A Bright Light

"Give light and people will find the way." Ella Baker

A dear family member commented that it is a blessing to let others walk their own path. For me, I have enough trouble keeping my own life in order that I don't have the time or inclination to stick my nose in other people's business. Now if a course is obviously set for disaster, the kind and loving thing to do is intervene, but for the most part a good philosophy is to live and let live. Offer love and support and give advice when it's asked for, but have the confidence that others will find their way in life. Their personal path is unique to them.

It's not a completely hands-off approach, however. This lady who believes in allowing others to find their own way is, herself, a source of light. When I think of her, I think of a bright light of goodness and hope. Those who are lucky enough to walk in her light will find their way, no doubt about it.

Susan

The Finishing Touch

"Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save them for a special occasion. Today is special." Regina Brett, age 90

Years ago I learned a way to save money on the weekly grocery bill. Build your menu around the supermarket specials that week. It takes some creativity, because you have to turn your thinking around. Instead of deciding you'll make spaghetti, then shop for the ingredients, you shop for the ingredients and then decide what dishes you can make. Back when I cooked for two hungry teenage boys, this kind of approach made a lot of sense. The Sunday paper had coupons every week, and one store discounted the coupon items even further so that it was possible to get a particular product for free. Of course, the hope is the "loss leaders" will bring you in, then you'll buy a bunch of other stuff that the store actually profits from.

In the aisle with the ketchup and mustard and olives and pickles, you can find these very expensive tiny jars of delicious capers. To me, they are an extravagance. But they are so good, adding that little something extra to sauces and dishes.

I have a new friend with a delightful way of enjoying life and turning everyday times into special celebrations. The last few times I had dinner with her, she has tossed some capers into whatever she was making. In fact, she made some pasta and after she had served it, she got up from the table announcing she had forgotten the capers. Oh my goodness. We can't forget the capers. So with her help, I have made a giant leap from those are an unnecessary extravagance, to where are the capers?!

As we go through life being sensible and practical, let's not forget those little touches that make all the difference. Those deliciously smelly candles, the soft, pretty sheets, the beautiful, feminine lingerie. And the capers. We can't forget those.

Susan

Sparks Fly

"It is good to rub and polish our brain against that of others." Michel de Montaigne

He told me how he and his sweetheart could argue and debate various issues, without either one of them becoming offended or angry. And often one did not persuade the other to change, either. They just sort of agreed to disagree in certain areas. What a unique relationship that is, and how exciting when two minds meet in that way. It sounded very sexy to me.

Long term relationships and marriages run smoother when there is agreement and accord in the major areas. It makes things easy when you share the same views on how to raise the children and how to handle money, for instance. And certainly it makes life more peaceful when you have similar tastes, likes and dislikes. But there needs to be a balance, I think, between having that other person be your soulmate (which sometimes means you just want a clone of yourself to make you feel more secure) and being a completely unique and different individual.

Susan

The Impossible Dream

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick, but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 (King James Version Bible)

For adults who are decorating and shopping, Christmas comes too fast. But for children, it is very slow in coming. Waiting to see if you will get what you have been hoping for can make it seem forever. But when Christmas morning finally arrives and that perfect gift is under the tree; is there a better feeling than that?

Hope is a wonderful thing and we all need it to survive and thrive. But there are some things we hope for that never come to fruition. It's a fine line to walk, this positive thinking and hoping for the best and never giving up on people, because it can make you sick.

Part of wisdom is knowing when to give up. Oh maybe you never completely give up, because I guess where there is life there is still some hope, but sometimes it is healthy to admit that it's highly unlikely. Then take the energy you've been using to hope and channel it into something more productive in your life. Take the focus off the impossible dream and as you look around with fresh eyes, you may see something else that's been there all along.

Susan

Bouquets of Beauty

"There are always flowers for those who want to see them." Henri Matisse

During challenging economic times such as these, many folks are cutting back. Small daily expenses can really add up, such as that morning trip to the coffee shop. It's smart to eliminate frills and concentrate on the essentials. But as we become more conscious of how we spend our money, we should be careful not to cut out all the little things that bring us joy. Fresh flowers on the kitchen table may seem like an extravagance to some, but if they feed your soul, how could you ever put a price tag on that?

It may be a struggle just to earn a living, but life needs to be more than the daily grind. We need to not merely make a living, but make a life and enjoy that life. There is beauty all around us, some of it totally free of charge, if we have but eyes to see it.

Susan

How Are You?

"There are two types of people; those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are!" Frederick L. Collins

It's the season of holiday parties. Some are a lot of fun; others like the obligatory work-related party, maybe not so much. This time each year I think of a lady who died of cancer while just in her forties. She was attractive, talented and quite accomplished in her field. She could have made a grand entrance into a room and had all eyes on her. But it was never about her. It was always about you. The words "lovely" and "charming" were often used to describe her. Her loveliness was her genuine love for people, and her charm was the way she could draw out even the most reserved person. She was the perfect cocktail or dinner party guest, and every party dramatically improved when she was there.

At her funeral, many folks shared their memories of her. I said that when she asked, "How are you?" she truly wanted to know.

Susan

Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men

"Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde

Christmas is my favorite holiday. I like my Christmases sparkly and festive and completely over the top. It's a time to become a little extravagant with the gifts and go a little overboard with the food and let people know how very much we love them.

She grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and a passive mother. With not much money and little effort on the part of either parent, she didn't have many happy Christmas memories. Except one. The best Christmas ever. Early one Christmas morning, her father became enraged and stormed out of the house and didn't return until after she was in bed that night. Just by leaving, that dad gave his little girl the best Christmas ever, a happy and peaceful day. Our lives instantly and magically improve when toxic people are removed from them.

I'm all for working on relationships and giving people the benefit of the doubt and second and third and fourth chances. And especially at the holidays, we want to include everyone we love. The thought of excluding someone at Christmas can make us feel as heartless as Ebenezer Scrooge himself. But some folks are so hurtful and so dysfunctional and so unwilling to change. It's then that the best present we can give ourselves is to draw a very hard line and put an end to their abuse.

A happy and peaceful Christmas day. That is something we all deserve.

Susan

Home for the Holidays

"Be right, and then be easy to live with, if possible, but in that order." Ezra Taft Benson

The song tells us it's the most wonderful time of the year. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and Christmas is a month away. It should be the best of times, but for some families it is the worst of times. I was talking to a man who told me he had eight family members (in addition to himself and his wife) staying with him in their rather small home. He laughed and said that things were fine "so far." Not every family is something out of a Norman Rockwell painting, but really can't we all try to get along? For some, the obvious answer is no. Holidays seem to magnify what is the best and the worst in us. Thanksgiving and Christmas should be a time when we set aside our differences, if even just for the duration of a meal, and celebrate what truly is important in life.

The world will not come crashing down if you have cake instead of pie, or if you celebrate the holiday at someone else's home or even in a restaurant. Of course, family traditions are wonderful, but for some people my age, our inflexibility can make everyone miserable. So what are the holidays really all about anyway? What is really sacred? Friends and family and those who mean the world to us. Can't we all just get along?

Susan

The Sweet Smell of Success

"It is the fight alone that pleases us, not the victory." Blaise Pascal

He is a self-made man. He has every reason to be arrogant, but he is not. With just a high school diploma and no family support, he started at the bottom rung of the ladder and worked his way up to become the president of the company. No one handed him anything; he earned it. He didn't sacrifice his family along the way as some do, either. Now retired, he and his wife of almost fifty years enjoy their life together. surrounded by good friends, children and grandchildren. He lives in a lovely home in one of the most beautiful places in the United States. I am delighted for him, because if anyone deserves to enjoy the fruits of his labor, it is this man. He is an inspiration to me. He is my brother.

Failure and triumph. Most lives are a mix of these two things, but even when we fail, we should go down fighting. And isn't success even sweeter when we have fought for it and prevailed?

Susan

Mirror Images

"The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." Sylvia Plath

I know a woman in her late 40's who is very pretty. She takes good care of herself and it shows. Her husband appreciates it, but it is really all in vain (pun intended) because she is so critical of herself. She compares her 40ish self to her 20ish self and comes up short. Hello! Isn't it a given that young women have stuff going on that we older women don't anymore? She has never become comfortable in her own skin. That lack of self-confidence seems normal in a very young woman, but I am thinking my friend and I are old enough to know better.

There is nothing more attractive in a man or a woman than confidence. Not arrogance, for arrogance is just smoke and mirrors to cover up weakness. But the confidence to walk through life more concerned with living and loving creatively than looking in every mirror you pass by. And speaking of mirrors, what we put out there in life reflects on us. Be at ease with who you are and you inspire confidence and creativity in everyone you meet.

Susan

Choosing Love

"Do not seek the because. In love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions." Anaïs Nin

"We can't help who we fall in love with." She was defending a friend who had made a very poor choice in the type of man she is involved with romantically. I tend to agree that Cupid's arrows seem to fly in a somewhat random fashion. Now you can decide not to spend time with the person or live with him or marry him or have a child with him, so you have many choices to make. But sometimes love simply is. And a romantic relationship can be unhealthy and dysfunctional, but not for a lack of love.

Healthy parental love is unconditional. You love the child because he exists, because he is. Think for a moment of your family and friends, all the people you love. Now you certainly are able to readily enumerate all their great qualities. But you don't love them because they are wonderful. In fact, you are probably quite aware of their faults and shortcomings. The closer you are, the more intimately acquainted you are with their less lovable traits. You simply love them because they are and perhaps looking at them in a loving way you recognize more readily what makes them great.

Susan

Thanksgiving

"Our enemy is by tradition our savior, in preventing us from superficiality." Joyce Carol Oates

It's the season of thankfulness. I love it that we have a day devoted to counting our blessings. If you are anything like me, your list of things that inspire gratitude is a long one. All the good things that have come my way in life, so many people who support me and love me.

And those who don't. In a weird way, should we not be thankful for what we learn and who we become, courtesy of those who are not at all supportive and loving? People who in some cases even wish us harm?

It's good to try to live at peace as much as possible with other people, but can you live any length of time and not make a few enemies? If we are to ever have any depth of character, I wonder how much it has to do with those who love us and with those who don't?

Susan

The Bigger They Are, the Harder They Fall

"Few people have the wisdom to prefer the criticism that would do them good, to the praise that deceives them." Francois de la Rochefoucauld

The tone of the conversation was somewhat embarrassing, because the speaker was praising me way too much. Frankly, no human being is as awesome as he was making me out to be. I asked him was there some area in which I might improve, and he could think of nothing to offer in the way of constructive criticism. I got the impression that he was manipulating me for his own purposes.

I have found that sometimes the very person who lifts you up on the pedestal is the same one who later knocks you off. The higher you are elevated, the more devastating the fall later on. I didn't allow his comments to make my head swell. It is better to just walk around with both feet on the ground like all the other mortals, thank you very much.

Susan

All the Small Things

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." Mother Teresa

I work in a job that to some people might seem menial. It has been a somewhat humbling experience, and I'd be lying to say there aren't times when I wonder how I ever got to this place. But mostly I am thankful to even be employed in this economy, and believe that it is temporary.

How interesting to observe people doing menial tasks. There are those who don't care, who do only the minimum necessary, who perhaps feel the work is beneath them. Then there are those who bring excellence to everything they do, who both believe and practice that anything worth doing is worth doing well. It says a lot about a person's strength of character, to be able to do something small in such a big way.

Susan

The Land of the Free

"Life has a certain flavor for those who have fought and risked all that the sheltered and protected can never experience." John Stuart Mill

The last time I was on an airplane, several men and women in military uniform came on board. A woman seated near me touched the first person on the arm and said, "Thank you for your service." He replied, "Oh no, ma'am, thank you. It's an honor."

Veterans Day is November 11.

Susan

The Best Policy

"Mistakes are always forgivable if one has the courage to admit them." Bruce Lee

Young children have blurred lines between fantasy and reality, so to demand that a three-year-old always tell you the truth is an exercise in futility. But as our children grow, it is important to teach them the value of honesty. First, we need to model that behavior for them. If they overhear us calling in sick when we aren't, or telling what we believe to be harmless white lies, not good.

We also need to make it easy for them to tell us the truth. Why would a child lie? To escape punishment, perhaps? If you are harsh with them for being honest with you, you encourage deception. A good rule would be, just tell me the truth and you won't get in trouble. No need to cover up or come up with some outlandish tale. It is safe to tell me what's what.

As adults we sometimes play childish games, shading the truth to make ourselves look good, telling a loving lie so we don't hurt someone's feelings, but really a mark of maturity is to own your life, own your feelings, own your actions.

Susan

Go, You!

"Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be." Ralph Waldo Emerson

It was my privilege and delight to help my son and daughter-in-law plan their wedding. The most fun? Taste testing wedding cake samples. They asked my former husband and me to help them write their vows. My contribution was my idea that your spouse should be your biggest cheerleader. Encouraging you when you doubt yourself, helping you back up and brushing you off when you fall, challenging you when you become complacent. He or she should help you realize your full potential in life.

My young nephew has a wonderful sense of humor. He likes to say, "Go, Me!" And I have borrowed that phrase from him, along with the other side of the coin. "Go, You!" Do you have at least one person in your life who inspires you? And are you that for others? Who is it today that needs to hear two words from your mouth..."Go, You!"?

Susan

It's a Small World

My favorite ride at Disneyland is "It's a Small World." It is just the cutest thing, and (unlike some folks) I don't find that song annoying at all. Fifty-five years after Disneyland first opened, these words are truer than ever. We live in a very small world.

I was looking at the stats for this blog and our readerships is not limited to the United States. I was amazed and pleased that folks from nine other countries have visited Hero In Your Soul. I sit here in California typing away, and people in Norway and New Zealand and Brazil read my words.

Wherever you are today, hello and thank you so much for stopping by.

Susan

Older and Wiser

"We come altogether fresh and raw into the several stages of life, and often find ourselves without experience, despite our years." Francois de la Rochefoucauld

For me, life is new in so many ways. I am a college freshman, barely competent at a new job, a mother-in-law for the first time, a new grandmother, and single again after 20 years. I have never been happier or felt more alive. It is tons of fun with a little bit of scary thrown in.

A man in his late 30's told me he would never again date an older woman, because he had been seeing a gal 14 years his senior and found her so irritating. She would run up against something in life and not be sure what to do about it. In some cases, she even asked his advice. He said to me, "She's older than I am. Why didn't she already know what to do?" He was serious but I found it very amusing.

Experience is helpful in some areas. But when we truly step out of our comfort zone, life is at its most exciting. All shiny and new and bright like Christmas.

Susan

You Can't Handle the Truth

"I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell." Harry Truman

Recently a friend confronted me. I hate confrontation and drama and will do almost anything to avoid it. But I've learned through painful experience that sometimes you must face it and deal with it. There are times when avoiding it only causes more problems. She verbally attacked me and I calmly and quietly gave her my point of view. I told her the truth. My words and tone were not harsh, and frankly I held quite a bit back because I wanted to communicate truthfully but not hurtfully. She concluded that I am not her friend (in fact, have never been her friend) and that I am cruel. It would have been easier to just have lied to her, telling her what she wanted to hear.

The truth does hurt sometimes. I personally am at a place where I want the truth in all areas of my life. I am leaving myself wide open there, because what I need to hear is not going to always be pleasant. I hope I have the grace to hear the truth, and the courage to heed it.

Susan

The Buck Stops Here

"The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life." Brian Tracy

A woman whose family of origin was less than stellar told me that she decided she would be the one to turn it all around, starting with herself and moving on to her own children. President Harry Truman had a sign on his desk that said, "The buck stops here." While it's easy to play the blame game or continue being a victim, it takes real integrity to be fully accountable for your life.

Some people, after the break up of a marriage, villify the spouse and act totally clueless about what they themselves might have done wrong in the relationship. A popular variation of this theme is the idea that you had the perfect marriage, and then the cheater cheated or the gambler gambled or the abuser abused. Please! Marriage is a two-way street, and even if one person is clearly in the wrong, the other party responds and reacts and is half of the problem. The success or failure of a marriage takes two people. As a divorced person myself, I must admit that the failure of my marriage was my personal failure. That is the starting point. Then you move on to discover what went wrong, what your specific responsibility was, what can be learned from it and so on.

We can never be truly happy until we grow up and become accountable for our own actions and attitudes.

Susan

Weather Forecast: Sunny

"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" Rose Kennedy

I was born and raised in a part of the United States that has some gray, dreary weather. I have lived in southern California for half of my life, but the sunshine has remained a novelty to me. Sometimes I walk outside on a beautiful sunny day and still think, "Do I really live here? Is this really my life?"

Those who have been battered by storms will carry scars, they will have painful memories that pop up at unexpected times, they will need love, compassion and perhaps the help of a therapist or doctor. It serves no useful purpose to perpetuate the suffering once the storm has passed. Those who have gone through great pain may understand better than most, the need to squeeze every drop of joy out of life, to bask in every ray of sunshine.

Susan

The Family Tree

"Do well, and you will have no need of ancestors." Voltaire

Where we come from, our genetics, our family, influences us. No doubt about that. My brother has researched our father's side of the family. The information he had was very interesting and I loved learning more about the people who came before us. It is thought that one of our ancestors sailed from England to America on the Mayflower. If I could document that properly, could I join the Daughters of the American Revolution? Would they want me? Would I want them?

I know a woman who is somewhat ashamed of her lineage, because the family name has been tarnished. While I guess a pedigree is important if you're a show dog, what really matters is how each one of us as individuals live our lives. Regardless of our backgrounds, we have all the power we will ever need to make an impact in this world. Our own personal imprint, if you will.

Susan

One Small Step

"Have a bias toward action. Let's see something happen now. You can break that big plan into small steps and take the first step right away." Indira Gandhi

My friend's garage is so stuffed with stuff that she has no room for her car. This is especially sad because she has a two-car garage and only owns one car. She hates how her garage is. She has some physical limitations so she needs some help. I am fairly strong for a girl and am good at organizing, so on a few occasions she has enlisted my help. I think I might be crazy, because isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result?

Here's how it goes. We decide to work on one small area of the garage. We will make three piles. Keep, donate and throw away. I stay focused on the one area, but she looks at the big picture, becomes totally overwhelmed and we quit. Now if she gave me carte blanche, I could have had the garage done long ago, but it's inappropriate for me to be doing stuff with her stuff.

I think a lot of people have dreams they would love to see come true, but making that happen seems so daunting that they never get started. What small step will you make today to start living the life you've imagined?

Susan

Walking the Walk

"Children need models rather than critics." Joseph Joubert

Little kids are like sponges. I know a particular woman who swears like a sailor, but now that she's a mother she has decided to watch her language. That is a hard habit to break. But how hypocritical to tell your child not to say a "bad word" when he hears it coming out of your mouth. Kids have a strong sense of what is fair and what is not, and it's hard to fool a child because they can see right through you.

Being a parent is an amazing growing experience, because if it's done correctly, your child will help you find your higher self. All of a sudden here's this little person who looks to you for everything, and what you say and what you do and how you interpret the world will influence him greatly.

It's easy to tell the child what to do or what not to do. Quite a bit more difficult to be the kind of person he can look up to. But that's what he really needs.

Susan

You Don't Know Me

I just got back from a wonderful visit with family members who live on the opposite coast. I enjoyed spending time with my brother. We had some serious conversations, but mostly we laughed. We share a gene pool, the same childhood home, and the same sense of humor. We both tend to be a tad sarcastic. Okay. More than a tad, but it's not mean spirited. It was wonderful to be with someone who "gets" me like my brother does.

He was telling me about a phrase he learned from one of those daytime television shows where people air their dirty laundry and the audience jeers. "You don't know me!" In other words, no matter how bizarre my behavior, don't judge me because you have no idea where I come from and what I'm all about.

As good as we can be at disguising ourselves, it's ironic that at our core we yearn to be known. Read the King James version of the Old Testament, and you'll find men "knowing" their wives. It translates to sex, the most intimate of all physical connections and a basic human need. To be known is the most intimate of all emotional connections, and without it we can never hope to thrive.

Susan

Hide and Seek

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves." Francois de la Rochefoucauld

A friend posted this thought-provoking quote in his Facebook status, and it fits in very well with this time of year. Halloween will soon be here, a time for masks and costumes. When I was trick or treating as a child, I was delighted when a neighbor didn't know who I was (or pretended not to know.) It meant my costume was very clever.

Some of us have become masters of disguise, hiding our true selves, thoughts, feelings and emotions. We wear the mask for so long that we don't even know who we are anymore. There is great freedom in allowing ourselves to become vulnerable enough that we simply live each day being exactly who we are, nothing more and nothing less.

Susan

For Such a Time As This

Once upon a time, there was a young Jewish woman named Esther. She was an orphan who had been raised by her cousin Mordecai. The king was looking for a new wife and Esther was part of the pool of virgins to choose from. Esther was chosen, but she kept her ethnicity a secret. Mordecai learned of a plot to exterminate the Jews and told Esther about it. She was the obvious choice to speak to the king. Problem was, you could not approach the king if he had not requested your presence, on penalty of death. Now you might be thinking, yes but Esther is the queen and surely he would make an exception. Wrong. Esther's predecessor had been put to death for disobeying him. Now the king had not summoned Esther in over a month. Time was of the essence and Esther could not just sit around with the concubines and wait for her opportunity. She was going to have to create her opportunity.

Mordecai said, "Who knows but that you came into the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther pondered this and made her decision. She would simply go see the king. "And if I perish, I perish." The story does have a happy ending. The king was fine with Esther coming to see him, she let him know that she was indeed Jewish, told him about this horrific plot, and she saved her people.

Who knows why we are here, at this very moment in time, at this very place? I doubt Esther was flippant when she said, "If I perish, I perish." But really aren't there some things much more important than looking out for our own interests? Isn't there a time when the choice we must make is quite obvious? And despite the personal risk involved, we just do it and then live (or die) with the consequences?

Susan

Eye Contact

I had lunch out with my son, his lovely wife and my 9-month-old grandson. As I carried the baby through the restaurant toward the exit, I noticed people smiling at him. I found myself exclaiming to random strangers, "This is my grandson!"

Most of them smiled or laughed. One woman said, "How wonderful you are so proud of him." Some wanted to talk to us. But there were a few who looked away like they did not want to encourage this crazy woman.

In my own defense, allow me to say this behavior was highly irregular for me. I normally go about my business observing the "don't talk to strangers" rule. But this child of my child has changed my life in a number of ways. All for the better.

Susan

Respect

"Respect commands itself, and can be neither given nor withheld when it is due." Eldridge Cleaver

Summer vacation is over, and the kids are back in school. I overheard a mom remind her young son to listen to his teacher. Part of making our children civilized is teaching respect for authority. That begins in the home, and it needs to start early. But while you are teaching that young child to respect you as the parent, you had better make sure you are the kind of person who deserves respect.

There is a big difference between respecting the position and respecting the person. All the difference in the world.

Susan

Your Inner Child

"When one has not had a good father, one must create one." Friedrich Nietzsche

Those with less than great childhoods enter adult life with some significant deficits. I know a woman now in her 70's who never became a mother. It was a conscious choice on her part. She had suffered terrible abuse as a child and feared she might do the same to one of her own. It does happen. Abuse can be a horrible family legacy.

But I have known many other folks who are childhood abuse survivors who became awesome parents themselves. If you emerge from the experience with your empathy intact, you know what it is to be hurt and you make sure that never happens to a child of your own. Sometimes it's as simple as doing the opposite of what was done to you. Your kids certainly benefit from your own painful experiences that way.

And it helps that hurt child living within you as well. There is great healing in becoming the parent you never had.

Susan

The Path of Least Resistance

"Lying has a kind of respect and reverence with it. We pay a person the compliment of acknowledging his superiority whenever we lie to him." Samuel Butler

My friend's husband asked her to do something he felt was important. She agreed, but she didn't do it because she felt it was unnecessary. Later he asked her about it, and she immediately lied. She is an honest person and not at all a good liar, so he picked up on that and pressed the matter, and she admitted she had not done it.

She was so ashamed and shocked at her behavior as she told me this story. She said, "I didn't even think about it. I just lied." She asked me what I thought about that. Well, since she asked, I told her my theory.

They have been married less than a year, still sort of on the honeymoon. They have a somewhat old-fashioned marriage where he is in charge and she is deferential. While her husband has some good qualities, he is short-tempered and tends to yell when he gets upset. She excuses this by saying he's Italian, but I'm not buying what she's selling. Now I won't go so far as to say she's afraid of him, but I did say she probably just told him what he wanted to hear to keep the peace. It's not uncommon for a volatile person to marry a peacemaker. And while sometimes the path of least resistance is the way to go, I do not recommend it for a long journey like a marriage.

Susan

Bridges Burned

"Never cut what you can untie." Joseph Joubert

I know a man who has burned pretty much every bridge he has crossed. He has an odd way of finding fault with folks, becoming offended at perceived slights, then finally concluding the other person has intentionally wronged him. Then he cuts the offender out of his life. Forever. He is an expert at holding grudges, and there are no second chances with him.

You might be tempted to give that annoying co-worker a piece of your mind today, but what if she becomes your supervisor tomorrow? Develop a reputation of being hard to get along with and that can follow you around throughout your career. We live in a small world filled with people who have long memories, and when they think of you, let it be something good that comes to mind.

As we sail through personal or romantic relationships, of course they won't all be static. But isn't it best for all concerned if we leave the least amount of damage in our wake?

We should be careful about burning a bridge. We might need it to still be standing if one day we have to cross back over it again.

Susan

An Enriching Experience

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." Voltaire

Today I spent some time at an art museum and feel so blessed by the experience. I am fortunate to live in a city with many cultural opportunities, and this particular museum is open to the public five days a week with no admission charge and there is plenty of free parking.

I found myself marveling at the talent of the artists, but mostly I just got lost in their works. I am grateful for their bravery and generosity, for they took what was inside themselves and put it all out there, to share it with me. They are rich and so am I.

Susan

Just Enjoy

"My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate." Thornton Wilder

I have a friend who refers to me as a deep thinker. She is putting it nicely, because I have a tendency to over-analyze. I once took an aptitude test that put me in the 99th percentile for critical thinking. There are times when that comes in super handy; other times when it does not work in my best interests.

It is August and it is hot. Yesterday I was enjoying an ice cream bar. I had to eat it rather quickly because it was starting to melt. There are times when it is good to think. But there are other times when it is best to just enjoy what you have while you have it.

Susan

Miss Know It All

"It takes a long time to understand nothing." Edward Dahlberg

When I graduated from high school, I pretty much knew everything. No one could tell me anything, because you see, I knew it all. As the years have gone by, I have learned that I actually know very little. There is hardly anything I am sure of anymore. At the rate I'm going, by the time I die, I will be an incredibly ignorant old woman!

Understanding how little you know keeps you open to learning and discovering, to new adventures and experiences. Life is way more exciting now that I don't know it all anymore.

Susan

The Point of No Return

"From a certain point onward, there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached." Franz Kafka

Occasionally in life you will need to make a u-turn. If it is obvious you're moving in the wrong direction, you'd be a fool not to correct that. But for the most part, you need to keep moving forward with confidence and commitment.

There are no perfect decisions. You just make the best choice you can given where you are and the information you have at the time. You might feel a little unsure of yourself, maybe you're a bit afraid, but that simply means you're human. You step out and begin down the road, and you keep moving in that direction. The decision has been made, and you go with that. Now you can give all your energy and focus to the road ahead, because turning back is no longer an option.

Susan

It's All Just Stuff

"The best things in life are not things." Art Buchwald

I try to limit the stuff I buy my grandkids. Birthdays and Christmas, most definitely. Occasionally I will send them a little something in the mail. They love mail! I don't want our relationship to be about materialism. When my granddaughter was 5, she went through that stage (much to her parents' chagrin) where she would ask, "Did you bring me anything?" One day when she did that with me, I replied. "No. I am your present!" Then I stretched out my arms in "ta-da" fashion. She and her older sister laughed at that one.

Anyone who has ever downsized knows what it's like to evaluate your possessions. You keep what is practical; those things you will actually use. Then there are the things that have sentimental value that you would never part with. The rest could be sold, given away or donated to charity. Why not allow someone else to have the benefit of the stuff you don't need anyway?

I was recently at the home of my son and daughter-in-law for my birthday. My 8-year-old granddaughter asked me, "Isn't it the best birthday present of all to spend time with us?" Yes. It certainly was.

Susan

Hoping Against Hope

"Hope begins in the dark; the stubborn hope that if you just show up and do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." Anne Lamott

Hope stands at her bedroom window dressed in a beautiful, flowing white nightgown. She peers out into the clear, dark sky and wishes on a star. How beautiful. Now Hope needs to get a good night's sleep, for tomorrow morning she will need to get out of bed, put on her work clothes and eat a good breakfast. There is much to do!

A friend was talking to a few of us about an ongoing health issue. She has exhausted most of the traditional treatments. There is an unconventional remedy which has proved to be successful for many, but it's not covered by health insurance. The cost is way beyond what my friend can pay. There would be no guarantee it would help her, but for now it's not even an option. I felt so sad for her, and the atmosphere in the room became so oppressive, and then I thought, "Enough!" I said that there must be a solution, there has to be a way, couldn't we raise the money, have a bake sale! Another friend suggested a spaghetti dinner and the conversation got a little more light-hearted. We were all able to laugh, which always helps diffuse the tension. But I wasn't kidding. There has to be a way.

Every day I meditate on those I love. My friend is one of those people. I envision her completely whole physically. I know the odds are stacked against her and that sometimes she is afraid to get her hopes up. So I hope on her behalf. I just dig in my heels and believe. I'm not taking no for an answer.

Susan

Now or Later

"Either you deal with what is the reality, or you can be sure that the reality is going to deal with you." Alex Haley

The real world is so distasteful at times. It just makes you want to go ostrich. We don't want to face something, so we pretend it doesn't exist. Someone tries to talk to us about it and we put our fingers in our ears and yell, "La la la la la, I can't hear you!" Yeah. Very mature. I have done that a few times, and in every case I only made matters worse for myself.

When you have a problem, attack it instead of allowing it to attack you. Face it early and with eyes wide open. Oh yes. It is ugly. It is not pleasant. But you need to see it for what it is, in order to develop a strategy for dealing with it.

You know what they say in football. The best defense is a good offense. So go after it. Now. Before it gets you.

Susan

Go With the Flow

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." Anaïs Nin

I was reading some beauty tips and got a chuckle out of some of them. My favorite was the one that cautioned us not to sleep on our stomachs. It causes wrinkles. The human head weighs between 7-8 pounds and that is a lot of pressure to put on your face every night. One of the tips that made sense was this: As you get older, keep your wardrobe, hair style and make up current. I think this one was good. You don't want to get back to your desk after lunch and find a note that says, "1985 called and wants its hair back."

This process of becoming is an exciting one, if we just go with it and flow with it. It's great to know that as long as we are alive, we can grow and change and learn, as we are on our way to becoming all that we can be.

Susan

Post #100

There must be at least 100 ways to tell people you love them. The most obvious is to say it. It needs to be said. I grew up in a family where it was not. It did not come naturally for me to say it, maybe because I was not practiced at it. But I learned and now I am good at saying, "I love you."

You can say it in person, phone it in, snail mail it, email it, text it, IM it, Facebook it, MySpace it, skywrite it, write it on sticky notes and put them EVERYWHERE. But it needs to be said. Three little words. I. LOVE. YOU.

We can't just give it lip service. Talk is cheap, and when we love someone, we naturally back it up with our actions and attitudes in 100 different ways.

But we need to say it. Three little words. Say them today.

Susan

Pretzel Logic

"What's frustrating about being disliked is that it's invariably for the wrong reason." Robert Brault

I approach life assuming that people like me. I don't look for hidden agendas or conspiracy theories, and if I hear folks whispering, I don't think it's about me. If someone says or does something hurtful, I try not to take it personally. I figure if they have a problem with me, they will tell me about it. If I know I've done something wrong, I try to be quick to admit it and apologize. I work at not being defensive. I am a kind person at heart, and I attempt to be pleasant.I have an aversion to drama, so as much as I possibly can, I try to be at peace with everyone.

I know what it is to pretzel yourself into something you're not to conform to someone's image of what you should be. I lived that way for far too long. I don't do that anymore. A Facebook friend's status said, "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."

There are times in life when we need to take a stand. When we need to draw a line. When we need to tell someone something they don't want to hear. When we need to do the right thing, even if we are the only one attempting to do it. Let that be the reason folks dislike us. I love to eat pretzels (especially those big, hot, soft ones.) But I won't be one. Not anymore.

Susan

My Day, My World

"Be careful how you interpret the world: it is like that." Erich Heller

It's early morning. Cool, but the day promises to be a scorcher. The birds are singing, and my neighborhood appears to still be asleep. That's as it should be. It's Saturday morning, after all.

Today I won't just have a good day; I will make it a good day. I will walk through this day knowing that just like me, other people are inherently good. I won't leave my purse sitting around, but my heart will be open and trusting. I will go to my job, knowing that all honest work is honorable. I will mean what I say and say what I mean, but I will frame my honesty with kindness. Perhaps the smile that I offer will be the only goodness that someone will experience today. Whatever happens, I can handle it with grace and humor. And if I need some help or support, I will ask for it. I will listen to some music and read something profound and laugh at least once today. I will spend some time quietly meditating on those people I love. If a sad thought crosses my mind today, I won't chase it away, but I won't dwell on it for too long. If things don't go my way today, I won't take it as some personal insult from the universe. Today is my day.

Susan

First Class and No Class

She has always been, for as long as I have known her, a classy kind of person. Her mother and older sister would scornfully comment that she was on her "high horse." This went on through childhood and even when she was an adult. One day she decided to put an end to it. When the high horse comment came up again, she looked at the two and quietly, calmly said, "Yes. I am on my high horse. And he has a name. It is Class." And that was that. Neither one of them ever used that phrase again.

For several years, I was a guest at the annual Christmas party of a business associate. Her home was beautifully decorated. She was talented in the kitchen, so the food was always fabulous. She never appeared exhausted or flustered, but always enjoyed herself. Her parties were spectacular, but you never got the impression she was trying to knock anyone's socks off. She made it all seem so natural. All of her guests were comfortable because the hostess was comfortable.

There was another woman who also attended these parties. I don't know what horse this gal rode in on, but its name was definitely not Class. She made catty comments and dished the dirt. She, the hostess and myself were talking about our respective plans for the holidays. The hostess said her son was out of state visiting his father over Christmas break. The other woman whose horse was not named Class snorted and said, "Oh, don't you just love it when they try to play daddy?" The hostess smiled slightly and said, "My SON'S FATHER is a very good man." She paused, then artfully changed the subject. Her facial expression, her emphasis on the two operative words, her inflection, the way she paused for effect, were all perfect. She put this woman in her place without putting her down.

There are two kinds of class. First class and no class.

Susan

Wisdom

"A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying that he is wiser today than he was yesterday." Alexander Pope

If we are living and learning and growing, it's a given that we are going to change our minds about some things and our opinions about some others. I respect people who can admit when they are wrong. It says a lot about your character when you can do that.

When my kids were in elementary school, one of the neighborhood moms became upset with her son for something and grounded him. Then she cooled down a bit and thought about it. She concluded that she had been having a bad day and overreacted to what he had done, and the consequence was unwarranted. She went to him and apologized for being so harsh with him and told him he was not grounded. She told him she had made a mistake and wanted to make it right. Wow. I think some parents who had second thoughts would tell the children the punishment was over, but wouldn't admit they had been wrong and wouldn't have said they were sorry. I really admired this woman for the way she handled it. I imagine her son already knew he was being treated unfairly, and she sent a powerful message when she admitted it.

None of us is perfect, and the longer we live the more we see that there is much to learn. It is the truly wise person who can see where they went wrong and do something about it.

Susan

Follow the Leader

"It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse." Adlai Stevenson

When we were raising our kids, their dad would sometimes say that parenting is an art, not a science. And isn't that the truth? When it comes to moms and dads, you have the nursers, the bottle feeders, the stay-at-homes, the work-from-homes, the screamers, the spankers, the negotiators, on and on it goes. As a parent, you must be a confident leader. You understand that you are the mother, and you behave like one. Your attitude and demeanor go a long way in setting the tone in your home and in your family. Please, feel free to read all the books and get all the advice and participate in all the discussions on parenting. But first and foremost have the confidence to know that these are your children and you have what it takes to lead them to adulthood. Then begin to do that.

Everything does really rise and fall on leadership. It's not being cocky or arrogant or thinking the people you lead are stupid. It's all about the confidence. In who you are and in what you intend to do.

Susan

Settling

"Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable." Franz Kafka

It seems that our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses. If you have a profound sense of gratitude about your life, if you find joy in even the smallest things, you will undoubtedly be a happy person. But the other side of that coin is that you may be a little too willing to settle. In human relationships, we tend to get what we tolerate. We accept a few crumbs here and there, when we deserve the whole cake. I think it's a mistake to be so thankful for the little things, that you don't demand the big things, the things that really matter.

A healthy sense of self gives you a balance. You put a lot into your relationships with those closest to you, and you expect a lot from them, too. You are more than willing to work out some compromises, but there are a few things that are simply non-negotiable. If I don't respect myself, how can I expect other people to respect me?

Susan

Delighted To Be Here

When I was 16, my 24-year-old cousin was diagnosed with a terminal illness and three weeks later he was dead. It was the first time in my life where I was touched by the death of a young person. I have attended many funerals since then, but that was by the far the most heart wrenching. His young wife losing her husband while they were still practically newlyweds. My aunt and uncle, just in their 40's themselves, saying good-bye to their only child.

I once worked for a woman who made no bones about the fact she hated her job. Often when she came in to work in the morning, if someone said hello and asked how she was, she would smile and answer, "Delighted to be here." She meant it with her tongue in cheek, and who among us has not been less than thrilled over a new work day? Same old, same old.

I woke up this morning! And since you are reading this, you must have done the same. There are some folks who are not so lucky. As for me, I am delighted to be here.

Susan

Getting Even

"He that studieth revenge keepeth his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well." John Milton

A Facebook friend's status said, "I am gonna laugh when karma punches you in the face." It is natural to want to retaliate when someone hurts us. I guess some people refrain from exacting revenge themselves, but they wish that karma/the universe/God/fate will somehow get the person who wronged them.

I believe, that as a general rule, what goes around eventually comes around. Sow bad behavior and you will reap an unpleasant harvest. And while it is good not to take matters into your own hands, is it that much of an improvement to spend your time and energy hoping that something awful will happen to the person who hurt you? Your hurt (however justified) needs to heal, and you can participate in that process or hinder it with dreams of revenge.

Susan

Tzdaka

"That best portion of a man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love." William Wordsworth

I had parked my car in a lot with parking meters. After I got out of my car and put coins in the meter, I noticed an older woman walking around the lot. She would look at a meter, and either walk on to the next one, or put money in it. I figured out that she was putting money in the meters that were close to expiring. What a cool thing to do! Imagine being stressed that you were running late and the meter had run out, dreading the ticket on your windshield. Then you get to your car and discover that you still have time on the meter. Wouldn't that just make your day?

In the Jewish faith, the highest form of giving is tzdaka, anonymous charity to unknown recipients. When was the last time you gave something to someone you didn't know, expecting nothing in return?

Susan

Nobody's Perfect

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor." Anne Lamott

Anything worth doing is worth doing well. We should take pride in our work. We should give our best effort. I want any surgeon working on me to be a perfectionist! However, some people take it to an extreme, and those folks need to reach the conclusion that sometimes "good enough" is enough.

Some perfectionists take forever to complete a task because they are so focused on doing it perfectly. Procrastination and perfectionism can also go hand in hand. Putting something off until you can do it perfectly causes you to miss deadlines. Trying to be perfect can take a lot of joy out of life, if you sit out the volleyball game at the picnic because you aren't a world class athlete.

Some people seem hard wired this way. But one perfectionist I know told me when he was a child, nothing he ever did was good enough for his dad. His father died many years ago, but this man still allows those old tapes to play over and over in his head.

Why be so hard on yourself? You know, just between you and me, "perfect" does not really exist. So why not give yourself a break and just be good enough.

Susan

A New Chapter

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning." Louis L'Amour

Many women my age are struggling with the empty nest. It is a big adjustment. If you have done well, you sort of work your way out of a job. I know some women whose children are in their 20's or even older, but they still are trying to raise them. Nagging them, telling them what to do, questioning their choices. We really need to let go of that, girls. That part of your role as a mother is over, and if you didn't do a good job, I hate to be the one to tell you, but it's too late. It is finished.

But a new chapter has begun, and it is the best one yet! Here is this young adult person. He (or she) has his own life. His own thoughts and insights. His own opinions. He doesn't do things the same way you did, and that is a good thing. He has a mind of his own. He doesn't need you the way he used to, but you are far from obsolete. No matter how old we are, we always need our moms. In this brand new chapter, if you are very lucky, you can be his mom and his friend. It doesn't get any better than that.

Susan

Pity Party

"The proud, the cold, untroubled heart of stone, that never mused on sorrow but its own." Thomas Campbell

I have noticed that the people who throw the grandest pity parties for themselves have difficulty understanding that other people hurt, too. They are too busy blowing up the gray balloons and hanging the gray streamers to notice that the world is full of people who are struggling, many of them much worse than themselves. They may have enough manners to ask how you are, but it would be best if you just lied and said, "Fine," because they really don't want to hear it.

Are you ill? Well, they are sicker. Are you having a tough time financially? They are poorer. It's a sad game of one-upsmanship where they always win, but actually they lose.

Anyone suffering from depression needs the help of a doctor. And there are those people who actually lack empathy. But for those who have become self-absorbed, the solution is simple. (Not easy, but simple.) Pop the pity party balloons, put the streamers in the trash, and get out of the house. Look around you. Volunteer in the community. Make a difference in someone else's life. Bake some cupcakes for a friend. But frost them in a color other than gray.

Susan

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I sometimes hear people say they hate to exercise. Maybe we need to get away from the word "exercise" and think of it as moving and breathing. A slow, short, easy walk is better than no exercise at all. You don't need to pay a membership fee or buy any special clothes or equipment. And starting out walking slowly is a good way to make sure you won't get injured and sidelined. There are so many ways to move and breathe that surely even those who have always hated exercise could find a way to do it. I have a friend with a bad knee. She swims several times a week; no strain on her knees in the water. Another friend who suffers from fibromyalgia goes to a stretch class, and it has helped her pain immensely. A man who lives in a cold climate drives to the local mall early in the morning and walks inside with some friends. Another man plays in a recreational basketball league. I arrive at my dance/exercise class five minutes early to stretch, something I didn't need to do ten years ago. But it helps me avoid injury. Whatever the physical limitations, you can still find a way to move and breathe.

The physical health benefits of taking care of your body are obvious. But it is a proven fact that exercise elevates the mood and can help alleviate stress. Those endorphins kick in and we feel better. We tend to take shallow breaths when we are under stress, and when we exercise we breathe deeply.

Moving and breathing. It's as simple as that.

Susan

Action

"Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you." Thomas Jefferson

One of the very important jobs a parent has is to nurture a child's self-esteem. This starts with bonding with the infant and meeting their needs quickly. As they are toddlers and you must begin to set limits, you teach them that while they may do things wrong, they are good people. They must know that you love them unconditionally, but that does not mean they can do whatever they please. As they grow, they are taught to do the right thing, given age-appropriate responsibilities, and your expectations need to be reasonable but firm. Your praise must be generous but honest. One of the things that makes them feel good about themselves is not Mom and Dad constantly saying "Good job!" It's the fact that they are doing what is good, what is right, giving it their best and they are succeeding.

Sometimes adults think they could do this, that or the other thing if only they felt better about themselves. Low self-esteem is a very real condition, and if you started out in life with a deficit, I can totally relate to that. Been there. But instead of waiting to magically feel better about who you are, why not start to do what you know is right and good? Act! You will be surprised at how the very act of doing will boost your self-esteem. At some point, we need to figure out who we want to be and start becoming that person.

Susan

How Far Have You Come?

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome." Booker T. Washington

Some of my greatest treasures are things my kids made as they were growing up. I have some of them on display, and others are kept neatly away where I can go through them from time to time. I love doing it. Did you know that a necklace made of macaroni is more precious than anything at the jewelry store?

A friend showed me some notes her ten-year-old daughter made for her. Neatly printed with words of love for her mom, colorful pictures. Any parent would be pleased and proud. But what made these love notes even more meaningful is the fact that this child is autistic and has some profound learning differences. It took a great deal of effort for her to sit down and do this, and the result is visible evidence of how far she has progressed.

Are you less than enamored with where you are in life? Take a look back and see the hurdles that you have cleared, and it might give you a different definition of the word "success."

Susan

The Fourth of July

"Dissent is the highest form of patriotism." Howard Zinn

In a few days, we will celebrate Independence Day. I love my country. But I don't support the war. I haven't from its inception. I was told by an acquaintance that if you don't support the war, you are showing disrespect to the troops. I have heard this idea before, so I asked her to elaborate. I normally don't discuss politics or religion, but she and I are both pretty calm people, so I knew we could do it without getting all hot under the collar. I listened to her, then I told her something about me she didn't know.

Both my son and daughter-in-law are veterans. While this war has been going on, my son spent two tours of duty in the middle east. He was in harm's way. I know firsthand the sacrifice the brave military men and women make daily for their country. Some make the ultimate sacrifice. They do this so that we can enjoy our freedoms, which include the right to speak our minds and to dissent.

Blindly following is not the American way. Never has been. I hope it never will be.

Susan

Getting Over It

"My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure." Abraham Lincoln

Like all people, I am a combination of my genetic makeup, my upbringing, circumstances beyond my control, and my own choices. We are all dealt a hand in life, and we don't get to pick the cards. But we all get to decide how we play the hand that we are dealt.

I know some folks who live in the past. Something bad happened; it doesn't really matter how it came to pass or even what it was. At that point, their lives just sort of stopped. Oh, they continue to exist, but they really don't live anymore. They can recount the awful thing that took place in vivid detail and with raw emotion. To hear them talk, it might have happened yesterday instead of being ancient history. They aren't happy people, and they aren't fun to be around. It is almost like they have become content with their failure. Maybe it's an excuse that covers a multitude of sins, a blanket reason to not move on and flourish and grow.

One such person I know was told that she needed to "get over it." She was quite offended, but you know, her friend spoke the truth. Maybe it was a poor choice of words, but we do need to process, learn, take responsibility, and move on. That isn't the same as pretending it never happened, or being oblivious to the scars you might carry. But at some point we do need to get over it. This can require the help of a professional. I am a great believer in seeking therapy and counseling. But for that to work, you have to be prepared to hear and then heed the advice given. Not an easy thing to do, but the great things in life don't often come easily or quickly.

How sad to live in the past, when today is such a beautiful day.

Susan

Celebration

I had two wonderful Labradors. Each lived to a ripe old age. We had birthday parties for them. A gift, special treats, and a cake. Just a simple family party at home, although I know some people who invite other dogs. My first Lab would recognize the "Happy Birthday to You" song anytime she heard it, and became very joyful.

When my younger son was in junior high, he had some friends coming over, and he told them that we were having a birthday party for our dog, so of course they joined in the fun. It was very sweet to see that each one brought a gift. Not something they had actually gone shopping for, but they looked for something around their houses that our Lab would like. There was a tennis ball and a frisbee, as I recall. The next morning when they went home, one of the boys said to me, "Thank you. That was really fun. I had never been to a dog's birthday party before."

Special occasions are cause for celebration. I have a friend who just celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary; she and her husband were honored by their daughter for an entire weekend of parties and fun. And the fact that these two people have been married for fifty years and just as in love as ever is definite cause for celebration. What an amazing accomplishment.

But what about the every day, the times that don't seem so extraordinary? Do you celebrate life on a regular basis? Just the fact that we are here is good reason to bake a cake and put up a few streamers. This life that we have is a precious gift. Let's celebrate it.

Susan

Send Me No Flowers

In elementary school, we had special subjects like Music and Art once a week. The Art teacher went from class to class, school to school. During one Art class, the teacher angrily yelled at us and it was very scary. I don't recall what happened, but I do remember the sick feeling in my stomach and also knowing that he was being unfair. I understood the difference between being corrected for something wrong, and just getting dumped on, and he definitely dumped on us. The next week as Art class approached, some of us were talking about how he might behave. We weren't looking forward to it.

Art class began and he was sweet as pie; overly nice to be exact. He also brought us treats. But he never mentioned how he had behaved or said he was sorry. It all seemed so artificial to me, and I remember thinking, "Why is he pretending like everything is supposed to be okay now?" Now I guess I could have cut him a break. At least he understood he was in the wrong and was trying to make it up to us. We were just little kids, but we weren't stupid. Trying to buy us off with some cookies. Even children deserve respect.

I used to work in a large office of all women and whenever the florist made a delivery, one co-worker would invariably shake her head and say, "Oh, he's been bad." Flowers are wonderful, and a beautiful bouquet of roses can make you feel very special. But not if they are a substitute for something else. Remorse is fine. But respect is best.

Susan

The Hardest Word

I once knew a woman who would not admit when she was wrong. She also had an odd (but oddly amusing) way of apologizing. "If I have done anything to offend you, I apologize." I heard her say this a number of times to people, and once she told me of a disagreement between two of her coworkers. She drew one of them aside and advised that they actually say this. On one occasion, I witnessed a conversation where someone very clearly told her what she had done (and she was 100% in the wrong) and she got all huffy and said, "Well, I'm sorry I'm not perfect." Then she burst into tears.

It seems that we as humans go to extremes. There are the people who won't apologize, and then there are the ones who are constantly saying they are sorry for everything under the sun. Can't we find a happy medium? Even the most well-intentioned person will hurt others from time to time, and an apology is in order.

You state what you have done; clearly. You acknowledge how it has affected the other person; simply. You say you are sorry; sincerely. You take steps to never do it again; positively. We teach toddlers to do this. Don't hit your brother. That hurts. Tell him you are sorry. If a two-year-old can understand that, why do we as adults make it so complicated?

Susan

Driven to Distraction

When our kids are growing up, one of the things we can do to help them succeed in school is to create an environment at home that is conducive to studying and getting homework done. Some children need a little down time right after school. Others do better if they just dive right in. A snack before getting started may be a good idea, because you can't think on an empty stomach. One child might like to sit at the kitchen table, but another kid needs a quieter, more private place. The parent can also help by teaching the child to manage or eliminate distractions. When I was a teenager, I did my school work while listening to music. It helped me; to someone else it would be unwelcome distraction. I guess it comes down to knowing your child and how they best work.

As we face difficulties, it sometimes seems the problems might swallow us up. It is then that we need to be distracted in a positive way. A little down time playing a favorite game on the computer, a Saturday morning on the golf course, whatever you enjoy doing that will for a little while take your mind off the problem at hand. Sometimes it is good to be distracted.

Susan

Brilliance

"These gems have life in them: their colors speak, say what words fail of." George Eliot

I have a "mother's ring." I wear it all the time and enjoy looking at the six gems in it; the birthstones of my two sons, daughter-in-law, and three grandchildren. It sparkles on my finger just as these wonderful people add brilliance to my life.

Are there words in the English language to adequately describe what it is to be a mother and a grandmother? I wonder. My ring, however, speaks volumes.

Susan

Charging Ahead

prevail : to be greater in strength or influence; triumph
(From the Free Online Dictionary)

My best friend and I go way back. I was 18 and she was 19 when we first met. We still sometimes act like teenagers and refer to each other as "BFF." She has seen me at my best, at my worst and everywhere in between. She is honest with me; she tells me what I need to hear about myself, even when it's not pleasant. Early in the friendship I might have bitten my tongue or minced words, but after 33 years, I now just tell it like it is.

Recently I passed a personal milestone. On that day, I received a short email from her. She wrote, "Why does my BFF prevail? Because she learns from the actions of others, evaluates, regroups and charges ahead smarter than those who didn't have the experience."

Isn't that a great word: prevail? And didn't she very neatly summarize how anyone can do it?

Susan

Switching Gears

Can you imagine life without chocolate chip cookies? (Shudder.) One of my favorite inventors is Ruth Wakefield. A young woman in her 20's, Ruth and her husband were the proprietors of the Toll House Inn. She was going to make one of her recipes, a chocolate cookie, when she discovered she was out of what was referred to then as baker's chocolate (unsweetened chocolate.) So she made some pretty basic cookie dough and broke up some semi-sweet chocolate that she had on hand and stirred the pieces in the dough. They didn't disperse as they baked; they melted but kept their shape. But even when the cookie cooled, the chocolate pieces remained soft. Ruth had just given the world the Toll House cookie.

When she saw that she was out of a key ingredient, she could have decided no chocolate cookies today. But Mrs. Wakefield thought outside the box, and when Plan A wasn't going to work, she switched to Plan B. She was famous for her desserts, so I imagine the original cookie was pretty delicious. But in my humble opinion, the best cookie hands down is the chocolate chip. So I am very glad Plan A didn't pan out.

The next time my original plan doesn't work, I am not going to close the kitchen in frustration and defeat. I will remember the late, great Ruth Graves Wakefield and come up with a Plan B.

Susan

Change

"Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature's inexorable imperative." H. G. Wells

I love to text message on my phone and actually prefer it to a phone conversation for quick communication. I have heard people my age (and younger) talk about how impersonal it is, how awkward it is to use the thumbs, how weird the abbreviations like IDK and LOL are. One man said isn't "OK" short enough; do you have to shorten it to "K"? Sometimes we middle aged people can seem like old fuddy duddies.

In life, there is one constant. Change. Time stands still for no one. I personally don't want to be left behind. People change, and not always for the better. Things don't always go to plan, and we have to adapt and adjust if we are going to survive. Sometimes life just throws us a curve ball and we think, wow, how did I ever get here? A job lay off, a sudden illness, the end of a relationship, things we never saw coming. That's the time you have to use your creativity and find a way to go with the flow, and make those changes work for you.

You will need a sense of adventure, because sometimes those changes turn out to be a lot of fun, if you only give it a chance. Who would have thought back when I used to talk on a black rotary dial phone (on a party line, nonetheless) that one day I would be texting on a phone small enough to fit in my pocket. OMG!

Susan

Rain or Shine

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The famous Serenity Prayer speaks of the wisdom to know the difference between the things we can change and the things we can't. Rain is one of those things we can't change. We can't stop the rain.

Into each life some rain will fall. Dreary, gray, depressing times when we feel sad and blue. (Anyone suffering from depression should see a doctor, but that is not what I am talking about here.) Rather than fight it, why not just let it rain?

I used to fight my sad and bad emotions, the rain in my life. That took a lot of energy, and it was a losing battle. I have learned that if I feel blue or sad, to just go with that feeling, allow it to happen, and it soon passes. The rain stops and the sun comes out again. Sometimes there is even a rainbow.

Susan

You Have the Right to Remain Silent

"Oh the comfort, the inexplicable comfort, of feeling safe with a person, having to neither weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with kindness blow the rest away." Dinah Craik

They are known as the "Miranda rights." If you are arrested, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say could be used against you. I have had a few interactions in my lifetime with people where it would have been wise for me to remain silent. There I was, just innocently talking, and later on in anger, the person would take my own words and slap me in the face with them. Often out of context. Ouch.

Do you have someone you can talk to, where you feel completely safe? If you have one other person in the world like that, you are truly blessed. To be able to let your guard down, knowing they would never use your own words to hurt you in any way, knowing that whatever you say is safe with them.

Susan

Nothing Personal

A classic break up line is, "It's not you. It's me." It lets the other person off the hook. It's a cliche, but it is often true. Not just in romantic relationships, but life in general.

Not long ago I was speaking with a woman who works in customer service. Part of her job is to offer the customer additional products. She said she hates that and is embarrassed to try to sell the customer something. She said, "They might get mad." When the customer tells her no, she takes that as a personal rejection. She is a sweet person, but she needs to either make a career change or develop a thicker skin.

It's the same with relationships with acquaintances, family and friends. Ninety percent of the time when we feel hurt, offended, insulted or rejected by other people it has absolutely nothing to do with us. It is about them, what happened to them or what they are going through at the moment, and it has nothing to do with us. We didn't do anything or say anything wrong to provoke them; we just happened to be around them that day. They didn't wake up that morning thinking of some way they could be mean to us. It was nothing personal. Having a sensitive nature can be great it if causes you to treat others well; it can be a curse if it makes you take things personally. (That's not to discount the small group of people who actually are intentionally cruel. Those toxic people need to be avoided, or any contact you have with them needs to be minimized.)

Growing thicker skin does not mean you have to become a cold, calloused person. I think those who have a healthy self-esteem, who believe they are good people, tend to give others the benefit of the doubt as well. If you would not intentionally be hurtful to someone else, why not assume that most other people are that way, too?

It's not all about you.

Susan

To Do and To Be

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy; if the world were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I wake up each morning torn between a desire to save the world and a desire to savor the world. This makes it very hard to plan the day." E. B. White

We all should be doing something to make this world a better place. Each one of us contributing, however small it may seem at the time, can add up to something better for all of us. It is our responsibility and our right as citizens of this planet.

There is a delicate balance between doing and being. We can get so busy doing what we are doing, that we don't take time to stop and smell the roses. To simply savor and enjoy life.

What is the purpose of life, anyway? To live it.

Susan

No Problem

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." Winston Churchill

I am a problem solver. Start telling me about your difficulty and I begin to mentally roll up my sleeves to help you fix it. Maybe it's how I'm wired, but I know I can be very frustrating for other people who simply want to talk to me, to vent, and are not asking for my help. I have inappropriately overstepped boundaries in my zeal to fix things. I have judgmentally labeled people as whiners. I am not proud of this.

But my heart is in the right place, because I truly believe that there is opportunity in every problem. An opportunity to think outside the box and find an innovative solution. A chance to find your higher self as you are challenged like you never have been before. An opportunity for me to become a more empathetic listener. Yes. Even that.

Susan

Home Sweet Home

"I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself." Maya Angelou

When you think of home, what images are conjured up? Your childhood home, the place where you grew up? Perhaps a job transfer took you to somewhere entirely different, and that's where you finally felt at home. I have a friend who is encouraging his elderly mother to sell the house she's owned for over forty years and move into something smaller and more manageable. This dear lady understands the logic of such a move; it makes all kinds of sense. But she feels very sentimental about her home. For her, home is synonymous with this particular house.

So many people in our country have recently lost their homes in all the foreclosures, or at the very least have sold their homes in a short sale. I have known several people in my area of California whose homes burned down in our two recent fires. Some folks hit hard times and end up homeless, with no place to call their own.

It is possible to be at home wherever you find yourself, if you believe that home is within you. Being centered, at peace, entirely comfortable with who you are. Knowing that you are loved, reaching out to love others. No matter your surroundings, no matter where you go, it is sweet to be home.

Susan

Peace Out (Girl Scout)

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Like Dorothy of the ruby slippers, we run around trying to find our heart's desire, only to discover it had been there all along, right in our own backyard. I can't think of anything more precious than having peace of mind. People look for it in various places, in religion, in the self-help section of the book store. It can't be found there. It exists inside of us, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to enjoy it.

How can you tap into that peace you crave? Some folks suffer from anxiety, and that requires the advice of a therapist or doctor. There is help out there for that condition, and I applaud those folks who are brave enough to get that help.

I think you need to be at peace with yourself. That means accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all. Forgiving others, seeking forgiveness from them, and forgiving yourself. Understanding what is under your control, and what is beyond your power to change. Knowing that whatever life brings, you have what it takes to handle it. Living in the present without regret for the past or worry for the future. Ending (or at least managing) relationships with toxic people. All easier said than done, I know. But peace of mind is worth it. It is worth it to learn to change your thinking and change your attitudes so you can finally have peace.

To paraphrase the song, all I am saying is, give peace a chance.

Susan

Behind the Scenes

I became an instant grandmother when my son married a lovely woman with two daughters. Other women have to wait around for grandkids, drop not-so-subtle hints, some even resort to nagging, for grandchildren. My two beautiful granddaughters came as a wonderful package deal with their mom. I felt as if my fairy grandmother had waved her magic wand. Poof! I was a grandma!

There was a difficult period of time during my mid-40's when I had to fight to keep my head above water, emotionally speaking. But something wonderful was happening behind the scenes. My two future granddaughters were both born during those two years. I thought they were the worst couple of years of my life, but what I didn't know was that two of my greatest blessings came into the world during that time. I didn't know their mom, didn't know them, had no idea the three of them even existed. They were just waiting to enter my life and bring with them joy and light.

It was all happening behind the scenes. Life can be so tough sometimes. How encouraging it can be to think that something wonderful is happening somewhere else, and sooner or later that goodness will catch up with you. It makes you want to hang in there.

Susan

The Letter

I was lucky to have a father who made me feel special, who made me feel loved. He talked to me, and listened to what I had to say. I didn't have him for long; he died a week before my eighteenth birthday. I guess it wasn't quantity of years, but quality, that we enjoyed. I have some friends whose dads are still alive; these men are in their 70's, 80's, 90's and I must say I sometimes feel a pang of envy. But I have known many people whose fathers were absent, or emotionally unavailable, and in some cases, abusive. I had one of the good ones, and for that I will always be grateful.

The last Fathers Day my dad was alive, I wrote a long letter of appreciation and gave it to him with a card. I had no way of knowing that within a few weeks, he would pass away suddenly and without warning. No time for goodbyes. I was glad I let him know how I felt.

I envision people sitting with pen and paper, or at a keyboard, composing a letter to a loved one. This place that we create will give people the freedom to express their thoughts and the encouragement to not leave things unsaid.

Susan

The Dinner Hour

I have a friend who can articulate her opinion on a number of different topics very well. Even those who disagree with her have to admit that she has given a great deal of thought to her position. She is gracious about it, and she is calm when someone else disagrees with her. If you aren't confident in your position, believe me, you do not want to debate this woman!

She was one of six children, and her mother and father encouraged talking about current events at the dinner table. They would turn on the evening news, and as they ate dinner, they would discuss the news of the day. They were permitted to disagree, and everyone's opinion was encouraged and respected. In fact, even the youngest child was expected to have an opinion.

As a result, my friend grew up believing that it is a great thing to have her own opinions and normal to express them in a respectful way. What an amazing gift her parents gave her. They have long since passed away, but they live on in this intelligent, well spoken woman. She is one of the best conversationalists I have ever met, and she learned it at her family's dinner table.

We three California women will create a place where it is safe to express an opinion.

Susan

We Become What We Behold

"I wouldn't have seen it if I hadn't believed it." Marshall McLuhan

I was thinking about three different people (two women and a man) that I have known at different times in my life, and the one thing they had in common. They feared their spouses would cheat on them. In each one of these cases, their fears were totally unfounded, so much as to be almost irrational. Nothing their spouses did or said changed how they felt. No amount of reassurance, no past track record of fidelity and integrity, made a bit of difference. And in all three cases, their spouses did eventually cheat on them. A self-fulfilling prophesy. It was their worst fear; yes. But they believed it so firmly and were so invested in it, it is my opinion that in some way they made it happen.

Our minds are very powerful. What we imagine, fear, dream, believe at our very core...that is what we bring to pass in our lives. It's not some sort of magical thinking, but it puts us in the driver's seat in a real way. If we are ever to have the life we want, we must believe that it is ours.

Susan

Hot Water

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt (With apologies to Mrs. Roosevelt, this obviously applies to men as well.)

I received a fun email from a friend. It was one of those "getting to know you" things...your favorite movie, your favorite ice cream flavor, etc. One of the questions was, "Are you a strong person?" I answered, "I am stronger than I ever knew."

While some would say that adversity builds character, I think it simply reveals who we really are. I happen to believe that everything we ever need in life is already inside of us, and it's up to us to tap into it. And that includes inner strength.

I have been thinking about the strong people, men and women, I have known throughout my life. While their personalities have been diverse, there is a common thread. An innate kindness and gentleness. A strong person doesn't need to bluster and bully others to prop themselves up. A calmness at the core; their feathers are not easily ruffled. An ability to control their emotions. Some of them have been very expressive people (one of them is a natural redhead), but they have discipline. You won't find them throwing temper tantrums. An ability to listen, without jumping in and seizing control. A strong person can take over when it's needed, but the real beauty of their strength is that they help you find yours.

Susan

Soul Sister

"God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions. Once we begin to ask them, there's no turning back." Gloria Steinem

While I will admit we still have a way to go to see true equality, women have made amazing strides in the past century. When my grandmothers were born, women were not allowed to vote in our country. My granddaughters are growing up rightfully assuming that they can do anything a boy can do. What a debt of gratitude we owe to past generations of women who paved the way, that what used to be viewed as a privilege is now simply a right that is taken for granted. That's as it should be.

You would think this progress would solidify women; that there would be a true sisterhood. Supporting one another; all for one and one for all. Not so. We grandmothers and mothers must ask ourselves why are our young girls developing eating disorders? Why has size zero become the epitome of beauty; in fact, why does size zero even exist? Why do we flock to cosmetic surgeons to tuck this and pump up that? Why are we so unhappy with who we are? Why are the stay-at-home moms and the mothers who work outside the home at war, questioning and judging one another's choices?

Hey, soul sister! Are you out there?

Susan

You Are Not Alone

I am usually pretty good at keeping secrets, but for one memorable exception. A friend was getting married and some of us were planning a surprise bridal shower for her. She showed me something she had just purchased, and I said, "Oh, I almost got you that for your sh-" Uh oh!

I recently had the experience of sharing something rather personal with a friend, only to discover later she had told someone else. There was no malicious intent on her part, and to be fair, I didn't swear her to secrecy. We didn't mingle our spit or do a pinky swear or anything like that. And she tends to overshare her own personal information, so I think she was just behaving normally for her. But I will be a little more careful about what I tell her in the future.

Secrets. It's good to keep a surprise party a secret, and it's good not to blab stuff about others. But keeping some secrets is a bad idea. Secrets are powerful. They thrive in the dark, growing and gaining more and more power over you. Some victims of abuse keep it a secret and never tell a soul. There is the shame associated with it, the idea that maybe you deserve what you are getting, that other people will think you are stupid or weak, or simply that you will not be believed. When you talk about the abuse, you discover that you are not alone. That you (unfortunately) belong to a big club of people who have suffered like you have, and even people who have never experienced it are pretty sympathetic and non-judgmental. Telling that secret, putting it out there in the open, diminishes some of the power it has over you.

I have found that we humans are more alike than we are different. It is sad to think that we isolate ourselves, keeping our sad secrets, when sharing them can be so freeing.

Susan

Finding the Words

"The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read." Abraham Lincoln

I have always loved books and I love to read. One of my favorite places when I was a child was our small town's library. The adult part of the library was on the main floor, and I climbed the stairs to the children's area on the second floor. I recall the library being a newly constructed facility, and it seemed very modern at the time. It was even air conditioned! It smelled new...fresh paint, that new carpet smell, mingled with the distinctive aroma of books. The books were filled with words, and I understood at a young age that words were very powerful things. I also read dictionaries, to discover new words and their meanings. I still love it when someone uses a word that is unfamiliar to me. It is a wonderful new discovery.

Recently I was trying to articulate the thoughts and emotions about something I was experiencing, and it was one of those times where words seemed to fail me. A few days later at a second hand store, I picked up a fiction paperback for 25 cents. I was simply looking for something to read. I had not heard of the author or the book before. I was on my way to work, didn't have a lot of time and it was hard to beat the price. So I bought the book.

Later that day, I sat down to read it. It was published originally in 1993. The book was written in the first person, and was about a woman in the 1930's who had returned to her home in England. Her circumstances were far removed from my own, but in the first chapter as she described her emotions and feelings, it was as though she was describing what I have been experiencing. I read and re-read and re-read the passage, and almost shouted out loud, "That is exactly how I feel!"

So I did find the words I was looking for. They had been written seventeen years earlier by another woman named Susan, and had somehow ended up in a thrift store. Waiting for me. The words had been waiting for me.

Susan

Boundaries

We have alarms on our cars and deadbolts on our front doors. We invest in burglar alarms. We insure our stuff. We take care of our material possessions, and it is right and good that we do so. Our stuff is valuable to us.

But do we guard our hearts? I was talking with a man who has a rather toxic older brother. Efforts to work out their relationship have proved to be futile, and it seemed his brother was either unable or unwilling to change. The man asked me what I thought, and I said maybe he should limit his exposure. Not cut his brother out of his life completely, but limit phone calls and visits to where they are more manageable and to where he is not continually hurt. Talk to him or see him less often, and then be ready to end a phone call or a visit when things start to deteriorate. Some people should only be taken in small doses, and his brother seemed to fall into that category.

We set the boundaries, and we enforce them. Taking good care of your heart is a very smart way to live.

Susan

A Job Well Done

I told a new co-worker one of our customers said he had done a great job. He seemed stunned and said, "Were they being sarcastic?" I assured him that the praise was sincere and I thought I should pass it along. Now this man is new to our company so I really don't know him well yet. I couldn't tell you why he was so surprised at the kudos.

Some folks are just uncomfortable being complimented or praised. I have a friend who has taught his children that when they are complimented, the best response is "thank you." Now I know that there can be a hidden agenda, that sometimes sweet talk can be to butter you up, to flatter you, maybe to get something out of you. But wouldn't that be the exception rather than the rule?

Are you generous with praise and positive feedback? Most companies get their share of complaints from customers, but I wonder how often they hear something good. Your recognition of someone's efforts could make that person's day.

Susan

A Failure to Communicate

I haven't posted anything for a while because I haven't had anything to say. That started me thinking about communication. Why we talk. Why we don't. Why we speak of trivial things, when the proverbial elephant is pretty much taking up the whole room. I think all of us have known at least one person who chatters non-stop but never actually says anything.

Poor communication can kill a marriage or a romantic relationship. You are supposedly so close to this person, you love each other so much, yet you can't simply say what's on your mind? Something is seriously wrong there. Good communication is essential to all our relationships...family, friends, business associates. The things we don't say cause the other person to have to guess and imagine and that can lead to all kinds of wrong conclusions being drawn.

What are the words we are leaving unsaid?

Susan

We Have Nothing To Fear, But...

"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" Robert H. Schuller

I have enjoyed some wonderful successes in my life, and some failures. Two of my most notable failures were fairly big ones. I was a little mixed up for a while and felt that because I had failed, I was a failure. There is a difference, and a significant one. It's the difference between what you do and who you are. Some time and some perspective helped me reach the conclusion that although I certainly have failed, I am not a failure. Logic tells us that we will not succeed at everything we do, but failure can be painful. And the fear of failure can be crippling.

What is it you have never attempted because you think (or maybe you are fairly sure) you will fail? Take that fear out of the equation and it seems to me the sky would be the limit.

Susan

Sing As If No One Is Listening

I love to sing! When I was in fourth grade, we put on a musical. When I say "we" I mean "them" and not "me." The music teacher chose the best singers for the main roles; the others were in the chorus, except a handful of kids who were completely excluded: some badly behaved boys the teacher didn't want to deal with and me, the lone girl. I was so hurt and asked the music teacher could I not even be in the chorus and she said no. She told me, "You can't carry a tune." I cried buckets of tears over that.

She was the music teacher and I believed her that I could not carry a tune. I told myself for years that I was not a good singer. Now here's the good thing. That didn't stop me from singing. I sing in the shower and out of it. I sing in the car. Just the other day in the supermarket, Diana Ross and I implored some guy to stop in the name of love. I also have learned that she was not correct in her assessment. I am a good singer.

Your life is a big musical production, and you have the starring role. Go ahead. Belt it out!

Susan