I Guess He Thought I Knew

For some reason, lately I've heard people say that growing up their parents didn't say "I love you" or hug them at all, or very rarely. Isn't that interesting, because would you not think that the vast majority of parents love their children? Most of these people I've heard from are in their 40's or older, so I guess some of it might be child-rearing practices in days gone by. Maybe their standoffishness had to do with ethnicity or culture, or their own upbringing. I know that people express love in different ways, and those who didn't express it verbally or physically may still raise children who certainly felt loved. In 2011, we now know from scientists what some have always known instinctively, that hearing the words "I love you" and having touch from a parent is quite important to a child's development.

For a class last semester, I researched father-daughter relationships and found something startling. The number one predictor of high self-esteem in a girl is physical affection from her father, and the most crucial time for this is age 10-14. How sad it is, then, that this is precisely the time when dads start to pull back physically.

I guess my thoughts today are two-fold. The first is that if your parents were deficient in the verbal and physical expressions of love, that you might think of other ways in which they showed they cared. And secondly, if you have kids, no matter how old they may be, that the next time you see them, you give them a big old bear hug, and don't you dare be the first to let go. And why wait a minute longer to tell them you love them? Pick up the phone and tell them you love them. Leave a voice mail that says, "I love you" if they aren't available. Because it's never too late to say what we think they already know.

Susan

Lyrics to "The Greatest Man I Never Knew" by Layng Martine, Jr. and Richard Leigh

Asking For It

Our office environment was pretty toxic. The manager was an insecure woman who preyed on the weak and wounded. She gathered information about our personal lives, and sorted the weak from the strong. In her estimation, there were two camps in our office of thirty women. There were the women who were assertive in demeanor, and/or those who had husbands/partners who were gainfully employed. These were the women she believed did not "need" to work. The second group were the more mild-mannered women, and/or those who were single or whose husbands/partners were not pulling their weight. These were the women she believed "needed" to work, and would take what she dished out because they needed a job badly. Her conclusions were not even accurate, but this is how she operated. She could be quite vicious, but it was so interesting to see that she only did it when she knew she could get away with it.

In no way do I want to ever blame the victim, but I think many times in life we get what we tolerate from other people. We, by our attitudes, actions and words, tell people how to treat us. I had one of those "light bulb" moments a few years ago when I was talking to my therapist about someone who never apologized. "Did you ever ask him to apologize?" she asked me. I was taken aback, because I truly had never even thought about asking anyone to apologize to me, ever, under any circumstance.

Until very recently, I have pretty much not asked others to do anything. My thought was always that they should do the right thing, and I didn't want to issue ultimatums, demand, ask or even suggest that they do that. They should do it because it's the right thing or because they loved me or because they wanted to or whatever. I wonder now how much I have been missing out on in life because I would not ask for what I want or need.

Every day we tell people how to treat us, and at any time we can extend an invitation for them to do the right thing. We can ask for what we want or need, and they can give it to us or not. Once we ask, it's on them. Their choice, their karma.

Susan

The Silver Lining

President Reagan was a great story teller. He liked to tell the one about the boy who was so optimistic, his more pessimistic parents became concerned about him. As he grew up and faced the harsh reality of life, would he be able to handle it? Their solution was to put a huge pile of horse manure in his bedroom one night while he slept. They planned, once he awoke in the morning, to have a very serious discussion with him about how bleak life could be, using all that crap as an object lesson. Imagine their surprise when they heard a joyful hoot coming from his room, and they hurried in to find their son going through all that messy stuff with his hands. Horrified, his mom asked him, "What in the world are you doing?" Smiling broadly, he looked at her and said, "There must be a pony in here somewhere!"

Optimism is a great habit to cultivate, and it is a habit. It is a choice, this looking for the good in life. And it can be there. Sometimes it takes a while to find it and you get your hands dirty sifting through it all. Believing that there is something good for us in even the most challenging situations goes a long way in keeping up our spirits during tough times. Believing that every cloud has a silver lining can give us hope.

But let's be frank now. Sometimes it's simply not there. It is all crap and no pony. All cloud with not even a glimpse of silver. It is then that our inherent creative powers can kick in. It's then that we choose to make something good out of our bad stuff. It's then that we take the optimistic attitude to a completely new level, when we take complete responsibility for everything in our lives, and we create the positive outcome for ourselves. We are the ones who make something beautiful out of something ugly. We are the ones who make our own silver linings.

Susan

Tell Me a Story

Do you know the story of "Tootle" by Gertrude Crampton? Tootle was a baby locomotive who wanted to grow up to be a big locomotive and go very fast. I read the story of Tootle countless times, to the point where I had the words memorized. It was my pleasure to do so, to share in the joy of the story with that sweet little boy. "Tootle" was my older son's favorite book when he was two. Toddlers learn from repetition of favorite stories, and they also find comfort in those favorite books.

I think that some adults also find comfort in their favorite stories, but not necessarily those ones found in books. My friend graduated from university roughly fifteen years ago. Her father has been telling the story that he paid for her college education. He still tells that story. Problem is, he didn't. Well, to be fair, he did give her $300 her freshman year, but that is far from footing the bill. She has corrected him numerous times, but he still finds some odd comfort in telling the story. Maybe he has told it so many times that he actually believes it himself. Now I'm not here to debate whether or not a parent should help a child with college, although I think parents should do that. It's just strange that he would tell a story which is essentially nothing more than a lie. Perhaps you know someone like that, a person who rewrites history to further his own agenda.

But enough about other people. I have to wonder if there are stories that I've been telling myself for years, to the point where I have the words memorized. Is my history true, or have I taken liberties with it to paint myself in a better light? Is what I tell other people, and more importantly, what I tell myself, true?

Susan

Quitting Time

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back on the right road. In that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive." C. S. Lewis

Those who know me would agree I am tenacious. I grab hold of something, and I don't let go. Add to my tenacity self-discipline and inner motivation, and I have overcome some serious obstacles in my life. These qualities have served me well on a number of occasions.

I think it's interesting how our greatest strengths can easily become our greatest weaknesses. In some cases, I have doggedly continued on down a road that was going no where. I used to be a person who hated failure, or to be more exact, I feared it. Quitters never win and winners never quit. Right? Well, not always. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to hoist up that white flag of surrender. The truly successful and fulfilled person has the wisdom to know when to continue, and when it is quitting time. I think my unwillingness to give up when something was obviously not working could be attributed to my own false sense of pride. It's perfectly okay and very normal to fail. There is no shame in admitting defeat. It's important to learn to do that, so precious time is not wasted traveling a road to no where.

There's a time to begin, a time to continue on, but let's not miss quitting time.

Susan

The Riddler

"He must be very ignorant, for he answers every question he is asked." Voltaire

I love super heroes, and Batman is my favorite, hands down. I don't know why I love him like I do. Who can explain love, really? It might be because the 1960's television series starring the very dashing Adam West was a favorite show of mine when I was a little girl. The villains in Batman are great, too. The Joker and Catwoman, and how about The Riddler? He wore that cool green onesie with the question marks all over it. He would warn Gotham City police and Batman ahead of time of his crimes, in the form of complex riddles. The Riddler is cool. And riddles are fun. But not in every day communication.

She loved to ask questions. It was her main form of communication. She tended to be passive aggressive. You know the type. Smiling sweetly on the outside, smoldering subterfuge on the inside. She was my family's version of the Riddler. She did it to everyone, so it wasn't just some weird dynamic between the two of us. I caught on early in our relationship that when she asked a question, she was actually making a statement. And it was up to everyone around her to figure out the complex riddle and give her what she wanted. It did not go well if you came up with the wrong answer to the riddle, either. Here's a classic example of how my Riddler operated, from the earliest days of our relationship. She never called me to chat, only if she wanted something.

(Landline phone pre-caller ID days. Phone rings: ding a ling a ling.)
Me: Hello.
Riddler: Do you guys have the flu? (whiny sad voice, no "hello" first)
Me: No. We are all healthy.
(Pause.)
Riddler: Oh.
(Another pause to allow me further time to solve the riddle)
Me: Do YOU have the flu?
Riddler: Yes! I have been so sick...

I know it can be difficult for some to ask for what they want or need. I know that some were raised in families where being direct was frowned upon. I know that women of this Riddler's generation can be a little coy and think it's feminine. I know. I know. I know. Over the years, I tired of the Riddler's game. And it is a game. So I began to answer her questions very simply. She became quite frustrated with me when I no longer played along. It was no great loss; there were plenty of other people for the Riddler to riddle.

My Riddler passed away a few years ago, but I still find myself stinging from the experience. I am a little overly sensitive, I suppose, to the passive aggressive riddles. It is a lot of work to try to put all the clues together, to read between the lines, to interpret tone of voice, to guess at what those Riddlers really want from me. When a Riddler starts to riddle me, maybe I should riddle her back with, "Is there something you want to say to me?"

And now I have a riddle for you. Why does Snoop Dogg need a raincoat?
Fer drizzle.

Susan

Recalculating

She calls the woman's voice in her car's GPS "Thelma," as in the great buddy movie, "Thelma and Louise." I love all the new technology to get from Point A to Point B, in our computers, smart phones and the car. I would think this would contribute to a lower overall divorce rate since it eliminates the highly stressful scenario where one spouse drives and the other one sits with a map on the lap navigating. There may be some drivers who argue with Thelma, but that is a different story.

Make a wrong turn or miss an exit, and Thelma says, "Recalculating." Then she tells you what to do next to get back on course, cautioning you to make only lawful u-turns. Getting from Point A to Point B is not always a straight line. You have human error, detours, weather, and don't tell her I said this, but sometimes Thelma is wrong.

Recalculating. Being successful and happy in life requires flexibility and the ability to recalculate your route when needed. You think you have it all nailed down, and an unexpected illness, job loss or natural disaster makes you go off course for a while. Then it's time to recalculate. The thing is, you need to just keep going, keep on moving and sooner or later you get to Point B. Just don't be so focused on the destination that you don't enjoy the scenery along the way. Getting there should be half the fun.

Happy trails to you, and may all your u-turns be lawful.

Susan