Innocence

Jury selection began yesterday in the trial of Jerry Sandusky, the Pennsylvania man accused of raping young boys. I wrote about him and his former boss, the late Joe Paterno, here. While there are some serious flaws in our criminal justice system, one of the great things about it is the right to a jury of our peers. I was born and grew up in Pennsylvania, a place where football is practically a religion, a place where Penn State football and the man known as Joe Pa are both larger than life. That makes what's going on there a little more interesting to me, I suppose. The venue is Centre county, right there in Nittany Lion territory. I am counting on the Pennsylvanians who end up sitting on that jury to be fair minded.

I think one of the good things that has come out of this is that people are realizing that boys can be raped. While that has seemed like a given to me, I have found that not everyone thinks that way. There has been this prevalent feeling among many, I think, that when we hear about little boys being molested, it is something called "fondling." Fondling in and of itself would be a horrible violation, but it is rape. Anal rape.  And being forced to perform oral sex.

Whether or not Sandusky is found guilty of these crimes remains to be seen. Another wonderful thing about our system is the presumption of innocence. He is going to have his day in court, perhaps as early as Monday if jury selection goes as planned. There will be no videotaping, which is probably a good thing for me, because I would be tempted to spend way too much of my time watching it and I think the negative energy would not be good for me.

Boys just have a special place in my heart, I suppose because of my two sons. In America we sometimes treat them differently than little girls, like they are less fragile and not so easily shattered. But they aren't. Their innocence is something to be fiercely guarded.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if Sandusky himself had his innocence violated when he was a small boy. Abuse does not happen in a vacuum. So this is a good thing, right? This trial in Pennsylvania where the world receives a little more light on this sad subject. I am telling myself that. I am telling myself that something good is coming out of all that. It must.

Susan

Play to Win

My younger son played high school football, and it was a great experience for him. He loved it. I loved watching him. As a freshman and junior varsity player, he was a tight end. As a varsity player, he was the fullback. I heard the announcer say, "Touchdown!" and then my son's name on many occasions.

Football is a violent sport, even with pads and helmets, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I sometimes cringed as I sat there in the bleachers. He had some injuries. A broken thumb, a torn labrum in his shoulder, a concussion.

It seemed there was a lull in the game and the ideal time for me to go to the restroom. Walking back to the bleachers, a mom from our team looked at me with terror on her face and said, "Oh my god! Is he okay?" I had no idea what she was talking about. I had missed the whole thing. In retrospect, that was probably good. His dad told me that he had gotten hit pretty hard, and the trainer said he had a mild concussion. I wanted to run down to check on him, but that would not have been okay with him, and in fact his dad had already done that while I was in the restroom. It was okay for dads to do that, not okay for moms. So I stayed away. The quarterback's dad saw that I was about to cry, and he patted my hand and said, "He's okay. He just got his bell rung."

He had the mildest concussion possible. He never lost consciousness. He didn't vomit. I was so upset that I almost did. He had a mild headache. My head throbbed.  His dad and I took turns checking on him throughout the night. I was afraid he would go to sleep and never wake up. Visions of him paralyzed for life flashed through my head. On the outside, I was calm and reassuring and very much together. In private, I cried. I was torn between wanting him to have fun and do what he loved to do, and my mother's fear that something terrible would happen to this most precious person. I spent a lot of time online educating myself on head injuries, and with more knowledge, I calmed down. He sat out practice that week and didn't play the next game, which he hated. Doctor's and trainer's orders. Then things were back to normal, he was playing again, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Former professional football player Junior Seau took his own life this past week. His family has asked that his brain be studied, because it could be that repeated head injuries played a role in his state of mind. It has been going on with other players. We Americans love our football, and it is big business. High school football is as American as apple pie. But I don't think our brains were designed to be slammed into over and over with no bad results.

Seau was only 43. This week we also lost musician Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys at age 47. He had cancer. Such young men. Or young to me, because I guess young is a relative term. I'm rambling now, aren't I? So I'll stop and just leave you with this song.

Susan

"Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win" written by Adam Yauch, Michael Diamond, Santi White and Adam Horovitz

Dropping Your Guard

When my younger son played high school football, the mom of one of our defensive players had two signs she would hold up at key times. One sign had the letter "D" on it; the other, a picture of a fence. We would all yell, "Dee! Fence!"

After my first ninety days at a new job, it was time for my performance review. My supervisor said that I accepted criticism very well. "You are remarkably non-defensive," she said. That meant a lot to me, mostly because I was involved in a personal relationship for years where I was told how defensive I was. Isn't it interesting how verbally abusive people label others as being defensive? Maybe it's only natural to defend yourself when you're being attacked.

Any of us interested in self-improvement should welcome correction and criticism. None of us is perfect, and if we want to become all that we can be, certainly we will all need some help along the way. Praise and encouragement are wonderful, but we also sometimes need to hear some hard truths. How sad if those who care about us would be less than honest, unwilling to call us out on stuff because we can't handle the truth about ourselves. How sad if they hesitate to ask for what they want or need from us, because we are so easily offended.

Being prickly and defensive puts people off and inhibits closeness with those we love. It also keeps us from being all that we can be. The vast majority of people have no malicious intent, so why not trust them enough to hear what they have to say and see if it has some merit? It just makes absolutely no sense to go on the defense when we're not even being attacked.

Susan

Calculated Risks

"I wouldn't go swimming in a tsunami." Loudmouth Birdie

My younger son played high school football. He was a starting player all four years. His positions throughout his career were tight end and fullback. There were many nights I heard the announcer say "Touchdown!" and then his name. His dad and I were always in the stands, dressed head to toe in our spirit wear. I waved a sign with his name on it. He had my support, one hundred percent. It was not without some trepidation, however, that I watched the game. Football is a very violent sport. He did sustain several injuries. None were life threatening. One did involve surgery. There were times my stomach was in knots, and there were occasions that I cried behind closed doors. But I did not allow my own fear to affect him. I wanted him to run out on that football field with full confidence. Some mothers won't "let" their kids play football. I strongly disagree. It is counterintuitive, I know, for Mama to allow Baby to be at risk. But he loved what he was doing, and for me that far outweighed any of the hazards.

He is now a strong, confident man of 26. Proud does not even begin to describe how I feel about him. He takes calculated risks, and I'd like to think I helped teach him how to do that. I don't ever want to see him or his older brother hurt in anyway; physically, emotionally or mentally. I still feel very protective of them both. I likely always will.

But just living every day is a gamble. Let's not take foolish risks. We need to take all the necessary precautions; wear the helmet, mouthpiece and pads. But once we've suited up, let's get out there and play this game we call life. Let's give it everything we've got. Let's hold nothing back.

Susan

Now or Later

"Either you deal with what is the reality, or you can be sure that the reality is going to deal with you." Alex Haley

The real world is so distasteful at times. It just makes you want to go ostrich. We don't want to face something, so we pretend it doesn't exist. Someone tries to talk to us about it and we put our fingers in our ears and yell, "La la la la la, I can't hear you!" Yeah. Very mature. I have done that a few times, and in every case I only made matters worse for myself.

When you have a problem, attack it instead of allowing it to attack you. Face it early and with eyes wide open. Oh yes. It is ugly. It is not pleasant. But you need to see it for what it is, in order to develop a strategy for dealing with it.

You know what they say in football. The best defense is a good offense. So go after it. Now. Before it gets you.

Susan