All

Over the years, I have been able to temper my perfectionism. Once I saw it for what it was, which for me was false pride and a feeling of not being good enough in and of myself. On purpose, I began to stop and say, "Okay. This will do." I eased off the pressure, and found to my surprise, that I did things even better when I relaxed. I wrote about the difference between perfectionism and excellence here.

That all being said, I do throw myself wholeheartedly into everything I do. I have a lot of enthusiasm. Yesterday at work, I was depending on someone who seems to do just enough to get by. There were a couple of places that she could have picked up the pace just a little, you know rise to the occasion and all that, but she didn't. I had to check my judgmental attitude toward her, because that isn't helpful.

She's just not an all or nothing kind of gal. Now sometimes I have wished that I could be a little more lukewarm about things, but it's not who I am. And really, being excited and enthusiastic and throwing my whole being into something makes me really happy.

Susan

"All or Nothing" written by Oscar Hammerstein II and Richard Rodgers

Trial and Error

When I was in junior high, boys took Shop and girls took Home Economics. Required classes, strictly segregated by gender. It seemed to me that most of the other girls came into the classes already having some experience, being taught to a greater or lesser degree to sew and cook by their mothers. I came in with no experience. Sewing class was the first class I ever failed, because I didn't complete my apron in the allotted time. For a "good" student like me to fail a class, oh my goodness, I was crushed. Perhaps I had a natural talent for cooking and baking, because I did really well in Cooking class. It was an exciting mixture of Art and Science, where creativity met chemistry to make something delicious.

Graham Smith of National Public Radio has written an article (complete with gorgeous photographs) on Thomas Jefferson the farmer. I visited his Virginia home, Monticello, when I was a child but I don't really remember it. I would love to go back now and take another tour. Jefferson had 130 different varieties of fruit trees, and over 300 varieties of 90 different plants. He experimented with exotics unknown to that area at the time, like kale, sesame, eggplant and tomatoes.

A meticulous record keeper, Jefferson kept track of his successes and his many, many failures. He wrote that if he failed 99 times out of 100, that one success was worth the 99 failures. Trial and error. I can still remember my angst and frustration trying to make that apron, knowing that it was not okay to fail. I remember the sewing machine being a completely foreign object. New words like "bobbin" and "selvage."  Trying to wrap my brain around what the teacher explained to the class. I can remember her seeming impatience with me as I asked again and again how to do it, while the other girls seemingly zipped through sewing, the machines whirling around me. My dread as the deadline approached, when it became increasingly evident that I was not going to be done with that apron. It was not okay to fail. Not okay. And the more pressure I put on myself, the less able I was to perform. I can remember when I got that failing grade, when I saw that "E" (we didn't have "F" as a grade; failing was an "E") on paper. I cried buckets.

 It was actually perfectly okay for me to fail seventh grade Sewing. Now while it is true they used to say to us, "This will go down on your permanent record," my inability to get an apron finished on time has not held me back from doing anything I wanted to do with my life these past forty years. I went on to eighth and ninth grade Sewing, and I did all right. It was okay to fail. I just didn't know it. To me, getting anything less than a B in any class was not acceptable. This is not something my parents put on me. It was all me and my strong identification with being a good student and a good girl.

Smith tells us that many times Jefferson wrote the word "failed" in his journals. Failed due to bad weather. Failed due to a bug. Failed. Failed. Failed. Jefferson was a very accomplished adult, but he seemed to take his hobby of being what was called back then a "gentleman farmer" seriously. But not so seriously that he was paralyzed by a fear of failure.

One of the wonderful things that has happened to me throughout my life is that I have become much less of a perfectionist. I have learned to be kind and gentle with myself, to strike a delicate balance between challenging myself and being too hard on myself. I fail and it's okay. I'm not perfect, and that's perfectly fine.

And you know what? I don't even own an apron.

Susan

My Inspiration

"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected." Steve Jobs

I used to be a perfectionist, and it wasn't a pretty sight. I had unrealistic expectations of myself, and was quick to condemn myself when I didn't meet them. I got tired of living that way, so I decided to change it. Once I took the self-imposed pressure off, I found that I actually performed better.

I no longer strive for perfection, but I am a big fan of excellence. If it's worth my time and effort, it's worth doing well. It's worth my best shot.

I am thankful for the people in my life who by their own example of excellence, lift me up and inspire me to do my best.

What about you? Who, in your life, is a yardstick of quality? And have you thanked them lately for inspiring you?

Susan

Regret

"You want to cry aloud for your mistakes, but to tell the truth the world doesn't need anymore of that sound." Mary Oliver

Regret is such a bitter emotion. It is good to reflect upon our past mistakes. Learn whatever lessons are there. Apologize to those we may have hurt. Make amends for what was done. Then move forward, smarter for the experience. There are no buttons in life that say rewind or even pause. Just forward. It's the only way we can go.

When I was married with two little boys, a casual acquaintance made the observation to my husband that I was really hard on myself. She asked him if I was that tough on him and the kids. He replied that oddly enough, I was not; that my patience and kindness for them knew no bounds. When he told me of this, he asked me why I could be that way with the three of them, yet be so harsh with myself. This conversation was a real turning point for me, and I began to take steps to be more gentle with myself. The unexpected result was that I have made less mistakes and messed up less without all that self-imposed pressure.

I guess sometimes it's easier to forgive other people than it is to forgive yourself.

Susan

Nobody's Perfect

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor." Anne Lamott

Anything worth doing is worth doing well. We should take pride in our work. We should give our best effort. I want any surgeon working on me to be a perfectionist! However, some people take it to an extreme, and those folks need to reach the conclusion that sometimes "good enough" is enough.

Some perfectionists take forever to complete a task because they are so focused on doing it perfectly. Procrastination and perfectionism can also go hand in hand. Putting something off until you can do it perfectly causes you to miss deadlines. Trying to be perfect can take a lot of joy out of life, if you sit out the volleyball game at the picnic because you aren't a world class athlete.

Some people seem hard wired this way. But one perfectionist I know told me when he was a child, nothing he ever did was good enough for his dad. His father died many years ago, but this man still allows those old tapes to play over and over in his head.

Why be so hard on yourself? You know, just between you and me, "perfect" does not really exist. So why not give yourself a break and just be good enough.

Susan