Action

"Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you." Thomas Jefferson

One of the very important jobs a parent has is to nurture a child's self-esteem. This starts with bonding with the infant and meeting their needs quickly. As they are toddlers and you must begin to set limits, you teach them that while they may do things wrong, they are good people. They must know that you love them unconditionally, but that does not mean they can do whatever they please. As they grow, they are taught to do the right thing, given age-appropriate responsibilities, and your expectations need to be reasonable but firm. Your praise must be generous but honest. One of the things that makes them feel good about themselves is not Mom and Dad constantly saying "Good job!" It's the fact that they are doing what is good, what is right, giving it their best and they are succeeding.

Sometimes adults think they could do this, that or the other thing if only they felt better about themselves. Low self-esteem is a very real condition, and if you started out in life with a deficit, I can totally relate to that. Been there. But instead of waiting to magically feel better about who you are, why not start to do what you know is right and good? Act! You will be surprised at how the very act of doing will boost your self-esteem. At some point, we need to figure out who we want to be and start becoming that person.

Susan

How Far Have You Come?

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome." Booker T. Washington

Some of my greatest treasures are things my kids made as they were growing up. I have some of them on display, and others are kept neatly away where I can go through them from time to time. I love doing it. Did you know that a necklace made of macaroni is more precious than anything at the jewelry store?

A friend showed me some notes her ten-year-old daughter made for her. Neatly printed with words of love for her mom, colorful pictures. Any parent would be pleased and proud. But what made these love notes even more meaningful is the fact that this child is autistic and has some profound learning differences. It took a great deal of effort for her to sit down and do this, and the result is visible evidence of how far she has progressed.

Are you less than enamored with where you are in life? Take a look back and see the hurdles that you have cleared, and it might give you a different definition of the word "success."

Susan

The Fourth of July

"Dissent is the highest form of patriotism." Howard Zinn

In a few days, we will celebrate Independence Day. I love my country. But I don't support the war. I haven't from its inception. I was told by an acquaintance that if you don't support the war, you are showing disrespect to the troops. I have heard this idea before, so I asked her to elaborate. I normally don't discuss politics or religion, but she and I are both pretty calm people, so I knew we could do it without getting all hot under the collar. I listened to her, then I told her something about me she didn't know.

Both my son and daughter-in-law are veterans. While this war has been going on, my son spent two tours of duty in the middle east. He was in harm's way. I know firsthand the sacrifice the brave military men and women make daily for their country. Some make the ultimate sacrifice. They do this so that we can enjoy our freedoms, which include the right to speak our minds and to dissent.

Blindly following is not the American way. Never has been. I hope it never will be.

Susan

Getting Over It

"My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure." Abraham Lincoln

Like all people, I am a combination of my genetic makeup, my upbringing, circumstances beyond my control, and my own choices. We are all dealt a hand in life, and we don't get to pick the cards. But we all get to decide how we play the hand that we are dealt.

I know some folks who live in the past. Something bad happened; it doesn't really matter how it came to pass or even what it was. At that point, their lives just sort of stopped. Oh, they continue to exist, but they really don't live anymore. They can recount the awful thing that took place in vivid detail and with raw emotion. To hear them talk, it might have happened yesterday instead of being ancient history. They aren't happy people, and they aren't fun to be around. It is almost like they have become content with their failure. Maybe it's an excuse that covers a multitude of sins, a blanket reason to not move on and flourish and grow.

One such person I know was told that she needed to "get over it." She was quite offended, but you know, her friend spoke the truth. Maybe it was a poor choice of words, but we do need to process, learn, take responsibility, and move on. That isn't the same as pretending it never happened, or being oblivious to the scars you might carry. But at some point we do need to get over it. This can require the help of a professional. I am a great believer in seeking therapy and counseling. But for that to work, you have to be prepared to hear and then heed the advice given. Not an easy thing to do, but the great things in life don't often come easily or quickly.

How sad to live in the past, when today is such a beautiful day.

Susan

Celebration

I had two wonderful Labradors. Each lived to a ripe old age. We had birthday parties for them. A gift, special treats, and a cake. Just a simple family party at home, although I know some people who invite other dogs. My first Lab would recognize the "Happy Birthday to You" song anytime she heard it, and became very joyful.

When my younger son was in junior high, he had some friends coming over, and he told them that we were having a birthday party for our dog, so of course they joined in the fun. It was very sweet to see that each one brought a gift. Not something they had actually gone shopping for, but they looked for something around their houses that our Lab would like. There was a tennis ball and a frisbee, as I recall. The next morning when they went home, one of the boys said to me, "Thank you. That was really fun. I had never been to a dog's birthday party before."

Special occasions are cause for celebration. I have a friend who just celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary; she and her husband were honored by their daughter for an entire weekend of parties and fun. And the fact that these two people have been married for fifty years and just as in love as ever is definite cause for celebration. What an amazing accomplishment.

But what about the every day, the times that don't seem so extraordinary? Do you celebrate life on a regular basis? Just the fact that we are here is good reason to bake a cake and put up a few streamers. This life that we have is a precious gift. Let's celebrate it.

Susan

Send Me No Flowers

In elementary school, we had special subjects like Music and Art once a week. The Art teacher went from class to class, school to school. During one Art class, the teacher angrily yelled at us and it was very scary. I don't recall what happened, but I do remember the sick feeling in my stomach and also knowing that he was being unfair. I understood the difference between being corrected for something wrong, and just getting dumped on, and he definitely dumped on us. The next week as Art class approached, some of us were talking about how he might behave. We weren't looking forward to it.

Art class began and he was sweet as pie; overly nice to be exact. He also brought us treats. But he never mentioned how he had behaved or said he was sorry. It all seemed so artificial to me, and I remember thinking, "Why is he pretending like everything is supposed to be okay now?" Now I guess I could have cut him a break. At least he understood he was in the wrong and was trying to make it up to us. We were just little kids, but we weren't stupid. Trying to buy us off with some cookies. Even children deserve respect.

I used to work in a large office of all women and whenever the florist made a delivery, one co-worker would invariably shake her head and say, "Oh, he's been bad." Flowers are wonderful, and a beautiful bouquet of roses can make you feel very special. But not if they are a substitute for something else. Remorse is fine. But respect is best.

Susan

The Hardest Word

I once knew a woman who would not admit when she was wrong. She also had an odd (but oddly amusing) way of apologizing. "If I have done anything to offend you, I apologize." I heard her say this a number of times to people, and once she told me of a disagreement between two of her coworkers. She drew one of them aside and advised that they actually say this. On one occasion, I witnessed a conversation where someone very clearly told her what she had done (and she was 100% in the wrong) and she got all huffy and said, "Well, I'm sorry I'm not perfect." Then she burst into tears.

It seems that we as humans go to extremes. There are the people who won't apologize, and then there are the ones who are constantly saying they are sorry for everything under the sun. Can't we find a happy medium? Even the most well-intentioned person will hurt others from time to time, and an apology is in order.

You state what you have done; clearly. You acknowledge how it has affected the other person; simply. You say you are sorry; sincerely. You take steps to never do it again; positively. We teach toddlers to do this. Don't hit your brother. That hurts. Tell him you are sorry. If a two-year-old can understand that, why do we as adults make it so complicated?

Susan

Driven to Distraction

When our kids are growing up, one of the things we can do to help them succeed in school is to create an environment at home that is conducive to studying and getting homework done. Some children need a little down time right after school. Others do better if they just dive right in. A snack before getting started may be a good idea, because you can't think on an empty stomach. One child might like to sit at the kitchen table, but another kid needs a quieter, more private place. The parent can also help by teaching the child to manage or eliminate distractions. When I was a teenager, I did my school work while listening to music. It helped me; to someone else it would be unwelcome distraction. I guess it comes down to knowing your child and how they best work.

As we face difficulties, it sometimes seems the problems might swallow us up. It is then that we need to be distracted in a positive way. A little down time playing a favorite game on the computer, a Saturday morning on the golf course, whatever you enjoy doing that will for a little while take your mind off the problem at hand. Sometimes it is good to be distracted.

Susan

Brilliance

"These gems have life in them: their colors speak, say what words fail of." George Eliot

I have a "mother's ring." I wear it all the time and enjoy looking at the six gems in it; the birthstones of my two sons, daughter-in-law, and three grandchildren. It sparkles on my finger just as these wonderful people add brilliance to my life.

Are there words in the English language to adequately describe what it is to be a mother and a grandmother? I wonder. My ring, however, speaks volumes.

Susan

Charging Ahead

prevail : to be greater in strength or influence; triumph
(From the Free Online Dictionary)

My best friend and I go way back. I was 18 and she was 19 when we first met. We still sometimes act like teenagers and refer to each other as "BFF." She has seen me at my best, at my worst and everywhere in between. She is honest with me; she tells me what I need to hear about myself, even when it's not pleasant. Early in the friendship I might have bitten my tongue or minced words, but after 33 years, I now just tell it like it is.

Recently I passed a personal milestone. On that day, I received a short email from her. She wrote, "Why does my BFF prevail? Because she learns from the actions of others, evaluates, regroups and charges ahead smarter than those who didn't have the experience."

Isn't that a great word: prevail? And didn't she very neatly summarize how anyone can do it?

Susan

Switching Gears

Can you imagine life without chocolate chip cookies? (Shudder.) One of my favorite inventors is Ruth Wakefield. A young woman in her 20's, Ruth and her husband were the proprietors of the Toll House Inn. She was going to make one of her recipes, a chocolate cookie, when she discovered she was out of what was referred to then as baker's chocolate (unsweetened chocolate.) So she made some pretty basic cookie dough and broke up some semi-sweet chocolate that she had on hand and stirred the pieces in the dough. They didn't disperse as they baked; they melted but kept their shape. But even when the cookie cooled, the chocolate pieces remained soft. Ruth had just given the world the Toll House cookie.

When she saw that she was out of a key ingredient, she could have decided no chocolate cookies today. But Mrs. Wakefield thought outside the box, and when Plan A wasn't going to work, she switched to Plan B. She was famous for her desserts, so I imagine the original cookie was pretty delicious. But in my humble opinion, the best cookie hands down is the chocolate chip. So I am very glad Plan A didn't pan out.

The next time my original plan doesn't work, I am not going to close the kitchen in frustration and defeat. I will remember the late, great Ruth Graves Wakefield and come up with a Plan B.

Susan

Change

"Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature's inexorable imperative." H. G. Wells

I love to text message on my phone and actually prefer it to a phone conversation for quick communication. I have heard people my age (and younger) talk about how impersonal it is, how awkward it is to use the thumbs, how weird the abbreviations like IDK and LOL are. One man said isn't "OK" short enough; do you have to shorten it to "K"? Sometimes we middle aged people can seem like old fuddy duddies.

In life, there is one constant. Change. Time stands still for no one. I personally don't want to be left behind. People change, and not always for the better. Things don't always go to plan, and we have to adapt and adjust if we are going to survive. Sometimes life just throws us a curve ball and we think, wow, how did I ever get here? A job lay off, a sudden illness, the end of a relationship, things we never saw coming. That's the time you have to use your creativity and find a way to go with the flow, and make those changes work for you.

You will need a sense of adventure, because sometimes those changes turn out to be a lot of fun, if you only give it a chance. Who would have thought back when I used to talk on a black rotary dial phone (on a party line, nonetheless) that one day I would be texting on a phone small enough to fit in my pocket. OMG!

Susan

Rain or Shine

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The famous Serenity Prayer speaks of the wisdom to know the difference between the things we can change and the things we can't. Rain is one of those things we can't change. We can't stop the rain.

Into each life some rain will fall. Dreary, gray, depressing times when we feel sad and blue. (Anyone suffering from depression should see a doctor, but that is not what I am talking about here.) Rather than fight it, why not just let it rain?

I used to fight my sad and bad emotions, the rain in my life. That took a lot of energy, and it was a losing battle. I have learned that if I feel blue or sad, to just go with that feeling, allow it to happen, and it soon passes. The rain stops and the sun comes out again. Sometimes there is even a rainbow.

Susan

You Have the Right to Remain Silent

"Oh the comfort, the inexplicable comfort, of feeling safe with a person, having to neither weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with kindness blow the rest away." Dinah Craik

They are known as the "Miranda rights." If you are arrested, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say could be used against you. I have had a few interactions in my lifetime with people where it would have been wise for me to remain silent. There I was, just innocently talking, and later on in anger, the person would take my own words and slap me in the face with them. Often out of context. Ouch.

Do you have someone you can talk to, where you feel completely safe? If you have one other person in the world like that, you are truly blessed. To be able to let your guard down, knowing they would never use your own words to hurt you in any way, knowing that whatever you say is safe with them.

Susan

Nothing Personal

A classic break up line is, "It's not you. It's me." It lets the other person off the hook. It's a cliche, but it is often true. Not just in romantic relationships, but life in general.

Not long ago I was speaking with a woman who works in customer service. Part of her job is to offer the customer additional products. She said she hates that and is embarrassed to try to sell the customer something. She said, "They might get mad." When the customer tells her no, she takes that as a personal rejection. She is a sweet person, but she needs to either make a career change or develop a thicker skin.

It's the same with relationships with acquaintances, family and friends. Ninety percent of the time when we feel hurt, offended, insulted or rejected by other people it has absolutely nothing to do with us. It is about them, what happened to them or what they are going through at the moment, and it has nothing to do with us. We didn't do anything or say anything wrong to provoke them; we just happened to be around them that day. They didn't wake up that morning thinking of some way they could be mean to us. It was nothing personal. Having a sensitive nature can be great it if causes you to treat others well; it can be a curse if it makes you take things personally. (That's not to discount the small group of people who actually are intentionally cruel. Those toxic people need to be avoided, or any contact you have with them needs to be minimized.)

Growing thicker skin does not mean you have to become a cold, calloused person. I think those who have a healthy self-esteem, who believe they are good people, tend to give others the benefit of the doubt as well. If you would not intentionally be hurtful to someone else, why not assume that most other people are that way, too?

It's not all about you.

Susan

To Do and To Be

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy; if the world were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I wake up each morning torn between a desire to save the world and a desire to savor the world. This makes it very hard to plan the day." E. B. White

We all should be doing something to make this world a better place. Each one of us contributing, however small it may seem at the time, can add up to something better for all of us. It is our responsibility and our right as citizens of this planet.

There is a delicate balance between doing and being. We can get so busy doing what we are doing, that we don't take time to stop and smell the roses. To simply savor and enjoy life.

What is the purpose of life, anyway? To live it.

Susan

No Problem

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." Winston Churchill

I am a problem solver. Start telling me about your difficulty and I begin to mentally roll up my sleeves to help you fix it. Maybe it's how I'm wired, but I know I can be very frustrating for other people who simply want to talk to me, to vent, and are not asking for my help. I have inappropriately overstepped boundaries in my zeal to fix things. I have judgmentally labeled people as whiners. I am not proud of this.

But my heart is in the right place, because I truly believe that there is opportunity in every problem. An opportunity to think outside the box and find an innovative solution. A chance to find your higher self as you are challenged like you never have been before. An opportunity for me to become a more empathetic listener. Yes. Even that.

Susan

Home Sweet Home

"I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself." Maya Angelou

When you think of home, what images are conjured up? Your childhood home, the place where you grew up? Perhaps a job transfer took you to somewhere entirely different, and that's where you finally felt at home. I have a friend who is encouraging his elderly mother to sell the house she's owned for over forty years and move into something smaller and more manageable. This dear lady understands the logic of such a move; it makes all kinds of sense. But she feels very sentimental about her home. For her, home is synonymous with this particular house.

So many people in our country have recently lost their homes in all the foreclosures, or at the very least have sold their homes in a short sale. I have known several people in my area of California whose homes burned down in our two recent fires. Some folks hit hard times and end up homeless, with no place to call their own.

It is possible to be at home wherever you find yourself, if you believe that home is within you. Being centered, at peace, entirely comfortable with who you are. Knowing that you are loved, reaching out to love others. No matter your surroundings, no matter where you go, it is sweet to be home.

Susan

Peace Out (Girl Scout)

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Like Dorothy of the ruby slippers, we run around trying to find our heart's desire, only to discover it had been there all along, right in our own backyard. I can't think of anything more precious than having peace of mind. People look for it in various places, in religion, in the self-help section of the book store. It can't be found there. It exists inside of us, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to enjoy it.

How can you tap into that peace you crave? Some folks suffer from anxiety, and that requires the advice of a therapist or doctor. There is help out there for that condition, and I applaud those folks who are brave enough to get that help.

I think you need to be at peace with yourself. That means accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all. Forgiving others, seeking forgiveness from them, and forgiving yourself. Understanding what is under your control, and what is beyond your power to change. Knowing that whatever life brings, you have what it takes to handle it. Living in the present without regret for the past or worry for the future. Ending (or at least managing) relationships with toxic people. All easier said than done, I know. But peace of mind is worth it. It is worth it to learn to change your thinking and change your attitudes so you can finally have peace.

To paraphrase the song, all I am saying is, give peace a chance.

Susan

Behind the Scenes

I became an instant grandmother when my son married a lovely woman with two daughters. Other women have to wait around for grandkids, drop not-so-subtle hints, some even resort to nagging, for grandchildren. My two beautiful granddaughters came as a wonderful package deal with their mom. I felt as if my fairy grandmother had waved her magic wand. Poof! I was a grandma!

There was a difficult period of time during my mid-40's when I had to fight to keep my head above water, emotionally speaking. But something wonderful was happening behind the scenes. My two future granddaughters were both born during those two years. I thought they were the worst couple of years of my life, but what I didn't know was that two of my greatest blessings came into the world during that time. I didn't know their mom, didn't know them, had no idea the three of them even existed. They were just waiting to enter my life and bring with them joy and light.

It was all happening behind the scenes. Life can be so tough sometimes. How encouraging it can be to think that something wonderful is happening somewhere else, and sooner or later that goodness will catch up with you. It makes you want to hang in there.

Susan

The Letter

I was lucky to have a father who made me feel special, who made me feel loved. He talked to me, and listened to what I had to say. I didn't have him for long; he died a week before my eighteenth birthday. I guess it wasn't quantity of years, but quality, that we enjoyed. I have some friends whose dads are still alive; these men are in their 70's, 80's, 90's and I must say I sometimes feel a pang of envy. But I have known many people whose fathers were absent, or emotionally unavailable, and in some cases, abusive. I had one of the good ones, and for that I will always be grateful.

The last Fathers Day my dad was alive, I wrote a long letter of appreciation and gave it to him with a card. I had no way of knowing that within a few weeks, he would pass away suddenly and without warning. No time for goodbyes. I was glad I let him know how I felt.

I envision people sitting with pen and paper, or at a keyboard, composing a letter to a loved one. This place that we create will give people the freedom to express their thoughts and the encouragement to not leave things unsaid.

Susan

The Dinner Hour

I have a friend who can articulate her opinion on a number of different topics very well. Even those who disagree with her have to admit that she has given a great deal of thought to her position. She is gracious about it, and she is calm when someone else disagrees with her. If you aren't confident in your position, believe me, you do not want to debate this woman!

She was one of six children, and her mother and father encouraged talking about current events at the dinner table. They would turn on the evening news, and as they ate dinner, they would discuss the news of the day. They were permitted to disagree, and everyone's opinion was encouraged and respected. In fact, even the youngest child was expected to have an opinion.

As a result, my friend grew up believing that it is a great thing to have her own opinions and normal to express them in a respectful way. What an amazing gift her parents gave her. They have long since passed away, but they live on in this intelligent, well spoken woman. She is one of the best conversationalists I have ever met, and she learned it at her family's dinner table.

We three California women will create a place where it is safe to express an opinion.

Susan

We Become What We Behold

"I wouldn't have seen it if I hadn't believed it." Marshall McLuhan

I was thinking about three different people (two women and a man) that I have known at different times in my life, and the one thing they had in common. They feared their spouses would cheat on them. In each one of these cases, their fears were totally unfounded, so much as to be almost irrational. Nothing their spouses did or said changed how they felt. No amount of reassurance, no past track record of fidelity and integrity, made a bit of difference. And in all three cases, their spouses did eventually cheat on them. A self-fulfilling prophesy. It was their worst fear; yes. But they believed it so firmly and were so invested in it, it is my opinion that in some way they made it happen.

Our minds are very powerful. What we imagine, fear, dream, believe at our very core...that is what we bring to pass in our lives. It's not some sort of magical thinking, but it puts us in the driver's seat in a real way. If we are ever to have the life we want, we must believe that it is ours.

Susan

Hot Water

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt (With apologies to Mrs. Roosevelt, this obviously applies to men as well.)

I received a fun email from a friend. It was one of those "getting to know you" things...your favorite movie, your favorite ice cream flavor, etc. One of the questions was, "Are you a strong person?" I answered, "I am stronger than I ever knew."

While some would say that adversity builds character, I think it simply reveals who we really are. I happen to believe that everything we ever need in life is already inside of us, and it's up to us to tap into it. And that includes inner strength.

I have been thinking about the strong people, men and women, I have known throughout my life. While their personalities have been diverse, there is a common thread. An innate kindness and gentleness. A strong person doesn't need to bluster and bully others to prop themselves up. A calmness at the core; their feathers are not easily ruffled. An ability to control their emotions. Some of them have been very expressive people (one of them is a natural redhead), but they have discipline. You won't find them throwing temper tantrums. An ability to listen, without jumping in and seizing control. A strong person can take over when it's needed, but the real beauty of their strength is that they help you find yours.

Susan