Saturday, May 29, 2010

Soul Sister

"God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions. Once we begin to ask them, there's no turning back." Gloria Steinem

While I will admit we still have a way to go to see true equality, women have made amazing strides in the past century. When my grandmothers were born, women were not allowed to vote in our country. My granddaughters are growing up rightfully assuming that they can do anything a boy can do. What a debt of gratitude we owe to past generations of women who paved the way, that what used to be viewed as a privilege is now simply a right that is taken for granted. That's as it should be.

You would think this progress would solidify women; that there would be a true sisterhood. Supporting one another; all for one and one for all. Not so. We grandmothers and mothers must ask ourselves why are our young girls developing eating disorders? Why has size zero become the epitome of beauty; in fact, why does size zero even exist? Why do we flock to cosmetic surgeons to tuck this and pump up that? Why are we so unhappy with who we are? Why are the stay-at-home moms and the mothers who work outside the home at war, questioning and judging one another's choices?

Hey, soul sister! Are you out there?

Susan

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

You Are Not Alone

I am usually pretty good at keeping secrets, but for one memorable exception. A friend was getting married and some of us were planning a surprise bridal shower for her. She showed me something she had just purchased, and I said, "Oh, I almost got you that for your sh-" Uh oh!

I recently had the experience of sharing something rather personal with a friend, only to discover later she had told someone else. There was no malicious intent on her part, and to be fair, I didn't swear her to secrecy. We didn't mingle our spit or do a pinky swear or anything like that. And she tends to overshare her own personal information, so I think she was just behaving normally for her. But I will be a little more careful about what I tell her in the future.

Secrets. It's good to keep a surprise party a secret, and it's good not to blab stuff about others. But keeping some secrets is a bad idea. Secrets are powerful. They thrive in the dark, growing and gaining more and more power over you. Some victims of abuse keep it a secret and never tell a soul. There is the shame associated with it, the idea that maybe you deserve what you are getting, that other people will think you are stupid or weak, or simply that you will not be believed. When you talk about the abuse, you discover that you are not alone. That you (unfortunately) belong to a big club of people who have suffered like you have, and even people who have never experienced it are pretty sympathetic and non-judgmental. Telling that secret, putting it out there in the open, diminishes some of the power it has over you.

I have found that we humans are more alike than we are different. It is sad to think that we isolate ourselves, keeping our sad secrets, when sharing them can be so freeing.

Susan

Monday, May 24, 2010

Finding the Words

"The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read." Abraham Lincoln

I have always loved books and I love to read. One of my favorite places when I was a child was our small town's library. The adult part of the library was on the main floor, and I climbed the stairs to the children's area on the second floor. I recall the library being a newly constructed facility, and it seemed very modern at the time. It was even air conditioned! It smelled new...fresh paint, that new carpet smell, mingled with the distinctive aroma of books. The books were filled with words, and I understood at a young age that words were very powerful things. I also read dictionaries, to discover new words and their meanings. I still love it when someone uses a word that is unfamiliar to me. It is a wonderful new discovery.

Recently I was trying to articulate the thoughts and emotions about something I was experiencing, and it was one of those times where words seemed to fail me. A few days later at a second hand store, I picked up a fiction paperback for 25 cents. I was simply looking for something to read. I had not heard of the author or the book before. I was on my way to work, didn't have a lot of time and it was hard to beat the price. So I bought the book.

Later that day, I sat down to read it. It was published originally in 1993. The book was written in the first person, and was about a woman in the 1930's who had returned to her home in England. Her circumstances were far removed from my own, but in the first chapter as she described her emotions and feelings, it was as though she was describing what I have been experiencing. I read and re-read and re-read the passage, and almost shouted out loud, "That is exactly how I feel!"

So I did find the words I was looking for. They had been written seventeen years earlier by another woman named Susan, and had somehow ended up in a thrift store. Waiting for me. The words had been waiting for me.

Susan

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Boundaries

We have alarms on our cars and deadbolts on our front doors. We invest in burglar alarms. We insure our stuff. We take care of our material possessions, and it is right and good that we do so. Our stuff is valuable to us.

But do we guard our hearts? I was talking with a man who has a rather toxic older brother. Efforts to work out their relationship have proved to be futile, and it seemed his brother was either unable or unwilling to change. The man asked me what I thought, and I said maybe he should limit his exposure. Not cut his brother out of his life completely, but limit phone calls and visits to where they are more manageable and to where he is not continually hurt. Talk to him or see him less often, and then be ready to end a phone call or a visit when things start to deteriorate. Some people should only be taken in small doses, and his brother seemed to fall into that category.

We set the boundaries, and we enforce them. Taking good care of your heart is a very smart way to live.

Susan

A Job Well Done

I told a new co-worker one of our customers said he had done a great job. He seemed stunned and said, "Were they being sarcastic?" I assured him that the praise was sincere and I thought I should pass it along. Now this man is new to our company so I really don't know him well yet. I couldn't tell you why he was so surprised at the kudos.

Some folks are just uncomfortable being complimented or praised. I have a friend who has taught his children that when they are complimented, the best response is "thank you." Now I know that there can be a hidden agenda, that sometimes sweet talk can be to butter you up, to flatter you, maybe to get something out of you. But wouldn't that be the exception rather than the rule?

Are you generous with praise and positive feedback? Most companies get their share of complaints from customers, but I wonder how often they hear something good. Your recognition of someone's efforts could make that person's day.

Susan

Friday, May 21, 2010

A Failure to Communicate

I haven't posted anything for a while because I haven't had anything to say. That started me thinking about communication. Why we talk. Why we don't. Why we speak of trivial things, when the proverbial elephant is pretty much taking up the whole room. I think all of us have known at least one person who chatters non-stop but never actually says anything.

Poor communication can kill a marriage or a romantic relationship. You are supposedly so close to this person, you love each other so much, yet you can't simply say what's on your mind? Something is seriously wrong there. Good communication is essential to all our relationships...family, friends, business associates. The things we don't say cause the other person to have to guess and imagine and that can lead to all kinds of wrong conclusions being drawn.

What are the words we are leaving unsaid?

Susan

Monday, May 10, 2010

We Have Nothing To Fear, But...

"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" Robert H. Schuller

I have enjoyed some wonderful successes in my life, and some failures. Two of my most notable failures were fairly big ones. I was a little mixed up for a while and felt that because I had failed, I was a failure. There is a difference, and a significant one. It's the difference between what you do and who you are. Some time and some perspective helped me reach the conclusion that although I certainly have failed, I am not a failure. Logic tells us that we will not succeed at everything we do, but failure can be painful. And the fear of failure can be crippling.

What is it you have never attempted because you think (or maybe you are fairly sure) you will fail? Take that fear out of the equation and it seems to me the sky would be the limit.

Susan

Sing As If No One Is Listening

I love to sing! When I was in fourth grade, we put on a musical. When I say "we" I mean "them" and not "me." The music teacher chose the best singers for the main roles; the others were in the chorus, except a handful of kids who were completely excluded: some badly behaved boys the teacher didn't want to deal with and me, the lone girl. I was so hurt and asked the music teacher could I not even be in the chorus and she said no. She told me, "You can't carry a tune." I cried buckets of tears over that.

She was the music teacher and I believed her that I could not carry a tune. I told myself for years that I was not a good singer. Now here's the good thing. That didn't stop me from singing. I sing in the shower and out of it. I sing in the car. Just the other day in the supermarket, Diana Ross and I implored some guy to stop in the name of love. I also have learned that she was not correct in her assessment. I am a good singer.

Your life is a big musical production, and you have the starring role. Go ahead. Belt it out!

Susan

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The High Road

"I let no man drag me down so low as to make me hate him." Booker T. Washington

I know what it is to hate. My late mother abused me when I was a child, and for a period of time, I hated her. And she deserved it. My hatred was a normal, natural emotion, a perfectly logical result of her cruelty. It's a long story, and it was a long, complicated journey, but I was able to let go and forgive her. She never acknowledged anything she had done, she never said she was sorry, she never asked for forgiveness. Forgiving her was something I did for myself. Hatred was eating me up inside, and really hadn't she done enough damage already?

When I was an adult, the abuse was over, so I sought a relationship with my mother. It was a guarded, somewhat uneasy one, but a relationship nonetheless. When she died, I had not one regret, for I had shown her kindness and consideration. And I never, with a vengeful attitude, gave her back even a fraction of the pain she gave to me. I am not that person.

I have been extraordinarily blessed with loving family members who nurtured me when I was growing up. I have no idea how I would have turned out without them. I have the most wonderful group of supportive friends. I went on to become a mother myself, and now I have grandchildren. I survived and now I thrive.

The high road. It's the only way to go.

Susan

Playing the Victim

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." Marcus Aurelius

I am all for making things happen. Instead of sitting around and whining, let's grab life by the lapels and change what we can. Trouble is, from time to time we all find ourselves in circumstances beyond our control. Life hands us something nasty that try as we might, we simply can't change. We must -- for the time being anyway -- live with it. One of the worst feelings is the resulting helplessness. The frustration can make you seethe with anger, or you feel victimized and simply give up, growing more depressed and despondent with each passing day. No matter the circumstance, no matter how impotent you may feel, you still have an amazing amount of power. Power to change your attitude, and to determine just how much you are going to allow this thing to impact your life. It's up to you. Why not take back your power?

Susan

Monday, May 3, 2010

Take Care

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have noticed that some of the most conscientious parents neglect themselves. Their children get the best nutrition, a nurturing and educational environment, the latest car safety seat. The parents are sleep deprived, exist on junk food, and get no exercise. What is wrong with this picture? These moms and dads might say that they are so busy with the kids they really don't have time for themselves. Point taken. Being a great parent is a time consuming, demanding job and it requires sacrifice.

We only get one life, one body, and we are every bit as deserving of the same excellent care we give our loved ones. Neglect your health and you won't be able to care for those people who depend on you. We must make the most of ourselves, and that includes our physical, mental and emotional health. So please take your vitamins, have a piece of fruit and get to bed at a decent hour tonight. For your loved ones, but also for yourself. You deserve it.

Susan

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Worth Fighting For

Parenting is a very rewarding, yet demanding job. Parents with special needs children face unique challenges. I have a huge amount of respect for these moms and dads who go to bat for their kids on a daily basis, making sure their children are afforded the rights and opportunities that many take for granted. What a powerful message that sends to their kids. Seeing your mom or dad advocate for you reinforces the fact that you are a very special person, worth fighting for.

Facing an illness can be frightening. It means so much if you have someone to go with you to a doctor's appointment or sit beside your hospital bed. The moral support is wonderful, but that person can also be an important advocate, taking notes and asking questions. When you are not at your best or strongest, having someone beside you to sort of fill in the blanks makes a big difference.

This notion of a hero in your soul reinforces the fact that each one of us is an important person, one worth fighting for, one worth championing. Are you your own best advocate?

Susan

Give it a Try

Life is made up largely of relationships and experiences. This place that we create will offer new experiences for many people. Some could try their hand at pottery, while others might participate in a yoga class for the first time.

You don't have to be terminally ill to have a "bucket list." There is so much in life to experience that we scarcely have time to fit it all in. Start thinking about it and there are likely many things you have never done. New experiences keep life interesting and exciting.

I love sushi! I never tasted it till I was well past my fortieth birthday. I actually did not know of the existence of sushi for many years, then when I found out about it I was a little apprehensive about the whole raw fish thing. But I tried it and I loved it! Think of what I had been missing all that time. Even if I would have hated it, I could have just spit it into my napkin. No harm, no foul. At least I tried it. Why experience sushi? Because it's there.

What could you experience today for the very first time? And what's stopping you from doing it?

Susan