Glue and Rocks

A family member nicknamed her "Elmer," which is kind of a funny endearment. It was meant as a compliment, for she is the glue that holds their family together. She remembers everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. She loves having Christmas dinner for the extended family at her home. She is the one who picks up the lonely, elderly aunt and takes her out for an afternoon of lunch and shopping.

If she is the glue, another friend of mine is the rock. A solid, common sense kind of guy, he is the one that gets called in the middle of the night when there is a crisis. He is the one folks go to when they need advice on buying a car or getting a kid into college. He is the one with the pickup truck who will devote a whole weekend to helping someone move.

Those folks who are the glue or the rocks usually love what they do and are happy that their strengths play to the needs of the people they love most. But I have a concern here. What happens when the glue begins to come apart a little? What happens when the rock gets a little crumbly? Those around them often don't come to their aid, don't even notice that there IS a problem, because they are so conditioned to seeing these folks in their roles. The woman who is called Elmer, for example, threw her own 40th birthday party, which was very ironic. She has always been the one to give the parties, so it never even occurred to anyone she might like to have a party in her honor.

It takes some thinking outside the box to realize that those pivotal people in our lives, the ones who hold things together, the ones who are solid, the ones who are always giving, might need something from us. They seem so self-sufficient and together.

This has gotten me thinking today. Who are the people I count on most in life, and can they count on me?

Susan

Love Your Body, Love Yourself

"You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees, a hundred miles in the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves." Mary Oliver

As a dietician, she helps her patients formulate wellness plans incorporating good nutrition. Over the past several years, she has seen a growing number of healthy, fit men who look in the mirror and hate what they see. Once thought to be almost the exclusive domain of women, more and more boys and men are developing eating disorders and suffering from poor body images.

Karen Carpenter's anorexia nervosa claimed her life when she was only 32. This video of a young and beautiful Karen celebrating life at Disneyland made me realize how much I miss her. The songs that she and her brother Richard sang were sort of a soundtrack of my life when I was a teenager. Many of their songs were soulful; some of them melancholy. Karen should still be with us. She would only be 60, you know. Young enough to still be singing. Young enough to still be hopping on the Dumbo ride. Young enough to still be celebrating life.

We understand more about this complicated disease and its close neighbor bulimia, than we did when Karen died in 1983, yet we still have young women growing up, and now young men, hating their bodies, hating themselves. We as parents and grandparents can and should do something, to help these young people see that everything about them is wondrous. Before it's too late.

Susan

"Please, Mr. Postman" by Georgia Dobbins, William Garrett, Freddie Gorman, Brian Holland and Robert Bateman

It's All About the Egg Shells

Wall-to-wall carpeting in homes was very chic when I was growing up in the 60's and 70's. A few years ago, a friend purchased an older home with carpeting, and when she had it pulled up found that the most gorgeous hardwood floors were underneath. She soon restored them and had them gleaming. "Why would anyone want to put carpet over those floors?" she asked in genuine disbelief.

In some homes, the decor is all about the egg shells. One family member generally comes up with the bright idea to use egg shells as flooring, but sometimes enlists the aid of another member to help put them down. The floor is covered end to end with egg shells. Everyone must be very, very careful as they tiptoe on the egg shells. Creativity is discouraged. Intimacy is stifled. Love is most certainly conditional. Feelings and emotions are not expressed, unless it's the feelings and emotions of the one responsible for the egg shells. The really difficult thing about living this way is that no matter how careful we are, sooner or later we are going to crack some shells. Then all hell breaks loose. After a while, things may calm down, and we remind ourselves to be very, very, very careful. Until the next time it happens.

Why not get rid of all those egg shells and discover the gorgeous life waiting for us underneath?

Susan

On Your Way

It didn't take long after I had gotten a new smart phone to disable the "auto correct" feature. I found it more annoying than helpful, having the phone guess at what I wanted to type. There is a funny website devoted to some text messages gone horribly wrong called "Damn You, Auto Correct!"

Meaning to text "are you on your way?" my thumb hit the wrong key and it came out "are you in your way?" This got me thinking about the times in my life I have gotten in my own way.

A great idea would hit me, and I'd talk myself out of it because it just would never work. An opportunity would come my way, and I wouldn't take it because, well that just wasn't me. I'd do a good job at something, but instead of seeing that, I'd look at all the things I had done wrong. Truly in my past I have been my own worst enemy, and it has taken a conscious, concerted effort to learn not to do that. Still learning here.

What about you? Are you on your way? Are you in your way?

Susan

Uniquely Unique

"The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself." Lao Tzu

One definitely had a crazy sense of humor and fun. The other was definitely more determined. They were Joan and Jane, identical twins I hung out with in high school. At first, they were difficult to tell apart. But after a while, as we got to know them as individuals, it was obvious they were unique, and it became easy to tell them apart every time. Their differences were not simply responses to environment, either. Recent research published in The American Journal of Human Genetics reverses the old idea that identical twins have 100% identical DNA. They do not.

There is no one just like you. Never has been. Never will be. No one can do what you do, just the way you do it. Oh, I suppose if you died tomorrow, someone would take your position at work. Someone might move into your house. Your spouse might eventually remarry. Life would go on, but it would never be the same without you here. You are uniquely unique, a one-of-a-kind person here in this place and time. You touch the world in your own special way, just by being who you are.

Susan

Let It Out

"It was like I was laying hold of some part of me that I didn't even know was there until I let it out." Etta James

It used to be that I did not write until I had at least some idea of what I would write about. Once I began to discipline myself to write on a regular basis, I turned that all upside down. For many months, I have been writing even when it seems I have nothing to write about. The grandest surprises have come out of this, for I have found there are parts of me that I knew nothing about, that come spilling out as I write.

What about you? What is inside of you? Aren't you excited to know the parts of you that you haven't yet discovered? How can you tap into it? Maybe not with a keyboard or pen like I do, but maybe with your voice, just like Etta James. Or a paint brush, or a kitchen spoon, or a gardening trowel. It doesn't matter how you do it, but what are you waiting for? Why not start to let it out, at last?

Susan

Etta James died today at the age of 73. Lyrics to "At Last" by Mack Gordon and Harry Warren.

Here I Stand

He was a heretic, a disgruntled Roman Catholic priest who took issue with many things about the church. One of his biggest beefs was that the church was so rich, while so many of those sitting in the pew lived in abject poverty. The church had the audacity to sell indulgences, to require folks to pay up before they could have their sins forgiven. He tried to change things from the inside out, but that rarely works, and didn't for him. He put together 95 theses, a long laundry list of everything he thought was wrong with the church and how it could be changed, and nailed them in dramatic fashion to the door of the church in Whittenberg. He became a fugitive, with a price on his head. People were forbidden to take him in or feed him, and anyone who killed him would be granted legal immunity. He said, "Here I stand. I could do no other." It was as if he really didn't have a choice, as if who he was demanded that he take a stand, and a very costly one at that.

He wasn't the only one who was unhappy with the status quo. There was a group of runaway nuns who fled the convent around the same time, and wouldn't you know it but soon Martin Luther and Katharina von Bora met, fell in love and were married. They started the first Protestant church and set an amazing precedent: clergymen that were allowed to marry. In his writings, Luther refers to his wife as his "beloved Katie," saying that he would rather live in poverty with her than have all the riches in the world. The Luthers had six biological children and raised four other children who had been orphaned.

Martin Luther was far from a perfect person, but I will give him this. He knew who he was, and he wasn't afraid to take a stand for what he believed in, or for what he didn't believe. There was really nothing else he could do.

Susan

Humble and Lovable

"Humility is intelligent self-respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves." Ralph W. Sockman

When not saving the world as Underdog, he lives a simple life as Shoe Shine Boy. His customer pays him and says, "Thank you, Shoe Shine Boy. You're humble and lovable." Shoe Shine Boy replies, "Bless you, Sir." That man with the freshly shined shoes has no idea he just had his shoes shined by Underdog!

Every religion or life philosophy I can think of has humility as a gateway to enlightenment. Those who refuse to walk the path of humility will never be truly great. Every successful person I have known personally has been humble. They know who they are. They have self-respect, with no need to boast or brag, but no compulsion to put themselves down either. Sometimes we confuse humility with humiliation.

The things we as a society value and devalue say a lot about us. Now there are those of us who would not lower ourselves to shine shoes, wash dishes or collect garbage for a living. Too humiliating and certainly beneath us. There is nothing inherently humiliating about those kinds of jobs. It's just simple, honest work for a wage. It might also be an important stop on the way to enlightenment, but in our false pride, we refuse it, and to our own detriment. Humiliation is when we hand over our dignity and self-respect. It is entirely possible to shine shoes and have our dignity and self-respect completely intact.

Isn't that what some people do in exchange for the almighty dollar or social standing? If we have a prestigious career, live in an exclusive neighborhood and drive the latest car, but sell our souls by lying, cheating and stepping on anyone who gets in our path, now that sounds like real humiliation to me.

Susan

The voice of Underdog and Shoe Shine Boy done by Wally Cox.

Having a Voice

"A riot is the language of the unheard." Martin Luther King, Jr.

He was trying desperately to get her attention. He started out calm and reasonable. "Mommy." Then it became, "Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy!" She was busy perusing the shopping aisle. The more he was ignored, the louder he became. "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!" I silently willed her to answer the poor kid. He became more agitated, and then melted down as only a frustrated three-year-old can do. That got her attention, but not in a good way. She met his frustration with her own frustration, and soon they were out the door of the store, her pushing the shopping cart fast and furious. Maybe if she would have just answered him the first time...

I know it takes a lot of patience to deal with small children, with their chatter and their questions, especially if we are the primary caregivers, as this mother might have been. Maybe she had to tune him out just to maintain her own sanity, but didn't that little guy deserve to be heard? I'm not advocating teaching kids that they are the center of the universe, but should they have to raise a riot to be heard?

But enough about other people. I have to wonder about my own day to day and the people who talk to me. Do I tune them out, perhaps not as blatantly as that mom did with her son, but could it be that a dismissive attitude is sometimes underneath my polite smile and adequate eye contact? Each one of us should feel we have a voice, that we are valued and respected enough as human beings to be heard. To be denied that brings about anger and frustration, as that little boy so vividly illustrated. I hope I am not so busy with my own life and my own stuff that I would deny the people around me their right to be heard.

Susan

The Happiest Place on Earth

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." Steve Jobs

When Disney World in Florida opened for the first time, I was thirteen. I wanted to go there so badly, and I decided that one day I would. Fast forward forty years, and tomorrow that dream comes true. To say that I am excited doesn't even begin to cover it. My best and oldest friend in the world is meeting me there, and she is bringing her two tiaras, one for me and one for her. She says that every woman needs at least two good quality tiaras. Now you understand why she's my BFF.

This year I will turn 54, the same age my father was when he died quite suddenly. I was a teenager at the time, so my view of my father was that of a young girl. He died while he was still my hero, before I could see him and know him from the perspective of an adult viewing her parent. I do know that his relationships with my much older siblings were quite different than what I had with him years later, and not at all in a good way. He was not a happy person, and he could be cruel, although not to me. My older sister described him one time as "an exhausted person, just trying to survive." It's safe to say that he did not create the kind of life he could have had.

I won't be blogging while I'm on holiday, but I hope you have a great week. Spend some time doing what makes you happy. Put a smile on someone's face. Make some plans to look forward to. Polish your tiara. I'll tell Mickey you said hello.

Susan

Meet the Bickersons

You may have known a couple just like them. They are usually married, and for a long time. They are the perfect illustration of that old saying that familiarity breeds contempt. A verbal jab here, a sarcastic comment there. Heavy sighs and rolling eyes. They pick at each other like a couple of spoiled kids. I'm sure you've heard of them. They are the Bickersons.

Now maybe underneath all that nastiness, they adore each other. But they have a really weird way of showing it. Isn't it interesting how we can be so courteous, kind and respectful to strangers, but treat the ones we are closest to the worst? I think simple respect is lacking in a lot of relationships with spouses and significant others.

There is a popular book out that I have not read, but a few people I know have told me about it. The premise is that the primary need of a woman is to be loved, and the primary need of a man is to be respected. I know what it is like to be loved and not respected. That subtle and then not so subtle contempt that creeps into a relationship that lacks one of the basic foundational elements: respect. As a woman, if I had to choose between being loved and being respected, I would take respect every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Every once in a while, I think we all need to take an inventory of our relationships with the people we love the most, just to make sure we are giving our best to the ones we say we love the best.

Susan

The Seven Dollar Skirt

"Money is always on its way somewhere. What you do with it while it is in your keeping and the direction you send it in say much about you. Your treatment of and respect for money, how you make it, and how you spend it, reflect your character." Gary Ryan Blair

One of my favorite movie moments of all time is when a dirty and bedraggled (but still glamorous) Scarlett O'Hara raises a turnip to the sky. She says, "As God is my witness, I will never be hungry again." The Civil War took our heroine from the penthouse to the outhouse pretty quickly, and she wasn't having it.

In order to thrive, we need to do more than just survive. Abraham Maslow tells us that if we are ever going to sit at the top of his pyramid and be fully actualized, the first step is having basic needs met. Struggling financially to pay rent and put food on the table is extremely stressful. When we are poor, it's easy to engage in magical thinking. We think money (a lack of it) is a problem, and we would be right, but it's not the real problem. We decide that once we have money, we will be happy. Everything will be fine.

Then we get money, but magically it doesn't make us happy. We still worry about money, just in a different way. How can we hold on to it, so we are never poor again? How should we invest? What if someone steals from us? How can we avoid paying a lot of taxes? Money is still a focus, it is still a problem, but in a different way.

Those who quote the Bible sometimes tell us that money is the root of all evil. In actuality, the book says that it's the love of money and not money itself that's the problem. Now most of us, whether we are poor, rich or somewhere in between, would deny that we love money. But think about it. If we are thinking about it, worrying about it, obsessing over it, expending all our energy to earn it or spend it or save it, doesn't it sound like we love it? Usually what we focus on is what we truly treasure.

I have been wanting a wool plaid skirt for a while. They are hard to come by, but they are a classic look that I just love. When I was Christmas shopping, I ran across a cute, versatile cotton skirt in a solid color. It was on clearance for $7. What a deal! The problem was, I had nothing that matched it, and nothing in the store matched it either. I found myself becoming a little obsessed about buying this skirt, just because it was $7. Finally I put it back on the rack and just let it go.

Yesterday I stopped in a second hand store, and saw a flash of plaid among the slacks. It was a wool plaid skirt. In my size. Good quality, fully lined and the plaids match up at the seams. It wasn't even with the other skirts, but it certainly seemed to be waiting for me. I tried it on and I loved it and of course, I purchased the skirt. And the best part? It was $7.

Susan

Saying It

"You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say." Martin Luther

I'm not an overly chatty person. I am certainly less talkative than the average woman. I love quiet, and the adage "Silence is golden" resonates with me. I can go for hours without talking, especially if I am involved in a hobby or project. I rarely say something that I later regret. I can keep a confidence and never spill the beans. I both understand and live the idea that I am responsible for the words that come out of my mouth.

I am also responsible for my silences. Silence itself has its own energy. While I may be holding back because I don't want to be negative or hurtful, I'm really not fooling anyone. By my facial expressions, my body language, my energy, I am still communicating, and quite loudly. I think I need to just own it, to just say it. It is sometimes kinder and more honest to do that. I should have enough confidence in my ability to communicate to know that I can say something negative in a kind, tactful way.

Every day I encounter people who could use a word of encouragement or kindness from me, and I am responsible for all of those words I leave unsaid, too.

Susan

Trust

"Someone who thinks the world is always cheating him is right. He is missing that wonderful feeling of trust in someone or something." Eric Hoffer

He is the most magnificent Golden Retriever I have ever seen. This big, beautiful boy had a very rough start in life. Humans abused his trust and hurt him, and he was rightfully afraid. Under the care of his new doggy daddy, he has gone from scared to cautious, and now he is blossoming. He holds his head high as he walks along, those beautiful feathers on his tail swishing in the breeze. He is learning that the world is a wonderful place, with lots more good stuff than bad. He is learning that people are kind, with lots more good people than bad. He is learning to trust again. He is becoming a very happy dog.

We deny ourselves a lot of happiness when we won't trust. We walk suspiciously through life, head down, shoulders hunched, muttering under our breath. Not trusting says more about us than about the object of our distrust. When we say, "I don't trust him," what we often are saying is, "I don't trust my ability to deal with it if he lets me down." As our confidence in our ability to handle the rough patches in life grows, so does our willingness to trust. When we know we can bounce back from disappointments and hurt, we become much more willing to take the risk to trust.

And it is a risk to be vulnerable and trust. It is exhiliarating, however, when we trust and our trust is rewarded. I guess it comes down to this. Do we want to blossom, like my friend the Golden Retriever? Then we need to move from scared to cautious to trusting, knowing full well that whatever happens, we will be fine.

Susan