Older and Wiser

"We come altogether fresh and raw into the several stages of life, and often find ourselves without experience, despite our years." Francois de la Rochefoucauld

For me, life is new in so many ways. I am a college freshman, barely competent at a new job, a mother-in-law for the first time, a new grandmother, and single again after 20 years. I have never been happier or felt more alive. It is tons of fun with a little bit of scary thrown in.

A man in his late 30's told me he would never again date an older woman, because he had been seeing a gal 14 years his senior and found her so irritating. She would run up against something in life and not be sure what to do about it. In some cases, she even asked his advice. He said to me, "She's older than I am. Why didn't she already know what to do?" He was serious but I found it very amusing.

Experience is helpful in some areas. But when we truly step out of our comfort zone, life is at its most exciting. All shiny and new and bright like Christmas.

Susan

You Can't Handle the Truth

"I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell." Harry Truman

Recently a friend confronted me. I hate confrontation and drama and will do almost anything to avoid it. But I've learned through painful experience that sometimes you must face it and deal with it. There are times when avoiding it only causes more problems. She verbally attacked me and I calmly and quietly gave her my point of view. I told her the truth. My words and tone were not harsh, and frankly I held quite a bit back because I wanted to communicate truthfully but not hurtfully. She concluded that I am not her friend (in fact, have never been her friend) and that I am cruel. It would have been easier to just have lied to her, telling her what she wanted to hear.

The truth does hurt sometimes. I personally am at a place where I want the truth in all areas of my life. I am leaving myself wide open there, because what I need to hear is not going to always be pleasant. I hope I have the grace to hear the truth, and the courage to heed it.

Susan

The Buck Stops Here

"The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life." Brian Tracy

A woman whose family of origin was less than stellar told me that she decided she would be the one to turn it all around, starting with herself and moving on to her own children. President Harry Truman had a sign on his desk that said, "The buck stops here." While it's easy to play the blame game or continue being a victim, it takes real integrity to be fully accountable for your life.

Some people, after the break up of a marriage, villify the spouse and act totally clueless about what they themselves might have done wrong in the relationship. A popular variation of this theme is the idea that you had the perfect marriage, and then the cheater cheated or the gambler gambled or the abuser abused. Please! Marriage is a two-way street, and even if one person is clearly in the wrong, the other party responds and reacts and is half of the problem. The success or failure of a marriage takes two people. As a divorced person myself, I must admit that the failure of my marriage was my personal failure. That is the starting point. Then you move on to discover what went wrong, what your specific responsibility was, what can be learned from it and so on.

We can never be truly happy until we grow up and become accountable for our own actions and attitudes.

Susan

Weather Forecast: Sunny

"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" Rose Kennedy

I was born and raised in a part of the United States that has some gray, dreary weather. I have lived in southern California for half of my life, but the sunshine has remained a novelty to me. Sometimes I walk outside on a beautiful sunny day and still think, "Do I really live here? Is this really my life?"

Those who have been battered by storms will carry scars, they will have painful memories that pop up at unexpected times, they will need love, compassion and perhaps the help of a therapist or doctor. It serves no useful purpose to perpetuate the suffering once the storm has passed. Those who have gone through great pain may understand better than most, the need to squeeze every drop of joy out of life, to bask in every ray of sunshine.

Susan

The Family Tree

"Do well, and you will have no need of ancestors." Voltaire

Where we come from, our genetics, our family, influences us. No doubt about that. My brother has researched our father's side of the family. The information he had was very interesting and I loved learning more about the people who came before us. It is thought that one of our ancestors sailed from England to America on the Mayflower. If I could document that properly, could I join the Daughters of the American Revolution? Would they want me? Would I want them?

I know a woman who is somewhat ashamed of her lineage, because the family name has been tarnished. While I guess a pedigree is important if you're a show dog, what really matters is how each one of us as individuals live our lives. Regardless of our backgrounds, we have all the power we will ever need to make an impact in this world. Our own personal imprint, if you will.

Susan

One Small Step

"Have a bias toward action. Let's see something happen now. You can break that big plan into small steps and take the first step right away." Indira Gandhi

My friend's garage is so stuffed with stuff that she has no room for her car. This is especially sad because she has a two-car garage and only owns one car. She hates how her garage is. She has some physical limitations so she needs some help. I am fairly strong for a girl and am good at organizing, so on a few occasions she has enlisted my help. I think I might be crazy, because isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result?

Here's how it goes. We decide to work on one small area of the garage. We will make three piles. Keep, donate and throw away. I stay focused on the one area, but she looks at the big picture, becomes totally overwhelmed and we quit. Now if she gave me carte blanche, I could have had the garage done long ago, but it's inappropriate for me to be doing stuff with her stuff.

I think a lot of people have dreams they would love to see come true, but making that happen seems so daunting that they never get started. What small step will you make today to start living the life you've imagined?

Susan

Walking the Walk

"Children need models rather than critics." Joseph Joubert

Little kids are like sponges. I know a particular woman who swears like a sailor, but now that she's a mother she has decided to watch her language. That is a hard habit to break. But how hypocritical to tell your child not to say a "bad word" when he hears it coming out of your mouth. Kids have a strong sense of what is fair and what is not, and it's hard to fool a child because they can see right through you.

Being a parent is an amazing growing experience, because if it's done correctly, your child will help you find your higher self. All of a sudden here's this little person who looks to you for everything, and what you say and what you do and how you interpret the world will influence him greatly.

It's easy to tell the child what to do or what not to do. Quite a bit more difficult to be the kind of person he can look up to. But that's what he really needs.

Susan

You Don't Know Me

I just got back from a wonderful visit with family members who live on the opposite coast. I enjoyed spending time with my brother. We had some serious conversations, but mostly we laughed. We share a gene pool, the same childhood home, and the same sense of humor. We both tend to be a tad sarcastic. Okay. More than a tad, but it's not mean spirited. It was wonderful to be with someone who "gets" me like my brother does.

He was telling me about a phrase he learned from one of those daytime television shows where people air their dirty laundry and the audience jeers. "You don't know me!" In other words, no matter how bizarre my behavior, don't judge me because you have no idea where I come from and what I'm all about.

As good as we can be at disguising ourselves, it's ironic that at our core we yearn to be known. Read the King James version of the Old Testament, and you'll find men "knowing" their wives. It translates to sex, the most intimate of all physical connections and a basic human need. To be known is the most intimate of all emotional connections, and without it we can never hope to thrive.

Susan

Hide and Seek

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves." Francois de la Rochefoucauld

A friend posted this thought-provoking quote in his Facebook status, and it fits in very well with this time of year. Halloween will soon be here, a time for masks and costumes. When I was trick or treating as a child, I was delighted when a neighbor didn't know who I was (or pretended not to know.) It meant my costume was very clever.

Some of us have become masters of disguise, hiding our true selves, thoughts, feelings and emotions. We wear the mask for so long that we don't even know who we are anymore. There is great freedom in allowing ourselves to become vulnerable enough that we simply live each day being exactly who we are, nothing more and nothing less.

Susan