"Tell me of the lady the poet stubborn with his passion sang us." William Butler Yeats
Last year they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. It truly was a celebration, because these two people love each other and like each other and it shows. Their marriage has passion. It was not always this way. When they had been married sixteen years, they seriously contemplated divorce. Their marriage had hit a major rough patch, and it seemed their differences were irreconciliable. But they both still loved each other and wanted to make it work. One of the factors, they frankly admit, was their daughter who was just in kindergarten. But they didn't stay together because of the child, pushing the anger and resentment down, gritting their teeth, enduring. They believed their marriage was worth saving. They sought counseling and did the very difficult work of changing, as individuals and as a couple. If you saw them today you'd never think that once they teetered on the verge of becoming another statistic. Their marriage, as they will both tell you, is better than ever.
You might say that they had this stubborn passion for one another. The passion burned brightly at the beginning of their relationship. Love was blind and sparks were flying. As the years went on, things started to go south and the flame was almost out. But they gave it oxygen and fanned the flames. It's easy to be passionate about a person when you're under the influence of infatuation, but remarkable to still be passionate about someone you've been with for half a century.
It's easy to be passionate about your relationships, your career, your hobbies, your life, when things are shiny new and exciting, and only human nature to become bored and lack motivation as time goes on. It happens to all of us.
What about you in your life? Do you have a stubborn streak? When you feel the fires of your life's passion start to go out, what do you do to fan those flames?
Susan
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Somebody's Going to Pay For This
"That will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34:7 (King James Version Bible)
Some of the reason we as a nation are in such a financial mess is the idea of enjoying something today and paying for it tomorrow. A few years ago, a young couple could qualify for an interest-free mortgage with no down payment and only stated income. They then moved into their McMansion and filled it with furniture and appliances all purchased on easy credit. Those still in their 20's could enjoy the lifestyle it took their parents a lifetime to attain. No need to look for a sofa on craigslist or get that crib at a garage sale or drag the dirty clothes to the laundromat. No need to deal with reality; no need to live within your means. Problem is, somewhere, sometime, somebody is going to pay for it. And pay dearly.
Is life in general like that? Don't deal with your reality, and somewhere, sometime, somebody is going to pay for it. And pay dearly. It is often some innocent person who had nothing to do with it. The person you marry. Your own children. Your grandchildren. And on and on it goes, to the third and fourth generations in families. The sins of the parents are handed down like ugly rags no one wants to wear. I'm not advocating revenge, but wouldn't it be better to confront the person who actually did you harm than make those innocents pay? Wouldn't it be better to seek healing and help for your pain, than make those innocents pay? Until you have some resolution, all your bad stuff is out there floating around, ready to make those innocents pay. It won't just go away. It won't be okay. Because somewhere, sometime, somebody is going to pay for it. And pay dearly.
Susan
Lyrics to "She's Got Issues" by Dexter Holland
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
If a Tree Falls in the Forest...
"Who hath ears to hear, let him hear." Matthew 13:9 (King James Version Bible)
Communication is an art. It involves choice of words, tone of voice, eye contact, body language, and sometimes touch. Communication is both what you say and how you say it. Some folks who call themselves brutally honest seem to enjoy the brutal part a little too much. The flip side is that many women my age and older grew up in a time where little girls were discouraged from speaking in a direct way. It wasn't considered feminine. It was also not thought very romantic to ask for what you want or need, so we have the dilemma of a man feeling as though he must read the lady's mind. Some of what appears to be passive-aggressive behavior or even deception on the part of older women can be attributed to a degree to the way we were socialized. That's not an excuse, for we can always learn healthier ways to communicate.
My friend was telling me about when she was raped by a friend of her family. She was just a little girl of six, and she told her mom about it. She said, "My mother couldn't hear it." In Matthew's gospel narrative, he implies that some people have ears but cannot or will not hear. At first glance, it would seem that the whole point of communicating is to be heard.
You know that old question, about the tree falling in the woods. Does it still make a sound if there's no one to hear it? Is truth still truth if no one believes it? Are your words worth speaking, even if no one hears them?
In the past, I have been too concerned about how my words will be received, so I would craft my message being very aware of who the listener will be. I tended to soften the truth a bit, or leave something out, if I believed the person needed to be handled carefully. How condescending of me. Sometimes I have remained silent when I had something worthwhile to say, because I believed no one wanted to hear it. The spoken word has so much power and energy, and we all need to say what we need to say. It is my primary role in communicating to speak the truth, and it is up to the listener to hear it or not, then to do with it whatever he will. What happens after I say it is really none of my business.
I don't know about the tree in the woods, but I do know this. Truth is still truth even if no one believes it. And what comes out of my mouth is a reflection of my own integrity (or lack thereof) even if no one hears it.
Susan
Communication is an art. It involves choice of words, tone of voice, eye contact, body language, and sometimes touch. Communication is both what you say and how you say it. Some folks who call themselves brutally honest seem to enjoy the brutal part a little too much. The flip side is that many women my age and older grew up in a time where little girls were discouraged from speaking in a direct way. It wasn't considered feminine. It was also not thought very romantic to ask for what you want or need, so we have the dilemma of a man feeling as though he must read the lady's mind. Some of what appears to be passive-aggressive behavior or even deception on the part of older women can be attributed to a degree to the way we were socialized. That's not an excuse, for we can always learn healthier ways to communicate.
My friend was telling me about when she was raped by a friend of her family. She was just a little girl of six, and she told her mom about it. She said, "My mother couldn't hear it." In Matthew's gospel narrative, he implies that some people have ears but cannot or will not hear. At first glance, it would seem that the whole point of communicating is to be heard.
You know that old question, about the tree falling in the woods. Does it still make a sound if there's no one to hear it? Is truth still truth if no one believes it? Are your words worth speaking, even if no one hears them?
In the past, I have been too concerned about how my words will be received, so I would craft my message being very aware of who the listener will be. I tended to soften the truth a bit, or leave something out, if I believed the person needed to be handled carefully. How condescending of me. Sometimes I have remained silent when I had something worthwhile to say, because I believed no one wanted to hear it. The spoken word has so much power and energy, and we all need to say what we need to say. It is my primary role in communicating to speak the truth, and it is up to the listener to hear it or not, then to do with it whatever he will. What happens after I say it is really none of my business.
I don't know about the tree in the woods, but I do know this. Truth is still truth even if no one believes it. And what comes out of my mouth is a reflection of my own integrity (or lack thereof) even if no one hears it.
Susan
Monday, August 8, 2011
The End Of The World
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." Alexander Graham Bell
She hates her empty nest. It is tearing her apart. Her youngest child is at a university out of state. The middle child moved out on her own in an apartment the next town over. The oldest child accepted a job that took him 1,000 miles away from the family nest. It all happened this summer, and it shook her world to its foundation. She is trying to be happy for her kids, who all have something very exciting going on, but she is feeling pretty sorry for herself. Now it is very possible that they will be coming back home again to live. It happens with young adults who find the economy too challenging. They move back in with mom and dad. Some have gleefully pointed this out to her. Others (myself included) have told her of the joys of the empty nest. But for now, anyway, she's not buying what we're selling. Hopefully she will work through this, but right now, things are definitely not fine. It's the end of the world.
If you have lived for any length of time, you, too, may have experienced the end of the world as you know it. Perhaps it was a serious illness, the death of a loved one, the loss of a home, or the end of a relationship. Some people make a lifetime vocation of sitting and looking at the closed door. They long for the good old days. They live in the past. Then there are the others who spend some time mourning the loss, then look around to see the open door. They decide to walk through it, to experience life anew. It is always a choice, how we view the end of the world and whether we walk through the open door. It's always a choice, whether or not we'll be fine.
Susan
Thursday, August 4, 2011
In the Nick of Time
"At the moment of commitment, the entire universe conspires to assist you." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
She had struggled with the pain of infertility her entire life. Her husband adored her and she adored him, and she wanted that to be enough. It wasn't. She longed to be a mother. She reached the age where she thought it was impossible to conceive, and all hope was gone. It was just then that it seemed she had become pregnant. She laughed, a kind of mirthless, bitter laugh. Was nature playing some kind of cruel, sick joke on her? Not at all. Sarah was, indeed, expecting a baby. She named her miracle baby Isaac. Her husband had other children, but this child of his old age became Abraham's favorite.
When Isaac was a young man, he and his father took the customary trip to the mountain top to offer an animal sacrifice, a blood offering. What Abraham didn't tell his son was that he was convinced God wanted him to offer up Isaac. (Now I mean no disrespect to those who revere the Bible, but this has to be one of the most horrific ideas that book contains. And frankly, I could not love a god who wanted me to kill my child as some kind of odd test of my devotion. But even I can see that there is an important principle at work here.) Isaac showed his curiosity when he said, "Dad, we have the wood for the fire, but where is the lamb?" Abraham said, "God will provide the sacrifice." Abraham tied his son and put him on top of the wood, and just as he was ready to plunge the knife in, God stopped him and told him not to do it. There was a ram caught in a nearby bush, and father and son used that for the offering. Just in the nick of time.
Some might think that the really great things in life, the realization of our dreams, requires suffering and sacrifice. That somehow we must become martyrs before we can realize joy, peace and fulfillment. That there is some painful price to be paid, a very high price, for everything good. Maybe sometimes, but surely not most of the time. I think it's not the sacrifice, but the willingness to sacrifice, that is key. It's all about commitment. Once we commit to giving it our all, to letting go, things really begin to happen. It seems as though everyone and everything comes together to help us realize that dream. The universe conspires to assist us. Sometimes just in the nick of time.
Do you hold everything and everyone dear to you tightly in your fists? Or do you know how to let go? A friend of a friend put it very well when she said, "Let go or be dragged." Sometimes we make things much harder than they need to be. We stoically, heroically prepare for a life of sacrifice and suffering, when all that is needed is our commitment to call forth all the power we need. Sometimes just in the nick of time.
Susan
She had struggled with the pain of infertility her entire life. Her husband adored her and she adored him, and she wanted that to be enough. It wasn't. She longed to be a mother. She reached the age where she thought it was impossible to conceive, and all hope was gone. It was just then that it seemed she had become pregnant. She laughed, a kind of mirthless, bitter laugh. Was nature playing some kind of cruel, sick joke on her? Not at all. Sarah was, indeed, expecting a baby. She named her miracle baby Isaac. Her husband had other children, but this child of his old age became Abraham's favorite.
When Isaac was a young man, he and his father took the customary trip to the mountain top to offer an animal sacrifice, a blood offering. What Abraham didn't tell his son was that he was convinced God wanted him to offer up Isaac. (Now I mean no disrespect to those who revere the Bible, but this has to be one of the most horrific ideas that book contains. And frankly, I could not love a god who wanted me to kill my child as some kind of odd test of my devotion. But even I can see that there is an important principle at work here.) Isaac showed his curiosity when he said, "Dad, we have the wood for the fire, but where is the lamb?" Abraham said, "God will provide the sacrifice." Abraham tied his son and put him on top of the wood, and just as he was ready to plunge the knife in, God stopped him and told him not to do it. There was a ram caught in a nearby bush, and father and son used that for the offering. Just in the nick of time.
Some might think that the really great things in life, the realization of our dreams, requires suffering and sacrifice. That somehow we must become martyrs before we can realize joy, peace and fulfillment. That there is some painful price to be paid, a very high price, for everything good. Maybe sometimes, but surely not most of the time. I think it's not the sacrifice, but the willingness to sacrifice, that is key. It's all about commitment. Once we commit to giving it our all, to letting go, things really begin to happen. It seems as though everyone and everything comes together to help us realize that dream. The universe conspires to assist us. Sometimes just in the nick of time.
Do you hold everything and everyone dear to you tightly in your fists? Or do you know how to let go? A friend of a friend put it very well when she said, "Let go or be dragged." Sometimes we make things much harder than they need to be. We stoically, heroically prepare for a life of sacrifice and suffering, when all that is needed is our commitment to call forth all the power we need. Sometimes just in the nick of time.
Susan
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