Asking For It

Our office environment was pretty toxic. The manager was an insecure woman who preyed on the weak and wounded. She gathered information about our personal lives, and sorted the weak from the strong. In her estimation, there were two camps in our office of thirty women. There were the women who were assertive in demeanor, and/or those who had husbands/partners who were gainfully employed. These were the women she believed did not "need" to work. The second group were the more mild-mannered women, and/or those who were single or whose husbands/partners were not pulling their weight. These were the women she believed "needed" to work, and would take what she dished out because they needed a job badly. Her conclusions were not even accurate, but this is how she operated. She could be quite vicious, but it was so interesting to see that she only did it when she knew she could get away with it.

In no way do I want to ever blame the victim, but I think many times in life we get what we tolerate from other people. We, by our attitudes, actions and words, tell people how to treat us. I had one of those "light bulb" moments a few years ago when I was talking to my therapist about someone who never apologized. "Did you ever ask him to apologize?" she asked me. I was taken aback, because I truly had never even thought about asking anyone to apologize to me, ever, under any circumstance.

Until very recently, I have pretty much not asked others to do anything. My thought was always that they should do the right thing, and I didn't want to issue ultimatums, demand, ask or even suggest that they do that. They should do it because it's the right thing or because they loved me or because they wanted to or whatever. I wonder now how much I have been missing out on in life because I would not ask for what I want or need.

Every day we tell people how to treat us, and at any time we can extend an invitation for them to do the right thing. We can ask for what we want or need, and they can give it to us or not. Once we ask, it's on them. Their choice, their karma.

Susan

Wisdom

"A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying that he is wiser today than he was yesterday." Alexander Pope

If we are living and learning and growing, it's a given that we are going to change our minds about some things and our opinions about some others. I respect people who can admit when they are wrong. It says a lot about your character when you can do that.

When my kids were in elementary school, one of the neighborhood moms became upset with her son for something and grounded him. Then she cooled down a bit and thought about it. She concluded that she had been having a bad day and overreacted to what he had done, and the consequence was unwarranted. She went to him and apologized for being so harsh with him and told him he was not grounded. She told him she had made a mistake and wanted to make it right. Wow. I think some parents who had second thoughts would tell the children the punishment was over, but wouldn't admit they had been wrong and wouldn't have said they were sorry. I really admired this woman for the way she handled it. I imagine her son already knew he was being treated unfairly, and she sent a powerful message when she admitted it.

None of us is perfect, and the longer we live the more we see that there is much to learn. It is the truly wise person who can see where they went wrong and do something about it.

Susan

The Hardest Word

I once knew a woman who would not admit when she was wrong. She also had an odd (but oddly amusing) way of apologizing. "If I have done anything to offend you, I apologize." I heard her say this a number of times to people, and once she told me of a disagreement between two of her coworkers. She drew one of them aside and advised that they actually say this. On one occasion, I witnessed a conversation where someone very clearly told her what she had done (and she was 100% in the wrong) and she got all huffy and said, "Well, I'm sorry I'm not perfect." Then she burst into tears.

It seems that we as humans go to extremes. There are the people who won't apologize, and then there are the ones who are constantly saying they are sorry for everything under the sun. Can't we find a happy medium? Even the most well-intentioned person will hurt others from time to time, and an apology is in order.

You state what you have done; clearly. You acknowledge how it has affected the other person; simply. You say you are sorry; sincerely. You take steps to never do it again; positively. We teach toddlers to do this. Don't hit your brother. That hurts. Tell him you are sorry. If a two-year-old can understand that, why do we as adults make it so complicated?

Susan