"Flying by the seat of my pants without a script." JustJean
Goals are useful. You need to know where you are going and how you're going to get there. But a happy life also has a free-flowing aspect to it, and there are times when you just have to figure things out as you go along. Some folks hold on tightly to the script, referring to it constantly. Then when something goes awry, they become angry and indignant, stomping around the stage of life, pointing to the script and yelling, "No! It's not supposed to happen this way!"
We can have some very definite roles for people, too. Those we love and those we meet become characters in our script and we expect them to behave in certain ways. We get mad at them for not saying their lines the way they were written. "You've changed!" we tell them. We wave the script around and say, "I don't even know who you are anymore." Well, if you would have looked up from your script from time to time, you would know who they are.
Online dating services promise to set you up with someone who could be your ideal mate. It's good to know what you want in a partner or spouse, and for sure you need to have some non-negotiable items on the list. But it is possible to become so invested in it that if they meet most of the criteria, you blind yourself to their other traits. You could at the worst miss some red flags and at best you sell the other person short, because really do you love them or do you simply love your illusion?
It takes real courage to put down the script, live life as it comes and take folks for who they are.
Susan
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Can I Get An Amen?
"Take this most seriously. A yes on earth is a yes in heaven, a no on earth is a no in heaven." Matthew 18:19
Have you ever sat in the pew of an evangelical Protestant church where people get worked up to a fever pitch? It's quite an experience. It takes a good speaker to push the right emotional buttons, but there's some interesting energy that goes on in the crowd, too. Folks are nodding their heads, and you start to hear "Amen!" as they encourage the speaker. It seems there is widespread agreement within the church. You might not actually believe what's being said, but there is kind of a holy peer pressure that sweeps you up, and you might find yourself nodding your head without realizing it. If the crowd is quiet, the minister may ask, "Can I get an amen?" Those less gifted orators need to brush up on their speaking skills, because a truly dynamic preacher should never have to ask for an amen. The word "amen" is translated "so be it."
Author Louise Hay says that whatever we say or think, the universe agrees with us. I have experienced this in my own life. Say I can't do it, and sure enough, I can't. Say I can, and it's amazing what I end up accomplishing. The apostle Matthew goes on to say that there is added power in having just one other person be in agreement.
My dear friend has a talent. Just this past week, she took bold action to start using her gift in a very real way. She was nervous and scared, but she took the first step of faith. Then the universe took over and the very next day, made her dream come true. I got a text message from her telling me it had happened. I texted back, "GO, YOU!!!!" then added "not surprised however" because I had known it all along. I believed in her. I had not been encouraging her just to be "nice." Frankly, telling someone they can do something when you really don't believe it is the opposite of nice. It's not truthful, and it only sets them up to get hurt.
You might say that she and I were in agreement on this one subject. She has a gift and she should share it with the world. It's her life, her show, and all I did was sit in the pew and say, "Amen!" So be it.
Susan
Have you ever sat in the pew of an evangelical Protestant church where people get worked up to a fever pitch? It's quite an experience. It takes a good speaker to push the right emotional buttons, but there's some interesting energy that goes on in the crowd, too. Folks are nodding their heads, and you start to hear "Amen!" as they encourage the speaker. It seems there is widespread agreement within the church. You might not actually believe what's being said, but there is kind of a holy peer pressure that sweeps you up, and you might find yourself nodding your head without realizing it. If the crowd is quiet, the minister may ask, "Can I get an amen?" Those less gifted orators need to brush up on their speaking skills, because a truly dynamic preacher should never have to ask for an amen. The word "amen" is translated "so be it."
Author Louise Hay says that whatever we say or think, the universe agrees with us. I have experienced this in my own life. Say I can't do it, and sure enough, I can't. Say I can, and it's amazing what I end up accomplishing. The apostle Matthew goes on to say that there is added power in having just one other person be in agreement.
My dear friend has a talent. Just this past week, she took bold action to start using her gift in a very real way. She was nervous and scared, but she took the first step of faith. Then the universe took over and the very next day, made her dream come true. I got a text message from her telling me it had happened. I texted back, "GO, YOU!!!!" then added "not surprised however" because I had known it all along. I believed in her. I had not been encouraging her just to be "nice." Frankly, telling someone they can do something when you really don't believe it is the opposite of nice. It's not truthful, and it only sets them up to get hurt.
You might say that she and I were in agreement on this one subject. She has a gift and she should share it with the world. It's her life, her show, and all I did was sit in the pew and say, "Amen!" So be it.
Susan
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Arguing for Your Limitations
"You take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame." Erica Jong
Do you know anyone who relishes the role of victim? They become very comfortable in their victimhood and are often experts at telling all the reasons why they can't do this and they can't do that. Their childhood, their age, their experience, their lack of experience, the weather, the economy, their spouse, their health, their ex, their own children, their education, their lack of education...the excuses abound. They are like expert trial lawyers, arguing passionately for their limitations. You might observe that they actually have a lot going for them, but don't be surprised if they become defensive when you point that out.
I am not questioning whether or not they have been victimized. That is beside the point. I know a woman in her late 20's who was sexually abused by not one, but four different friends of her family. The abuse began when she was a little girl of six. When she tried to tell her mother about it, she couldn't hear it and it is only in the past few years that her mother has started to believe her. It was not her fault. She did not bring it on herself. She was a victim in the truest sense of the world. But this courageous young woman got the therapy she needed, did the hard work involved, and she is doing great things with her life. She has chosen to interpret her experiences in a way that is very positive for herself. She was victimized, but she did not remain a victim. That is the part she could control.
Most of the issues we face are not as clear as my friend's sexual abuse. Most of our problems are caused at least in some small part by our own actions. Once I take my life in my own hands, I take ownership of every problem I have. I take responsibility for every thought, attitude, word and action. I see that I helped create the problem. Then I realize something beautiful. I also have the power to solve it.
Susan
Do you know anyone who relishes the role of victim? They become very comfortable in their victimhood and are often experts at telling all the reasons why they can't do this and they can't do that. Their childhood, their age, their experience, their lack of experience, the weather, the economy, their spouse, their health, their ex, their own children, their education, their lack of education...the excuses abound. They are like expert trial lawyers, arguing passionately for their limitations. You might observe that they actually have a lot going for them, but don't be surprised if they become defensive when you point that out.
I am not questioning whether or not they have been victimized. That is beside the point. I know a woman in her late 20's who was sexually abused by not one, but four different friends of her family. The abuse began when she was a little girl of six. When she tried to tell her mother about it, she couldn't hear it and it is only in the past few years that her mother has started to believe her. It was not her fault. She did not bring it on herself. She was a victim in the truest sense of the world. But this courageous young woman got the therapy she needed, did the hard work involved, and she is doing great things with her life. She has chosen to interpret her experiences in a way that is very positive for herself. She was victimized, but she did not remain a victim. That is the part she could control.
Most of the issues we face are not as clear as my friend's sexual abuse. Most of our problems are caused at least in some small part by our own actions. Once I take my life in my own hands, I take ownership of every problem I have. I take responsibility for every thought, attitude, word and action. I see that I helped create the problem. Then I realize something beautiful. I also have the power to solve it.
Susan
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I Can Save Myself
The knight in shining armor, preferably on a white horse, is a beautiful fantasy. There's nothing wrong with a lady being rescued by a brave knight. The strength of a healthy egalitarian relationship, however, is sometimes he saves you and sometimes you save him. What a gift when your weakness speaks to your partner's strength.
There are certain situations where only you can save yourself. It's romantic to think of someone else slaying the dragons, but when it comes to things like addiction or abuse, you are the only one who can do it. Support, help and encouragement are all wonderful, but really it's all up to you.
Are you worth saving? For some folks who have never really stood up for themselves in a definitive way, they might answer "yes" but feel differently in their hearts. Low self-esteem can fuel addictive behaviors and abusive relationships. It can be scary and painful, but really it's a gift when life backs you into a corner, your self-preservation instinct kicks in and you save yourself.
I recently heard from a brave woman who distanced herself from her abusive parent. She said she didn't feel bad about it. Well, of course not. That's because there is nothing to feel guilty over, and her lack of guilt is her reward for having the guts to save herself. She chose herself over her abuser. It's really the only decision to make, absolutely the right thing to do, yet so many can't or won't do it. I look forward to seeing what kind of blessings she receives since she made the pivotal and powerful choice to save herself.
Susan
There are certain situations where only you can save yourself. It's romantic to think of someone else slaying the dragons, but when it comes to things like addiction or abuse, you are the only one who can do it. Support, help and encouragement are all wonderful, but really it's all up to you.
Are you worth saving? For some folks who have never really stood up for themselves in a definitive way, they might answer "yes" but feel differently in their hearts. Low self-esteem can fuel addictive behaviors and abusive relationships. It can be scary and painful, but really it's a gift when life backs you into a corner, your self-preservation instinct kicks in and you save yourself.
I recently heard from a brave woman who distanced herself from her abusive parent. She said she didn't feel bad about it. Well, of course not. That's because there is nothing to feel guilty over, and her lack of guilt is her reward for having the guts to save herself. She chose herself over her abuser. It's really the only decision to make, absolutely the right thing to do, yet so many can't or won't do it. I look forward to seeing what kind of blessings she receives since she made the pivotal and powerful choice to save herself.
Susan
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Welcome Mat
A neighbor has a cute mat in front of his front door. It says, "LEAVE." It made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it, and it still brings a smile to my face as I walk by his place.
I recently was called a name. It's the word used to refer to a female dog. Now maybe people say it behind my back, but it was the first time in many years that I had it said to my face. I was a fairly feisty young woman, then I became much less assertive to the point where I was like a doormat. Now you can be a doormat if you want, but don't be surprised when people step on you. In the past year or two, I have taken my life in a direction that has rekindled my previous fire. It was the fact that I had drawn a very hard line, a clear boundary, that caused this person to use that particular term on me. It's used specifically for women. Men are expected to be tough, but when a woman is, she gets called a name.
The person who used that term on me apologized soon afterwards, but what I took away from the encounter was a happy revelation. I'm not a doormat anymore.
Susan
I recently was called a name. It's the word used to refer to a female dog. Now maybe people say it behind my back, but it was the first time in many years that I had it said to my face. I was a fairly feisty young woman, then I became much less assertive to the point where I was like a doormat. Now you can be a doormat if you want, but don't be surprised when people step on you. In the past year or two, I have taken my life in a direction that has rekindled my previous fire. It was the fact that I had drawn a very hard line, a clear boundary, that caused this person to use that particular term on me. It's used specifically for women. Men are expected to be tough, but when a woman is, she gets called a name.
The person who used that term on me apologized soon afterwards, but what I took away from the encounter was a happy revelation. I'm not a doormat anymore.
Susan
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Talking to Yourself
"Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true." Brian Tracy
Psychologists call it private speech. It's that cute chatter you hear from toddlers when they are playing. Have you ever interrupted it or asked them to repeat it? They will often react with annoyance, as if you are poking your nose into what is none of your business. Excuse me? I was not talking to you.
Do you talk to yourself? Maybe not aloud anymore, but if you're anything like me you chatter to yourself inside your head. Is it kind? Do you speak nicely to yourself, or do you reinforce old negative patterns? Perhaps you repeat something that was said about you or to you long ago. Then you blurt it out. The thought itself is very influential, but the spoken word is even more powerful.
If I am ever going to change my life, it must begin by changing what I think and say about myself.
Susan
Psychologists call it private speech. It's that cute chatter you hear from toddlers when they are playing. Have you ever interrupted it or asked them to repeat it? They will often react with annoyance, as if you are poking your nose into what is none of your business. Excuse me? I was not talking to you.
Do you talk to yourself? Maybe not aloud anymore, but if you're anything like me you chatter to yourself inside your head. Is it kind? Do you speak nicely to yourself, or do you reinforce old negative patterns? Perhaps you repeat something that was said about you or to you long ago. Then you blurt it out. The thought itself is very influential, but the spoken word is even more powerful.
If I am ever going to change my life, it must begin by changing what I think and say about myself.
Susan
Monday, February 7, 2011
Perfect Humility
"Do not walk in front of me; I may not follow. Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." Albert Camus
At different times in my life I have been the youngest "girl" in the office, the oldest employee, the wife of a successful businessman, a teenage fast food worker, a middle aged fast food worker, "just" the receptionist, the owner of the business, a homeowner and a boarder in someone else's home. Sometimes I've been treated differently depending on where I was in life. I've been kissed up to and kissed off. I've been looked down upon and looked up to.
Humility is the realization that all of us have equal value. Believing you are no better and no worse than anyone else. Accepting praise graciously, and not being stingy with genuine compliments to others. Assessing your weaknesses without beating yourself up, and using your strengths and talents as gifts to the world. Looking folks in the eye, walking through life with your shoulders back and head up, knowing you have just as much right to be here as the next guy. Apologizing when you're hurt someone, being quick to admit it when you make a mistake. Appreciating where you're been and being confident in where you're going. Acknowledging the people who have helped you succeed. Standing up for the underdog and sticking up for yourself. Carrying yourself with grace and dignity, and affording others the dignity they, too, deserve.
We are all in this together, are we not? Let's walk together in true humility, as friends.
Susan
At different times in my life I have been the youngest "girl" in the office, the oldest employee, the wife of a successful businessman, a teenage fast food worker, a middle aged fast food worker, "just" the receptionist, the owner of the business, a homeowner and a boarder in someone else's home. Sometimes I've been treated differently depending on where I was in life. I've been kissed up to and kissed off. I've been looked down upon and looked up to.
Humility is the realization that all of us have equal value. Believing you are no better and no worse than anyone else. Accepting praise graciously, and not being stingy with genuine compliments to others. Assessing your weaknesses without beating yourself up, and using your strengths and talents as gifts to the world. Looking folks in the eye, walking through life with your shoulders back and head up, knowing you have just as much right to be here as the next guy. Apologizing when you're hurt someone, being quick to admit it when you make a mistake. Appreciating where you're been and being confident in where you're going. Acknowledging the people who have helped you succeed. Standing up for the underdog and sticking up for yourself. Carrying yourself with grace and dignity, and affording others the dignity they, too, deserve.
We are all in this together, are we not? Let's walk together in true humility, as friends.
Susan
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Write Me
"A book comes and says, 'Write me.' Madeleine L'Engle
Last Saturday I wrote my 139th post for Hero In Your Soul entitled "Bleeding." In it, I made a declarative statement that was extremely bold for me. "I am a writer." Later, that evening, I had the most remarkable thing happen to me. When I write for this blog, I go to a place deep within myself. I am alone there and that is the place from which I write. But that evening, for the first time ever, there were some who joined me. Kind of shadowy figures, at first: characters for a fiction novel. I couldn't tell how many of them were there, but they were there. And there was something very dark as well.
The next day the characters had a little more form and substance, and the dark part was even darker. By the following day these people had definite shape, and the dark part had a definite purpose. I also knew what the first line of the book would be. I began to write, a few paragraphs here, a few more over here, and right now it's kind of like a puzzle that I am putting together. In the process, I am getting to know my characters. They have depth, like real people, because to me they are real people. Very real people that I carry around with me, everywhere I go. One day when you read my book, they will be real to you, too. I am getting to know them. I'm learning how they speak and what they know and what motivates them. There are four of them right now, my four main characters, but I have a feeling others will join them. At times I guess it's going to feel crowded "in here."
Oh, I had kicked around the idea of a book before. But it never came and said "write me" until I had the guts to say, "I am a writer."
Susan
Last Saturday I wrote my 139th post for Hero In Your Soul entitled "Bleeding." In it, I made a declarative statement that was extremely bold for me. "I am a writer." Later, that evening, I had the most remarkable thing happen to me. When I write for this blog, I go to a place deep within myself. I am alone there and that is the place from which I write. But that evening, for the first time ever, there were some who joined me. Kind of shadowy figures, at first: characters for a fiction novel. I couldn't tell how many of them were there, but they were there. And there was something very dark as well.
The next day the characters had a little more form and substance, and the dark part was even darker. By the following day these people had definite shape, and the dark part had a definite purpose. I also knew what the first line of the book would be. I began to write, a few paragraphs here, a few more over here, and right now it's kind of like a puzzle that I am putting together. In the process, I am getting to know my characters. They have depth, like real people, because to me they are real people. Very real people that I carry around with me, everywhere I go. One day when you read my book, they will be real to you, too. I am getting to know them. I'm learning how they speak and what they know and what motivates them. There are four of them right now, my four main characters, but I have a feeling others will join them. At times I guess it's going to feel crowded "in here."
Oh, I had kicked around the idea of a book before. But it never came and said "write me" until I had the guts to say, "I am a writer."
Susan
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Promises
"Keep every promise you make and only make promises you can keep." Anthony Hitt
The mom had been threatening over and over to impose a consequence for bad behavior. Finally her four-year-old said, "Then do it. You say it too much." So the mom did. When she told me the story, I had to laugh a bit. At first glance it may sound like a smart remark, but really when you think about it, wasn't the child speaking her truth? The mother admitted to me that she doesn't always follow through. The child had definitely noticed that and even at her very young age, just wished her mom would stop talking and start doing. She also could have been crying out for limits. Pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton says that kids need discipline (not punishment, but discipline) and when they don't have it they become "frantic."
It is a crucial part of parenting to keep your word to the child. You can't threaten outlandish things you know you'll never do. But if you say there will be a consequence for unwanted behavior, you must make it happen. If you promise the child something fun, nothing short of your own death should prevent you from doing it. It's that serious in helping the child be secure and develop trust. It also causes the child to respect you, something that is nice when she's four and even more valuable when she's fourteen.
In business, we have written contracts. It's great to have things spelled out and to have all parties agree, to have recourse in the courts or in mediation. But a written contract is really only as good as the person's intention to perform. Have you heard the expression "he's a man of his word"? What a compliment! It says so much about character if we say what we mean, mean what we say and if we can always be counted on to follow through.
Susan
The mom had been threatening over and over to impose a consequence for bad behavior. Finally her four-year-old said, "Then do it. You say it too much." So the mom did. When she told me the story, I had to laugh a bit. At first glance it may sound like a smart remark, but really when you think about it, wasn't the child speaking her truth? The mother admitted to me that she doesn't always follow through. The child had definitely noticed that and even at her very young age, just wished her mom would stop talking and start doing. She also could have been crying out for limits. Pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton says that kids need discipline (not punishment, but discipline) and when they don't have it they become "frantic."
It is a crucial part of parenting to keep your word to the child. You can't threaten outlandish things you know you'll never do. But if you say there will be a consequence for unwanted behavior, you must make it happen. If you promise the child something fun, nothing short of your own death should prevent you from doing it. It's that serious in helping the child be secure and develop trust. It also causes the child to respect you, something that is nice when she's four and even more valuable when she's fourteen.
In business, we have written contracts. It's great to have things spelled out and to have all parties agree, to have recourse in the courts or in mediation. But a written contract is really only as good as the person's intention to perform. Have you heard the expression "he's a man of his word"? What a compliment! It says so much about character if we say what we mean, mean what we say and if we can always be counted on to follow through.
Susan
Trust
"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." Ernest Hemingway
Some people have trust issues, rooted in childbood experiences. Therapy can be helpful for that. But some of us don't trust because we don't want to relinquish control of the outcome.
I have an amazing new hair stylist. She is an artist in the true sense of the word. She has a passion for her work and this uncanny ability to size someone up rather quickly and know just what will make them look their best. The first time I saw her, I told her to do whatever she wanted. She asked a couple of questions here and there, and I answered them but added that she should do whatever she thought best, because she was the artist.
After all, it's only hair. If you like to take things out to their worst possible scenario, what is the worst that could have happened when I put myself totally in her hands, trusted her and gave up my control? Baldness. This would not be the end of the world. I could buy a wig, wear a hat or scarf, or just walk around with no hair. I'll bet people would then be really nice to me because they would assume I had cancer and was going through chemotherapy.
I walked out of her shop looking fabulous. And here is why. My total trust unleashed her total creativity. I didn't hold back, so she didn't have to either. What a powerful combination.
Susan
Some people have trust issues, rooted in childbood experiences. Therapy can be helpful for that. But some of us don't trust because we don't want to relinquish control of the outcome.
I have an amazing new hair stylist. She is an artist in the true sense of the word. She has a passion for her work and this uncanny ability to size someone up rather quickly and know just what will make them look their best. The first time I saw her, I told her to do whatever she wanted. She asked a couple of questions here and there, and I answered them but added that she should do whatever she thought best, because she was the artist.
After all, it's only hair. If you like to take things out to their worst possible scenario, what is the worst that could have happened when I put myself totally in her hands, trusted her and gave up my control? Baldness. This would not be the end of the world. I could buy a wig, wear a hat or scarf, or just walk around with no hair. I'll bet people would then be really nice to me because they would assume I had cancer and was going through chemotherapy.
I walked out of her shop looking fabulous. And here is why. My total trust unleashed her total creativity. I didn't hold back, so she didn't have to either. What a powerful combination.
Susan
Regret
"You want to cry aloud for your mistakes, but to tell the truth the world doesn't need anymore of that sound." Mary Oliver
Regret is such a bitter emotion. It is good to reflect upon our past mistakes. Learn whatever lessons are there. Apologize to those we may have hurt. Make amends for what was done. Then move forward, smarter for the experience. There are no buttons in life that say rewind or even pause. Just forward. It's the only way we can go.
When I was married with two little boys, a casual acquaintance made the observation to my husband that I was really hard on myself. She asked him if I was that tough on him and the kids. He replied that oddly enough, I was not; that my patience and kindness for them knew no bounds. When he told me of this, he asked me why I could be that way with the three of them, yet be so harsh with myself. This conversation was a real turning point for me, and I began to take steps to be more gentle with myself. The unexpected result was that I have made less mistakes and messed up less without all that self-imposed pressure.
I guess sometimes it's easier to forgive other people than it is to forgive yourself.
Susan
Regret is such a bitter emotion. It is good to reflect upon our past mistakes. Learn whatever lessons are there. Apologize to those we may have hurt. Make amends for what was done. Then move forward, smarter for the experience. There are no buttons in life that say rewind or even pause. Just forward. It's the only way we can go.
When I was married with two little boys, a casual acquaintance made the observation to my husband that I was really hard on myself. She asked him if I was that tough on him and the kids. He replied that oddly enough, I was not; that my patience and kindness for them knew no bounds. When he told me of this, he asked me why I could be that way with the three of them, yet be so harsh with myself. This conversation was a real turning point for me, and I began to take steps to be more gentle with myself. The unexpected result was that I have made less mistakes and messed up less without all that self-imposed pressure.
I guess sometimes it's easier to forgive other people than it is to forgive yourself.
Susan
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A River in Egypt
"I accept reality and dare not question it." Walt Whitman
Denial is not always a bad thing. It can be used in a positive way when we experience severe trauma. There are simply some things in life that are so awful that our brains kick in and protect us from it. Soldiers who experience post traumatic stress disorder may be jumpy, suffer flashbacks or nightmares, or they may have blank spaces in their memory. Those periods of time they can't recall are when the brain dissociates from the experience. Day dreaming during a boring lecture is a mild example of dissociation; an extreme example would be a complete break from reality, if only for a few minutes. Our brains protect us in the most wonderful way. Dissociation and denial are close relatives. If we truly comprehended how bad things were, we simply might not be able to endure it.
But in everyday situations, denial is not the way to go. It is only when we look at our lives for what they are that we can implement change. Sometimes we can do that alone; at other times, we may need the help of a friend or a doctor or a therapist. If we have been pretending or avoiding or living in denial, the truth of where we are can be a shock at first. But then we shake ourselves off, and say okay this is where I am right now, and what am I going to do about it? It takes courage to acknowledge the fact that something needs to change. I think if you are brave enough to see the problem in stark reality, you have what it takes to make the changes to improve your life.
Susan
Denial is not always a bad thing. It can be used in a positive way when we experience severe trauma. There are simply some things in life that are so awful that our brains kick in and protect us from it. Soldiers who experience post traumatic stress disorder may be jumpy, suffer flashbacks or nightmares, or they may have blank spaces in their memory. Those periods of time they can't recall are when the brain dissociates from the experience. Day dreaming during a boring lecture is a mild example of dissociation; an extreme example would be a complete break from reality, if only for a few minutes. Our brains protect us in the most wonderful way. Dissociation and denial are close relatives. If we truly comprehended how bad things were, we simply might not be able to endure it.
But in everyday situations, denial is not the way to go. It is only when we look at our lives for what they are that we can implement change. Sometimes we can do that alone; at other times, we may need the help of a friend or a doctor or a therapist. If we have been pretending or avoiding or living in denial, the truth of where we are can be a shock at first. But then we shake ourselves off, and say okay this is where I am right now, and what am I going to do about it? It takes courage to acknowledge the fact that something needs to change. I think if you are brave enough to see the problem in stark reality, you have what it takes to make the changes to improve your life.
Susan
Groundhog Day
"Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door." Emily Dickinson
Today is February 2, Groundhog Day. Not a big holiday in southern California where I live. As a child living in Pennsylvania, it was quite significant. Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is home of Punxsutawney Phil. Perhaps you know of Groundhog Day because of the movie by the same name. If not, I'll enlighten you. Phil emerges from his burrow. If he sees his shadow, he'll go back inside and winter will last for six more weeks. If he doesn't see his shadow, winter will soon be over. I endured 24 consecutive winters living in Pennsylvania, and it seems to me there was always six more weeks of nasty weather, shadow or not. But it's a fun tradition and since folks in that part of the country are presently in the middle of a storm, maybe it will give them some hope. Hope is almost always a good thing.
I don't need to, and most likely shouldn't, walk through every door in life. Certain situations and opportunities present themselves, and it's up to me to use my judgment, intuition and common sense to decide whether I'll take the opportunity. But since I never know, it's not a bad idea to open the door. Take a few steps out and assess the situation. I can always walk back into my burrow and settle back down. Or maybe I will decide to keep on walking and see where that road leads. I think it's when we stop opening the doors that we begin to stagnate. I hope I'll never let that happen to me.
Susan
Today is February 2, Groundhog Day. Not a big holiday in southern California where I live. As a child living in Pennsylvania, it was quite significant. Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is home of Punxsutawney Phil. Perhaps you know of Groundhog Day because of the movie by the same name. If not, I'll enlighten you. Phil emerges from his burrow. If he sees his shadow, he'll go back inside and winter will last for six more weeks. If he doesn't see his shadow, winter will soon be over. I endured 24 consecutive winters living in Pennsylvania, and it seems to me there was always six more weeks of nasty weather, shadow or not. But it's a fun tradition and since folks in that part of the country are presently in the middle of a storm, maybe it will give them some hope. Hope is almost always a good thing.
I don't need to, and most likely shouldn't, walk through every door in life. Certain situations and opportunities present themselves, and it's up to me to use my judgment, intuition and common sense to decide whether I'll take the opportunity. But since I never know, it's not a bad idea to open the door. Take a few steps out and assess the situation. I can always walk back into my burrow and settle back down. Or maybe I will decide to keep on walking and see where that road leads. I think it's when we stop opening the doors that we begin to stagnate. I hope I'll never let that happen to me.
Susan
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Freedom to Choose
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Voltaire
Is it really a friendship? Or is it what my grandmother would have called a Mutual Admiration Society? A true test of friendship is when it withstands disagreement and disapproval. Have you ever watched a friend begin to go down a road that you were certain would end in disaster? You disapproved. I mean you really disapproved, as in shaking your head, wagging your finger, clucking your tongue.
The cowardly way out is to tell yourself it's not any of your business, that your friend is a big girl who can take care of herself, that maybe you don't have all the information. So you bite your tongue and hunker down while waiting for the inevitable train wreck. And you're there to help pick up the pieces, because that's what friends are for. I think it's more accurate to say that you don't believe the friendship is strong enough to endure the loving confrontation you know you need to have. It's not much of a relationship then, is it?
You disagree. You disapprove. You voice that concern in the clearest possible way. It doesn't change the friend's mind. She continues to live the way she believes best, and you're right there beside her. Still loving her, still supporting her, never agreeing but completely defending her right to live her life the way she sees fit. That is true friendship.
Susan
Is it really a friendship? Or is it what my grandmother would have called a Mutual Admiration Society? A true test of friendship is when it withstands disagreement and disapproval. Have you ever watched a friend begin to go down a road that you were certain would end in disaster? You disapproved. I mean you really disapproved, as in shaking your head, wagging your finger, clucking your tongue.
The cowardly way out is to tell yourself it's not any of your business, that your friend is a big girl who can take care of herself, that maybe you don't have all the information. So you bite your tongue and hunker down while waiting for the inevitable train wreck. And you're there to help pick up the pieces, because that's what friends are for. I think it's more accurate to say that you don't believe the friendship is strong enough to endure the loving confrontation you know you need to have. It's not much of a relationship then, is it?
You disagree. You disapprove. You voice that concern in the clearest possible way. It doesn't change the friend's mind. She continues to live the way she believes best, and you're right there beside her. Still loving her, still supporting her, never agreeing but completely defending her right to live her life the way she sees fit. That is true friendship.
Susan
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