Once upon a time, there was a young Jewish woman named Esther. She was an orphan who had been raised by her cousin Mordecai. The king was looking for a new wife and Esther was part of the pool of virgins to choose from. Esther was chosen, but she kept her ethnicity a secret. Mordecai learned of a plot to exterminate the Jews and told Esther about it. She was the obvious choice to speak to the king. Problem was, you could not approach the king if he had not requested your presence, on penalty of death. Now you might be thinking, yes but Esther is the queen and surely he would make an exception. Wrong. Esther's predecessor had been put to death for disobeying him. Now the king had not summoned Esther in over a month. Time was of the essence and Esther could not just sit around with the concubines and wait for her opportunity. She was going to have to create her opportunity.
Mordecai said, "Who knows but that you came into the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther pondered this and made her decision. She would simply go see the king. "And if I perish, I perish." The story does have a happy ending. The king was fine with Esther coming to see him, she let him know that she was indeed Jewish, told him about this horrific plot, and she saved her people.
Who knows why we are here, at this very moment in time, at this very place? I doubt Esther was flippant when she said, "If I perish, I perish." But really aren't there some things much more important than looking out for our own interests? Isn't there a time when the choice we must make is quite obvious? And despite the personal risk involved, we just do it and then live (or die) with the consequences?
Susan
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Eye Contact
I had lunch out with my son, his lovely wife and my 9-month-old grandson. As I carried the baby through the restaurant toward the exit, I noticed people smiling at him. I found myself exclaiming to random strangers, "This is my grandson!"
Most of them smiled or laughed. One woman said, "How wonderful you are so proud of him." Some wanted to talk to us. But there were a few who looked away like they did not want to encourage this crazy woman.
In my own defense, allow me to say this behavior was highly irregular for me. I normally go about my business observing the "don't talk to strangers" rule. But this child of my child has changed my life in a number of ways. All for the better.
Susan
Most of them smiled or laughed. One woman said, "How wonderful you are so proud of him." Some wanted to talk to us. But there were a few who looked away like they did not want to encourage this crazy woman.
In my own defense, allow me to say this behavior was highly irregular for me. I normally go about my business observing the "don't talk to strangers" rule. But this child of my child has changed my life in a number of ways. All for the better.
Susan
Friday, September 10, 2010
Respect
"Respect commands itself, and can be neither given nor withheld when it is due." Eldridge Cleaver
Summer vacation is over, and the kids are back in school. I overheard a mom remind her young son to listen to his teacher. Part of making our children civilized is teaching respect for authority. That begins in the home, and it needs to start early. But while you are teaching that young child to respect you as the parent, you had better make sure you are the kind of person who deserves respect.
There is a big difference between respecting the position and respecting the person. All the difference in the world.
Susan
Summer vacation is over, and the kids are back in school. I overheard a mom remind her young son to listen to his teacher. Part of making our children civilized is teaching respect for authority. That begins in the home, and it needs to start early. But while you are teaching that young child to respect you as the parent, you had better make sure you are the kind of person who deserves respect.
There is a big difference between respecting the position and respecting the person. All the difference in the world.
Susan
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Your Inner Child
"When one has not had a good father, one must create one." Friedrich Nietzsche
Those with less than great childhoods enter adult life with some significant deficits. I know a woman now in her 70's who never became a mother. It was a conscious choice on her part. She had suffered terrible abuse as a child and feared she might do the same to one of her own. It does happen. Abuse can be a horrible family legacy.
But I have known many other folks who are childhood abuse survivors who became awesome parents themselves. If you emerge from the experience with your empathy intact, you know what it is to be hurt and you make sure that never happens to a child of your own. Sometimes it's as simple as doing the opposite of what was done to you. Your kids certainly benefit from your own painful experiences that way.
And it helps that hurt child living within you as well. There is great healing in becoming the parent you never had.
Susan
Those with less than great childhoods enter adult life with some significant deficits. I know a woman now in her 70's who never became a mother. It was a conscious choice on her part. She had suffered terrible abuse as a child and feared she might do the same to one of her own. It does happen. Abuse can be a horrible family legacy.
But I have known many other folks who are childhood abuse survivors who became awesome parents themselves. If you emerge from the experience with your empathy intact, you know what it is to be hurt and you make sure that never happens to a child of your own. Sometimes it's as simple as doing the opposite of what was done to you. Your kids certainly benefit from your own painful experiences that way.
And it helps that hurt child living within you as well. There is great healing in becoming the parent you never had.
Susan
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Path of Least Resistance
"Lying has a kind of respect and reverence with it. We pay a person the compliment of acknowledging his superiority whenever we lie to him." Samuel Butler
My friend's husband asked her to do something he felt was important. She agreed, but she didn't do it because she felt it was unnecessary. Later he asked her about it, and she immediately lied. She is an honest person and not at all a good liar, so he picked up on that and pressed the matter, and she admitted she had not done it.
She was so ashamed and shocked at her behavior as she told me this story. She said, "I didn't even think about it. I just lied." She asked me what I thought about that. Well, since she asked, I told her my theory.
They have been married less than a year, still sort of on the honeymoon. They have a somewhat old-fashioned marriage where he is in charge and she is deferential. While her husband has some good qualities, he is short-tempered and tends to yell when he gets upset. She excuses this by saying he's Italian, but I'm not buying what she's selling. Now I won't go so far as to say she's afraid of him, but I did say she probably just told him what he wanted to hear to keep the peace. It's not uncommon for a volatile person to marry a peacemaker. And while sometimes the path of least resistance is the way to go, I do not recommend it for a long journey like a marriage.
Susan
My friend's husband asked her to do something he felt was important. She agreed, but she didn't do it because she felt it was unnecessary. Later he asked her about it, and she immediately lied. She is an honest person and not at all a good liar, so he picked up on that and pressed the matter, and she admitted she had not done it.
She was so ashamed and shocked at her behavior as she told me this story. She said, "I didn't even think about it. I just lied." She asked me what I thought about that. Well, since she asked, I told her my theory.
They have been married less than a year, still sort of on the honeymoon. They have a somewhat old-fashioned marriage where he is in charge and she is deferential. While her husband has some good qualities, he is short-tempered and tends to yell when he gets upset. She excuses this by saying he's Italian, but I'm not buying what she's selling. Now I won't go so far as to say she's afraid of him, but I did say she probably just told him what he wanted to hear to keep the peace. It's not uncommon for a volatile person to marry a peacemaker. And while sometimes the path of least resistance is the way to go, I do not recommend it for a long journey like a marriage.
Susan
Bridges Burned
"Never cut what you can untie." Joseph Joubert
I know a man who has burned pretty much every bridge he has crossed. He has an odd way of finding fault with folks, becoming offended at perceived slights, then finally concluding the other person has intentionally wronged him. Then he cuts the offender out of his life. Forever. He is an expert at holding grudges, and there are no second chances with him.
You might be tempted to give that annoying co-worker a piece of your mind today, but what if she becomes your supervisor tomorrow? Develop a reputation of being hard to get along with and that can follow you around throughout your career. We live in a small world filled with people who have long memories, and when they think of you, let it be something good that comes to mind.
As we sail through personal or romantic relationships, of course they won't all be static. But isn't it best for all concerned if we leave the least amount of damage in our wake?
We should be careful about burning a bridge. We might need it to still be standing if one day we have to cross back over it again.
Susan
I know a man who has burned pretty much every bridge he has crossed. He has an odd way of finding fault with folks, becoming offended at perceived slights, then finally concluding the other person has intentionally wronged him. Then he cuts the offender out of his life. Forever. He is an expert at holding grudges, and there are no second chances with him.
You might be tempted to give that annoying co-worker a piece of your mind today, but what if she becomes your supervisor tomorrow? Develop a reputation of being hard to get along with and that can follow you around throughout your career. We live in a small world filled with people who have long memories, and when they think of you, let it be something good that comes to mind.
As we sail through personal or romantic relationships, of course they won't all be static. But isn't it best for all concerned if we leave the least amount of damage in our wake?
We should be careful about burning a bridge. We might need it to still be standing if one day we have to cross back over it again.
Susan
An Enriching Experience
"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." Voltaire
Today I spent some time at an art museum and feel so blessed by the experience. I am fortunate to live in a city with many cultural opportunities, and this particular museum is open to the public five days a week with no admission charge and there is plenty of free parking.
I found myself marveling at the talent of the artists, but mostly I just got lost in their works. I am grateful for their bravery and generosity, for they took what was inside themselves and put it all out there, to share it with me. They are rich and so am I.
Susan
Today I spent some time at an art museum and feel so blessed by the experience. I am fortunate to live in a city with many cultural opportunities, and this particular museum is open to the public five days a week with no admission charge and there is plenty of free parking.
I found myself marveling at the talent of the artists, but mostly I just got lost in their works. I am grateful for their bravery and generosity, for they took what was inside themselves and put it all out there, to share it with me. They are rich and so am I.
Susan
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