"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." Madeleine L'Engle
Our family was blessed two years ago when my son married a lovely lady with two daughters. He became a father and I became a grandmother for the first time. If you don't have grandchildren yet, just think of the very best thing that has ever happened to you so far in your life. Okay. Being a grandparent is way better.
The girls like to talk to me about the way their lives changed when their mom married their dad, and it means the world that they view it all as completely positive. My six-year-old granddaughter told me, "At first I thought you would be a regular grandma, then look what happened!" She then began to name all the things we have done together. She assured me that I am not like an old person at all! "You're like a 16-year-old. Or a 2-year-old. I don't know what you are!"
There is a part of me that has always been a little girl. That part has two sides. There's the playful side with a childlike wonder about life, then the other side that can pout and be unreasonably childish. I don't think I can have one without the other. So yes. I am 16. And 2. And all the other ages I've been so far.
What about you? How old are you?
Susan
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
You Are a Gift
"Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is his reward." Psalm 127:3 (King James Version Bible)
Some groups would take this scripture and decide that it means one should not use contraception, or perhaps that it means a woman should not have power over her own body. I am not here to debate these issues.
This verse came to my mind when a mom said of her teenage daughter, "She came to me this way and I've had the good fortune of not completely screwing it up yet." At one time the experts thought infants were blank slates. Anyone who has ever raised a child knows that is so not true. They are born with inherent traits, personalities, temperaments, and abilities. Complete little packages. The Psalmist calls them a reward.
Like a handful of mothers, I personally never had any fruit come from my own womb. My two amazing sons are my stepchildren. I had the honor and privilege of helping their father raise them. They are the best things that even happened to me. I don't know what I did to deserve them, but yes; they are my reward.
Not every child comes into the world welcomed and wanted and viewed as a precious gift. That doesn't change the fact that they truly are. You, my reader, are a gift. If your parents didn't understand that, well, that is their problem and not yours. Maybe you will walk a little straighter and hold your head up a little higher today if you remember that.
Susan
Some groups would take this scripture and decide that it means one should not use contraception, or perhaps that it means a woman should not have power over her own body. I am not here to debate these issues.
This verse came to my mind when a mom said of her teenage daughter, "She came to me this way and I've had the good fortune of not completely screwing it up yet." At one time the experts thought infants were blank slates. Anyone who has ever raised a child knows that is so not true. They are born with inherent traits, personalities, temperaments, and abilities. Complete little packages. The Psalmist calls them a reward.
Like a handful of mothers, I personally never had any fruit come from my own womb. My two amazing sons are my stepchildren. I had the honor and privilege of helping their father raise them. They are the best things that even happened to me. I don't know what I did to deserve them, but yes; they are my reward.
Not every child comes into the world welcomed and wanted and viewed as a precious gift. That doesn't change the fact that they truly are. You, my reader, are a gift. If your parents didn't understand that, well, that is their problem and not yours. Maybe you will walk a little straighter and hold your head up a little higher today if you remember that.
Susan
Monday, March 28, 2011
And You Shall Know the Truth
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Leo Tolstoy
I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. She comes from a family with a long history of secrets. Don't tell this person that. Don't tell that person this. Go ahead and whisper a few words here and a few words there. Raise an eyebrow, or share a knowing glance. But let's not ever say what's what or who's who. Lies, half-truths and miscommunications abound in this family. Siblings pitted against each other by a parent. Cousins who never even meet. Folks not on speaking terms with others for years on end, and no one seems to know why.
I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. Abuse reached across a generation and grabbed at her children. She stopped it cold. It was what any loving parent would do, what any normal person would do, but this was no normal family.
I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. She then did the most stunning thing of all. She told other family members. She spoke the truth. This woman who was once a quiet girl in pigtails stood up and cleared her throat. "Excuse me?" she seemed to be saying, "The emperor has no clothes!" She didn't do it to cause dissention. She spoke the truth because, well because that is what normal people do. It is not normal to keep secrets. But this was no normal family.
I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. I'm delighted to imagine certain family members rolling in their graves, because when she spoke the truth she shook this family to its very foundation. And that had been long overdue.
You know what they say about the truth? It really does set you free. So wonder no more, for when this woman spoke the truth she set this family free.
Susan
I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. She comes from a family with a long history of secrets. Don't tell this person that. Don't tell that person this. Go ahead and whisper a few words here and a few words there. Raise an eyebrow, or share a knowing glance. But let's not ever say what's what or who's who. Lies, half-truths and miscommunications abound in this family. Siblings pitted against each other by a parent. Cousins who never even meet. Folks not on speaking terms with others for years on end, and no one seems to know why.
I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. Abuse reached across a generation and grabbed at her children. She stopped it cold. It was what any loving parent would do, what any normal person would do, but this was no normal family.
I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. She then did the most stunning thing of all. She told other family members. She spoke the truth. This woman who was once a quiet girl in pigtails stood up and cleared her throat. "Excuse me?" she seemed to be saying, "The emperor has no clothes!" She didn't do it to cause dissention. She spoke the truth because, well because that is what normal people do. It is not normal to keep secrets. But this was no normal family.
I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. I'm delighted to imagine certain family members rolling in their graves, because when she spoke the truth she shook this family to its very foundation. And that had been long overdue.
You know what they say about the truth? It really does set you free. So wonder no more, for when this woman spoke the truth she set this family free.
Susan
Saturday, March 26, 2011
When the Lake Goes Dry
I remember The Crawdad Song by Chuck Cheesman from my childhood.
I've heard different versions of it. Whatcha gonna do when the lake goes dry? The creek goes dry? The well goes dry? Anyway you look at it, there's no water there. We humans are funny, how we keep going back to a place that has nothing for us.
She was pushing 90 when she died. Her son, a man in his 50's who was old enough to know better, never stopped trying to get her approval. She died without ever giving it to him. He had done it his entire life, which must have been so painful. I watched him do it for over twenty years, and it was so excruciating just to be a witness.
Can people change? Absolutely. If they see the need to change and if they want to change, and then if they are willing to do the difficult work needed to make it happen. There are many success stories in life, of people clean and sober for years, of married couples on the verge of divorce who save their marriage, of people who stop handing down the abuse from one generation to another. Their dry creekbeds flow with cool, clear water once again.
Sometimes the very people we love most in life can't or won't give us what we need. They won't change. And we can't change them. But you know what we can do? We can stop expecting them to change. We can stop going back time and again and getting hurt. We can find other healthy ways to get our needs met. There is water everywhere. It is plentiful. So here's the heads-up, in case you've missed it. There ain't no crawdads in that hole, Honey.
Susan
I've heard different versions of it. Whatcha gonna do when the lake goes dry? The creek goes dry? The well goes dry? Anyway you look at it, there's no water there. We humans are funny, how we keep going back to a place that has nothing for us.
She was pushing 90 when she died. Her son, a man in his 50's who was old enough to know better, never stopped trying to get her approval. She died without ever giving it to him. He had done it his entire life, which must have been so painful. I watched him do it for over twenty years, and it was so excruciating just to be a witness.
Can people change? Absolutely. If they see the need to change and if they want to change, and then if they are willing to do the difficult work needed to make it happen. There are many success stories in life, of people clean and sober for years, of married couples on the verge of divorce who save their marriage, of people who stop handing down the abuse from one generation to another. Their dry creekbeds flow with cool, clear water once again.
Sometimes the very people we love most in life can't or won't give us what we need. They won't change. And we can't change them. But you know what we can do? We can stop expecting them to change. We can stop going back time and again and getting hurt. We can find other healthy ways to get our needs met. There is water everywhere. It is plentiful. So here's the heads-up, in case you've missed it. There ain't no crawdads in that hole, Honey.
Susan
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Misunderstandings
"An enemy generally says and believes what he wishes." Thomas Jefferson
Is it human nature to be offended when people don't understand us? I once knew a man who had adequate communication skills, but when someone opposed him he felt compelled to set the record straight. Numerous conversations would ensue, where the subject was revisited over and over. These talks were sometimes followed up with emails and snail mail letters. Just to make his point clear. Crystal clear. While complicated subjects may need to be gone over a second or third time, if it's simply that the other person disagrees and/or dislikes you, he already thinks what he wants. And as for gossip? What he says will likely have his own spin to it. The people who know who you are won't pay much attention, and why would those who don't know you even care?
Living your life with clarity, purpose and integrity doesn't ensure you'll never be misunderstood. Sometimes you will. Sometimes you can change that, but mostly you can't. Why waste valuable time and energy on such a frustrating distraction?
Susan
Is it human nature to be offended when people don't understand us? I once knew a man who had adequate communication skills, but when someone opposed him he felt compelled to set the record straight. Numerous conversations would ensue, where the subject was revisited over and over. These talks were sometimes followed up with emails and snail mail letters. Just to make his point clear. Crystal clear. While complicated subjects may need to be gone over a second or third time, if it's simply that the other person disagrees and/or dislikes you, he already thinks what he wants. And as for gossip? What he says will likely have his own spin to it. The people who know who you are won't pay much attention, and why would those who don't know you even care?
Living your life with clarity, purpose and integrity doesn't ensure you'll never be misunderstood. Sometimes you will. Sometimes you can change that, but mostly you can't. Why waste valuable time and energy on such a frustrating distraction?
Susan
Monday, March 21, 2011
Name Calling
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." William Shakespeare
When I was growing up, it was a common practice to give a son the same first name as the father. While I think that has sort of fallen out of favor, I do like the idea of passing along family names, or of honoring a friend in that way. A young woman I know is having her very expensive college education completely financed by her great-aunt. She has the same first name as the aunt. Her two sisters have not received any money for their tuition from Auntie. Tongue-in-cheek, she wondered if her parents had a financial motive when they were choosing a name.
I think expectant parents would pass on a family name if the person was one they loved and admired, and if they also liked the name. Really now. Your grandma may be your favorite person in the whole wide world, but would you name your baby girl Edna?
Someone new calls to mind someone old. Psychologists call it transference, and it's often done in a negative way. A new person in your life reminds you of someone who once wronged you, and you find yourself without meaning to, putting all that old bad stuff on the new person. They carry around an unfair burden, paying for what someone else did. And you miss out on getting to know them as a unique individual. It's a sign that you have some unfinished business from the past.
Look around you. That person you have a distaste for? Is it for something they have done, or have you named them after someone else?
Susan
When I was growing up, it was a common practice to give a son the same first name as the father. While I think that has sort of fallen out of favor, I do like the idea of passing along family names, or of honoring a friend in that way. A young woman I know is having her very expensive college education completely financed by her great-aunt. She has the same first name as the aunt. Her two sisters have not received any money for their tuition from Auntie. Tongue-in-cheek, she wondered if her parents had a financial motive when they were choosing a name.
I think expectant parents would pass on a family name if the person was one they loved and admired, and if they also liked the name. Really now. Your grandma may be your favorite person in the whole wide world, but would you name your baby girl Edna?
Someone new calls to mind someone old. Psychologists call it transference, and it's often done in a negative way. A new person in your life reminds you of someone who once wronged you, and you find yourself without meaning to, putting all that old bad stuff on the new person. They carry around an unfair burden, paying for what someone else did. And you miss out on getting to know them as a unique individual. It's a sign that you have some unfinished business from the past.
Look around you. That person you have a distaste for? Is it for something they have done, or have you named them after someone else?
Susan
Who's in the Driver's Seat?
"Control your own destiny, or someone else will." Jack Welch
A few years ago when I was facing a decision, my oldest friend said, "YOU are in control of your life." I looked around, and on the surface it seemed I wasn't. But you know something? She was absolutely right. I was, always have been and always will be the one ultimately in control of my life. I can give up some of that control to something or someone else, but it is always mine to do with what I want. It was an important reminder and became my daily mantra for many months.
Now I'm in a much better place. I control my destiny not just in an abstract way, but in a concrete way. Being in control doesn't mean you have to be a control freak. I think being in control means you take complete responsibility for what goes on in your life without blaming anyone else. Total accountability and ownership for all of it is what controlling your destiny is all about.
Susan
A few years ago when I was facing a decision, my oldest friend said, "YOU are in control of your life." I looked around, and on the surface it seemed I wasn't. But you know something? She was absolutely right. I was, always have been and always will be the one ultimately in control of my life. I can give up some of that control to something or someone else, but it is always mine to do with what I want. It was an important reminder and became my daily mantra for many months.
Now I'm in a much better place. I control my destiny not just in an abstract way, but in a concrete way. Being in control doesn't mean you have to be a control freak. I think being in control means you take complete responsibility for what goes on in your life without blaming anyone else. Total accountability and ownership for all of it is what controlling your destiny is all about.
Susan
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Pot of Gold
"It's a beautiful day. Don't let it get away." Paul Hewson, Dave Evans, Adam Clayton, Larry Mullen, Jr.
It is now the morning after St. Patrick's Day, a holiday where every American is at least a tiny bit Irish. I got an email at 4:00 yesterday afternoon from my professor, telling us that our class last night was cancelled. I wanted to shoot back a reply, "Green beer?" but I try not be too much of a smart aleck, particularly to someone who can influence my college career. I'd imagine there are some people who woke up this morning feeling like they had been mugged by a leprechaun.
Last night I heard a U2 cover band, which was very appropriate for St. Pat's. I had not heard the song, "Beautiful Day" for some time. It is a reminder and a warning. It's a beautiful day and we shouldn't let it get away.
I know the Irish have a reputation for being melancholy people, but they certainly do know how to party. This day, today, that we have is a beautiful day if we will but look around. I know life can at times be a serious business, filled with problems and responsibilities, but what a shame it would be if we let this day slip away without acknowledging it as the amazing gift it truly is.
Susan
It is now the morning after St. Patrick's Day, a holiday where every American is at least a tiny bit Irish. I got an email at 4:00 yesterday afternoon from my professor, telling us that our class last night was cancelled. I wanted to shoot back a reply, "Green beer?" but I try not be too much of a smart aleck, particularly to someone who can influence my college career. I'd imagine there are some people who woke up this morning feeling like they had been mugged by a leprechaun.
Last night I heard a U2 cover band, which was very appropriate for St. Pat's. I had not heard the song, "Beautiful Day" for some time. It is a reminder and a warning. It's a beautiful day and we shouldn't let it get away.
I know the Irish have a reputation for being melancholy people, but they certainly do know how to party. This day, today, that we have is a beautiful day if we will but look around. I know life can at times be a serious business, filled with problems and responsibilities, but what a shame it would be if we let this day slip away without acknowledging it as the amazing gift it truly is.
Susan
There's No Fool Like an Old Fool
"As one grows older, one becomes more wiser and more foolish." Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Society as a whole has become more accepting of the May-December romance. The older man/younger woman combination has been around forever, and now we see older women with younger men becoming more common. I read a tongue-in-check piece which gave a formula for determining if your May-December relationship would be socially acceptable. Take the age of the older person and divide by 2. Add 7 years. That would mean a 60-year-old man could date a woman as young as 37 without anyone getting all flustered. I think that marriages and long-term relationships are challenging at best, and if two people love each other, we should for the most part leave them to their happiness.
As we get older, we should have learned from our mistakes. With age should come wisdom. It's just smart to take to heart some of the lessons you've learned along the way and use them for your own betterment. As I've grown older, I have become more willing to take risks and to be a little reckless. Really what I have I got to lose? I am less self-conscious than I was as a younger woman, a lot less scared of someone laughing at me. I kind of like being a walking contradiction, a woman wise enough to know when to be foolish.
Susan
Society as a whole has become more accepting of the May-December romance. The older man/younger woman combination has been around forever, and now we see older women with younger men becoming more common. I read a tongue-in-check piece which gave a formula for determining if your May-December relationship would be socially acceptable. Take the age of the older person and divide by 2. Add 7 years. That would mean a 60-year-old man could date a woman as young as 37 without anyone getting all flustered. I think that marriages and long-term relationships are challenging at best, and if two people love each other, we should for the most part leave them to their happiness.
As we get older, we should have learned from our mistakes. With age should come wisdom. It's just smart to take to heart some of the lessons you've learned along the way and use them for your own betterment. As I've grown older, I have become more willing to take risks and to be a little reckless. Really what I have I got to lose? I am less self-conscious than I was as a younger woman, a lot less scared of someone laughing at me. I kind of like being a walking contradiction, a woman wise enough to know when to be foolish.
Susan
Harvest Time
"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant." Robert Louis Stevenson
I love my birthday! It is July 20, by the way. I am proud of my age. I'm 52 and in a few months, I will be 53. How about that? I have known some people that never did make it to be my age, and I feel very lucky. One of the many wonderful things about getting older is that you finally get to see some results. My two adult sons are great examples of this. I catch a glimpse of some things that are coming about in their lives, and I think back to the days when I planted some of those seeds. I feel blessed to have had that role in their lives.
We all need to have some things going on in our lives that give immediate, measurable results. If we don't have that, things get pretty discouraging and grim. Instant gratification is important in keeping up our spirits, but some of the really important things in life just take time.
I am 52 but I certainly haven't arrived. There is still a lot I want to accomplish and experience. I can get impatient and want to see it all happen right now, but I'm a big girl now and know that as long as I am making progress each day, that is enough. Nature teaches us. You will, eventually, reap what you sow.
Susan
I love my birthday! It is July 20, by the way. I am proud of my age. I'm 52 and in a few months, I will be 53. How about that? I have known some people that never did make it to be my age, and I feel very lucky. One of the many wonderful things about getting older is that you finally get to see some results. My two adult sons are great examples of this. I catch a glimpse of some things that are coming about in their lives, and I think back to the days when I planted some of those seeds. I feel blessed to have had that role in their lives.
We all need to have some things going on in our lives that give immediate, measurable results. If we don't have that, things get pretty discouraging and grim. Instant gratification is important in keeping up our spirits, but some of the really important things in life just take time.
I am 52 but I certainly haven't arrived. There is still a lot I want to accomplish and experience. I can get impatient and want to see it all happen right now, but I'm a big girl now and know that as long as I am making progress each day, that is enough. Nature teaches us. You will, eventually, reap what you sow.
Susan
A Fine Specimen
She was a single mom in her 30's. She had lupus, as well as other medical issues. She worked part-time when she needed to be working full-time, but her health limited what she could do. She was hoping to get better, or at the very least to get a stay in the death sentence she had been given. She just wanted to live long enough to raise her daughter.
At the time, she and I both attended an evangelical Christian church that looked at healing this way. God could heal you if he wants, but maybe it's his will for you to be sick. So pray, read your Bible, attend services, try to convert others to the faith and leave it at that. Go ahead and ask God to heal you, but don't count on it. There was also a subtle message that perhaps your unconfessed sin was preventing God from healing you. She made the rounds in her desperation to be healed. She sought the help of a Pentecostal church that taught it was always God's will to heal and only your lack of faith kept that from happening. They put oil on her and they put hands on her, but she didn't get well. She went away from that experience feeling guilty that she didn't have enough faith. She even found a group of renegade Catholics who performed an exorcism, because her illness could have actually been demon possession. That experience left her feeling somewhat icky and violated. If I sound irreverent, it's because I am.
Since I couldn't change a thing in her life, I tried to distract her. I would make her laugh. I would tell her jokes. I am a smart aleck, and I think what people love about me is I will actually say what everyone else is thinking. One of the many times she landed in the hospital, I went to visit her later that same day. She looked like death and I had never seen her more discouraged. We visited for a while. She told me she had to give a urine specimen, and I looked at the bottle of apple juice on her dinner tray, and had sudden inspiration. I guess you can guess what we did. We thought it was the most hilarious prank. Her color got a little better after that and at least for that evening anyway, all did not seem lost.
Who knows why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people? I think it doesn't even matter. Who knows why we are here in this time, in this place? I am no longer a person of faith, not in the organized religion sense of the word anyway. I know there is definitely a spiritual side to life and a spiritual side to me. And as for my friend? I do know I will never forget her. How could I? I think of her every time I drink apple juice.
Susan
At the time, she and I both attended an evangelical Christian church that looked at healing this way. God could heal you if he wants, but maybe it's his will for you to be sick. So pray, read your Bible, attend services, try to convert others to the faith and leave it at that. Go ahead and ask God to heal you, but don't count on it. There was also a subtle message that perhaps your unconfessed sin was preventing God from healing you. She made the rounds in her desperation to be healed. She sought the help of a Pentecostal church that taught it was always God's will to heal and only your lack of faith kept that from happening. They put oil on her and they put hands on her, but she didn't get well. She went away from that experience feeling guilty that she didn't have enough faith. She even found a group of renegade Catholics who performed an exorcism, because her illness could have actually been demon possession. That experience left her feeling somewhat icky and violated. If I sound irreverent, it's because I am.
Since I couldn't change a thing in her life, I tried to distract her. I would make her laugh. I would tell her jokes. I am a smart aleck, and I think what people love about me is I will actually say what everyone else is thinking. One of the many times she landed in the hospital, I went to visit her later that same day. She looked like death and I had never seen her more discouraged. We visited for a while. She told me she had to give a urine specimen, and I looked at the bottle of apple juice on her dinner tray, and had sudden inspiration. I guess you can guess what we did. We thought it was the most hilarious prank. Her color got a little better after that and at least for that evening anyway, all did not seem lost.
Who knows why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people? I think it doesn't even matter. Who knows why we are here in this time, in this place? I am no longer a person of faith, not in the organized religion sense of the word anyway. I know there is definitely a spiritual side to life and a spiritual side to me. And as for my friend? I do know I will never forget her. How could I? I think of her every time I drink apple juice.
Susan
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Minor Distractions
"The truth is on the march and nothing will stop it." Emilie Zola
As you fulfill your destiny, there will be plenty of distractions along the way. A business associate reneges on a deal. A false friend betrays you. A vow is broken. Money owed you never materializes. Gossip is spread. Wrong, wrong, wrong. You become angry and hurt and indignant, and you are completely entitled to feel those emotions. And it's perfectly fine to set people straight; to stand up for yourself. To assess the situation to see if you did anything to help contribute toward it, so you won't make that same mistake again. But at some point you need to move on, to get past it as best you can and concentrate on what is really important. Someone wrongs you? Really, it's on them, not you. It's their problem. Their karma, if you will. You can go around giving these people a piece of your mind, but if you're anything like me, you need your entire brain to live the richest possible life you can. Why give those situations and those folks your valuable energy and time?
Right always wins out in the end any way. Always has. Always will. Truth is truth and nothing can ever change that. I've lived long enough now that I know that from personal experience. There have been a couple of instances where it literally took decades, but I was finally completely vindicated. And you know what? I had a fleeting thought of, "Oh, that's nice." But it meant little to me, because I had moved on with my life and what seemed so huge at the time just didn't matter anymore.
Susan
As you fulfill your destiny, there will be plenty of distractions along the way. A business associate reneges on a deal. A false friend betrays you. A vow is broken. Money owed you never materializes. Gossip is spread. Wrong, wrong, wrong. You become angry and hurt and indignant, and you are completely entitled to feel those emotions. And it's perfectly fine to set people straight; to stand up for yourself. To assess the situation to see if you did anything to help contribute toward it, so you won't make that same mistake again. But at some point you need to move on, to get past it as best you can and concentrate on what is really important. Someone wrongs you? Really, it's on them, not you. It's their problem. Their karma, if you will. You can go around giving these people a piece of your mind, but if you're anything like me, you need your entire brain to live the richest possible life you can. Why give those situations and those folks your valuable energy and time?
Right always wins out in the end any way. Always has. Always will. Truth is truth and nothing can ever change that. I've lived long enough now that I know that from personal experience. There have been a couple of instances where it literally took decades, but I was finally completely vindicated. And you know what? I had a fleeting thought of, "Oh, that's nice." But it meant little to me, because I had moved on with my life and what seemed so huge at the time just didn't matter anymore.
Susan
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Preparation or Procrastination?
"You DO know what to do." Louise L. Hay
I was not one of those "because I said so" kind of parents. I tried not to be a dictator. One of my sons went through a stage where he would say, "I don't understand." I would tell him no and explain why he couldn't do something. Then he would say, "I don't understand." He did indeed understand. He just didn't like my answer.
There is an adult version of this. It's called, "I don't know what to do." Now there is absolutely a time in the decision making process where you truly don't know what to do. You are still evaluating and weighing options. You are still making your list of pros and cons. There are still a few loose ends you need to tie up. This is necessary. But it could be that we let it go on too long and preparation turns into procrastination. We bore our friends with endless talk of our dilemma, we give ourselves a headache thinking and thinking and thinking about it. If you're like me, sometimes you know intuitively, immediately, what to do, but want to analyze and rationalize. We say, "I don't know what to do." But we do know what to do. We know exactly what we should do. We just don't want to do it. Yet. Or ever.
I don't really know why we lie to ourselves this way. Maybe it's because if we would admit that we know precisely what it is we should do, the clock would then start ticking. And we couldn't keep putting it off indefinitely.
Susan
I was not one of those "because I said so" kind of parents. I tried not to be a dictator. One of my sons went through a stage where he would say, "I don't understand." I would tell him no and explain why he couldn't do something. Then he would say, "I don't understand." He did indeed understand. He just didn't like my answer.
There is an adult version of this. It's called, "I don't know what to do." Now there is absolutely a time in the decision making process where you truly don't know what to do. You are still evaluating and weighing options. You are still making your list of pros and cons. There are still a few loose ends you need to tie up. This is necessary. But it could be that we let it go on too long and preparation turns into procrastination. We bore our friends with endless talk of our dilemma, we give ourselves a headache thinking and thinking and thinking about it. If you're like me, sometimes you know intuitively, immediately, what to do, but want to analyze and rationalize. We say, "I don't know what to do." But we do know what to do. We know exactly what we should do. We just don't want to do it. Yet. Or ever.
I don't really know why we lie to ourselves this way. Maybe it's because if we would admit that we know precisely what it is we should do, the clock would then start ticking. And we couldn't keep putting it off indefinitely.
Susan
Refrigerator Soup
"A first rate soup is more creative than a second rate painting." Abraham Maslow
The other day someone said to me, "I can't imagine YOU ever having low self-esteem." We both laughed and I took it as a measurement of how far I've come. Back when I used to argue for my limitations and put myself down, I was speaking with my now deceased mother-in-law. I said, "I'm not creative." Now she was never one to offer lavish praise, but she responded immediately, "Yes. You are. You're a very creative cook." I thought about that for a second and had to admit she was right.
I am fairly confident I could walk into any kitchen and no matter how bare the cupboard might be, I'll bet I could come up with something delicious. In fact, some of my best soups over the years started with a tour of the fridge and freezer. I'd gather up what I could find, a little of this and a little of that and that refrigerator soup was very good. Some of that comes from the fact that I hate waste and I don't like to see leftovers just sit there and spoil.
Maybe all of us would admit we are creative if we look at it differently. Creativity is all about taking what is already there and doing something with it, not letting anything we have go to waste.
Susan
The other day someone said to me, "I can't imagine YOU ever having low self-esteem." We both laughed and I took it as a measurement of how far I've come. Back when I used to argue for my limitations and put myself down, I was speaking with my now deceased mother-in-law. I said, "I'm not creative." Now she was never one to offer lavish praise, but she responded immediately, "Yes. You are. You're a very creative cook." I thought about that for a second and had to admit she was right.
I am fairly confident I could walk into any kitchen and no matter how bare the cupboard might be, I'll bet I could come up with something delicious. In fact, some of my best soups over the years started with a tour of the fridge and freezer. I'd gather up what I could find, a little of this and a little of that and that refrigerator soup was very good. Some of that comes from the fact that I hate waste and I don't like to see leftovers just sit there and spoil.
Maybe all of us would admit we are creative if we look at it differently. Creativity is all about taking what is already there and doing something with it, not letting anything we have go to waste.
Susan
Living Faith
"Each one of them is Jesus in disguise." Mother Teresa
One day Jesus was speaking to his disciples. He told them that he was in prison and they didn't visit him, he was naked and they didn't clothe him, he was thirsty and they didn't bring him as much as a cup of water. They were astonished and asked him when did this all happen, because they couldn't remember. Surely if their Lord was in need they would try to do something about it. He answered that because they had not taken care of the "least" of those in society, they had not cared for him.
A few years ago I worked with a woman whose husband was a minister. She bowed her head in the break room before she ate her lunch. She didn't swear and she never laughed at an off-color remark or joke. If you asked her how her weekend was, she would tell you what happened at church. Wednesday night she had to be out the door at 5:00 sharp, because that was prayer meeting night. Her assistant went on maternity leave and the temp agency sent her someone. This young woman was a single mother who had never been married. She took cigarette breaks and her tops were a little too revealing, her skirts a little too short. She was a hard worker and tried to do her best, and the pastor's wife never would cut her a break. She criticized her endlessly for the most trivial things and gossiped about her in a most judgmental way behind her back. I wonder if she knew this woman had fled a physically abusive relationship. I wonder if she knew her assistant was renting a room in someone's home, that she and her two-year-old slept in the same bed for lack of room. I wonder if she knew what a struggle it was to pay for good day care. I wonder if she had any idea what a paycheck meant to this young woman, how important it was for her to be able to perform at this job so she and her child could eat. It's sad to me, because the religious woman had the most amazing opportunity. Right outside her office sat a person who was Jesus in disguise. All the love and devotion she felt for her Lord should have poured out to this young woman who was badly in need of some grace.
Susan
One day Jesus was speaking to his disciples. He told them that he was in prison and they didn't visit him, he was naked and they didn't clothe him, he was thirsty and they didn't bring him as much as a cup of water. They were astonished and asked him when did this all happen, because they couldn't remember. Surely if their Lord was in need they would try to do something about it. He answered that because they had not taken care of the "least" of those in society, they had not cared for him.
A few years ago I worked with a woman whose husband was a minister. She bowed her head in the break room before she ate her lunch. She didn't swear and she never laughed at an off-color remark or joke. If you asked her how her weekend was, she would tell you what happened at church. Wednesday night she had to be out the door at 5:00 sharp, because that was prayer meeting night. Her assistant went on maternity leave and the temp agency sent her someone. This young woman was a single mother who had never been married. She took cigarette breaks and her tops were a little too revealing, her skirts a little too short. She was a hard worker and tried to do her best, and the pastor's wife never would cut her a break. She criticized her endlessly for the most trivial things and gossiped about her in a most judgmental way behind her back. I wonder if she knew this woman had fled a physically abusive relationship. I wonder if she knew her assistant was renting a room in someone's home, that she and her two-year-old slept in the same bed for lack of room. I wonder if she knew what a struggle it was to pay for good day care. I wonder if she had any idea what a paycheck meant to this young woman, how important it was for her to be able to perform at this job so she and her child could eat. It's sad to me, because the religious woman had the most amazing opportunity. Right outside her office sat a person who was Jesus in disguise. All the love and devotion she felt for her Lord should have poured out to this young woman who was badly in need of some grace.
Susan
Monday, March 14, 2011
Last Words
"In the last analysis, what we are communicates far more eloquently than anything we say or do." Stephen Covey
You sit in a memorial service for a loved one. The things she did with her life are enumerated. Where she went to school, her occupation, her devotion to her family, her involvement in the community, her hobbies, her benevolence with church and charity. Anecdotes are shared, always poignant and often funny, of things she said. You somehow smile through your tears. It's a concrete way to celebrate her life. You are thinking, "We'll never forget you!" but there's a panicky little thought that maybe she will slip away forever.
As if that could ever happen! As the years go by, you may forget what she did and you may not recall everything she said, but who she was made such an indelible impression on you that while she may be dead, she lives on in you. You wish that those children born after her death could have known her, but in a way they do. Everyone who knows you knows her, too. They never witnessed her deeds or heard her voice. Yet she touched you and you touch others and in that very important way she never dies.
Susan
You sit in a memorial service for a loved one. The things she did with her life are enumerated. Where she went to school, her occupation, her devotion to her family, her involvement in the community, her hobbies, her benevolence with church and charity. Anecdotes are shared, always poignant and often funny, of things she said. You somehow smile through your tears. It's a concrete way to celebrate her life. You are thinking, "We'll never forget you!" but there's a panicky little thought that maybe she will slip away forever.
As if that could ever happen! As the years go by, you may forget what she did and you may not recall everything she said, but who she was made such an indelible impression on you that while she may be dead, she lives on in you. You wish that those children born after her death could have known her, but in a way they do. Everyone who knows you knows her, too. They never witnessed her deeds or heard her voice. Yet she touched you and you touch others and in that very important way she never dies.
Susan
Beating the Odds
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke
He asked her to marry him. In front of her entire family. Now that is one brave man! The wedding is set a year from now. The proposal was not a surprise. Well, the timing of it was, but they had talked at length about a future together as husband and wife.
They plan to beat the odds. It's no secret that marriages fail. I guess it's 50/50 that any given bride and groom will end up divorced. Of the half that stick it out, how many of them have happy, healthy marriages? Most leave it up to chance. They just believe that their love will carry them through the changes of life; the richer, poorer, sicker, healthier, better and worse of it.
Not this remarkable young couple. They had an issue, and they went into therapy for it together. A kind of pre-emptive strike against marital discord. Many couples seek counseling as a last-ditch effort to infuse some life back into a dead marriage. Not this remarkable young couple. I dislike gender stereotypes, but really isn't it usually the woman who wants counseling and the man who drags his feet? It says so much about this man that he was willing to do that. He said doing so was one of the best things he has done. It was brave of both of them, because therapy could have revealed that they were not right for each other. Sometimes folks in love become too determined to be together and don't want that belief challenged. They just want to go full speed ahead with wedding plans without careful reflection.
It isn't difficult to have your relationship fail. Just do nothing about it until it's too late, and there you have it: another statistic. How inspiring when good people admit they have a problem and decide to address it before it even has a chance to poison the relationship. Really, they have given themselves the best possible chance at a successful marriage. Happiness is something that should not be left to chance.
Susan
He asked her to marry him. In front of her entire family. Now that is one brave man! The wedding is set a year from now. The proposal was not a surprise. Well, the timing of it was, but they had talked at length about a future together as husband and wife.
They plan to beat the odds. It's no secret that marriages fail. I guess it's 50/50 that any given bride and groom will end up divorced. Of the half that stick it out, how many of them have happy, healthy marriages? Most leave it up to chance. They just believe that their love will carry them through the changes of life; the richer, poorer, sicker, healthier, better and worse of it.
Not this remarkable young couple. They had an issue, and they went into therapy for it together. A kind of pre-emptive strike against marital discord. Many couples seek counseling as a last-ditch effort to infuse some life back into a dead marriage. Not this remarkable young couple. I dislike gender stereotypes, but really isn't it usually the woman who wants counseling and the man who drags his feet? It says so much about this man that he was willing to do that. He said doing so was one of the best things he has done. It was brave of both of them, because therapy could have revealed that they were not right for each other. Sometimes folks in love become too determined to be together and don't want that belief challenged. They just want to go full speed ahead with wedding plans without careful reflection.
It isn't difficult to have your relationship fail. Just do nothing about it until it's too late, and there you have it: another statistic. How inspiring when good people admit they have a problem and decide to address it before it even has a chance to poison the relationship. Really, they have given themselves the best possible chance at a successful marriage. Happiness is something that should not be left to chance.
Susan
Roughly Translated
"A man hears only what he understands." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
One of my college classes is Elementary Spanish. My professor is a lovely woman from Madrid who believes in total immersion. She rarely speaks English to us and doesn't like it when we do. Early in the semester, at one point she stopped abruptly in class and said, "Stop translating every word I say into English!" We chuckled because it was true. We were shouting out what she was saying in an attempt to make some sense of it. I have learned that not every word in English has an exact Spanish equivalent. I guess that's where the phrase "roughly translated" comes from.
Communication can be tricky, even between two native speakers of American English. People have different styles of communication which further complicates it. There is a difference between what we say and what the other person actually hears. This would be one of the reasons testimony in a court room is recorded, so it can be read back at any time. This would be one reason why a marriage counselor sits with the husband and the wife as they talk. We hear what people say based on our own comprehension and interpretation of language, but also on who is speaking. If the relationship is secure and we believe the one talking loves us, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. If it's shaky or we think they don't like us, we have a tendency to take everything they say in a negative way. We also hear based on our experiences in life.
She and her boyfriend had broken up. He initiated the breakup, but did it in a kind and reassuring way. She didn't believe a word he said. "He's just trying not to hurt my feelings," she said. She took the breakup as a wholesale commmentary on the validity of the relationship, their love for each other, and her worth as a human being. He said that they had become too serious (both of them are in their mid-20's) and he wasn't ready for that. That's what he said. What she heard was, "Our relationship meant nothing to me. We lived a lie. I never had any feelings for you. You are a worthless person." Wow! Talk about a failure to communicate. Apparently, what she heard is what she believes about herself and her world.
That's an extreme example, but I think this kind of thing happens a lot. We need to be careful listeners, take people's words at face value without spinning them to fit our own agenda.
Susan
One of my college classes is Elementary Spanish. My professor is a lovely woman from Madrid who believes in total immersion. She rarely speaks English to us and doesn't like it when we do. Early in the semester, at one point she stopped abruptly in class and said, "Stop translating every word I say into English!" We chuckled because it was true. We were shouting out what she was saying in an attempt to make some sense of it. I have learned that not every word in English has an exact Spanish equivalent. I guess that's where the phrase "roughly translated" comes from.
Communication can be tricky, even between two native speakers of American English. People have different styles of communication which further complicates it. There is a difference between what we say and what the other person actually hears. This would be one of the reasons testimony in a court room is recorded, so it can be read back at any time. This would be one reason why a marriage counselor sits with the husband and the wife as they talk. We hear what people say based on our own comprehension and interpretation of language, but also on who is speaking. If the relationship is secure and we believe the one talking loves us, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. If it's shaky or we think they don't like us, we have a tendency to take everything they say in a negative way. We also hear based on our experiences in life.
She and her boyfriend had broken up. He initiated the breakup, but did it in a kind and reassuring way. She didn't believe a word he said. "He's just trying not to hurt my feelings," she said. She took the breakup as a wholesale commmentary on the validity of the relationship, their love for each other, and her worth as a human being. He said that they had become too serious (both of them are in their mid-20's) and he wasn't ready for that. That's what he said. What she heard was, "Our relationship meant nothing to me. We lived a lie. I never had any feelings for you. You are a worthless person." Wow! Talk about a failure to communicate. Apparently, what she heard is what she believes about herself and her world.
That's an extreme example, but I think this kind of thing happens a lot. We need to be careful listeners, take people's words at face value without spinning them to fit our own agenda.
Susan
Pushing the Envelope
"Don't wish it were easier. Wish you were better." Jim Rohn
Amelia Earhart and Charles Lindbergh captured the hearts of Americans with their amazing feats. Forever immortalized in newsreels, newspapers, books and movies, these people took unimaginable risks.
We love the person who pushes the envelope, but we don't want to be that person. We'll line up to watch, getting a vicarious thrill from their adventures. But when life invites us to take a risk, to live on the edge, we say no thanks. Convinced something is beyond our limitations, we shrink from the challenge. When the truth is, we have no clue what our limits are because we refuse to allow them to be tested.
It seems to me if I'm up against a difficulty, it wouldn't even be there in the first place if I didn't have what it takes to meet it and eventually overcome it. Of course I may fail, but so what? Sometimes in failing we learn things we could learn no other way.
We whine, "This is too hard," when we should be reaching deep down within ourselves. It's there we would find we are more than equal to the task at hand.
Susan
Amelia Earhart and Charles Lindbergh captured the hearts of Americans with their amazing feats. Forever immortalized in newsreels, newspapers, books and movies, these people took unimaginable risks.
We love the person who pushes the envelope, but we don't want to be that person. We'll line up to watch, getting a vicarious thrill from their adventures. But when life invites us to take a risk, to live on the edge, we say no thanks. Convinced something is beyond our limitations, we shrink from the challenge. When the truth is, we have no clue what our limits are because we refuse to allow them to be tested.
It seems to me if I'm up against a difficulty, it wouldn't even be there in the first place if I didn't have what it takes to meet it and eventually overcome it. Of course I may fail, but so what? Sometimes in failing we learn things we could learn no other way.
We whine, "This is too hard," when we should be reaching deep down within ourselves. It's there we would find we are more than equal to the task at hand.
Susan
The Right Thing To Do
"Management is doing things right. Leadership is doing the right things." Peter Drucker
Competent workers are often rewarded with a promotion to management. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. While they excelled in their former positions, they sink to mediocrity in supervisory roles because they lack the skills to successfully manage people.
A good manager implements company policy. She is good at building a team and building consensus. She motivates, keeps people on task, finishes on time and comes in under budget. She mediates disputes with customers and vendors and the occasional employee dispute over leftovers in the break room.
A manager should be a leader, but they are two completely different things. A leader can tell you how to do it, but mostly he leads by example. He would never expect anything from you that he wouldn't be willing to do himself. Just when your enthusiasm starts to lag, he says something simple that inspires you. He takes full responsibility when things go wrong, but never fails to give credit where credit is due. You are free to ask questions and even challenge him, and he responds with calm confidence. Then just at the time when you're wondering if he knows what he's doing, he looks at you as if to say, "trust me." And you do, because his track record speaks for itself. You fall in line behind him, following the leader.
Susan
Competent workers are often rewarded with a promotion to management. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. While they excelled in their former positions, they sink to mediocrity in supervisory roles because they lack the skills to successfully manage people.
A good manager implements company policy. She is good at building a team and building consensus. She motivates, keeps people on task, finishes on time and comes in under budget. She mediates disputes with customers and vendors and the occasional employee dispute over leftovers in the break room.
A manager should be a leader, but they are two completely different things. A leader can tell you how to do it, but mostly he leads by example. He would never expect anything from you that he wouldn't be willing to do himself. Just when your enthusiasm starts to lag, he says something simple that inspires you. He takes full responsibility when things go wrong, but never fails to give credit where credit is due. You are free to ask questions and even challenge him, and he responds with calm confidence. Then just at the time when you're wondering if he knows what he's doing, he looks at you as if to say, "trust me." And you do, because his track record speaks for itself. You fall in line behind him, following the leader.
Susan
Thinking on Your Feet
"The difficulties you meet will resolve themselves as you advance. Proceed, and light will dawn and shine with increasingly clearness on your path." Jim Rohn
She was fairly young to be in middle management. Blonde and petite, she looks even younger than she is. It was a challenge at first, being the new supervisor of seventy people, most of them older and many of them men. But being too young is a problem that, in time, takes care of itself. Not every problem requires your attention.
Confidence in who you are and in what you intend to do means you figure some things out as you go along. While you may prefer to sit down and formulate a plan, action requires that you keep walking and learn to think on your feet. It sometimes may seem like you're stumbling around in the dark, but sooner or later the light comes on.
Susan
She was fairly young to be in middle management. Blonde and petite, she looks even younger than she is. It was a challenge at first, being the new supervisor of seventy people, most of them older and many of them men. But being too young is a problem that, in time, takes care of itself. Not every problem requires your attention.
Confidence in who you are and in what you intend to do means you figure some things out as you go along. While you may prefer to sit down and formulate a plan, action requires that you keep walking and learn to think on your feet. It sometimes may seem like you're stumbling around in the dark, but sooner or later the light comes on.
Susan
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Two Cents
"Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality." Les Brown
The attitudes, opinions and words of the parents are a young child's truth. He is a good boy because mommy says he is. The experts say this is developmentally appropriate, but as the child grows, this changes. Some of us adults still find our reality in the opinions of those around us. I think we need to grow up.
Powerful, wealthy people sometimes live in an isolated, insulated world, where those around them shield them from the truth. The minions pump them up and tell them how great they are. Their agenda is obviously self-serving. Everyone is afraid to tell the emperor he is naked.
Many people brush off compliments and praise, but soak up the negative like a sponge. There's nothing wrong with letting someone throw in his 2 cents, but we should be careful to remember it's just an opinion and not necessarily the truth. Some of us take other folks' viewpoints about ourselves and run with them. We repeat their words over and over until it we believe it. We state it as a fact. The next time you make a declarative statement about yourself such as "I'm not good with money," or "I'm not athletic," take a moment. Why do you say that? It is really a fact, or are you parroting what someone else said about you a long time ago?
I don't think it's helpful to give other people that much power over your life.
Susan
The attitudes, opinions and words of the parents are a young child's truth. He is a good boy because mommy says he is. The experts say this is developmentally appropriate, but as the child grows, this changes. Some of us adults still find our reality in the opinions of those around us. I think we need to grow up.
Powerful, wealthy people sometimes live in an isolated, insulated world, where those around them shield them from the truth. The minions pump them up and tell them how great they are. Their agenda is obviously self-serving. Everyone is afraid to tell the emperor he is naked.
Many people brush off compliments and praise, but soak up the negative like a sponge. There's nothing wrong with letting someone throw in his 2 cents, but we should be careful to remember it's just an opinion and not necessarily the truth. Some of us take other folks' viewpoints about ourselves and run with them. We repeat their words over and over until it we believe it. We state it as a fact. The next time you make a declarative statement about yourself such as "I'm not good with money," or "I'm not athletic," take a moment. Why do you say that? It is really a fact, or are you parroting what someone else said about you a long time ago?
I don't think it's helpful to give other people that much power over your life.
Susan
Breakfast of Champions
"Expect problems and eat them for breakfast." Alfred A. Montapert
It's funny how surprised we are when we run up against a problem. Shocked, hurt, offended and thoroughly discombobulated, we sigh heavily and wring our hands. Do we really believe life is supposed to run smoothly? We should anticipate potential problems and fully expect the unexpected ones.
I am a morning person. A sunrise is the best part of the day. It's quiet and cool and the birds sing. That morning cup of coffee is the best drink of the day. I am the best I will be all day.
So as an early bird, I love the idea of having problems for breakfast. Deal with them early and get them out of the way. Get a bowl, toss that problem in there, pour on the milk, and grab a spoon. Commence munching and crunching. Then get on with the day.
Susan
It's funny how surprised we are when we run up against a problem. Shocked, hurt, offended and thoroughly discombobulated, we sigh heavily and wring our hands. Do we really believe life is supposed to run smoothly? We should anticipate potential problems and fully expect the unexpected ones.
I am a morning person. A sunrise is the best part of the day. It's quiet and cool and the birds sing. That morning cup of coffee is the best drink of the day. I am the best I will be all day.
So as an early bird, I love the idea of having problems for breakfast. Deal with them early and get them out of the way. Get a bowl, toss that problem in there, pour on the milk, and grab a spoon. Commence munching and crunching. Then get on with the day.
Susan
Leap Before You Look
"Leap, and the net will appear." John Burroughs
Deliberate planning is well within my comfort zone. I like to make lists, stay organized and prepare for every eventuality. I think it through and talk it out. It's smart to be prepared, but there comes a point in time where you must tell yourself, "Enough!" Any more preparation turns into procrastination. Just do it! Of course you can't see the whole picture yet. That's because the net will never appear until you take that flying leap of faith.
Susan
Deliberate planning is well within my comfort zone. I like to make lists, stay organized and prepare for every eventuality. I think it through and talk it out. It's smart to be prepared, but there comes a point in time where you must tell yourself, "Enough!" Any more preparation turns into procrastination. Just do it! Of course you can't see the whole picture yet. That's because the net will never appear until you take that flying leap of faith.
Susan
Prison Break
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself." Mark Caine
Biographies are my favorite kind of books. I love reading about what makes people tick and what makes them tock. The best tales are of those born in unfortunate circumstances, who find a way to overcome.
I was still in elementary school when I began to figure a few things out. The way I lived was not normal. My mother was mean, and probably crazy. While she said she was sorry I had ever been born, I was not the least bit sorry. And even though she blamed me for everything, it wasn't my fault. She was the problem. One day I would be able to leave, and my life would be different. So I did and so it is.
By that time plenty of damage had already been done. Decisions that I made later in life are clear evidence of my low self-esteem, a result of the verbal and emotional abuse I endured. I don't think my scars are all that obvious anymore. But if you looked closely, you would see some faint, faded lines where those deep cuts were once made. Those who believe that sticks and stones can break your bones, but names can never hurt you obviously didn't have a mother like mine.
At low points in my life, there has been a mocking voice that tells me I am nothing. "Just a piece of s***," as she was fond of telling me. Over the years, that voice has become quieter and I hear it much less frequently. It speaks so seldom and so softly now. One day I know it will be forever silent.
I had no choice about being born into that environment. I had no choice but to stay until I was of age. But I think in a way my break from prison had already begun, when I was in elementary school and began to figure a few things out.
Susan
Biographies are my favorite kind of books. I love reading about what makes people tick and what makes them tock. The best tales are of those born in unfortunate circumstances, who find a way to overcome.
I was still in elementary school when I began to figure a few things out. The way I lived was not normal. My mother was mean, and probably crazy. While she said she was sorry I had ever been born, I was not the least bit sorry. And even though she blamed me for everything, it wasn't my fault. She was the problem. One day I would be able to leave, and my life would be different. So I did and so it is.
By that time plenty of damage had already been done. Decisions that I made later in life are clear evidence of my low self-esteem, a result of the verbal and emotional abuse I endured. I don't think my scars are all that obvious anymore. But if you looked closely, you would see some faint, faded lines where those deep cuts were once made. Those who believe that sticks and stones can break your bones, but names can never hurt you obviously didn't have a mother like mine.
At low points in my life, there has been a mocking voice that tells me I am nothing. "Just a piece of s***," as she was fond of telling me. Over the years, that voice has become quieter and I hear it much less frequently. It speaks so seldom and so softly now. One day I know it will be forever silent.
I had no choice about being born into that environment. I had no choice but to stay until I was of age. But I think in a way my break from prison had already begun, when I was in elementary school and began to figure a few things out.
Susan
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Tug of War
"You need to overcome the tug of people against you as you reach for high goals." George S. Patton
You begin with your family. You make some friends. You marry or commit to a life partner. More friends come along. Your family increases. All the people in your life have an influence, and it's never neutral. They either help you become all you can be, or they hold you down.
As your dream unfolds, as you rise to your destiny, not all of these people will go with you. Oh; I know you love them and wish you could take each and every one along. But it doesn't work that way. It's not your choice, really. It is theirs. But know this: they will tug at you, trying to keep you down. They don't want to hold you back. Really they don't. Their own personal demons of dysfunction and addiction have a grip on them. They refuse help, or when they do get it, they can't or won't follow through. There you are, moving on to a higher plane, and they tug desperately as they realize you are slipping out of their reach. They won't go with you; they would rather you stay, where your only purpose would be to enable them and cripple them. Then there are the negative, unhappy people who tug. Misery loves company, after all, and you feel them pulling you back down, sucking the life and energy from you. They love to tell you how it can't be done. Yet you persevere, finding joy and meaning in moving onward and upward. And your happiness becomes an affront to their misery, so after tugging for a while, they just let go.
As you make your ascent, you won't do it alone, for there are some who will go with you. They've been there all along, and now that your dream is going to be realized, well! They won't miss this for the world. And the people left behind? You didn't cut them out of your life; you simply moved on and they didn't want to go along.
Is your dream unfolding? Do you have a compelling destiny, a purpose for your life? At some point you have to say to those tugging on you, "I'd love to take you all with me, but I won't allow you to hold be down. I am going, with or without you. But I'm going."
Then you just go.
Susan
You begin with your family. You make some friends. You marry or commit to a life partner. More friends come along. Your family increases. All the people in your life have an influence, and it's never neutral. They either help you become all you can be, or they hold you down.
As your dream unfolds, as you rise to your destiny, not all of these people will go with you. Oh; I know you love them and wish you could take each and every one along. But it doesn't work that way. It's not your choice, really. It is theirs. But know this: they will tug at you, trying to keep you down. They don't want to hold you back. Really they don't. Their own personal demons of dysfunction and addiction have a grip on them. They refuse help, or when they do get it, they can't or won't follow through. There you are, moving on to a higher plane, and they tug desperately as they realize you are slipping out of their reach. They won't go with you; they would rather you stay, where your only purpose would be to enable them and cripple them. Then there are the negative, unhappy people who tug. Misery loves company, after all, and you feel them pulling you back down, sucking the life and energy from you. They love to tell you how it can't be done. Yet you persevere, finding joy and meaning in moving onward and upward. And your happiness becomes an affront to their misery, so after tugging for a while, they just let go.
As you make your ascent, you won't do it alone, for there are some who will go with you. They've been there all along, and now that your dream is going to be realized, well! They won't miss this for the world. And the people left behind? You didn't cut them out of your life; you simply moved on and they didn't want to go along.
Is your dream unfolding? Do you have a compelling destiny, a purpose for your life? At some point you have to say to those tugging on you, "I'd love to take you all with me, but I won't allow you to hold be down. I am going, with or without you. But I'm going."
Then you just go.
Susan
Keeping Score
"A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others." Ayn Rand
I was a first time Little League mom. Naive, inexperienced and knowing next to nothing about baseball, I volunteered to be our team's official scorekeeper. It was an important job, because if you didn't have a scorekeeper, you forfeited the game. In the case of a dispute over a call, the scorekeepers were consulted and a final decision was made. The league provided one training session, then another more experienced mom sat with me until I became competent. It was a wonderful way to quickly learn the game of baseball. I kept a very tidy scorebook. Halfway through the first season, I knew I had arrived when the umpire turned to me and asked ME what the count was.
Scorekeeping was vital and I learned a lot about baseball, and I was more than happy to help my son and his team. However, the focus required, being cognizant of every at-bat and every play and recording it, caused me to enjoy the whole experience less. I couldn't chat with the other parents because it distracted me. I did have a bottle of water at hand, but forget the peanuts and Cracker Jack. I wasn't aware the sky was especially blue that day. I didn't notice that the boy over in left field was chasing a butterfly instead of paying attention to the game. I never knew that other cute little guy always screwed up his face and closed his eyes when he swung the bat. I could tell you that a player had struck out swinging, but I never saw how hard he tried. Certainly I knew that another had scored his first home run ever, but I didn't get to see the joy on his face. Keeping score accurately required focus and attention to detail.
In my own life today, I will miss out on some of the best parts if I insist on keeping score. I'll look around at other people and will always see someone not doing as well as me, and others who surpass me. What does it matter as long as I am being the best I can be, as long as I am moving forward? In personal relationships we keep score, too. We become concerned with who gives more and who doesn't give enough. We begin sentences with "You always..." and "You never..." We feel bitter and misunderstood as we sit hunched over the scorebook. While healthy competition can be fun, it's best just to play this game of life only trying to beat yourself.
Susan
I was a first time Little League mom. Naive, inexperienced and knowing next to nothing about baseball, I volunteered to be our team's official scorekeeper. It was an important job, because if you didn't have a scorekeeper, you forfeited the game. In the case of a dispute over a call, the scorekeepers were consulted and a final decision was made. The league provided one training session, then another more experienced mom sat with me until I became competent. It was a wonderful way to quickly learn the game of baseball. I kept a very tidy scorebook. Halfway through the first season, I knew I had arrived when the umpire turned to me and asked ME what the count was.
Scorekeeping was vital and I learned a lot about baseball, and I was more than happy to help my son and his team. However, the focus required, being cognizant of every at-bat and every play and recording it, caused me to enjoy the whole experience less. I couldn't chat with the other parents because it distracted me. I did have a bottle of water at hand, but forget the peanuts and Cracker Jack. I wasn't aware the sky was especially blue that day. I didn't notice that the boy over in left field was chasing a butterfly instead of paying attention to the game. I never knew that other cute little guy always screwed up his face and closed his eyes when he swung the bat. I could tell you that a player had struck out swinging, but I never saw how hard he tried. Certainly I knew that another had scored his first home run ever, but I didn't get to see the joy on his face. Keeping score accurately required focus and attention to detail.
In my own life today, I will miss out on some of the best parts if I insist on keeping score. I'll look around at other people and will always see someone not doing as well as me, and others who surpass me. What does it matter as long as I am being the best I can be, as long as I am moving forward? In personal relationships we keep score, too. We become concerned with who gives more and who doesn't give enough. We begin sentences with "You always..." and "You never..." We feel bitter and misunderstood as we sit hunched over the scorebook. While healthy competition can be fun, it's best just to play this game of life only trying to beat yourself.
Susan
Calculated Risks
"I wouldn't go swimming in a tsunami." Loudmouth Birdie
My younger son played high school football. He was a starting player all four years. His positions throughout his career were tight end and fullback. There were many nights I heard the announcer say "Touchdown!" and then his name. His dad and I were always in the stands, dressed head to toe in our spirit wear. I waved a sign with his name on it. He had my support, one hundred percent. It was not without some trepidation, however, that I watched the game. Football is a very violent sport. He did sustain several injuries. None were life threatening. One did involve surgery. There were times my stomach was in knots, and there were occasions that I cried behind closed doors. But I did not allow my own fear to affect him. I wanted him to run out on that football field with full confidence. Some mothers won't "let" their kids play football. I strongly disagree. It is counterintuitive, I know, for Mama to allow Baby to be at risk. But he loved what he was doing, and for me that far outweighed any of the hazards.
He is now a strong, confident man of 26. Proud does not even begin to describe how I feel about him. He takes calculated risks, and I'd like to think I helped teach him how to do that. I don't ever want to see him or his older brother hurt in anyway; physically, emotionally or mentally. I still feel very protective of them both. I likely always will.
But just living every day is a gamble. Let's not take foolish risks. We need to take all the necessary precautions; wear the helmet, mouthpiece and pads. But once we've suited up, let's get out there and play this game we call life. Let's give it everything we've got. Let's hold nothing back.
Susan
My younger son played high school football. He was a starting player all four years. His positions throughout his career were tight end and fullback. There were many nights I heard the announcer say "Touchdown!" and then his name. His dad and I were always in the stands, dressed head to toe in our spirit wear. I waved a sign with his name on it. He had my support, one hundred percent. It was not without some trepidation, however, that I watched the game. Football is a very violent sport. He did sustain several injuries. None were life threatening. One did involve surgery. There were times my stomach was in knots, and there were occasions that I cried behind closed doors. But I did not allow my own fear to affect him. I wanted him to run out on that football field with full confidence. Some mothers won't "let" their kids play football. I strongly disagree. It is counterintuitive, I know, for Mama to allow Baby to be at risk. But he loved what he was doing, and for me that far outweighed any of the hazards.
He is now a strong, confident man of 26. Proud does not even begin to describe how I feel about him. He takes calculated risks, and I'd like to think I helped teach him how to do that. I don't ever want to see him or his older brother hurt in anyway; physically, emotionally or mentally. I still feel very protective of them both. I likely always will.
But just living every day is a gamble. Let's not take foolish risks. We need to take all the necessary precautions; wear the helmet, mouthpiece and pads. But once we've suited up, let's get out there and play this game we call life. Let's give it everything we've got. Let's hold nothing back.
Susan
Thursday, March 10, 2011
An Eye for an Eye
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Confucius
He was grumbling about some co-workers. "I'm not taking anymore of this," he said. "I'm going to start treating people the way they treat me." I didn't get all the details, but I heard him loud and clear. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Now I've heard it said that those kind of guys finish last. Certainly if people are taking advantage of you, you need to put an end to that. I am a big believer in healthy boundaries.
Say please and thank you. Don't push and shove. Wait your turn. Don't hit. Share your toys. Young children understand the rules of getting along with others, even if they don't always observe them. They also become indignant if they obey the rules and others don't. It's not fair! If someone messes with them, they retaliate.
Getting back at someone, giving them a taste of their own medicine, can be tempting. Do you give other people what they deserve? Do you treat other people well because of who they are, or because of who YOU are?
Susan
He was grumbling about some co-workers. "I'm not taking anymore of this," he said. "I'm going to start treating people the way they treat me." I didn't get all the details, but I heard him loud and clear. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Now I've heard it said that those kind of guys finish last. Certainly if people are taking advantage of you, you need to put an end to that. I am a big believer in healthy boundaries.
Say please and thank you. Don't push and shove. Wait your turn. Don't hit. Share your toys. Young children understand the rules of getting along with others, even if they don't always observe them. They also become indignant if they obey the rules and others don't. It's not fair! If someone messes with them, they retaliate.
Getting back at someone, giving them a taste of their own medicine, can be tempting. Do you give other people what they deserve? Do you treat other people well because of who they are, or because of who YOU are?
Susan
What Goes Down, Must Go Up
"Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility." Saint Augustine
All great people have some things in common. The truly great person is self-aware. He is humble, meaning that he knows where his talents lie and he also knows his limitations. He seeks out help and advice when needed. He is a leader, but he has no problem following the right people. He doesn't surround himself with bobbleheads who will always nod in agreement. The great person has no problem being challenged. He avoids tunnel vision by welcoming the perspective and opinions of others. He has no problem rolling up his sleeves and doing the dirty work, but he also knows how to delegate. He assembles a group of the brightest and the best, but avoids micromanaging them. He can do this because he's not at all intimidated by other great people.
I once worked for a woman who was great. She was the first one in the office in the morning, and the last one to leave at night. She modeled hard work and dedication. I trusted her because she knew the workings of our department inside and out, and I respected her because of her work ethic. I gave her 110% percent every day because her leadership inspired me to be the best possible follower.
Great people make great things happen. Once a dream begins to unfold, it often brings with it an opportunity to show humility. It's not humiliation; there is a difference. The truly great person is willing to make sacrifices to see her dream realized. She has no problem living simply, doing without some luxuries, waiting tables or sweeping floors. No illusions of grandeur occupy her mind, because she has a clear understanding of what it takes to succeed. She is determined and will not be denied. The dream is such a part of the fabric of her being that she is more than willing to pay her dues. When she reaches the top, she will always acknowledge the other folks who helped her get there, and will be thankful for the lucky breaks she got along the way.
Some people have a false pride that inhibits them from doing what it takes to build that tower that will pierce the sky. They won't lower themselves to grubby tasks. It's just too humiliating. These people are not great. They miss the entire point of greatness, which is simply this. To go up, you must first go down.
Susan
All great people have some things in common. The truly great person is self-aware. He is humble, meaning that he knows where his talents lie and he also knows his limitations. He seeks out help and advice when needed. He is a leader, but he has no problem following the right people. He doesn't surround himself with bobbleheads who will always nod in agreement. The great person has no problem being challenged. He avoids tunnel vision by welcoming the perspective and opinions of others. He has no problem rolling up his sleeves and doing the dirty work, but he also knows how to delegate. He assembles a group of the brightest and the best, but avoids micromanaging them. He can do this because he's not at all intimidated by other great people.
I once worked for a woman who was great. She was the first one in the office in the morning, and the last one to leave at night. She modeled hard work and dedication. I trusted her because she knew the workings of our department inside and out, and I respected her because of her work ethic. I gave her 110% percent every day because her leadership inspired me to be the best possible follower.
Great people make great things happen. Once a dream begins to unfold, it often brings with it an opportunity to show humility. It's not humiliation; there is a difference. The truly great person is willing to make sacrifices to see her dream realized. She has no problem living simply, doing without some luxuries, waiting tables or sweeping floors. No illusions of grandeur occupy her mind, because she has a clear understanding of what it takes to succeed. She is determined and will not be denied. The dream is such a part of the fabric of her being that she is more than willing to pay her dues. When she reaches the top, she will always acknowledge the other folks who helped her get there, and will be thankful for the lucky breaks she got along the way.
Some people have a false pride that inhibits them from doing what it takes to build that tower that will pierce the sky. They won't lower themselves to grubby tasks. It's just too humiliating. These people are not great. They miss the entire point of greatness, which is simply this. To go up, you must first go down.
Susan
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Trivial Pursuit
"A weak mind is like a microscope, which magnifies trifling things, and cannot receive great ones." Lord Chesterfield
I always know when he is doing some house cleaning. I open my email and see several from him, and all the subject lines start with "Fwd:" Jokes, dire warnings, tear jerking stories, pictures of adorable bunnies, kittens and puppies. Then there's the 21st century version of the chain letter. Send your favorite recipe to ten people within the hour and your greatest wish will be granted. I joked with him about it, and now it's escalated. I imagine him cleaning out his inbox and chuckling as he forwards this stuff to me, having a little fun at my expense.
Now I adore fluffy kittens just as much as the next person, and I've never been one to turn down a new recipe. But let's get serious. If you're not carefully organized, you can find that your inbox is so flooded with junk that you miss the emails that truly are important.
Trivia can really clog up our thought life as well. We make too much out of the daily annoyances. We take offense at a comment that was not intended that way, magnifying it way out of proportion. Then there's the careless driver who cuts us off in traffic. She probably never even saw us, but instead of patting ourselves on the back for driving defensively, we fuss and fume over that. We hear some gossip and talk and think about something that frankly is not even any of our business. We become overly invested in the lives of celebrities we have never met. And don't even get me started on how the person who bags the groceries always seems to put the bread in the bottom of the bag. Distracted and agitated, we don't have the time or calm energy to quietly meditate or pray. To listen to some inspiring music, to read something worthwhile. To paint or write a poem, to create something delicious in the kitchen. To have a positive conversation about something other than the weather.
Our minds are such marvelous things, and our thoughts can enrich our lives and the lives of those around us. But not if we are caught up in the pursuit of trivia.
Susan
I always know when he is doing some house cleaning. I open my email and see several from him, and all the subject lines start with "Fwd:" Jokes, dire warnings, tear jerking stories, pictures of adorable bunnies, kittens and puppies. Then there's the 21st century version of the chain letter. Send your favorite recipe to ten people within the hour and your greatest wish will be granted. I joked with him about it, and now it's escalated. I imagine him cleaning out his inbox and chuckling as he forwards this stuff to me, having a little fun at my expense.
Now I adore fluffy kittens just as much as the next person, and I've never been one to turn down a new recipe. But let's get serious. If you're not carefully organized, you can find that your inbox is so flooded with junk that you miss the emails that truly are important.
Trivia can really clog up our thought life as well. We make too much out of the daily annoyances. We take offense at a comment that was not intended that way, magnifying it way out of proportion. Then there's the careless driver who cuts us off in traffic. She probably never even saw us, but instead of patting ourselves on the back for driving defensively, we fuss and fume over that. We hear some gossip and talk and think about something that frankly is not even any of our business. We become overly invested in the lives of celebrities we have never met. And don't even get me started on how the person who bags the groceries always seems to put the bread in the bottom of the bag. Distracted and agitated, we don't have the time or calm energy to quietly meditate or pray. To listen to some inspiring music, to read something worthwhile. To paint or write a poem, to create something delicious in the kitchen. To have a positive conversation about something other than the weather.
Our minds are such marvelous things, and our thoughts can enrich our lives and the lives of those around us. But not if we are caught up in the pursuit of trivia.
Susan
Monday, March 7, 2011
Show and Tell
"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou
His supervisor seemed to dislike him right off the bat. He was hired by someone higher up in the company, and for whatever reason he and his new boss just did not hit it off. "He really has it in for me," is what he told me as he enumerated some of the fault-finding that was going on.
Is it human nature that when we dislike someone, we look for all kinds of things to support our theory? The reverse is also true. Once we decide we like or love a person, it's almost like our pride is at stake and we want our good judgment validated. So we look for the good stuff and ignore the bad, to our own peril.
Time and time again I have heard honest people look back on a failed friendship, business relationship or marriage. With the 20/20 vision of hindsight, they will say that they saw the first sign that something was terribly wrong very early on, but ignored it.
Don Draper, a character in my favorite television show "Mad Men" said it best. "People tell us who they are and we ignore it, because we want them to be who we want them to be."
Susan
His supervisor seemed to dislike him right off the bat. He was hired by someone higher up in the company, and for whatever reason he and his new boss just did not hit it off. "He really has it in for me," is what he told me as he enumerated some of the fault-finding that was going on.
Is it human nature that when we dislike someone, we look for all kinds of things to support our theory? The reverse is also true. Once we decide we like or love a person, it's almost like our pride is at stake and we want our good judgment validated. So we look for the good stuff and ignore the bad, to our own peril.
Time and time again I have heard honest people look back on a failed friendship, business relationship or marriage. With the 20/20 vision of hindsight, they will say that they saw the first sign that something was terribly wrong very early on, but ignored it.
Don Draper, a character in my favorite television show "Mad Men" said it best. "People tell us who they are and we ignore it, because we want them to be who we want them to be."
Susan
To Pink and Back
(Friend and fellow blogger Loudmouth Birdie told me I should write a post titled "To Pink and Back." So I did. Thanks, Birdie!)
I drive a pink VW Beetle. Like her owner, Pink is a girly girl. But she's not just a pretty face. She's safe and strong, can parallel park like nobody's business, and gets great gas mileage. I obey the speed limits, but if you challenged Pink and me to a race, you'd lose because she is a turbo. Super fast! Upon meeting Pink for the first time, a friend exclaimed, "That car looks just like you!" I take that as a compliment.
I negotiated to get the price I wanted for Pink. I have no problem stating what I want. I could have walked away from the deal at any time. I can be tough when the situation calls for it. On more than one occasion I have been told I think like a man. I take that as a compliment.
When I was born in 1958, gender roles were pretty rigid. Blue was for boys and pink was for girls. Women stayed in the home and men went out to work. Then a little something called equal pay for equal work became law, bras were burned, men were blamed for way more than they were guilty of, women flooded the workplace, feeling compelled to dress like men and act like men. It was a little crazy for a while.
My older son is a stay-at-home dad. We live in a world that allows him that wonderful experience. It's likely dads of previous generations would have enjoyed spending more time with the kids, but society told them that real men don't do that. His wife is the sole breadwinner, but that in no way diminishes her as a mom and as a woman. He does a wonderful job nurturing the kids, but that doesn't make him less of a man. I think it makes him more of one.
The pendulum swung from one extreme to another, and is now back in the middle. A place of sanity, where men can be men and women can be women. But mostly, where we can all just be human.
Susan
I drive a pink VW Beetle. Like her owner, Pink is a girly girl. But she's not just a pretty face. She's safe and strong, can parallel park like nobody's business, and gets great gas mileage. I obey the speed limits, but if you challenged Pink and me to a race, you'd lose because she is a turbo. Super fast! Upon meeting Pink for the first time, a friend exclaimed, "That car looks just like you!" I take that as a compliment.
I negotiated to get the price I wanted for Pink. I have no problem stating what I want. I could have walked away from the deal at any time. I can be tough when the situation calls for it. On more than one occasion I have been told I think like a man. I take that as a compliment.
When I was born in 1958, gender roles were pretty rigid. Blue was for boys and pink was for girls. Women stayed in the home and men went out to work. Then a little something called equal pay for equal work became law, bras were burned, men were blamed for way more than they were guilty of, women flooded the workplace, feeling compelled to dress like men and act like men. It was a little crazy for a while.
My older son is a stay-at-home dad. We live in a world that allows him that wonderful experience. It's likely dads of previous generations would have enjoyed spending more time with the kids, but society told them that real men don't do that. His wife is the sole breadwinner, but that in no way diminishes her as a mom and as a woman. He does a wonderful job nurturing the kids, but that doesn't make him less of a man. I think it makes him more of one.
The pendulum swung from one extreme to another, and is now back in the middle. A place of sanity, where men can be men and women can be women. But mostly, where we can all just be human.
Susan
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Emergency Exit
He told of a family trip to Disneyland when he was a boy. One of his brothers didn't like scary rides, but got in line with the other siblings for Space Mountain. But he never rode it, because just before it was his turn to get on, he went out the chicken exit. Those of us listening to this tale laughed because we had never heard of the emergency exit being called the chicken exit.
I have found that whenever I am ready to do something scary, there is always a chicken exit. I can dream, hope, work, and along with the opportunity to live my dream comes an opportunity to not take it. A convenient reason or excuse to not get on the ride. To turn away. When I was 24, I decided to leave my hometown and drive across the country to a new life. My penny-pinching boss at the last minute offered me a generous raise to stay. It was my chicken exit. I could have changed my mind. It was a legitimate offer, and it would have been the perfect excuse for me to stay. I was moving to a place I'd never even seen and there was no job waiting for me there. I had saved enough money to last a month once I arrived. I could have chosen the security over the unknown. I told him no thanks. My sister predicted I would be back in six months. That was 28 years ago.
Dreams are personal to the extreme. There is no bigger, stronger person who will force me against my will to get on the ride. I can take the chicken exit if I want. It's right there. Obvious with its large red letters, "EMERGENCY EXIT." It's the easy way out, a last-minute test of the will and a question. Do I really want to live my dream? I think if I don't chicken out at that point, it just may be that I have what it takes to make that dream come true.
Glancing at the exit, stomach queasy and knees weak, I get on the ride.
Susan
I have found that whenever I am ready to do something scary, there is always a chicken exit. I can dream, hope, work, and along with the opportunity to live my dream comes an opportunity to not take it. A convenient reason or excuse to not get on the ride. To turn away. When I was 24, I decided to leave my hometown and drive across the country to a new life. My penny-pinching boss at the last minute offered me a generous raise to stay. It was my chicken exit. I could have changed my mind. It was a legitimate offer, and it would have been the perfect excuse for me to stay. I was moving to a place I'd never even seen and there was no job waiting for me there. I had saved enough money to last a month once I arrived. I could have chosen the security over the unknown. I told him no thanks. My sister predicted I would be back in six months. That was 28 years ago.
Dreams are personal to the extreme. There is no bigger, stronger person who will force me against my will to get on the ride. I can take the chicken exit if I want. It's right there. Obvious with its large red letters, "EMERGENCY EXIT." It's the easy way out, a last-minute test of the will and a question. Do I really want to live my dream? I think if I don't chicken out at that point, it just may be that I have what it takes to make that dream come true.
Glancing at the exit, stomach queasy and knees weak, I get on the ride.
Susan
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Checking Your Bags
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past." Lily Tomlin
One of the recent changes to air travel is that most airlines charge fees for checked bags. I was amused the last time I flew, because passengers tried to skirt around this by attempting to carry on big bags. But the airline was on to that. As we stood in line to board at the gate, an announcement over the intercom warned us that those bags would have to be checked. They gave us time so passengers could get their reading glasses or medications, things they really needed for the journey, out of the bags before they had to hand them over. In a matter-of-fact way, airline personnel walked down the line with tags in hand, smiling professionally and offering reassuring words. But it was very clear. If you wanted to board the flight, you would have to check those bags.
How we love to hold on to our stuff. We all carry around some baggage. No way can you reach adulthood without some bad experiences holding you back and holding you down. Some have more baggage than others. Some of us hold on to our bags with white knuckles, daring the world to pry it out of our hands.
A friend asks you to accompany her to a new exercise class. She tells you it's really fun. You open your baggage and look around. "I was always the last one chosen for dodgeball. I'm not athletic. People might laugh at me. Besides, I hate to exercise." You don't get that job you applied for, and you dejectedly pull that big suitcase out. "Anytime I put myself out there I always get slapped down. Why even try?" You feel rejected, but at the same time there is some kind of sick satisfaction you find in being right once again. Someone says something rude to you that smarts, and you rummage around your bag. There it is! You knew it was in there somewhere. "My father always spoke to me that way," you think.
To me, forgiveness is not about pretending it didn't happen, pretending it wasn't wrong, pretending it didn't hurt you, pretending other people are actually sorry for what they did. It's about going through your baggage and seeing what's there, and then letting it go. Easier said than done, I know. The help of a therapist can be invaluable in this process. It might take you some time to loosen that death grip you have on your baggage. No one will pry your fingers off your bag. You have to willingly give it up.
But I have some great news for you. The flight is ready to take off! You won't be on it unless you let go of that baggage. Do you actually want to go on that journey? Do you really want to fly, to soar high above those beautiful clouds to an exciting new destination? Then you know what to do. But the choice is yours.
Susan
One of the recent changes to air travel is that most airlines charge fees for checked bags. I was amused the last time I flew, because passengers tried to skirt around this by attempting to carry on big bags. But the airline was on to that. As we stood in line to board at the gate, an announcement over the intercom warned us that those bags would have to be checked. They gave us time so passengers could get their reading glasses or medications, things they really needed for the journey, out of the bags before they had to hand them over. In a matter-of-fact way, airline personnel walked down the line with tags in hand, smiling professionally and offering reassuring words. But it was very clear. If you wanted to board the flight, you would have to check those bags.
How we love to hold on to our stuff. We all carry around some baggage. No way can you reach adulthood without some bad experiences holding you back and holding you down. Some have more baggage than others. Some of us hold on to our bags with white knuckles, daring the world to pry it out of our hands.
A friend asks you to accompany her to a new exercise class. She tells you it's really fun. You open your baggage and look around. "I was always the last one chosen for dodgeball. I'm not athletic. People might laugh at me. Besides, I hate to exercise." You don't get that job you applied for, and you dejectedly pull that big suitcase out. "Anytime I put myself out there I always get slapped down. Why even try?" You feel rejected, but at the same time there is some kind of sick satisfaction you find in being right once again. Someone says something rude to you that smarts, and you rummage around your bag. There it is! You knew it was in there somewhere. "My father always spoke to me that way," you think.
To me, forgiveness is not about pretending it didn't happen, pretending it wasn't wrong, pretending it didn't hurt you, pretending other people are actually sorry for what they did. It's about going through your baggage and seeing what's there, and then letting it go. Easier said than done, I know. The help of a therapist can be invaluable in this process. It might take you some time to loosen that death grip you have on your baggage. No one will pry your fingers off your bag. You have to willingly give it up.
But I have some great news for you. The flight is ready to take off! You won't be on it unless you let go of that baggage. Do you actually want to go on that journey? Do you really want to fly, to soar high above those beautiful clouds to an exciting new destination? Then you know what to do. But the choice is yours.
Susan
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