It's All Just Stuff

"The best things in life are not things." Art Buchwald

I try to limit the stuff I buy my grandkids. Birthdays and Christmas, most definitely. Occasionally I will send them a little something in the mail. They love mail! I don't want our relationship to be about materialism. When my granddaughter was 5, she went through that stage (much to her parents' chagrin) where she would ask, "Did you bring me anything?" One day when she did that with me, I replied. "No. I am your present!" Then I stretched out my arms in "ta-da" fashion. She and her older sister laughed at that one.

Anyone who has ever downsized knows what it's like to evaluate your possessions. You keep what is practical; those things you will actually use. Then there are the things that have sentimental value that you would never part with. The rest could be sold, given away or donated to charity. Why not allow someone else to have the benefit of the stuff you don't need anyway?

I was recently at the home of my son and daughter-in-law for my birthday. My 8-year-old granddaughter asked me, "Isn't it the best birthday present of all to spend time with us?" Yes. It certainly was.

Susan

Hoping Against Hope

"Hope begins in the dark; the stubborn hope that if you just show up and do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." Anne Lamott

Hope stands at her bedroom window dressed in a beautiful, flowing white nightgown. She peers out into the clear, dark sky and wishes on a star. How beautiful. Now Hope needs to get a good night's sleep, for tomorrow morning she will need to get out of bed, put on her work clothes and eat a good breakfast. There is much to do!

A friend was talking to a few of us about an ongoing health issue. She has exhausted most of the traditional treatments. There is an unconventional remedy which has proved to be successful for many, but it's not covered by health insurance. The cost is way beyond what my friend can pay. There would be no guarantee it would help her, but for now it's not even an option. I felt so sad for her, and the atmosphere in the room became so oppressive, and then I thought, "Enough!" I said that there must be a solution, there has to be a way, couldn't we raise the money, have a bake sale! Another friend suggested a spaghetti dinner and the conversation got a little more light-hearted. We were all able to laugh, which always helps diffuse the tension. But I wasn't kidding. There has to be a way.

Every day I meditate on those I love. My friend is one of those people. I envision her completely whole physically. I know the odds are stacked against her and that sometimes she is afraid to get her hopes up. So I hope on her behalf. I just dig in my heels and believe. I'm not taking no for an answer.

Susan

Now or Later

"Either you deal with what is the reality, or you can be sure that the reality is going to deal with you." Alex Haley

The real world is so distasteful at times. It just makes you want to go ostrich. We don't want to face something, so we pretend it doesn't exist. Someone tries to talk to us about it and we put our fingers in our ears and yell, "La la la la la, I can't hear you!" Yeah. Very mature. I have done that a few times, and in every case I only made matters worse for myself.

When you have a problem, attack it instead of allowing it to attack you. Face it early and with eyes wide open. Oh yes. It is ugly. It is not pleasant. But you need to see it for what it is, in order to develop a strategy for dealing with it.

You know what they say in football. The best defense is a good offense. So go after it. Now. Before it gets you.

Susan

Go With the Flow

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." Anaïs Nin

I was reading some beauty tips and got a chuckle out of some of them. My favorite was the one that cautioned us not to sleep on our stomachs. It causes wrinkles. The human head weighs between 7-8 pounds and that is a lot of pressure to put on your face every night. One of the tips that made sense was this: As you get older, keep your wardrobe, hair style and make up current. I think this one was good. You don't want to get back to your desk after lunch and find a note that says, "1985 called and wants its hair back."

This process of becoming is an exciting one, if we just go with it and flow with it. It's great to know that as long as we are alive, we can grow and change and learn, as we are on our way to becoming all that we can be.

Susan

Post #100

There must be at least 100 ways to tell people you love them. The most obvious is to say it. It needs to be said. I grew up in a family where it was not. It did not come naturally for me to say it, maybe because I was not practiced at it. But I learned and now I am good at saying, "I love you."

You can say it in person, phone it in, snail mail it, email it, text it, IM it, Facebook it, MySpace it, skywrite it, write it on sticky notes and put them EVERYWHERE. But it needs to be said. Three little words. I. LOVE. YOU.

We can't just give it lip service. Talk is cheap, and when we love someone, we naturally back it up with our actions and attitudes in 100 different ways.

But we need to say it. Three little words. Say them today.

Susan

Pretzel Logic

"What's frustrating about being disliked is that it's invariably for the wrong reason." Robert Brault

I approach life assuming that people like me. I don't look for hidden agendas or conspiracy theories, and if I hear folks whispering, I don't think it's about me. If someone says or does something hurtful, I try not to take it personally. I figure if they have a problem with me, they will tell me about it. If I know I've done something wrong, I try to be quick to admit it and apologize. I work at not being defensive. I am a kind person at heart, and I attempt to be pleasant.I have an aversion to drama, so as much as I possibly can, I try to be at peace with everyone.

I know what it is to pretzel yourself into something you're not to conform to someone's image of what you should be. I lived that way for far too long. I don't do that anymore. A Facebook friend's status said, "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."

There are times in life when we need to take a stand. When we need to draw a line. When we need to tell someone something they don't want to hear. When we need to do the right thing, even if we are the only one attempting to do it. Let that be the reason folks dislike us. I love to eat pretzels (especially those big, hot, soft ones.) But I won't be one. Not anymore.

Susan

My Day, My World

"Be careful how you interpret the world: it is like that." Erich Heller

It's early morning. Cool, but the day promises to be a scorcher. The birds are singing, and my neighborhood appears to still be asleep. That's as it should be. It's Saturday morning, after all.

Today I won't just have a good day; I will make it a good day. I will walk through this day knowing that just like me, other people are inherently good. I won't leave my purse sitting around, but my heart will be open and trusting. I will go to my job, knowing that all honest work is honorable. I will mean what I say and say what I mean, but I will frame my honesty with kindness. Perhaps the smile that I offer will be the only goodness that someone will experience today. Whatever happens, I can handle it with grace and humor. And if I need some help or support, I will ask for it. I will listen to some music and read something profound and laugh at least once today. I will spend some time quietly meditating on those people I love. If a sad thought crosses my mind today, I won't chase it away, but I won't dwell on it for too long. If things don't go my way today, I won't take it as some personal insult from the universe. Today is my day.

Susan

First Class and No Class

She has always been, for as long as I have known her, a classy kind of person. Her mother and older sister would scornfully comment that she was on her "high horse." This went on through childhood and even when she was an adult. One day she decided to put an end to it. When the high horse comment came up again, she looked at the two and quietly, calmly said, "Yes. I am on my high horse. And he has a name. It is Class." And that was that. Neither one of them ever used that phrase again.

For several years, I was a guest at the annual Christmas party of a business associate. Her home was beautifully decorated. She was talented in the kitchen, so the food was always fabulous. She never appeared exhausted or flustered, but always enjoyed herself. Her parties were spectacular, but you never got the impression she was trying to knock anyone's socks off. She made it all seem so natural. All of her guests were comfortable because the hostess was comfortable.

There was another woman who also attended these parties. I don't know what horse this gal rode in on, but its name was definitely not Class. She made catty comments and dished the dirt. She, the hostess and myself were talking about our respective plans for the holidays. The hostess said her son was out of state visiting his father over Christmas break. The other woman whose horse was not named Class snorted and said, "Oh, don't you just love it when they try to play daddy?" The hostess smiled slightly and said, "My SON'S FATHER is a very good man." She paused, then artfully changed the subject. Her facial expression, her emphasis on the two operative words, her inflection, the way she paused for effect, were all perfect. She put this woman in her place without putting her down.

There are two kinds of class. First class and no class.

Susan

Wisdom

"A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying that he is wiser today than he was yesterday." Alexander Pope

If we are living and learning and growing, it's a given that we are going to change our minds about some things and our opinions about some others. I respect people who can admit when they are wrong. It says a lot about your character when you can do that.

When my kids were in elementary school, one of the neighborhood moms became upset with her son for something and grounded him. Then she cooled down a bit and thought about it. She concluded that she had been having a bad day and overreacted to what he had done, and the consequence was unwarranted. She went to him and apologized for being so harsh with him and told him he was not grounded. She told him she had made a mistake and wanted to make it right. Wow. I think some parents who had second thoughts would tell the children the punishment was over, but wouldn't admit they had been wrong and wouldn't have said they were sorry. I really admired this woman for the way she handled it. I imagine her son already knew he was being treated unfairly, and she sent a powerful message when she admitted it.

None of us is perfect, and the longer we live the more we see that there is much to learn. It is the truly wise person who can see where they went wrong and do something about it.

Susan

Follow the Leader

"It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse." Adlai Stevenson

When we were raising our kids, their dad would sometimes say that parenting is an art, not a science. And isn't that the truth? When it comes to moms and dads, you have the nursers, the bottle feeders, the stay-at-homes, the work-from-homes, the screamers, the spankers, the negotiators, on and on it goes. As a parent, you must be a confident leader. You understand that you are the mother, and you behave like one. Your attitude and demeanor go a long way in setting the tone in your home and in your family. Please, feel free to read all the books and get all the advice and participate in all the discussions on parenting. But first and foremost have the confidence to know that these are your children and you have what it takes to lead them to adulthood. Then begin to do that.

Everything does really rise and fall on leadership. It's not being cocky or arrogant or thinking the people you lead are stupid. It's all about the confidence. In who you are and in what you intend to do.

Susan

Settling

"Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable." Franz Kafka

It seems that our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses. If you have a profound sense of gratitude about your life, if you find joy in even the smallest things, you will undoubtedly be a happy person. But the other side of that coin is that you may be a little too willing to settle. In human relationships, we tend to get what we tolerate. We accept a few crumbs here and there, when we deserve the whole cake. I think it's a mistake to be so thankful for the little things, that you don't demand the big things, the things that really matter.

A healthy sense of self gives you a balance. You put a lot into your relationships with those closest to you, and you expect a lot from them, too. You are more than willing to work out some compromises, but there are a few things that are simply non-negotiable. If I don't respect myself, how can I expect other people to respect me?

Susan

Delighted To Be Here

When I was 16, my 24-year-old cousin was diagnosed with a terminal illness and three weeks later he was dead. It was the first time in my life where I was touched by the death of a young person. I have attended many funerals since then, but that was by the far the most heart wrenching. His young wife losing her husband while they were still practically newlyweds. My aunt and uncle, just in their 40's themselves, saying good-bye to their only child.

I once worked for a woman who made no bones about the fact she hated her job. Often when she came in to work in the morning, if someone said hello and asked how she was, she would smile and answer, "Delighted to be here." She meant it with her tongue in cheek, and who among us has not been less than thrilled over a new work day? Same old, same old.

I woke up this morning! And since you are reading this, you must have done the same. There are some folks who are not so lucky. As for me, I am delighted to be here.

Susan

Getting Even

"He that studieth revenge keepeth his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well." John Milton

A Facebook friend's status said, "I am gonna laugh when karma punches you in the face." It is natural to want to retaliate when someone hurts us. I guess some people refrain from exacting revenge themselves, but they wish that karma/the universe/God/fate will somehow get the person who wronged them.

I believe, that as a general rule, what goes around eventually comes around. Sow bad behavior and you will reap an unpleasant harvest. And while it is good not to take matters into your own hands, is it that much of an improvement to spend your time and energy hoping that something awful will happen to the person who hurt you? Your hurt (however justified) needs to heal, and you can participate in that process or hinder it with dreams of revenge.

Susan

Tzdaka

"That best portion of a man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love." William Wordsworth

I had parked my car in a lot with parking meters. After I got out of my car and put coins in the meter, I noticed an older woman walking around the lot. She would look at a meter, and either walk on to the next one, or put money in it. I figured out that she was putting money in the meters that were close to expiring. What a cool thing to do! Imagine being stressed that you were running late and the meter had run out, dreading the ticket on your windshield. Then you get to your car and discover that you still have time on the meter. Wouldn't that just make your day?

In the Jewish faith, the highest form of giving is tzdaka, anonymous charity to unknown recipients. When was the last time you gave something to someone you didn't know, expecting nothing in return?

Susan

Nobody's Perfect

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor." Anne Lamott

Anything worth doing is worth doing well. We should take pride in our work. We should give our best effort. I want any surgeon working on me to be a perfectionist! However, some people take it to an extreme, and those folks need to reach the conclusion that sometimes "good enough" is enough.

Some perfectionists take forever to complete a task because they are so focused on doing it perfectly. Procrastination and perfectionism can also go hand in hand. Putting something off until you can do it perfectly causes you to miss deadlines. Trying to be perfect can take a lot of joy out of life, if you sit out the volleyball game at the picnic because you aren't a world class athlete.

Some people seem hard wired this way. But one perfectionist I know told me when he was a child, nothing he ever did was good enough for his dad. His father died many years ago, but this man still allows those old tapes to play over and over in his head.

Why be so hard on yourself? You know, just between you and me, "perfect" does not really exist. So why not give yourself a break and just be good enough.

Susan

A New Chapter

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning." Louis L'Amour

Many women my age are struggling with the empty nest. It is a big adjustment. If you have done well, you sort of work your way out of a job. I know some women whose children are in their 20's or even older, but they still are trying to raise them. Nagging them, telling them what to do, questioning their choices. We really need to let go of that, girls. That part of your role as a mother is over, and if you didn't do a good job, I hate to be the one to tell you, but it's too late. It is finished.

But a new chapter has begun, and it is the best one yet! Here is this young adult person. He (or she) has his own life. His own thoughts and insights. His own opinions. He doesn't do things the same way you did, and that is a good thing. He has a mind of his own. He doesn't need you the way he used to, but you are far from obsolete. No matter how old we are, we always need our moms. In this brand new chapter, if you are very lucky, you can be his mom and his friend. It doesn't get any better than that.

Susan

Pity Party

"The proud, the cold, untroubled heart of stone, that never mused on sorrow but its own." Thomas Campbell

I have noticed that the people who throw the grandest pity parties for themselves have difficulty understanding that other people hurt, too. They are too busy blowing up the gray balloons and hanging the gray streamers to notice that the world is full of people who are struggling, many of them much worse than themselves. They may have enough manners to ask how you are, but it would be best if you just lied and said, "Fine," because they really don't want to hear it.

Are you ill? Well, they are sicker. Are you having a tough time financially? They are poorer. It's a sad game of one-upsmanship where they always win, but actually they lose.

Anyone suffering from depression needs the help of a doctor. And there are those people who actually lack empathy. But for those who have become self-absorbed, the solution is simple. (Not easy, but simple.) Pop the pity party balloons, put the streamers in the trash, and get out of the house. Look around you. Volunteer in the community. Make a difference in someone else's life. Bake some cupcakes for a friend. But frost them in a color other than gray.

Susan

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I sometimes hear people say they hate to exercise. Maybe we need to get away from the word "exercise" and think of it as moving and breathing. A slow, short, easy walk is better than no exercise at all. You don't need to pay a membership fee or buy any special clothes or equipment. And starting out walking slowly is a good way to make sure you won't get injured and sidelined. There are so many ways to move and breathe that surely even those who have always hated exercise could find a way to do it. I have a friend with a bad knee. She swims several times a week; no strain on her knees in the water. Another friend who suffers from fibromyalgia goes to a stretch class, and it has helped her pain immensely. A man who lives in a cold climate drives to the local mall early in the morning and walks inside with some friends. Another man plays in a recreational basketball league. I arrive at my dance/exercise class five minutes early to stretch, something I didn't need to do ten years ago. But it helps me avoid injury. Whatever the physical limitations, you can still find a way to move and breathe.

The physical health benefits of taking care of your body are obvious. But it is a proven fact that exercise elevates the mood and can help alleviate stress. Those endorphins kick in and we feel better. We tend to take shallow breaths when we are under stress, and when we exercise we breathe deeply.

Moving and breathing. It's as simple as that.

Susan