Step by Step

"If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's called your path." Joseph Campbell

She was second guessing herself, wondering aloud if her decision to move out of the area was the "right" thing to do; if her destination was the "right" place for her. A preacher's kid, she was raised in a rigid religion where things were either "right" or wrong. The path had been laid out even before her birth, and she was expected to walk it.

I guess there is comfort for some in walking someone else's path. It's already there, so you don't have to work hard or muster any creativity to make it happen. Point A to Point B, map included so you make no missteps. One foot in front of the other, you plod along, and if you happen to be miserable, you can console yourself that at least you're on the "right" path. If you mess up, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong; you were just following the map like a good girl. If you come to a complete halt, no problem because the path is still here. You have zero accountability.

Creating your own unique journey in life is something completely different. There is no "right" or wrong, because the path is whatever you make it to be. Your step is light, because you aren't carrying the heavy burden of other people's expectations. At times you might skip over there, explore around over here, and since there is no map it could be that you aren't even completely sure of your final destination. If you stop dead in your tracks, there is no path until you begin walking again and create it with each new step. You have 100% accountability.

Is there really a choice when you look at it that way? It's not a choice between "right" or wrong. It's a choice between misery and joy; and I don't know about you, but I'll take the latter every time.

Susan

The Little Things

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize that they were the big things." Robert Brault

Outside our window is a hanging bird feeder. It doesn't cost much to keep it going, just a few dollars and a little effort on our part. This morning there were two little finches enjoying the seeds, and roommate/friend/fellow blogger Loudmouth Birdie (www.loudmouthbirdie.com) remarked about the enjoyment she gets from the birds. She said that as she gets older, she realizes how important those little things in life really are.

Do we have it all mixed up? Are the big things really the little things and the little things the big things? Maybe so.

Susan

No Excuse

"An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason." C. S. Lewis

There is some research that shows that 90% of child abusers were at one time victims themselves. I have seen a need with people who were hurt by their parents to understand, to see the monster as a human being. There are certainly factors that may play into it. It could be that your abuser had a drug or alcohol problem, a mental illness, financial pressures, a troubled marriage, or a myriad of other stuff going on. Learning how damaged your abuser was helps you truly know that it was him and not you. Not your fault. It may lessen your bitterness to understand him. I guess we want to make sense out of what is essentially a senseless horror, a parent hurting his own child.

Whatever might have been going on in your abuser's life, it doesn't really matter because abuse is always wrong. Neglect or physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse is always wrong. The betrayal of a child's love, the irreplaceable loss of a child's innocence, is always wrong.

You need to be so careful in acknowledging your abuser's humanity that you don't feel too sorry for him or make any excuses for him. What he did to you was wrong. It always will be. He deserves no pity. He has no excuse.

Susan

The Job Interview

"You're an INTJ," she proclaimed, glancing over my paperwork. I smiled and agreed. Now I didn't tell her this, but it was not the first time in my life I had taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test."You're pretty outgoing," she said, her eyes narrowing slightly. Of course I'm outgoing, I thought, I need to be on a job interview. If she knew I was thinking that, she would have been convinced I really am an INTJ. We are a rare breed, I have learned. It is purported that less than 1% of females are INTJ's. Perhaps that is why the interviewer seemed suspicious. It is entirely possible that I was the first female of my species that she had ever encountered. I am in excellent company. My INTJ sisters include Jane Austen, Hillary Clinton and Susan B. Anthony.

What can I say? In the words of Popeye the Sailor Man, I am what I am. Zodiacally speaking, I am a Cancer, but with a July 20 birthday I'm on the cusp, and I have quite a few Leo traits. I am a Lunar Virgo with Sagitarrius rising. My love language is Physical Affection. A Facebook quiz, "Which Star Wars Character Are You?" told me I was Luke Skywalker. Pretty cool.

We human beings are interesting, because you know what? As soon as I think I understand something about myself, something else comes up that throws me for a loop. And the interview? That was a few years ago, and I didn't get the job. INTJ discrimination, if you ask me. But the Myers-Briggs test is fun, and you can take it online.

Susan

P.S. I have recently (November 2012) had two people suggest I am an INFP. Maybe it's time to take that test again.

Don't Cry Out Loud

Her guests were sitting in the living room before lunch. She stepped outside to get food off the grill, tripped over the dog's water bowl, and fell, landing on both knees. While not seriously injured, it hurt like the dickens and she was about to burst into tears. But she didn't, because she was embarrassed to cry in front of her visitors. So she brushed herself off, happy to be wearing slacks instead of shorts, painted on a smile and walked back into the house to serve lunch.

As they were cleaning up later, her husband noticed the overturned bowl and wondered aloud about it. She told him the story. After checking her knees and giving her some aspirin and sympathy, he said, "That is what it feels like to be a man. You want to cry but you're too embarrassed."

My friend has cried in front of me a number of times over the years. I guess she has a comfort and trust level with me that makes it feel okay to her. It must be awful to never have that, to never be able to express your honest feelings or shed some tears. Her husband was raised in the 1950's and 60's when society definitely discouraged boys from crying. I'd like to think we're more evolved now, but I've seen it and overheard it recently. Little boys today are still being told to take it like a man. Be a big boy. Don't cry.

Male or female, we all hurt. We all experience pain. We should all be able to express that honestly and openly, with no shame and no embarrassment.

Susan

Judging the Universe

"I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe." Dalai Lama

I have this funny mental picture of myself, sitting crosslegged on top of a high mountain peak, judging the universe. Occasionally I tighten my mouth and shake my head back and forth in disapproval.

Sometimes we want something so badly and have hoped for it for so long, that we get to the point where we don't want to "get our hopes up." We try to be cautiously optimistic, to not set high expectations. What do we fear? That it won't turn out the way we hoped. But is that the real fear? Oh, then. It must be the disappointment that we fear. Is that it, really? I think what we are afraid of is that we will be unable to handle the disappointment; that it will crush us and take away our heart. It's kind of sad that we have so little confidence in our ability to handle the ups and downs of daily living.

We have so much personal power to create the kind of life we want, but realistically there are some things out of our control. Other people create the kind of lives they want, and as much as we may want something for them, as much as it seems obvious what they need to do, they are the ones who have to make it happen. So if the outcome is completely out of your hands, what difference does it make if you hope or not? If hope is a positive thing (and it is) and you want to hope (you know you do) then go ahead and hope! Certainly all that good energy you are sending out when you hope will bounce back to you eventually, even if the outcome of a particular situation is not what you want. I think you can handle the disappointment. It will sting a bit and maybe you will even feel a little foolish for having been such a Pollyanna, but sooner or later (sooner I hope) you will get up and brush yourself off and begin again. You'll continue walking down the road, and before you know it, that old spring will be back in your step. Because you hoped.

Susan

If the Shoe Fits

A comfortable, low heeled, closed toe shoe is just what I need for my new job. So I dug the one pair that fits this description out of the closet. It had been a while since I had worn them, and they were even uglier than I remembered.

They went in the trash. If an item is in good condition, I usually donate it. The heels were sort of worn down, but more than that, the idea of passing along all that ugliness to someone else made me feel sad. I will shop for a new pair of shoes, comfortable, low heeled, closed toe pretty shoes.

I had purchased the ugly shoes several years ago when I was feeling bad about myself. They were also cheap, because when I bought them I believed I had to pinch every penny.

You've probably heard it said, "If the shoe fits, wear it." Well, my shoe size has not changed since I was in high school (I'm an 8.) But the ugly shoes? They just don't fit me anymore.

Susan