Spooned

I enjoy being on the floor. I would be the adult at the Christmas gathering, sitting on the floor with the kids playing Legos. At a party where there is not a lot of sitting room, I would be one of the people who sits on the floor. Sometimes younger people, to be respectful, will get up and tell me to take their place. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I would rather just sit on the floor. I have always gotten down on the floor with my dogs, sometimes lying there with them. Did you know a Labrador Retriever is so large and so sturdy that you can rest your head on him and listen to his heart beat, and he doesn't mind at all? And did you know that an Australian Shepherd who trusts you completely will allow you to spoon him and listen to him softly breathe as he sleeps, and he doesn't mind at all?

Last night I was lying in bed, on my side, tired and ready to fall asleep. I love my bed; my soft bed with beautiful red poppies on the sheets and the coziest blanket ever, and a throw that one of my dearest friends gave me many years ago as a wedding gift. I thought about spooning, snuggling together, facing the same direction. And then I realized something. When I was married, I could fall asleep comfortably if I was spooning my then-husband, my front to his back. But I was uneasy and could not fall asleep if he was spooning me, his front to my back. I never understood why. I just knew I wasn't comfortable. I wanted to be. I loved him and I crave physical touch and affection. I wanted to just let go and enjoy the warmth of his body as I drifted off to sleep. But I couldn't.

Did you know that if you wait long enough, so many things you never understood will finally dawn on you with complete clarity? That's what happened to me last night, as I realized how my body had known what my mind denied for so long. I didn't like to turn my back on him. I never felt like he "had my back," as the young people like to say when you take care of someone. I could never totally relax, wondering when the next time would be that he would explode.

I don't enjoy thinking about my former life. I had thought I had worked through so many things, talked through so many things, brought about closure and resolution. I don't consciously think about it at all, until some odd realization like this dawns on me.

Did you know that you can lie to yourself, but your body will never lie to you? And did you know that it is one thing to spoon, and another thing altogether to be spooned?

Susan