Difficult

They have celebrated their silver anniversary and have three beautiful children. He adores her, and she loves him right back. He is difficult, driven and demanding. And she handles it, and him, well. When I read Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson, and the author wrote about his wife Laurene, this other couple crossed my mind. I wrote about narcissists in Frankly, My Dear...

I think to successfully handle anyone who has narcissistic qualities (and not everyone who does is a textbook narcissist) one must be willing to go toe to toe with them. Mrs. Jobs did this, and this wife that I know in real life does as well. She is a lovely person, but if he acts like an idiot (and he does, from time to time) she tells him he is acting like one. If he tramples someone's feelings (and he does, from time to time) she tells him straight up he needs to apologize. He doesn't berate her because she stops him dead in his tracks when he does, and he backs down.

And this is precisely why I will never be married to, live with, date or even knowingly go out for coffee, with a man who has these tendencies ever again. Been there, done that. I don't want a man I have to handle. That is patronizing. I don't want a man I have to scold as if he is a little boy and I'm his mother. I don't want a man who doesn't know when to say he's sorry, who is too proud to admit he is wrong without my pointing it out.

Am I capable of calling someone out? Yes. I am and I have, when it is an absolute necessity, and I can do it without being mean. But it is not who I am, and it takes so much out of me. If, early on, when my ex-husband acted like this, I would have responded in kind, would things have been different? Maybe. Probably? I don't know because it seems to work for women like this real life wife and Laurene Jobs. But not I. Not this girl. I never did it and I never will. I am not a fighter and I am not a yeller and I so will not run the show in a relationship with a man. And I have come to realize that it is okay. It is perfectly okay for me to be who I am, and to come to understand who I want to deal with and who I don't.

I want a man I can look up to and respect. A mature adult who, while he certainly will have flaws and make mistakes like any human being, fully owns his behavior and is in control of himself. One who doesn't need to be handled. One I will never have to defend myself against.

I think it's great for women like Mrs. Jobs and this real life wife, these gals who find a way to live happily with their difficult men. It is nice for them. It's just not who I am, and I have finally figured out that is perfectly fine.

Susan