The Cold Shoulder

Today I thought about Thanksgiving 2007, one of the last Thanksgivings of my marriage. On Sunday before the holiday, my husband became upset with me. I didn't know why, and he wouldn't tell me. So he wasn't speaking to me. Wasn't looking at me. He totally ignored me. I always dreaded those times, and they happened frequently.  But this time seemed especially bad because a holiday was coming up, then to top it all off, his mother was going to be visiting us for a few days over Thanksgiving. Would he be back to "normal" by then, or would he humiliate me in front of his mother?

He didn't speak to me for six days. Six days of the excruciatingly cruel silent treatment. With his mother present. Then he began talking again. I asked him what had been wrong, and he said he didn't know. Now don't get me wrong. I am no angel, and I gave him reason to be unhappy or angry with me from time to time, but part of the confusion of our dynamic was that he often would be upset with me and claim that either it wasn't me, or that he didn't know why.

And no matter how we might be provoked, it is not all right to dish out the silent treatment, to give the cold shoulder. It is emotional abuse. I remember as the silent days would go by, I would occasionally wish that I was a different kind of person. A tougher person, a harder kind of woman, that could have him do that and it wouldn't hurt. But it did.

Certainly no one should be forced to talk if he doesn't want to, and everyone now and then needs a little space and time to process. If one is hurt, it may be hard to talk about it. And if things are becoming really heated, maybe a little cooling off is needed. A little. Minutes or hours, but not days. The first time my husband did that to me, we were dating. He said he was mad and didn't want to say something to hurt me, but in my heart I knew that wasn't true. But I went along with it, told myself I believed it, maybe because I didn't want to think the man I loved was so mean.

The silent treatment is emotional abuse, plain and simple. The cold shoulder is cruel. I am so grateful that isn't my life anymore. This is the kind of shoulder everyone should have.

"Put Your Head on My Shoulder" written by Paul Anka.

Susan