Surrender

"If you want to make someone feel emotion, you have to make them let go. Listening to something is an act of surrender." Brian Eno

Recently I wrote about my past behavior of ignoring my intuition. You can read about it here. The feeling that I knew in my gut to be true is that if I am ever to be all that I can be, I will have to have a man in my life to help me get there. I didn't like that and wanted to reject it right away.

I thought that it would be good to want a man, but I didn't want to need one. So why not? I think part of it is that while there were some very nice aspects to my marriage, for the most part it made me become who I am today through a lot of unpleasantness. Pain that I don't want to experience again.

My ex-husband did some very nice things for me, but I had needs that he could not or would not meet. When you're married, there are things that only your spouse can legitimately give you, and I was scared to need like that again. The needing almost becomes a desperation. Almost, nothing. It does become a desperation, and well I don't want to go there again. And, if I need a man for my enlightenment, to become all that I can be, that makes the stakes even higher than they were in my marriage.

So there I was. I could be less that I could be and do it my way. Or I could go forward in life and become fully actualized, but it was going to require a man. Totally my choice. I didn't rationalize it away. I didn't fight it. I just let go. And yes. I surrendered. Just let the whole idea sit there.

As the weeks went by and I just left it alone, some very remarkable things happened. First, I learned something new about myself, and that was how much I tend to resist. Being aware of it and doing the opposite, letting go, allowed me to see this part of me.

And second, well that is the best thing of all. I actually started to like the idea. Imagine that! It makes sense (and you know how I love it when things make sense) that if I had a man in my life who wanted me to become everything I could be as much as I want to become everything I could be, that it might not always be such a struggle. Maybe it would be a little easier. And maybe he could help me grow in a loving, kind way. That he would see things from a different perspective, point out where I have a blind spot or two. That he could encourage me when I need it, and call me out when I need it, and I would take it because I knew he wanted what was best for me. He could be on Team Susie. I could have a tee shirt made for him.

Seriously now. I am a very supportive and loyal person to the people I love, so why could it not be so that this hypothetical man could give me that kind of support and loyalty, too? Maybe it is time for me to get some of that back in a wonderfully karmic way.

So I guess I'm not going to be doing this alone anymore. How much longer? I have no idea. It is scary in an exciting kind of way, as if I am about to embark on the biggest adventure so far of my life. And it all came about when I just let go. When I surrendered, and listened to that little voice inside of me.

I'm still tentative about it, but I am being patient with myself. I said in that earlier post that my intuition seems to be the wisdom of the child inside of me, and in case you're wondering, Little Susie thinks it's a grand idea.

Susan