Cry

The girl I wrote about in yesterday's post, "Tough," said that her parents laugh at her when she cries when they have been mean to her. She told me that she is teaching herself not to cry. I did that, too. It only encouraged my mother if I allowed her to see how she had hurt me, and I learned not to let her make me cry.

Away from my mother, I could feel and express normal emotion, and I cried. And once I was grown and living my own life, I would cry. Years later when my marriage became worse, I began to fall back on some of my childhood defense mechanisms. I got to where I would not cry in front of my husband. I would do it while I was alone. That progressed to the point where I didn't cry even by myself. I became very stoic.

Now that I am in a much better place, I have started to cry again. It feels good, the catharsis of tears. It's like I kept my tears bottled up for a long time, and now I am leaking. I could cry, I think, in front of almost anyone. There is no shame in tears, and I have no relationships with people who would want to mock me when I cry. There is no one in my life who has the least inclination to hurt me.

A few years ago, a friend sent me this song, and said, "This is you." And she was right. It was. But not anymore. And my little friend? I hope that will never be her.

Susan

"She Never Cried In Front of Me" written by Toby Keith and Bobby Pinson