Falling

"Sometimes letting go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on." Eckhart Tolle

Letting go is a theme in my life right now. Letting go of expectations of how others should behave. Letting go of well-ingrained thought patterns and habits. Letting go of the outcome of my choices. It feels safe for me to let go, because I am in a good place in my life. I don't need to defend myself. I don't need to hang on and tough it out. And, frankly, I am tired of living that way. I have had enough. I think that sometimes I just need to get sick and tired of something before I will change it.

The other night I awoke. It was that twilight time when I'm not fully awake. I was a little cold, so I pulled up an extra blanket and put it on, and changed position to get comfortable again. I remember putting my hands under my pillow, flattening them out. I do that sometimes. When I was under a great deal of stress, I would sometimes wake and find that my hands were balled up in tight fists, and my fingers would hurt and feel stiff as I straightened them out. That hardly ever happens anymore, but I consciously flatten my hands just as a symbol to myself that I don't need to have them in fists, like a fighter, or in fists, as if I am holding tightly to something.

Before I knew it, I was dreaming of my hands being flat, and I was falling. It wasn't a scary kind of falling, although it went on and on and on. It was peaceful and almost like floating. As if falling was a good thing, and not something to fear. Perhaps I had been holding on to something, and let go. I don't know all the details, because the dream was not vivid. But I remember that it felt very, very, very good.

I don't know what that all means, but this morning on Facebook a friend had this Eckhart Tolle quote posted, and it has caused me to start thinking about the power of letting go. Sometimes we think that we must be strong and steel ourselves for life's challenges. I don't think strong is something I do; I think strong is something I am. I have nothing left to prove to myself in that department. Two of my closest friends are facing some pretty daunting challenges right now, and they aren't being strong because they need to be. They already are strong, and these incredible problems they are facing highlight the strength I have always known was there.

In books and films, we celebrate the scrappy hero, who against all odds, hangs on and fights. It makes for a great story, as we watch him rise up and conquer. No doubt in any of our lives, there will be times when it is appropriate to defend. To fight. To hang on for dear life. It takes strength to do that; yes.

But letting go? Being able to do that is a very powerful thing. Releasing my grip, my hands flattening. My body falling, falling, falling... I have never felt anything like that before. I love it. And I don't want it to be restricted to a dream. I want that. I need that.

Susan