Arguing for Your Limitations

"You take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame." Erica Jong

Do you know anyone who relishes the role of victim? They become very comfortable in their victimhood and are often experts at telling all the reasons why they can't do this and they can't do that. Their childhood, their age, their experience, their lack of experience, the weather, the economy, their spouse, their health, their ex, their own children, their education, their lack of education...the excuses abound. They are like expert trial lawyers, arguing passionately for their limitations. You might observe that they actually have a lot going for them, but don't be surprised if they become defensive when you point that out.

I am not questioning whether or not they have been victimized. That is beside the point. I know a woman in her late 20's who was sexually abused by not one, but four different friends of her family. The abuse began when she was a little girl of six. When she tried to tell her mother about it, she couldn't hear it and it is only in the past few years that her mother has started to believe her. It was not her fault. She did not bring it on herself. She was a victim in the truest sense of the world. But this courageous young woman got the therapy she needed, did the hard work involved, and she is doing great things with her life. She has chosen to interpret her experiences in a way that is very positive for herself. She was victimized, but she did not remain a victim. That is the part she could control.

Most of the issues we face are not as clear as my friend's sexual abuse. Most of our problems are caused at least in some small part by our own actions. Once I take my life in my own hands, I take ownership of every problem I have. I take responsibility for every thought, attitude, word and action. I see that I helped create the problem. Then I realize something beautiful. I also have the power to solve it.

Susan