Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you wonder, "How did I get myself into this?" Things have gone from bad to worse to intolerable and you're desperate to get out, to have it all end. It didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen in a vacuum. I think with dysfunctional or unhealthy relationships, there is a four part progression.
Number 1 is, "You've got to be kidding!" This is where you encounter customs or behaviors that seem wrong or at the very least strange. It doesn't feel right; your gut tells you so. The smart thing to do at this point would be to have a long, hard look at reality and be prepared to walk away.
If you choose not to end it at 1, that will lead to number 2. "It will be okay." You can change the dynamic, fix the other person, or it's something you can easily live with it. The good outweighs the bad, right? I mean, they have lots of wonderful qualities and you have to take the bad with the good. After all, nobody's perfect and there is no ideal set of circumstances.
Of course, it doesn't change and you fail at fixing it, but you continue on. Perhaps you're too lazy to end it. Or maybe you feel you have too much time and energy invested. So you move on to number 3. "This is my 'normal.'" At this point there is a resignation to the way things are, a miserable kind of acceptance. You just get through each day doing the best you can. You begin to be part of the problem yourself, going along to get along. Those who know you see a different person, one who has compromised who and what he is.
And finally we have denial and defense in number 4. "What do you mean it's wrong?!" You have so thoroughly assimilated yourself that you truly do not even see how far gone you are. If someone with an objective point of view comments that the emperor has no clothes, you become quite defensive. How dare they! Some live in number 4 forever. Others find themselves in so much pain that they decide to get out, but a lot of damage has already been done.
Getting used to it is not the way to live. Now there are some situations where these coping mechanisms might come in handy. If you find yourself in a concentration camp or you become a prisoner of war, you may feel the need to do whatever it takes to survive until the day you get out of that place. But for the vast majority of situations in life, you do not need to, nor should you ever just resign yourself to the fate at hand. Don't go from 1 to 2 to 3 and then to 4. Decide that you will always live in 1; that you will trust what you know to be truth and live accordingly. Trust yourself enough to know that if something feels bad, it probably is. Respect yourself enough to live life on your terms, to be the kind of person that can look himself in the mirror and like what he sees there.
Susan
Showing posts with label denial. Show all posts
Showing posts with label denial. Show all posts
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A River in Egypt
"I accept reality and dare not question it." Walt Whitman
Denial is not always a bad thing. It can be used in a positive way when we experience severe trauma. There are simply some things in life that are so awful that our brains kick in and protect us from it. Soldiers who experience post traumatic stress disorder may be jumpy, suffer flashbacks or nightmares, or they may have blank spaces in their memory. Those periods of time they can't recall are when the brain dissociates from the experience. Day dreaming during a boring lecture is a mild example of dissociation; an extreme example would be a complete break from reality, if only for a few minutes. Our brains protect us in the most wonderful way. Dissociation and denial are close relatives. If we truly comprehended how bad things were, we simply might not be able to endure it.
But in everyday situations, denial is not the way to go. It is only when we look at our lives for what they are that we can implement change. Sometimes we can do that alone; at other times, we may need the help of a friend or a doctor or a therapist. If we have been pretending or avoiding or living in denial, the truth of where we are can be a shock at first. But then we shake ourselves off, and say okay this is where I am right now, and what am I going to do about it? It takes courage to acknowledge the fact that something needs to change. I think if you are brave enough to see the problem in stark reality, you have what it takes to make the changes to improve your life.
Susan
Denial is not always a bad thing. It can be used in a positive way when we experience severe trauma. There are simply some things in life that are so awful that our brains kick in and protect us from it. Soldiers who experience post traumatic stress disorder may be jumpy, suffer flashbacks or nightmares, or they may have blank spaces in their memory. Those periods of time they can't recall are when the brain dissociates from the experience. Day dreaming during a boring lecture is a mild example of dissociation; an extreme example would be a complete break from reality, if only for a few minutes. Our brains protect us in the most wonderful way. Dissociation and denial are close relatives. If we truly comprehended how bad things were, we simply might not be able to endure it.
But in everyday situations, denial is not the way to go. It is only when we look at our lives for what they are that we can implement change. Sometimes we can do that alone; at other times, we may need the help of a friend or a doctor or a therapist. If we have been pretending or avoiding or living in denial, the truth of where we are can be a shock at first. But then we shake ourselves off, and say okay this is where I am right now, and what am I going to do about it? It takes courage to acknowledge the fact that something needs to change. I think if you are brave enough to see the problem in stark reality, you have what it takes to make the changes to improve your life.
Susan
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