Choices

It's Mother's Day, and I am thankful for the two guys who made me a mother. I wanted to be a mom from a young age, and I always imagined it would be in the usual way. I would get married, get pregnant and we'd have a baby. I have never had a baby, and I've never been pregnant. My two sons are actually my stepsons; my ex-husband's children from his first marriage. He had custody from the very start; in fact, it was his wife's idea. It was my privilege and my honor and my joy to be the mom in their home.

I knew both these wonderful guys since before they were born, since I was friends with my ex-husband and his first wife when they were married. To the kids, I was sort of a favorite aunt kind of person, but I never expected I would become their stepmom. So I think we were extra lucky in the sense that I already had a bond with each child, which made our success as a family easier.

The boys always called me Susie, but would refer to me as their mom. We didn't keep it a secret, but it didn't come up all that often, so people who knew us only casually just assumed I was their "real" mother. Without exception, if they found out I was the stepmom, they would be shocked. Some were dumbfounded. I recall the reaction of a fellow soccer mom. "No!" she shouted, her face in disbelief. "They love you so much! And you love them!" Uh. Yeah. That's what being a mom is all about; the love.

My ex-husband's career and our finances were shaky, and while we talked about having a baby, it seemed the time was never right. I was confident I could be an excellent mother to the two kids we already had, but to bring a baby into our family always seemed to be a disservice to the boys. I wanted them to have the best life possible, something I silently vowed to give them the day I made my marriage vows to their dad. Not just material things, like sneakers and music lessons, but lots of time and patience and energy. I was fortunate that their dad was a full partner with me; he put as much into being a dad as I did into being a mom.

While I don't judge women who put their babies in day care, I didn't want to be one of those mothers. It would have broken my heart to have a baby, only to leave my child all day so someone else could raise him or her. So as the years went on and I hoped for our situation to improve, it didn't, but I was diligent with my birth control. Now if there would have been a happy accident and I would have become pregnant, I know all four of us would have welcomed another addition with open arms and hearts. But it didn't happen. My older sister predicted that if I didn't have a "baby of my own" I would one day regret it, and I never have.

I don't know what it feels like to have a little life growing inside of you, or to give birth, or to nurse a baby, or to look at a little person who has my DNA. I never felt like I missed out on anything, because I just don't know how to love anyone any more than I do the two wonderful guys in my life. And I don't know how it could have been any better, to get to be their mom.

Their real mom is a nice lady, but she never got much enjoyment out of motherhood. I was over the moon with it. Now that the guys are adults, they each have a good relationship with her. They don't resent her because she wasn't around, and people tell me that's because they always had everything they needed from a mom from me. It is probably the best compliment anyone could pay me.

Many times, I have been told that I am very maternal, or that I am a natural mother. It certainly felt very natural to me. It was a very fulfilling experience for me, but it is not that for everyone. I am grateful we have choices as to how we can live our lives, and choose what feels right for us.

My sweet niece, a truly exceptional mother herself, likes to tell me that it's a blessing to allow others to walk their own paths. To allow them their own choices. I think the happier we are with our own decisions, the less we tend to judge others and how they live their lives.

Susan