A few days ago, I was about to say something that I knew for sure the people I was with would find hilarious, but I stopped myself before it came out of my mouth, because it was sarcastic. While the other people around me continued with their conversation, I thought for a moment about why I wanted to say it. I discovered that I was hurt and angry about something, and that sarcastic comment was a cover for what I really didn't want to feel. I wonder how many times in life I have done this, used humor so I wouldn't have to look at what was really bothering me.
Now what I was about to say, but didn't, wasn't aimed at anyone present, or any one particular person at all. It was a general statement about an organization, and it's likely the others would have agreed with me and laughed about it. But it just felt mean and unnecessary, and I am happy I didn't say it. I wonder how many times in life I have hurt someone's feelings with my humor, or made someone feel confused or even stupid because they didn't get what I was trying to say. Wowzers. That makes me feel really sad.
Most people who know me say I'm funny, and I do tend to see the absurd and funny things in life. I am also a pretty honest person, so I think what others like is that I will say what everyone else is thinking. But the sarcasm thing has gotta go. It is passive-aggressive. It's dishonest. It's not who I want to be. And it's not intelligent. Not emotionally intelligent at all, to use sarcasm to cover up anger and hurt and other ickiness that should be felt and faced and dealt with.
Maybe as I continue to deal with the sarcasm, and break that habit, I will begin to see more and more truth that I am hiding, or hiding from. That should make me overall a much happier and joyful person, more real, more able to have fun, joke around and be goofy in a healthy way.
And that's no joke.
Susan
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I feel strongly that sarcasm has an extremely limited place in a loving relationship, and requires vigilance to avoid aiming it at the other person, even unintentionally. On the other hand, I think sarcasm (and its more mature sister, irony) are almost a requirement to get through living in a world that so often falls so short of what it could be. In fact, you could make a case that virtually all humor depends on irony at some level, however faint. Robert Heinlein had one of his characters point out that almost all jokes would be horrible if they were *true.* We laugh at what we hate and fear, and it gives us strength. Irony is a part of that.
ReplyDelete"We laugh at what we hate and fear, and it gives us strength." I wrote that behind my unspoken sarcasm were hurt and anger, and your words help me see that behind the hurt and anger, there were indeed hate and fear. I suppose if we can laugh at something, it takes some of the power away.
ReplyDeleteKevan, your point of view gives me some balance that I think I need. I thank you for that.