Naked

"Eros shall have naked bodies; friendship naked personalities." C. S. Lewis

On purpose I have not written much about my marriage, which I ended almost three years ago. Some of it is that my ex-husband is a good man, a great father and someone who was instrumental in my becoming the person I am today. I feel a need to express some things without painting him in a negative light, to tell some stories that don't disrespect him, and so I struggle with walking that fine line. The failure of our seventeen year marriage was as much me as it was him. After we separated, we met once a week for dinner for almost three months and did an autopsy of our relationship. That was not conducive to good digestion, believe me. Who in their right mind conducts an autopsy while eating a meal? But that's what we did. I also went to therapy because it was crucial for me to understand all the ways in which I had failed, so that I could take responsibility and be fully accountable for my part.

I remember one time midway through my marriage, I was home sick from work and had Dr. Phil on. I am not a fan of his type of psychology, but what he said that day really affected me. He spoke of allowing our partner to come in to the most intimate place of in our hearts. I had a visceral reaction. No way! No one comes in there. That place belongs to me. I guard it zealously. The idea of it really upset me, and I remember talking with a friend a few days later about it. She looked at me strangely and said, "Why wouldn't you want your husband in there? Isn't that what intimacy is all about?" Well. Yes. Of course, that is what intimacy is all about but it sounded hideous and scary and awful to me.

It's plain to see that he and I lacked trust. I didn't trust him not to hurt me. Some of that was my own baggage and some of it was his behavior, a pattern of cruel emotional and verbal abuse. I didn't trust him. With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I now see that there were a number of red flags that went up before I married him, which I chose to ignore. I was physically naked with him countless times. We had sex with the lights on. When the kids weren't around I would walk around naked. When we went on vacation, just the two of us alone, I would sleep naked. I loved sex and was often the initiator.  I was not at all self-conscious being naked physically around him, but I have to ask myself was there ever a time when my personality was naked with him? Was there ever a time when I had my guard completely down? Was there ever a time I beckoned him to come into my most intimate, most secret place in my heart?

No. He was never allowed in there. I was kind and loving and generous and supportive. I did many of the things and made many of the gestures that I believed a good wife should, but my soul never, not one time, stood naked before this man. Never. This has come as a startling revelation to me here lately, as I have begun to become much more vulnerable, first here in my blog, and with other people in real life. I have become pretty bold at sharing my stories, even when they paint me in a very bad light. It is very simple really, that when I trust people and when I feel safe, I can show my naked personality. When I think about a time in the future when I might meet another man, I think I can't wait to invite him into that most intimate place in my heart. I can't wait for him to see my naked soul.

Susan