"A book comes and says, 'Write me.' Madeleine L'Engle
Last Saturday I wrote my 139th post for Hero In Your Soul entitled "Bleeding." In it, I made a declarative statement that was extremely bold for me. "I am a writer." Later, that evening, I had the most remarkable thing happen to me. When I write for this blog, I go to a place deep within myself. I am alone there and that is the place from which I write. But that evening, for the first time ever, there were some who joined me. Kind of shadowy figures, at first: characters for a fiction novel. I couldn't tell how many of them were there, but they were there. And there was something very dark as well.
The next day the characters had a little more form and substance, and the dark part was even darker. By the following day these people had definite shape, and the dark part had a definite purpose. I also knew what the first line of the book would be. I began to write, a few paragraphs here, a few more over here, and right now it's kind of like a puzzle that I am putting together. In the process, I am getting to know my characters. They have depth, like real people, because to me they are real people. Very real people that I carry around with me, everywhere I go. One day when you read my book, they will be real to you, too. I am getting to know them. I'm learning how they speak and what they know and what motivates them. There are four of them right now, my four main characters, but I have a feeling others will join them. At times I guess it's going to feel crowded "in here."
Oh, I had kicked around the idea of a book before. But it never came and said "write me" until I had the guts to say, "I am a writer."
Susan
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Promises
"Keep every promise you make and only make promises you can keep." Anthony Hitt
The mom had been threatening over and over to impose a consequence for bad behavior. Finally her four-year-old said, "Then do it. You say it too much." So the mom did. When she told me the story, I had to laugh a bit. At first glance it may sound like a smart remark, but really when you think about it, wasn't the child speaking her truth? The mother admitted to me that she doesn't always follow through. The child had definitely noticed that and even at her very young age, just wished her mom would stop talking and start doing. She also could have been crying out for limits. Pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton says that kids need discipline (not punishment, but discipline) and when they don't have it they become "frantic."
It is a crucial part of parenting to keep your word to the child. You can't threaten outlandish things you know you'll never do. But if you say there will be a consequence for unwanted behavior, you must make it happen. If you promise the child something fun, nothing short of your own death should prevent you from doing it. It's that serious in helping the child be secure and develop trust. It also causes the child to respect you, something that is nice when she's four and even more valuable when she's fourteen.
In business, we have written contracts. It's great to have things spelled out and to have all parties agree, to have recourse in the courts or in mediation. But a written contract is really only as good as the person's intention to perform. Have you heard the expression "he's a man of his word"? What a compliment! It says so much about character if we say what we mean, mean what we say and if we can always be counted on to follow through.
Susan
The mom had been threatening over and over to impose a consequence for bad behavior. Finally her four-year-old said, "Then do it. You say it too much." So the mom did. When she told me the story, I had to laugh a bit. At first glance it may sound like a smart remark, but really when you think about it, wasn't the child speaking her truth? The mother admitted to me that she doesn't always follow through. The child had definitely noticed that and even at her very young age, just wished her mom would stop talking and start doing. She also could have been crying out for limits. Pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton says that kids need discipline (not punishment, but discipline) and when they don't have it they become "frantic."
It is a crucial part of parenting to keep your word to the child. You can't threaten outlandish things you know you'll never do. But if you say there will be a consequence for unwanted behavior, you must make it happen. If you promise the child something fun, nothing short of your own death should prevent you from doing it. It's that serious in helping the child be secure and develop trust. It also causes the child to respect you, something that is nice when she's four and even more valuable when she's fourteen.
In business, we have written contracts. It's great to have things spelled out and to have all parties agree, to have recourse in the courts or in mediation. But a written contract is really only as good as the person's intention to perform. Have you heard the expression "he's a man of his word"? What a compliment! It says so much about character if we say what we mean, mean what we say and if we can always be counted on to follow through.
Susan
Trust
"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." Ernest Hemingway
Some people have trust issues, rooted in childbood experiences. Therapy can be helpful for that. But some of us don't trust because we don't want to relinquish control of the outcome.
I have an amazing new hair stylist. She is an artist in the true sense of the word. She has a passion for her work and this uncanny ability to size someone up rather quickly and know just what will make them look their best. The first time I saw her, I told her to do whatever she wanted. She asked a couple of questions here and there, and I answered them but added that she should do whatever she thought best, because she was the artist.
After all, it's only hair. If you like to take things out to their worst possible scenario, what is the worst that could have happened when I put myself totally in her hands, trusted her and gave up my control? Baldness. This would not be the end of the world. I could buy a wig, wear a hat or scarf, or just walk around with no hair. I'll bet people would then be really nice to me because they would assume I had cancer and was going through chemotherapy.
I walked out of her shop looking fabulous. And here is why. My total trust unleashed her total creativity. I didn't hold back, so she didn't have to either. What a powerful combination.
Susan
Some people have trust issues, rooted in childbood experiences. Therapy can be helpful for that. But some of us don't trust because we don't want to relinquish control of the outcome.
I have an amazing new hair stylist. She is an artist in the true sense of the word. She has a passion for her work and this uncanny ability to size someone up rather quickly and know just what will make them look their best. The first time I saw her, I told her to do whatever she wanted. She asked a couple of questions here and there, and I answered them but added that she should do whatever she thought best, because she was the artist.
After all, it's only hair. If you like to take things out to their worst possible scenario, what is the worst that could have happened when I put myself totally in her hands, trusted her and gave up my control? Baldness. This would not be the end of the world. I could buy a wig, wear a hat or scarf, or just walk around with no hair. I'll bet people would then be really nice to me because they would assume I had cancer and was going through chemotherapy.
I walked out of her shop looking fabulous. And here is why. My total trust unleashed her total creativity. I didn't hold back, so she didn't have to either. What a powerful combination.
Susan
Regret
"You want to cry aloud for your mistakes, but to tell the truth the world doesn't need anymore of that sound." Mary Oliver
Regret is such a bitter emotion. It is good to reflect upon our past mistakes. Learn whatever lessons are there. Apologize to those we may have hurt. Make amends for what was done. Then move forward, smarter for the experience. There are no buttons in life that say rewind or even pause. Just forward. It's the only way we can go.
When I was married with two little boys, a casual acquaintance made the observation to my husband that I was really hard on myself. She asked him if I was that tough on him and the kids. He replied that oddly enough, I was not; that my patience and kindness for them knew no bounds. When he told me of this, he asked me why I could be that way with the three of them, yet be so harsh with myself. This conversation was a real turning point for me, and I began to take steps to be more gentle with myself. The unexpected result was that I have made less mistakes and messed up less without all that self-imposed pressure.
I guess sometimes it's easier to forgive other people than it is to forgive yourself.
Susan
Regret is such a bitter emotion. It is good to reflect upon our past mistakes. Learn whatever lessons are there. Apologize to those we may have hurt. Make amends for what was done. Then move forward, smarter for the experience. There are no buttons in life that say rewind or even pause. Just forward. It's the only way we can go.
When I was married with two little boys, a casual acquaintance made the observation to my husband that I was really hard on myself. She asked him if I was that tough on him and the kids. He replied that oddly enough, I was not; that my patience and kindness for them knew no bounds. When he told me of this, he asked me why I could be that way with the three of them, yet be so harsh with myself. This conversation was a real turning point for me, and I began to take steps to be more gentle with myself. The unexpected result was that I have made less mistakes and messed up less without all that self-imposed pressure.
I guess sometimes it's easier to forgive other people than it is to forgive yourself.
Susan
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A River in Egypt
"I accept reality and dare not question it." Walt Whitman
Denial is not always a bad thing. It can be used in a positive way when we experience severe trauma. There are simply some things in life that are so awful that our brains kick in and protect us from it. Soldiers who experience post traumatic stress disorder may be jumpy, suffer flashbacks or nightmares, or they may have blank spaces in their memory. Those periods of time they can't recall are when the brain dissociates from the experience. Day dreaming during a boring lecture is a mild example of dissociation; an extreme example would be a complete break from reality, if only for a few minutes. Our brains protect us in the most wonderful way. Dissociation and denial are close relatives. If we truly comprehended how bad things were, we simply might not be able to endure it.
But in everyday situations, denial is not the way to go. It is only when we look at our lives for what they are that we can implement change. Sometimes we can do that alone; at other times, we may need the help of a friend or a doctor or a therapist. If we have been pretending or avoiding or living in denial, the truth of where we are can be a shock at first. But then we shake ourselves off, and say okay this is where I am right now, and what am I going to do about it? It takes courage to acknowledge the fact that something needs to change. I think if you are brave enough to see the problem in stark reality, you have what it takes to make the changes to improve your life.
Susan
Denial is not always a bad thing. It can be used in a positive way when we experience severe trauma. There are simply some things in life that are so awful that our brains kick in and protect us from it. Soldiers who experience post traumatic stress disorder may be jumpy, suffer flashbacks or nightmares, or they may have blank spaces in their memory. Those periods of time they can't recall are when the brain dissociates from the experience. Day dreaming during a boring lecture is a mild example of dissociation; an extreme example would be a complete break from reality, if only for a few minutes. Our brains protect us in the most wonderful way. Dissociation and denial are close relatives. If we truly comprehended how bad things were, we simply might not be able to endure it.
But in everyday situations, denial is not the way to go. It is only when we look at our lives for what they are that we can implement change. Sometimes we can do that alone; at other times, we may need the help of a friend or a doctor or a therapist. If we have been pretending or avoiding or living in denial, the truth of where we are can be a shock at first. But then we shake ourselves off, and say okay this is where I am right now, and what am I going to do about it? It takes courage to acknowledge the fact that something needs to change. I think if you are brave enough to see the problem in stark reality, you have what it takes to make the changes to improve your life.
Susan
Groundhog Day
"Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door." Emily Dickinson
Today is February 2, Groundhog Day. Not a big holiday in southern California where I live. As a child living in Pennsylvania, it was quite significant. Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is home of Punxsutawney Phil. Perhaps you know of Groundhog Day because of the movie by the same name. If not, I'll enlighten you. Phil emerges from his burrow. If he sees his shadow, he'll go back inside and winter will last for six more weeks. If he doesn't see his shadow, winter will soon be over. I endured 24 consecutive winters living in Pennsylvania, and it seems to me there was always six more weeks of nasty weather, shadow or not. But it's a fun tradition and since folks in that part of the country are presently in the middle of a storm, maybe it will give them some hope. Hope is almost always a good thing.
I don't need to, and most likely shouldn't, walk through every door in life. Certain situations and opportunities present themselves, and it's up to me to use my judgment, intuition and common sense to decide whether I'll take the opportunity. But since I never know, it's not a bad idea to open the door. Take a few steps out and assess the situation. I can always walk back into my burrow and settle back down. Or maybe I will decide to keep on walking and see where that road leads. I think it's when we stop opening the doors that we begin to stagnate. I hope I'll never let that happen to me.
Susan
Today is February 2, Groundhog Day. Not a big holiday in southern California where I live. As a child living in Pennsylvania, it was quite significant. Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is home of Punxsutawney Phil. Perhaps you know of Groundhog Day because of the movie by the same name. If not, I'll enlighten you. Phil emerges from his burrow. If he sees his shadow, he'll go back inside and winter will last for six more weeks. If he doesn't see his shadow, winter will soon be over. I endured 24 consecutive winters living in Pennsylvania, and it seems to me there was always six more weeks of nasty weather, shadow or not. But it's a fun tradition and since folks in that part of the country are presently in the middle of a storm, maybe it will give them some hope. Hope is almost always a good thing.
I don't need to, and most likely shouldn't, walk through every door in life. Certain situations and opportunities present themselves, and it's up to me to use my judgment, intuition and common sense to decide whether I'll take the opportunity. But since I never know, it's not a bad idea to open the door. Take a few steps out and assess the situation. I can always walk back into my burrow and settle back down. Or maybe I will decide to keep on walking and see where that road leads. I think it's when we stop opening the doors that we begin to stagnate. I hope I'll never let that happen to me.
Susan
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Freedom to Choose
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Voltaire
Is it really a friendship? Or is it what my grandmother would have called a Mutual Admiration Society? A true test of friendship is when it withstands disagreement and disapproval. Have you ever watched a friend begin to go down a road that you were certain would end in disaster? You disapproved. I mean you really disapproved, as in shaking your head, wagging your finger, clucking your tongue.
The cowardly way out is to tell yourself it's not any of your business, that your friend is a big girl who can take care of herself, that maybe you don't have all the information. So you bite your tongue and hunker down while waiting for the inevitable train wreck. And you're there to help pick up the pieces, because that's what friends are for. I think it's more accurate to say that you don't believe the friendship is strong enough to endure the loving confrontation you know you need to have. It's not much of a relationship then, is it?
You disagree. You disapprove. You voice that concern in the clearest possible way. It doesn't change the friend's mind. She continues to live the way she believes best, and you're right there beside her. Still loving her, still supporting her, never agreeing but completely defending her right to live her life the way she sees fit. That is true friendship.
Susan
Is it really a friendship? Or is it what my grandmother would have called a Mutual Admiration Society? A true test of friendship is when it withstands disagreement and disapproval. Have you ever watched a friend begin to go down a road that you were certain would end in disaster? You disapproved. I mean you really disapproved, as in shaking your head, wagging your finger, clucking your tongue.
The cowardly way out is to tell yourself it's not any of your business, that your friend is a big girl who can take care of herself, that maybe you don't have all the information. So you bite your tongue and hunker down while waiting for the inevitable train wreck. And you're there to help pick up the pieces, because that's what friends are for. I think it's more accurate to say that you don't believe the friendship is strong enough to endure the loving confrontation you know you need to have. It's not much of a relationship then, is it?
You disagree. You disapprove. You voice that concern in the clearest possible way. It doesn't change the friend's mind. She continues to live the way she believes best, and you're right there beside her. Still loving her, still supporting her, never agreeing but completely defending her right to live her life the way she sees fit. That is true friendship.
Susan
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