Of Dads and Other Heroes

Like some first time fathers, he was hoping that their baby would be a boy. He wouldn't know what to do with a girl, and what's up with all that pink? I watched them together the other day, this man who is a complete natural as a father, interacting with a tiny little baby, who just happened to be wearing a pink polka dot onesie and a huge pink flower on her headband. Such love!

We tend to make a big production out of Mother's Day, as we should, but Father's Day, not so much. This is reflected in Father's Day greeting cards, where there are a lot of neckties, barbecues, beer mugs and cheesy jokes and not a lot of sentiment. Maybe some fathers shun the hoopla, but I'll bet even those guys would love to get fussed over just a little, to get a phone call that tells them they are appreciated, to read a note that says they have made a difference.

Father's Day in America is this Sunday. If you are a dad, thank you for all you do. Thank you for running behind the bike, holding on to the seat and knowing exactly when to let go. Thank you for cutting the crusts off sandwiches, understanding that little things like that are really a big deal. Thank you for not getting mad when you step on yet another Lego in your bare feet. Thank you for checking the closet for monsters. Thank you for putting a little one up on your shoulders, so he can feel as tall as you.

You might shrug and say that what you do is just part of your job. You may think you are just an ordinary guy going about his business, and you would be wrong. If you could see yourself through the eyes of your child, you would know you are a hero. And all of us,  little kids and big kids alike, could always use another one of those.

Happy Father's Day.

Susan

"Isn't She Lovely?" written by Stevie Wonder for his daughter Aisha.

Be a Man

I wrote a little about my father here. One hot summer night when I was 15, we went out for ice cream, just the two of us. I sensed he had a serious talk in mind as we sat on a picnic bench. "Susie," he began, "your mother is sick." He went on to tell me that the abuse she dished out to me was not my fault. My head understood that, but my heart felt differently. By the time you tell a kid "it's not your fault," a lot of damage has already been done.

I asked him why they had not divorced. They disliked each other a lot; hate would not be too strong a word. He replied that then he would have had to divorce me and my little brother, because men just did not get custody of kids. I thought back to the times I lay in bed at night, listening to them fight, and on several occasions I had heard my mother tell him that he would never take us away from her, that she would not have people in our little town gossip about her being a bad mother. It would have been difficult to have her deemed unfit, because I had no scars or broken bones, she was not an alcoholic or drug addict. I cringed to think about a life completely at my mother's mercy. I knew what it was like when he was at work, but she knew he was around and would be coming home. It was bad enough, but it would have been scary terrible to be alone with her. He went on to explain about how he felt he had failed with my much older sister, and tried to do better with me. I was quite aware of the ways in which he tried to mitigate the abuse, and I think to some extent he was successful. As we talked, I felt sorry for him as I saw things from his perspective. Looking back, I think I should have been sorrier for Susie.

My dad was the first man I ever loved. He died many years ago, but I love him still. Always will. I'll admit I am envious of people my age who still have their parents around. But you know what? If he was still living, I would be taking him out for ice cream and a serious talk. Because as much as I appreciate all he did for me, the sacrifices he made for me, and as much as I understand that he did the best he could with the tools he had, it was not enough. As all of us women do, I evaluate men based on the first man in my life, my father. What does it mean to be a man? My mother ran the show in our home, controlling all of us with her rages and venomous words. My father was definitely not the leader in our home. He protected me by trying to manage all the dysfunction, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but he was not the protector that a father should be for his children. He should have gotten me and my brother out of there. He should have just put us in the car and driven away, courts and custody and such be damned. Fast forward many years later, and when my marriage had gone from bad to worse, I put myself and my dog Jake in the car and drove away. If I could do that for me, why couldn't he do that for me?

Susan

"Father Figure" written by George Michael

I Guess He Thought I Knew

For some reason, lately I've heard people say that growing up their parents didn't say "I love you" or hug them at all, or very rarely. Isn't that interesting, because would you not think that the vast majority of parents love their children? Most of these people I've heard from are in their 40's or older, so I guess some of it might be child-rearing practices in days gone by. Maybe their standoffishness had to do with ethnicity or culture, or their own upbringing. I know that people express love in different ways, and those who didn't express it verbally or physically may still raise children who certainly felt loved. In 2011, we now know from scientists what some have always known instinctively, that hearing the words "I love you" and having touch from a parent is quite important to a child's development.

For a class last semester, I researched father-daughter relationships and found something startling. The number one predictor of high self-esteem in a girl is physical affection from her father, and the most crucial time for this is age 10-14. How sad it is, then, that this is precisely the time when dads start to pull back physically.

I guess my thoughts today are two-fold. The first is that if your parents were deficient in the verbal and physical expressions of love, that you might think of other ways in which they showed they cared. And secondly, if you have kids, no matter how old they may be, that the next time you see them, you give them a big old bear hug, and don't you dare be the first to let go. And why wait a minute longer to tell them you love them? Pick up the phone and tell them you love them. Leave a voice mail that says, "I love you" if they aren't available. Because it's never too late to say what we think they already know.

Susan

Lyrics to "The Greatest Man I Never Knew" by Layng Martine, Jr. and Richard Leigh