Lesson Learned

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Buddha

Friends come into our lives. Some stay and others go. Perhaps it's your college roommate. You become close, then after graduation you go on to jobs in separate cities and sort of lose touch. Maybe it's that other mom you serve on the PTA with. Then your kids move on and so do you. My oldest, best friend and I have been at it for thirty-five years now. For the majority of our friendship, we have lived across the country from each other. There have been literally years we haven't seen each other, but we always seem to just pick up where we left off. She is one of the most loyal people I know. If I was in trouble, all I would have to do is tell her and she'd be on the next plane to California. I would do the same for her.

A friend recently taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. My childhood was dysfunctional, and both my parents were messed up people. Like many kids who grow up that way, I developed a pattern of playing those relationships out over and over in life. It's what Freud called "repetition compulsion," a subconscious way of trying to right those wrongs. I am at heart a compassionate person and I enjoy helping other people, but I took it to new heights as I found damaged people and tried to rescue them. My rational mind knew it was hopeless. Of course, those people would have to fix and change themselves. I couldn't do it. But still I tried. I failed and in the process hurt myself, but I tried. Then I got sick of doing it and decided no more. I was going to stop rescuing people. Well, this student must have been ready, because within a few months, the teacher appeared.

My new friend and I hit it off immediately. We laughed and talked and laughed some more. With a couple of other "girls," we had a great trip to Las Vegas. I love her and she loves me. For a long time I didn't connect the dots, but as she told me more and more about herself, I began to guess that it's likely she was hurt very badly as a child. She has bipolar disorder, and when we first met she was taking medication that successfully treated it. Then she made the decision to go off her meds and stay off them. Her health went from okay to bad to worse, and when she hit rock bottom, a third friend got in touch with her family. She is with them now, and it would be wonderful if she would take this opportunity to help herself get better.

One day when she was somewhere between worse and rock bottom, I looked at her and had the most amazing realization. I had no desire to fix her. None at all. My lifelong craving was gone. How did it happen? I really don't know. I imagine it was a progression that as time goes on, I'll begin to see clearly. I don't think it even matters. I had learned to love someone without wanting to fix her. Lesson learned.

I don't know what I was to my friend. I tried as much as possible to make it be positive. But I definitely know what she was to me. I was the student and she my teacher.

Susan