"Flying by the seat of my pants without a script." JustJean
Goals are useful. You need to know where you are going and how you're going to get there. But a happy life also has a free-flowing aspect to it, and there are times when you just have to figure things out as you go along. Some folks hold on tightly to the script, referring to it constantly. Then when something goes awry, they become angry and indignant, stomping around the stage of life, pointing to the script and yelling, "No! It's not supposed to happen this way!"
We can have some very definite roles for people, too. Those we love and those we meet become characters in our script and we expect them to behave in certain ways. We get mad at them for not saying their lines the way they were written. "You've changed!" we tell them. We wave the script around and say, "I don't even know who you are anymore." Well, if you would have looked up from your script from time to time, you would know who they are.
Online dating services promise to set you up with someone who could be your ideal mate. It's good to know what you want in a partner or spouse, and for sure you need to have some non-negotiable items on the list. But it is possible to become so invested in it that if they meet most of the criteria, you blind yourself to their other traits. You could at the worst miss some red flags and at best you sell the other person short, because really do you love them or do you simply love your illusion?
It takes real courage to put down the script, live life as it comes and take folks for who they are.
Susan
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Can I Get An Amen?
"Take this most seriously. A yes on earth is a yes in heaven, a no on earth is a no in heaven." Matthew 18:19
Have you ever sat in the pew of an evangelical Protestant church where people get worked up to a fever pitch? It's quite an experience. It takes a good speaker to push the right emotional buttons, but there's some interesting energy that goes on in the crowd, too. Folks are nodding their heads, and you start to hear "Amen!" as they encourage the speaker. It seems there is widespread agreement within the church. You might not actually believe what's being said, but there is kind of a holy peer pressure that sweeps you up, and you might find yourself nodding your head without realizing it. If the crowd is quiet, the minister may ask, "Can I get an amen?" Those less gifted orators need to brush up on their speaking skills, because a truly dynamic preacher should never have to ask for an amen. The word "amen" is translated "so be it."
Author Louise Hay says that whatever we say or think, the universe agrees with us. I have experienced this in my own life. Say I can't do it, and sure enough, I can't. Say I can, and it's amazing what I end up accomplishing. The apostle Matthew goes on to say that there is added power in having just one other person be in agreement.
My dear friend has a talent. Just this past week, she took bold action to start using her gift in a very real way. She was nervous and scared, but she took the first step of faith. Then the universe took over and the very next day, made her dream come true. I got a text message from her telling me it had happened. I texted back, "GO, YOU!!!!" then added "not surprised however" because I had known it all along. I believed in her. I had not been encouraging her just to be "nice." Frankly, telling someone they can do something when you really don't believe it is the opposite of nice. It's not truthful, and it only sets them up to get hurt.
You might say that she and I were in agreement on this one subject. She has a gift and she should share it with the world. It's her life, her show, and all I did was sit in the pew and say, "Amen!" So be it.
Susan
Have you ever sat in the pew of an evangelical Protestant church where people get worked up to a fever pitch? It's quite an experience. It takes a good speaker to push the right emotional buttons, but there's some interesting energy that goes on in the crowd, too. Folks are nodding their heads, and you start to hear "Amen!" as they encourage the speaker. It seems there is widespread agreement within the church. You might not actually believe what's being said, but there is kind of a holy peer pressure that sweeps you up, and you might find yourself nodding your head without realizing it. If the crowd is quiet, the minister may ask, "Can I get an amen?" Those less gifted orators need to brush up on their speaking skills, because a truly dynamic preacher should never have to ask for an amen. The word "amen" is translated "so be it."
Author Louise Hay says that whatever we say or think, the universe agrees with us. I have experienced this in my own life. Say I can't do it, and sure enough, I can't. Say I can, and it's amazing what I end up accomplishing. The apostle Matthew goes on to say that there is added power in having just one other person be in agreement.
My dear friend has a talent. Just this past week, she took bold action to start using her gift in a very real way. She was nervous and scared, but she took the first step of faith. Then the universe took over and the very next day, made her dream come true. I got a text message from her telling me it had happened. I texted back, "GO, YOU!!!!" then added "not surprised however" because I had known it all along. I believed in her. I had not been encouraging her just to be "nice." Frankly, telling someone they can do something when you really don't believe it is the opposite of nice. It's not truthful, and it only sets them up to get hurt.
You might say that she and I were in agreement on this one subject. She has a gift and she should share it with the world. It's her life, her show, and all I did was sit in the pew and say, "Amen!" So be it.
Susan
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Arguing for Your Limitations
"You take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame." Erica Jong
Do you know anyone who relishes the role of victim? They become very comfortable in their victimhood and are often experts at telling all the reasons why they can't do this and they can't do that. Their childhood, their age, their experience, their lack of experience, the weather, the economy, their spouse, their health, their ex, their own children, their education, their lack of education...the excuses abound. They are like expert trial lawyers, arguing passionately for their limitations. You might observe that they actually have a lot going for them, but don't be surprised if they become defensive when you point that out.
I am not questioning whether or not they have been victimized. That is beside the point. I know a woman in her late 20's who was sexually abused by not one, but four different friends of her family. The abuse began when she was a little girl of six. When she tried to tell her mother about it, she couldn't hear it and it is only in the past few years that her mother has started to believe her. It was not her fault. She did not bring it on herself. She was a victim in the truest sense of the world. But this courageous young woman got the therapy she needed, did the hard work involved, and she is doing great things with her life. She has chosen to interpret her experiences in a way that is very positive for herself. She was victimized, but she did not remain a victim. That is the part she could control.
Most of the issues we face are not as clear as my friend's sexual abuse. Most of our problems are caused at least in some small part by our own actions. Once I take my life in my own hands, I take ownership of every problem I have. I take responsibility for every thought, attitude, word and action. I see that I helped create the problem. Then I realize something beautiful. I also have the power to solve it.
Susan
Do you know anyone who relishes the role of victim? They become very comfortable in their victimhood and are often experts at telling all the reasons why they can't do this and they can't do that. Their childhood, their age, their experience, their lack of experience, the weather, the economy, their spouse, their health, their ex, their own children, their education, their lack of education...the excuses abound. They are like expert trial lawyers, arguing passionately for their limitations. You might observe that they actually have a lot going for them, but don't be surprised if they become defensive when you point that out.
I am not questioning whether or not they have been victimized. That is beside the point. I know a woman in her late 20's who was sexually abused by not one, but four different friends of her family. The abuse began when she was a little girl of six. When she tried to tell her mother about it, she couldn't hear it and it is only in the past few years that her mother has started to believe her. It was not her fault. She did not bring it on herself. She was a victim in the truest sense of the world. But this courageous young woman got the therapy she needed, did the hard work involved, and she is doing great things with her life. She has chosen to interpret her experiences in a way that is very positive for herself. She was victimized, but she did not remain a victim. That is the part she could control.
Most of the issues we face are not as clear as my friend's sexual abuse. Most of our problems are caused at least in some small part by our own actions. Once I take my life in my own hands, I take ownership of every problem I have. I take responsibility for every thought, attitude, word and action. I see that I helped create the problem. Then I realize something beautiful. I also have the power to solve it.
Susan
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I Can Save Myself
The knight in shining armor, preferably on a white horse, is a beautiful fantasy. There's nothing wrong with a lady being rescued by a brave knight. The strength of a healthy egalitarian relationship, however, is sometimes he saves you and sometimes you save him. What a gift when your weakness speaks to your partner's strength.
There are certain situations where only you can save yourself. It's romantic to think of someone else slaying the dragons, but when it comes to things like addiction or abuse, you are the only one who can do it. Support, help and encouragement are all wonderful, but really it's all up to you.
Are you worth saving? For some folks who have never really stood up for themselves in a definitive way, they might answer "yes" but feel differently in their hearts. Low self-esteem can fuel addictive behaviors and abusive relationships. It can be scary and painful, but really it's a gift when life backs you into a corner, your self-preservation instinct kicks in and you save yourself.
I recently heard from a brave woman who distanced herself from her abusive parent. She said she didn't feel bad about it. Well, of course not. That's because there is nothing to feel guilty over, and her lack of guilt is her reward for having the guts to save herself. She chose herself over her abuser. It's really the only decision to make, absolutely the right thing to do, yet so many can't or won't do it. I look forward to seeing what kind of blessings she receives since she made the pivotal and powerful choice to save herself.
Susan
There are certain situations where only you can save yourself. It's romantic to think of someone else slaying the dragons, but when it comes to things like addiction or abuse, you are the only one who can do it. Support, help and encouragement are all wonderful, but really it's all up to you.
Are you worth saving? For some folks who have never really stood up for themselves in a definitive way, they might answer "yes" but feel differently in their hearts. Low self-esteem can fuel addictive behaviors and abusive relationships. It can be scary and painful, but really it's a gift when life backs you into a corner, your self-preservation instinct kicks in and you save yourself.
I recently heard from a brave woman who distanced herself from her abusive parent. She said she didn't feel bad about it. Well, of course not. That's because there is nothing to feel guilty over, and her lack of guilt is her reward for having the guts to save herself. She chose herself over her abuser. It's really the only decision to make, absolutely the right thing to do, yet so many can't or won't do it. I look forward to seeing what kind of blessings she receives since she made the pivotal and powerful choice to save herself.
Susan
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Welcome Mat
A neighbor has a cute mat in front of his front door. It says, "LEAVE." It made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it, and it still brings a smile to my face as I walk by his place.
I recently was called a name. It's the word used to refer to a female dog. Now maybe people say it behind my back, but it was the first time in many years that I had it said to my face. I was a fairly feisty young woman, then I became much less assertive to the point where I was like a doormat. Now you can be a doormat if you want, but don't be surprised when people step on you. In the past year or two, I have taken my life in a direction that has rekindled my previous fire. It was the fact that I had drawn a very hard line, a clear boundary, that caused this person to use that particular term on me. It's used specifically for women. Men are expected to be tough, but when a woman is, she gets called a name.
The person who used that term on me apologized soon afterwards, but what I took away from the encounter was a happy revelation. I'm not a doormat anymore.
Susan
I recently was called a name. It's the word used to refer to a female dog. Now maybe people say it behind my back, but it was the first time in many years that I had it said to my face. I was a fairly feisty young woman, then I became much less assertive to the point where I was like a doormat. Now you can be a doormat if you want, but don't be surprised when people step on you. In the past year or two, I have taken my life in a direction that has rekindled my previous fire. It was the fact that I had drawn a very hard line, a clear boundary, that caused this person to use that particular term on me. It's used specifically for women. Men are expected to be tough, but when a woman is, she gets called a name.
The person who used that term on me apologized soon afterwards, but what I took away from the encounter was a happy revelation. I'm not a doormat anymore.
Susan
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Talking to Yourself
"Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true." Brian Tracy
Psychologists call it private speech. It's that cute chatter you hear from toddlers when they are playing. Have you ever interrupted it or asked them to repeat it? They will often react with annoyance, as if you are poking your nose into what is none of your business. Excuse me? I was not talking to you.
Do you talk to yourself? Maybe not aloud anymore, but if you're anything like me you chatter to yourself inside your head. Is it kind? Do you speak nicely to yourself, or do you reinforce old negative patterns? Perhaps you repeat something that was said about you or to you long ago. Then you blurt it out. The thought itself is very influential, but the spoken word is even more powerful.
If I am ever going to change my life, it must begin by changing what I think and say about myself.
Susan
Psychologists call it private speech. It's that cute chatter you hear from toddlers when they are playing. Have you ever interrupted it or asked them to repeat it? They will often react with annoyance, as if you are poking your nose into what is none of your business. Excuse me? I was not talking to you.
Do you talk to yourself? Maybe not aloud anymore, but if you're anything like me you chatter to yourself inside your head. Is it kind? Do you speak nicely to yourself, or do you reinforce old negative patterns? Perhaps you repeat something that was said about you or to you long ago. Then you blurt it out. The thought itself is very influential, but the spoken word is even more powerful.
If I am ever going to change my life, it must begin by changing what I think and say about myself.
Susan
Monday, February 7, 2011
Perfect Humility
"Do not walk in front of me; I may not follow. Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." Albert Camus
At different times in my life I have been the youngest "girl" in the office, the oldest employee, the wife of a successful businessman, a teenage fast food worker, a middle aged fast food worker, "just" the receptionist, the owner of the business, a homeowner and a boarder in someone else's home. Sometimes I've been treated differently depending on where I was in life. I've been kissed up to and kissed off. I've been looked down upon and looked up to.
Humility is the realization that all of us have equal value. Believing you are no better and no worse than anyone else. Accepting praise graciously, and not being stingy with genuine compliments to others. Assessing your weaknesses without beating yourself up, and using your strengths and talents as gifts to the world. Looking folks in the eye, walking through life with your shoulders back and head up, knowing you have just as much right to be here as the next guy. Apologizing when you're hurt someone, being quick to admit it when you make a mistake. Appreciating where you're been and being confident in where you're going. Acknowledging the people who have helped you succeed. Standing up for the underdog and sticking up for yourself. Carrying yourself with grace and dignity, and affording others the dignity they, too, deserve.
We are all in this together, are we not? Let's walk together in true humility, as friends.
Susan
At different times in my life I have been the youngest "girl" in the office, the oldest employee, the wife of a successful businessman, a teenage fast food worker, a middle aged fast food worker, "just" the receptionist, the owner of the business, a homeowner and a boarder in someone else's home. Sometimes I've been treated differently depending on where I was in life. I've been kissed up to and kissed off. I've been looked down upon and looked up to.
Humility is the realization that all of us have equal value. Believing you are no better and no worse than anyone else. Accepting praise graciously, and not being stingy with genuine compliments to others. Assessing your weaknesses without beating yourself up, and using your strengths and talents as gifts to the world. Looking folks in the eye, walking through life with your shoulders back and head up, knowing you have just as much right to be here as the next guy. Apologizing when you're hurt someone, being quick to admit it when you make a mistake. Appreciating where you're been and being confident in where you're going. Acknowledging the people who have helped you succeed. Standing up for the underdog and sticking up for yourself. Carrying yourself with grace and dignity, and affording others the dignity they, too, deserve.
We are all in this together, are we not? Let's walk together in true humility, as friends.
Susan
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