Wild Flowers

"Wild Flower" written by Doug Edwards and Dave Richardson

Lately I have had some younger women cross my path who have difficult relationships with their mothers. Not the perfectly normal head butting that may take place during the teenage years, over curfews broken or school work neglected. These young women have been abused by their mothers. Just like I was.

It's like this big club, and none of us ever wanted to join it. I hear the sadness in their voices. I see the pain in their eyes as they tentatively describe it. I sense the shame they seem to feel, that it is somehow their fault. They blurt something out, and then they backtrack a little to make an excuse for their mothers, to give these older women the benefit of the doubt. They shyly share their stories, and then I see it. The spark of recognition when I tell them, oh yes, my mother used to do that to me, too. My mother used to say that to me.

Some bloggers don't use their real names, but Susan is my real name. It is Hebrew for "lily." A couple of years ago, I wanted to get my first tattoo and my daughter-in-law took me to her tattoo artist. We exchanged names, I told him I was Susan and he asked what I had in mind. I said I wanted it near my ankle, my initial "S" for my name and a flower. That's all I told him. He came back about ten minutes later with a sketch, and there was my initial entwined with a lily. Was that just a coincidence, or did he look up the meaning of my name? I didn't ask, but I loved his art and creativity.

These younger women that I am telling you about don't deserve what they get from their mothers. They are good girls. They are talented and beautiful and loving, and against the odds they are blooming where they are planted. In some pretty rocky soil, and without a lot of sunlight. And still they grow. And still they bloom. They are wild flowers, because they have not been carefully cultivated like some girls who have loving, devoted mothers. They have to figure a lot of things out for themselves, and they make their share of mistakes. They are not fragile flowers, but sometimes I treat them like they are. They deserve an extra helping of kindness and love. I am blessed to know them. Their fragrance is so sweet.

Susan

High Heels

"I think the best feeling in the world is leaving the house absolutely feeling so good about what you're wearing. It almost makes you feel like you have armor on." Tallulah Willis

My closet has a nice collection of high heels. Purple animal print, red cloth with a fake jewel,  teal with a bow, and the beaded silver shoes I wore to my older son's wedding. Lately I have been wearing flat shoes. Red sneakers, black ballet type shoes with sparkles on them, and black, white and gray flats with a little bow. Very cute, but flat. They fit my life nicely. My employer dictates what we can wear for footwear, for safety reasons. And as a college student, I dress casually so wearing high heels would be a little over the top.

High heels, to me,  have always represented power. I used to wear them a lot, and they shored up my confidence by making me feel powerful. No doubt today if I dressed in a suit, I would add high heels. If I was going out for the evening, I would put on a pair of high heels. But I think the every day flat shoes I wear right now reflect where I am, sort of vulnerable and not in need of any armor. We wear armor to go into battle, and I guess currently I have no wars to wage.

The title of this song is "The Way You Make Me Feel," by the late, great Michael Jackson. When my younger son was two or three, it was one of his favorite songs. We'd ask what song he wanted to hear, and he'd yell out, "High Heels!" See if you can figure out why he called it that.

Susan

"The Way You Make Me Feel" written by Michael Jackson

Inside Out

A group of us women were talking. All of the others were young enough to be my daughters. One of them said she is often told that she appears sad or angry or even intimidating, when her face is at rest. I didn't join in on this conversation, but I thought that sullen would be an apt description. She is actually a delightful person, and when she smiles her face lights up. When she becomes animated, she really shines. She just hasn't learned yet to let some of what's on the inside to leak out.

It is a fact that we women have more pressure on us to smile or look happy. To soften that hard face, to be more approachable. While it is okay, maybe even good, for men to have a serious demeanor, when we are serious we can be labeled as sad, angry, intimidating or sullen. One of the other women said, "Yeah, what are you supposed to do, walk around smiling all the time like a clown?" It really bothered our friend to be perceived this way, and even for those of us who don't care if people think we are the "B word," part of dealing with other people is being approachable.

For women in positions of authority, being perceived as the "B word" means that people tend to resist us. If we must be the ones to get things accomplished, to motivate others to get with the program, we sometimes need to let a little of our humanity out.

When I was younger, I thought that was phony. That I had to pretend to be someone  I was not. Actually, it's more about being authentic, because behind our faces all of us have something wonderful to offer the world. Why not let the inside out?

Susan

"Cold Hard Bitch" written by Nic Cester and Cameron Muncey

The Right to Choose

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness." Anaïs Nin

Michele Bachman shared with the world that she went to law school because, as a submissive wife, her husband told her to, so she did. Some wondered if she became president, would she be following orders from her husband there as well? So she was asked about her submission, and she said that by submission she meant respect. Hmmmm. Really?

I am not a fan of Mrs. Bachman, her philosophies, religion or politics. However, it brought up an interesting question. Can a woman be a leader in the workplace, in politics, in the world in general, and be the follower at home? Of course she can.

We women have made amazing strides in achieving equality with men. The downtrodden, powerless woman has to submit. She has no choice. To be fully empowered, to have complete control over our choices, and then to choose to cede some of that power to a husband or significant other; now that makes authentic submission a true gift. A strong woman truly appreciates what it means to submit. She owns her power, she feels her power, she exercises her power, and then she gives some of that to the man she loves. We must be extremely careful, however. Power in the hands of an irresponsible, immature or weak man can quickly lead to abuse. Power has no moral will of its own, so we must be very discerning when choosing the right man.

We women today have a lot of choices. I live in a world that my grandmothers could only dream of. Some couples choose an egalitarian relationship. That's great if that works for them. Some couples choose to have the woman be the dominant one. That's great if that works for them. But no woman should ever be ashamed of not wanting to be the leader in her most intimate relationship. That's her choice.

Susan

Betty Ford

"Power is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." Margaret Thatcher

We were still raw from the Vietnam War when the Watergate hearings were televised that summer of '74. President Nixon and Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned in disgrace, and Gerald Ford became the 38th President. When he made the immensely unpopular decision to pardon President Nixon, Ford termed the scandal a "national nightmare." Some believe that every cloud has a silver lining. If Watergate was the cloud, First Lady Betty Ford was our silver lining.

She was a divorced ex-dancer and model. I guess she wasn't the conventional prim and proper "lady" that some believed a president's wife should be. She was refreshingly honest and funny. Mrs. Ford's detractors called her "No Lady," but most Americans adored her.

In 1974, our First Lady told us she had breast cancer and went on to explain about her masectomy, at a time in history when such words were foreign to many people, and perhaps vaguely shameful to some. Women sat up and took notice, and today self-exams and early detection are quite routine. In 1978, the Ford family had an intervention for their mother and wife, at a time in history when the average person on the street had no idea what that was. Mrs. Ford was characteristically open when she told us she was addicted to both prescription painkillers and alcohol. This was at a time in history when the media would have looked the other way if she wanted "privacy." Her candor about her problem and her courage to get treatment enboldened countless others to seek help. Suddenly addiction had a face: a woman's face. She died July 8 at the age of 93, but the Betty Ford Center lives on.

Mrs. Ford danced the "Bump" at the White House, adored her husband and loved her children. She left this world a much better place than she found it. No other First Lady has done so much good for so many.

Betty Ford was a real woman who dared to let us see who she was. She taught younger women like me that there is grace and beauty in being honest. I doubt she went around trying to convince people she was a lady. She didn't have to.

Susan