Seeking

"What you seek is seeking you." Rumi

A few months ago I wrote about the knowledge that I have received, that if I am going to be everything I can be, I will need a man in my life. You can read about it here.

Since then, some things have changed. And that is to be expected, right? I am blessed to have a roommate who is also a good friend, and her little Australian Shepherd has sort of become my dog, too. We have a lovely place to live, and we enjoy each other's company. I have other friends and a wonderful family, as well. But I've become lonely. The kind of loneliness, the kind of need that a man would fill.

I am a whole person. I am not a half, waiting for another half to equal a whole. I am already complete, so I am not seeking someone to complete me. I am not broken, looking for someone to fix me. I am not damaged, hoping that someone can heal me. I am not a prisoner, longing for someone who can rescue me. But I need him, in ways that I have begun to realize and in ways that I have yet to see. And I think he needs me in the same way.

I don't get upset or unhappy about my needs. Actually, I have all sorts of needs. It means I am human. It's funny how some of us want to be self-sufficient, and I am all for grown ups being fully functioning adults. But sometimes it seems like we are embarrassed or ashamed for having needs. I don't get impatient with myself for needing to use the bathroom, or being thirsty or being hungry. Why should my other needs represent some kind of failing or weakness? My needs let me see that I am fully alive. So that's a good thing, I think.

I'm not afraid to have needs, or to feel them. I don't need to deny them, or to worry that they will make me all crazy desperate so that I make foolish choices. I am good with it, with feeling some need, some loneliness, some discomfort, and yes, even some pain. I like being human. I love being alive.

And I know that what I seek is seeking me.

Susan