Soul Sister

"God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions. Once we begin to ask them, there's no turning back." Gloria Steinem

While I will admit we still have a way to go to see true equality, women have made amazing strides in the past century. When my grandmothers were born, women were not allowed to vote in our country. My granddaughters are growing up rightfully assuming that they can do anything a boy can do. What a debt of gratitude we owe to past generations of women who paved the way, that what used to be viewed as a privilege is now simply a right that is taken for granted. That's as it should be.

You would think this progress would solidify women; that there would be a true sisterhood. Supporting one another; all for one and one for all. Not so. We grandmothers and mothers must ask ourselves why are our young girls developing eating disorders? Why has size zero become the epitome of beauty; in fact, why does size zero even exist? Why do we flock to cosmetic surgeons to tuck this and pump up that? Why are we so unhappy with who we are? Why are the stay-at-home moms and the mothers who work outside the home at war, questioning and judging one another's choices?

Hey, soul sister! Are you out there?

Susan

You Are Not Alone

I am usually pretty good at keeping secrets, but for one memorable exception. A friend was getting married and some of us were planning a surprise bridal shower for her. She showed me something she had just purchased, and I said, "Oh, I almost got you that for your sh-" Uh oh!

I recently had the experience of sharing something rather personal with a friend, only to discover later she had told someone else. There was no malicious intent on her part, and to be fair, I didn't swear her to secrecy. We didn't mingle our spit or do a pinky swear or anything like that. And she tends to overshare her own personal information, so I think she was just behaving normally for her. But I will be a little more careful about what I tell her in the future.

Secrets. It's good to keep a surprise party a secret, and it's good not to blab stuff about others. But keeping some secrets is a bad idea. Secrets are powerful. They thrive in the dark, growing and gaining more and more power over you. Some victims of abuse keep it a secret and never tell a soul. There is the shame associated with it, the idea that maybe you deserve what you are getting, that other people will think you are stupid or weak, or simply that you will not be believed. When you talk about the abuse, you discover that you are not alone. That you (unfortunately) belong to a big club of people who have suffered like you have, and even people who have never experienced it are pretty sympathetic and non-judgmental. Telling that secret, putting it out there in the open, diminishes some of the power it has over you.

I have found that we humans are more alike than we are different. It is sad to think that we isolate ourselves, keeping our sad secrets, when sharing them can be so freeing.

Susan

Finding the Words

"The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read." Abraham Lincoln

I have always loved books and I love to read. One of my favorite places when I was a child was our small town's library. The adult part of the library was on the main floor, and I climbed the stairs to the children's area on the second floor. I recall the library being a newly constructed facility, and it seemed very modern at the time. It was even air conditioned! It smelled new...fresh paint, that new carpet smell, mingled with the distinctive aroma of books. The books were filled with words, and I understood at a young age that words were very powerful things. I also read dictionaries, to discover new words and their meanings. I still love it when someone uses a word that is unfamiliar to me. It is a wonderful new discovery.

Recently I was trying to articulate the thoughts and emotions about something I was experiencing, and it was one of those times where words seemed to fail me. A few days later at a second hand store, I picked up a fiction paperback for 25 cents. I was simply looking for something to read. I had not heard of the author or the book before. I was on my way to work, didn't have a lot of time and it was hard to beat the price. So I bought the book.

Later that day, I sat down to read it. It was published originally in 1993. The book was written in the first person, and was about a woman in the 1930's who had returned to her home in England. Her circumstances were far removed from my own, but in the first chapter as she described her emotions and feelings, it was as though she was describing what I have been experiencing. I read and re-read and re-read the passage, and almost shouted out loud, "That is exactly how I feel!"

So I did find the words I was looking for. They had been written seventeen years earlier by another woman named Susan, and had somehow ended up in a thrift store. Waiting for me. The words had been waiting for me.

Susan

Boundaries

We have alarms on our cars and deadbolts on our front doors. We invest in burglar alarms. We insure our stuff. We take care of our material possessions, and it is right and good that we do so. Our stuff is valuable to us.

But do we guard our hearts? I was talking with a man who has a rather toxic older brother. Efforts to work out their relationship have proved to be futile, and it seemed his brother was either unable or unwilling to change. The man asked me what I thought, and I said maybe he should limit his exposure. Not cut his brother out of his life completely, but limit phone calls and visits to where they are more manageable and to where he is not continually hurt. Talk to him or see him less often, and then be ready to end a phone call or a visit when things start to deteriorate. Some people should only be taken in small doses, and his brother seemed to fall into that category.

We set the boundaries, and we enforce them. Taking good care of your heart is a very smart way to live.

Susan

A Job Well Done

I told a new co-worker one of our customers said he had done a great job. He seemed stunned and said, "Were they being sarcastic?" I assured him that the praise was sincere and I thought I should pass it along. Now this man is new to our company so I really don't know him well yet. I couldn't tell you why he was so surprised at the kudos.

Some folks are just uncomfortable being complimented or praised. I have a friend who has taught his children that when they are complimented, the best response is "thank you." Now I know that there can be a hidden agenda, that sometimes sweet talk can be to butter you up, to flatter you, maybe to get something out of you. But wouldn't that be the exception rather than the rule?

Are you generous with praise and positive feedback? Most companies get their share of complaints from customers, but I wonder how often they hear something good. Your recognition of someone's efforts could make that person's day.

Susan

A Failure to Communicate

I haven't posted anything for a while because I haven't had anything to say. That started me thinking about communication. Why we talk. Why we don't. Why we speak of trivial things, when the proverbial elephant is pretty much taking up the whole room. I think all of us have known at least one person who chatters non-stop but never actually says anything.

Poor communication can kill a marriage or a romantic relationship. You are supposedly so close to this person, you love each other so much, yet you can't simply say what's on your mind? Something is seriously wrong there. Good communication is essential to all our relationships...family, friends, business associates. The things we don't say cause the other person to have to guess and imagine and that can lead to all kinds of wrong conclusions being drawn.

What are the words we are leaving unsaid?

Susan

We Have Nothing To Fear, But...

"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" Robert H. Schuller

I have enjoyed some wonderful successes in my life, and some failures. Two of my most notable failures were fairly big ones. I was a little mixed up for a while and felt that because I had failed, I was a failure. There is a difference, and a significant one. It's the difference between what you do and who you are. Some time and some perspective helped me reach the conclusion that although I certainly have failed, I am not a failure. Logic tells us that we will not succeed at everything we do, but failure can be painful. And the fear of failure can be crippling.

What is it you have never attempted because you think (or maybe you are fairly sure) you will fail? Take that fear out of the equation and it seems to me the sky would be the limit.

Susan