"Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know." Pema Chodron
In my World Religions class, we just finished a unit on Hinduism. The ideas of karma and a continual cycle of birth, death, rebirth, and so on challenge my linear way of thinking. It is so unlike our Western ways, so unlike the Christianity that I am most familiar with.
I am 54 years old. Most of the time I don't think much about my age. I am blessed with excellent health. There is a lot going on in my life that keeps me very active, and requires that I continue to think in new ways. But the day I wrote the post "Where Did I Go Wrong?" I felt about 100 years old, although I have no idea what it feels like to actually be 100. A friend who saw me that day remarked how old I looked. The issue with my loved one is something that I have been dealing with one way or another my entire life. It haunts me, as the words of people who died long ago come back to me, as their faces go by. It is as if I need to learn something here that I am totally missing. The lesson is repeated over and over and over and over, but I just don't "get it." What am I missing? When will the light bulb go on over my head? When will I finally pass this course?
The lesson is a painful one, too. Very painful. You know how people who advocate corporal punishment for children say things like, "That's the only way she'll ever learn..." What is wrong with me? Can't I learn what I need to learn without having it beaten into me?
At this point I think I am not even interested in learning the lesson. I just desperately want this class to be over. I don't care about getting an "A" anymore. A "D-" would be fine, anything that is a passing grade would be fine, just so I can move on. That's my linear thinking coming into play again. I want to move ahead, move on, move forward.
But the circles keep spinning endlessly, to my immense frustration. This class never ends.
Susan
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Susan: I've often had this thought - that we keep finding ourselves in similar situations or thinking over something in particular until we get it right. I've been told that we keep being reborn because we still have lessons to learn. I've even wondered why somebody doesn't just write 'the rules of life' book so that we didn't have to do so much darn work to get it right!!
ReplyDeleteThis is partially why I focus in on my submissive nature because these lessons that I don't have fully learned seem related to that somehow in my mind. It's not so much submitting to a particular person but submitting to life - letting go and accepting - that seems to be the fundamental and overwhelming lesson I'm learning. This doesn't so much mean being passive as it means staying calm and centered; ready to take on whatever needs my attention; recognizing where the attention should be; sharing the love; softening. Could the lesson you feel you still have to learn have anything to do with that?
"Letting go" is definitely part of it. You have, as usual, given me much to think about. Thanks, Vesta!
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