"Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning." Joseph Campbell
The sages down through the ages have pondered the meaning of life and what its purpose might be. Some people find meaning in religion. They spend time in prayer, they read the sacred writings, they ask their god what his will would be, and they try to carry it out. Others find meaning in philanthropy, or perhaps helping their fellow men through medicine, science, music or art. There are those who chase the American dream, whose success in the business world provides jobs for other people. There are those who wander through life wondering what to do next, why they are here on this earth at this place and time, and what it is they should do. They seek meaning and purpose. They cry out for truth.
I recently read the book, "Conversations with God," by Neale Donald Walsch. I will paraphrase by saying that at one point in the book he says that we used to beg the universe for truth, and now we tell the universe our truth. I mean no disrespect to readers who embrace a more conventional faith. That is not the path that I have chosen, however.
It's my belief that Joseph Campbell nailed it when he said that the only meaning my life has is what I bring to it. I create the kind of life I want. I choose what is meaningful. I bring purpose to my life. An avid reader, I am by nature a thinker and I enjoy gathering different viewpoints, but when it comes down to what am I to do with my life, it's all up to me. I choose what is meaningful. I decide what my purpose is.
What makes you feel alive? What do you find meaningful? What are the things that you do on purpose? What is your truth?
Susan
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Protect My Child
We were gathered in the conference room for a baby shower after the work day was over. There was pink as far as the eye could see. Pink clothes, pink toys, pink blankets and even pink frosting on the cupcakes. My colleague was about to have her first child, a baby girl she would name Cheyenne. She was excited, but so tired of being pregnant. She patted her belly and said, "I will be so glad when this is over." The mom of a couple of teenagers laughed and said, "Oh, it's just starting."
Parenting is a lifetime gig. It isn't over when your child turns 18 or 21. It isn't over when he graduates from high school or college, or even when he moves out on his own. It isn't over when he has kids of his own. How very thankful I am that it's never over, that being a mom is my forever job. You never do stop wanting to protect them, and that is the biggest challenge of having kids who are technically no longer kids anymore. They are adults, out there living their lives, and not only can you not protect them from the hurts of life, it is completely inappropriate for you to even try to do so. The potential for them being hurt increases exponentially as they get older, too. You have no control over what they do, nor should you. So you learn to trust.
It requires a great deal of trust to be the parent of an adult child. You must trust as you have never trusted before. Trust that your son or daughter is fully capable of living his own life and making his own decisions. Trust that his path is uniquely his own. That you gave the task of raising him your best effort, that the mistakes you made were not fatal, that the times you were not a good example perhaps he still learned from you, as a cautionary tale. You trust that you walked the walk instead of just talking the talk, that he respects you enough to want your opinion on a few things. You trust that if things start to go wrong, you can speak up calmly but clearly, and that the bond you forged so many years ago will give you the influence you need at that moment, and he will hear what you have to say. So you trust him and you trust yourself, not consistently and not perfectly, but it's something you learn to do better every day.
We learn so much from our children, do we not? I believe I have learned so much more about life from my sons than they ever learned from me. It is a wonderful time of life, this time when your children are grown and you get to sit back and just enjoy them. The responsibility for raising them is over, and that is very freeing. But still, every once in a while you might find yourself whispering, in the words of Bob Dylan, "Protect my child."
Susan
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Holding On or Letting Go?
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one getting burned." Buddha
Anger is a normal emotion, a result of being wronged. It is okay to feel it and perfectly all right to express it. I am beginning to give myself permission to do those things. I was raised by a rageaholic. She controlled her world by throwing fits. She was scary to me, because she was big and I was small. She had all the power and I had none. I have always had a lack of respect for adults who throw temper tantrums. I have no time for people who can't control themselves, and even less patience for people who carefully pick and choose the time to pitch their fits, for optimal results. I see a fully grown person having a tantrum, and to me she is a huge baby wearing a silly bonnet, an old-fashioned cloth diaper with a pin on it, and a pacifier in her mouth. "Waaah! I'm so angry! Waaah!" she screams.
At a very early age, I decided not to become my mother. I have some of her less ugly traits, but for the most part I have been quite successful at that. But it is way past time I move past my childhood and allow myself to feel and express healthy anger. I was given the perfect opportunity to do so very recently. I was angry, on my behalf, and also on behalf of a very innocent party. So I told the person who was in the wrong how it was going to be. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't use profanity. I didn't throw my pacifier out of my mouth and kick and scream. I was actually very kind, much nicer than she deserved. That's because that is who I am. I didn't become petty or catty or hit below the belt. But she understood me, because I made myself clear in no uncertain terms. I didn't hold on to how I felt anymore. I let it go. It's the only reasonable thing to do, right? If you literally pick up a burning hot coal, your hand will drop it immediately because that's your body's response to getting burned. You don't hold on. You let it go.
The result of my feeling my anger and then expressing it in a constructive manner was very positive. I kept my dignity. I was true to who I was. I spoke the truth. The person heard me and took immediate action. It was actually so much easier than I would have expected, so next time I won't hold on that long at all. I'll just let it go.
Susan
Anger is a normal emotion, a result of being wronged. It is okay to feel it and perfectly all right to express it. I am beginning to give myself permission to do those things. I was raised by a rageaholic. She controlled her world by throwing fits. She was scary to me, because she was big and I was small. She had all the power and I had none. I have always had a lack of respect for adults who throw temper tantrums. I have no time for people who can't control themselves, and even less patience for people who carefully pick and choose the time to pitch their fits, for optimal results. I see a fully grown person having a tantrum, and to me she is a huge baby wearing a silly bonnet, an old-fashioned cloth diaper with a pin on it, and a pacifier in her mouth. "Waaah! I'm so angry! Waaah!" she screams.
At a very early age, I decided not to become my mother. I have some of her less ugly traits, but for the most part I have been quite successful at that. But it is way past time I move past my childhood and allow myself to feel and express healthy anger. I was given the perfect opportunity to do so very recently. I was angry, on my behalf, and also on behalf of a very innocent party. So I told the person who was in the wrong how it was going to be. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't use profanity. I didn't throw my pacifier out of my mouth and kick and scream. I was actually very kind, much nicer than she deserved. That's because that is who I am. I didn't become petty or catty or hit below the belt. But she understood me, because I made myself clear in no uncertain terms. I didn't hold on to how I felt anymore. I let it go. It's the only reasonable thing to do, right? If you literally pick up a burning hot coal, your hand will drop it immediately because that's your body's response to getting burned. You don't hold on. You let it go.
The result of my feeling my anger and then expressing it in a constructive manner was very positive. I kept my dignity. I was true to who I was. I spoke the truth. The person heard me and took immediate action. It was actually so much easier than I would have expected, so next time I won't hold on that long at all. I'll just let it go.
Susan
Frankly, My Dear...
As the film opens, we see a beautiful and beautifully dressed young woman, holding court as men fall all over themselves around her. It's that most famous fictional narcissist, Scarlett O'Hara. With all due respect to "Gone With the Wind" author Margaret Mitchell, real life narcissist Sarah Palin is a much better illustration than even Scarlett. I guess truth really is stranger than fiction.
Narcissism has become an over-used term lately, and many folks who are not narcissists are given that label. True narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a mental illness, with its roots in infancy and toddlerhood. The all-important bonding process that a baby must make with someone, a parent or other caregiver, fails to happen. Many narcissists are victims of other types of child abuse as well. They are among the most intelligent, charming, beautiful and talented people you could ever find. But inside they are empty, devoid of any sort of self-concept and unable to feel empathy. Many books have been written about them, and it has been said they are emotional vampires. They surround themselves with great people, then feed on them until there's nothing left. Then they move on to another victim. Because they can't or won't examine themselves, therapists find narcissists the most difficult people to treat. That is if they ever do get into therapy, because a narcissist even admitting there might be something wrong is a rare occurrence.
Two very important people in my own life were narcissists; one was a man and the other a woman just like Scarlett and Sarah. Things start out wonderfully with a narcissist, then end with you feeling exhausted and spent, as if their bite has sucked your life's blood away. They are, at their core, the most selfish people you will ever find. I am sad for the hurt babies that they used to be, because I understand that even a very poor excuse for a parent can still successfully bond with her child. But I am more than a little tired of people who were once victims becoming perpetrators themselves. No matter what was done to you, you have no right to take it out on everyone else. Those of us who have been fed on do get fed up, eventually. Then the narcissist panics, seeing her supply walking away. She dramatically asks whatever will become of her. Captain Rhett Butler said it perfectly when he told Scarlett, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
Susan
Narcissism has become an over-used term lately, and many folks who are not narcissists are given that label. True narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a mental illness, with its roots in infancy and toddlerhood. The all-important bonding process that a baby must make with someone, a parent or other caregiver, fails to happen. Many narcissists are victims of other types of child abuse as well. They are among the most intelligent, charming, beautiful and talented people you could ever find. But inside they are empty, devoid of any sort of self-concept and unable to feel empathy. Many books have been written about them, and it has been said they are emotional vampires. They surround themselves with great people, then feed on them until there's nothing left. Then they move on to another victim. Because they can't or won't examine themselves, therapists find narcissists the most difficult people to treat. That is if they ever do get into therapy, because a narcissist even admitting there might be something wrong is a rare occurrence.
Two very important people in my own life were narcissists; one was a man and the other a woman just like Scarlett and Sarah. Things start out wonderfully with a narcissist, then end with you feeling exhausted and spent, as if their bite has sucked your life's blood away. They are, at their core, the most selfish people you will ever find. I am sad for the hurt babies that they used to be, because I understand that even a very poor excuse for a parent can still successfully bond with her child. But I am more than a little tired of people who were once victims becoming perpetrators themselves. No matter what was done to you, you have no right to take it out on everyone else. Those of us who have been fed on do get fed up, eventually. Then the narcissist panics, seeing her supply walking away. She dramatically asks whatever will become of her. Captain Rhett Butler said it perfectly when he told Scarlett, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
Susan
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Reverse Snobbery
"Be careful how you interpret the world: it is like that." Erich Heller
We worked at a fast food restaurant in a somewhat upscale community. My supervisor was not what you would call a people person. I believe she failed to make this important connection: you have a job because you have customers. If you have no customers, you have no job. Treat the customers well, they will return and you will have job security. She believed that most of the customers looked down their noses at us, because of what she viewed as a lowly station in life. She often commented that the town was full of snobs. I interacted directly with customers much more often than she did, and that was not at all my experience. The vast majority of our customers were nice, reasonable people. Occasionally there was someone who was less than pleasant, but I didn't take it personally. Maybe they were in a hurry that day, perhaps they had pressures or problems I knew nothing about. Sure; every once in a while someone would patronize me, but I assumed the person's own insecurity caused that behavior.
It might have been what my boss brought to her interactions: that giant chip on her shoulder that she just dared people to knock off. She often had negative interactions with customers, but really she was the one who started it with her bad attitude. She expected our customers to judge her, but in reality she was the one doing the judging. She was the snob, in sort of a reverse fashion. It is just as blatantly unfair to treat someone badly because you envy him, as it is for a successful person to treat someone else as beneath him. My own experience has been that those who are well off financially are normal, down-to-earth people. Those who are pretentious would likely be that way regardless of their bank balance. And of course, not everyone who appears to be wealthy is. It could be they are simply in a great deal of debt.
How we view the world in general and how we view people in particular has a lot to do with whether we are happy or miserable. My former supervisor was a very unhappy person. She disliked her job and it showed. But I learned something useful from her, and here's what it is. Not all wealthy people are snobs, and not all snobs are wealthy.
Susan
We worked at a fast food restaurant in a somewhat upscale community. My supervisor was not what you would call a people person. I believe she failed to make this important connection: you have a job because you have customers. If you have no customers, you have no job. Treat the customers well, they will return and you will have job security. She believed that most of the customers looked down their noses at us, because of what she viewed as a lowly station in life. She often commented that the town was full of snobs. I interacted directly with customers much more often than she did, and that was not at all my experience. The vast majority of our customers were nice, reasonable people. Occasionally there was someone who was less than pleasant, but I didn't take it personally. Maybe they were in a hurry that day, perhaps they had pressures or problems I knew nothing about. Sure; every once in a while someone would patronize me, but I assumed the person's own insecurity caused that behavior.
It might have been what my boss brought to her interactions: that giant chip on her shoulder that she just dared people to knock off. She often had negative interactions with customers, but really she was the one who started it with her bad attitude. She expected our customers to judge her, but in reality she was the one doing the judging. She was the snob, in sort of a reverse fashion. It is just as blatantly unfair to treat someone badly because you envy him, as it is for a successful person to treat someone else as beneath him. My own experience has been that those who are well off financially are normal, down-to-earth people. Those who are pretentious would likely be that way regardless of their bank balance. And of course, not everyone who appears to be wealthy is. It could be they are simply in a great deal of debt.
How we view the world in general and how we view people in particular has a lot to do with whether we are happy or miserable. My former supervisor was a very unhappy person. She disliked her job and it showed. But I learned something useful from her, and here's what it is. Not all wealthy people are snobs, and not all snobs are wealthy.
Susan
Friday, July 8, 2011
I Enjoy Being a Girl
"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman." Anaïs Nin
She spun a compelling "oh, woe is me" kind of tale. Her husband, it seems, was not meeting her emotional needs. Preoccupied with work, he didn't have the time or inclination to talk incessantly about her feelings and thoughts. I was a little surprised, because from what she has said in the past, he seemed to be a good guy and pretty attentive. Their marital problems are none of my business, but where my ears perked up was when she began to make sweeping generalizations about women. How we live in an emotional world that men can't understand. That we need continual reassurance that we are loved and beautiful. That men are rational and we are not (!)
It is disingenuous to use being a woman as an excuse for laziness, immaturity and a lack of empathy. It is also offensive to us other women who are fully functioning adults to purport that "we" are all like this. Of course, I know that men and woman are different, not just physically. But it gets us no where to perpetuate the tired, worn-out stereotypes.
I love being a woman. Today we have the best of both worlds. We can do anything men can do, but we can also enjoy our femininity. We should embrace it and enjoy it, but never use it as an excuse. Our emotions and feelings should enrich our lives and the lives of those around us, not be used as weapons to make the people who love us feel inadequate. Being sensitive to how others might be feeling, being understanding of the pressures they face, now that would truly be a rich emotional life.
Susan
She spun a compelling "oh, woe is me" kind of tale. Her husband, it seems, was not meeting her emotional needs. Preoccupied with work, he didn't have the time or inclination to talk incessantly about her feelings and thoughts. I was a little surprised, because from what she has said in the past, he seemed to be a good guy and pretty attentive. Their marital problems are none of my business, but where my ears perked up was when she began to make sweeping generalizations about women. How we live in an emotional world that men can't understand. That we need continual reassurance that we are loved and beautiful. That men are rational and we are not (!)
It is disingenuous to use being a woman as an excuse for laziness, immaturity and a lack of empathy. It is also offensive to us other women who are fully functioning adults to purport that "we" are all like this. Of course, I know that men and woman are different, not just physically. But it gets us no where to perpetuate the tired, worn-out stereotypes.
I love being a woman. Today we have the best of both worlds. We can do anything men can do, but we can also enjoy our femininity. We should embrace it and enjoy it, but never use it as an excuse. Our emotions and feelings should enrich our lives and the lives of those around us, not be used as weapons to make the people who love us feel inadequate. Being sensitive to how others might be feeling, being understanding of the pressures they face, now that would truly be a rich emotional life.
Susan
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Getting Used To It
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you wonder, "How did I get myself into this?" Things have gone from bad to worse to intolerable and you're desperate to get out, to have it all end. It didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen in a vacuum. I think with dysfunctional or unhealthy relationships, there is a four part progression.
Number 1 is, "You've got to be kidding!" This is where you encounter customs or behaviors that seem wrong or at the very least strange. It doesn't feel right; your gut tells you so. The smart thing to do at this point would be to have a long, hard look at reality and be prepared to walk away.
If you choose not to end it at 1, that will lead to number 2. "It will be okay." You can change the dynamic, fix the other person, or it's something you can easily live with it. The good outweighs the bad, right? I mean, they have lots of wonderful qualities and you have to take the bad with the good. After all, nobody's perfect and there is no ideal set of circumstances.
Of course, it doesn't change and you fail at fixing it, but you continue on. Perhaps you're too lazy to end it. Or maybe you feel you have too much time and energy invested. So you move on to number 3. "This is my 'normal.'" At this point there is a resignation to the way things are, a miserable kind of acceptance. You just get through each day doing the best you can. You begin to be part of the problem yourself, going along to get along. Those who know you see a different person, one who has compromised who and what he is.
And finally we have denial and defense in number 4. "What do you mean it's wrong?!" You have so thoroughly assimilated yourself that you truly do not even see how far gone you are. If someone with an objective point of view comments that the emperor has no clothes, you become quite defensive. How dare they! Some live in number 4 forever. Others find themselves in so much pain that they decide to get out, but a lot of damage has already been done.
Getting used to it is not the way to live. Now there are some situations where these coping mechanisms might come in handy. If you find yourself in a concentration camp or you become a prisoner of war, you may feel the need to do whatever it takes to survive until the day you get out of that place. But for the vast majority of situations in life, you do not need to, nor should you ever just resign yourself to the fate at hand. Don't go from 1 to 2 to 3 and then to 4. Decide that you will always live in 1; that you will trust what you know to be truth and live accordingly. Trust yourself enough to know that if something feels bad, it probably is. Respect yourself enough to live life on your terms, to be the kind of person that can look himself in the mirror and like what he sees there.
Susan
Number 1 is, "You've got to be kidding!" This is where you encounter customs or behaviors that seem wrong or at the very least strange. It doesn't feel right; your gut tells you so. The smart thing to do at this point would be to have a long, hard look at reality and be prepared to walk away.
If you choose not to end it at 1, that will lead to number 2. "It will be okay." You can change the dynamic, fix the other person, or it's something you can easily live with it. The good outweighs the bad, right? I mean, they have lots of wonderful qualities and you have to take the bad with the good. After all, nobody's perfect and there is no ideal set of circumstances.
Of course, it doesn't change and you fail at fixing it, but you continue on. Perhaps you're too lazy to end it. Or maybe you feel you have too much time and energy invested. So you move on to number 3. "This is my 'normal.'" At this point there is a resignation to the way things are, a miserable kind of acceptance. You just get through each day doing the best you can. You begin to be part of the problem yourself, going along to get along. Those who know you see a different person, one who has compromised who and what he is.
And finally we have denial and defense in number 4. "What do you mean it's wrong?!" You have so thoroughly assimilated yourself that you truly do not even see how far gone you are. If someone with an objective point of view comments that the emperor has no clothes, you become quite defensive. How dare they! Some live in number 4 forever. Others find themselves in so much pain that they decide to get out, but a lot of damage has already been done.
Getting used to it is not the way to live. Now there are some situations where these coping mechanisms might come in handy. If you find yourself in a concentration camp or you become a prisoner of war, you may feel the need to do whatever it takes to survive until the day you get out of that place. But for the vast majority of situations in life, you do not need to, nor should you ever just resign yourself to the fate at hand. Don't go from 1 to 2 to 3 and then to 4. Decide that you will always live in 1; that you will trust what you know to be truth and live accordingly. Trust yourself enough to know that if something feels bad, it probably is. Respect yourself enough to live life on your terms, to be the kind of person that can look himself in the mirror and like what he sees there.
Susan
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