Reality

One of the fun things about being a parent is seeing your kids experience things for the first time and watching their reactions. We had a lot of good times as a family with our boat. One year we went on a spring break trip with two other families. We had eight boys among us, my older son being 12 at the time and the youngest probably 6. We were at a campground on a lake, and when we weren't playing in the water, the boys liked to do what my older son called "exploring." One day they set out to explore a hill with my older son as the leader. It felt safe for them to do that because we could see everything from our campsite. The hill had little ledges on it. We adults all sat there talking and watching the boys across the way have fun. We noticed a young couple, probably late teens or early 20's, approach the general area of our sons. The woman was wearing a two-piece swimsuit and was very slightly built. Bear with me, because you'll need this information for later in my story. The couple sat down on a ledge, and the woman took off her swimsuit top.

Shortly after that, the pack of boys came around the corner and happened upon this sight. The couple was visibly startled, and the young woman quickly covered herself up, but not before the kids all got a good look. The couple decided to move on, probably to find a more private place.

When the kids came back to the campsite, they told us all about the lady with no swimsuit top. Everyone was sort of talking all at once, then it quieted down and my son had an expression of disappointed confusion on his face as he said, "I thought breasts were supposed to be big." His dad gently explained that people and their body parts come in all sizes. Reality can be so harsh sometimes, no?

Susan

Protect My Child

We were gathered in the conference room for a baby shower after the work day was over. There was pink as far as the eye could see. Pink clothes, pink toys, pink blankets and even pink frosting on the cupcakes. My colleague was about to have her first child, a baby girl she would name Cheyenne. She was excited, but so tired of being pregnant. She patted her belly and said, "I will be so glad when this is over." The mom of a couple of teenagers laughed and said, "Oh, it's just starting."

Parenting is a lifetime gig. It isn't over when your child turns 18 or 21. It isn't over when he graduates from high school or college, or even when he moves out on his own. It isn't over when he has kids of his own. How very thankful I am that it's never over, that being a mom is my forever job. You never do stop wanting to protect them, and that is the biggest challenge of having kids who are technically no longer kids anymore. They are adults, out there living their lives, and not only can you not protect them from the hurts of life, it is completely inappropriate for you to even try to do so. The potential for them being hurt increases exponentially as they get older, too. You have no control over what they do, nor should you. So you learn to trust.

It requires a great deal of trust to be the parent of an adult child. You must trust as you have never trusted before. Trust that your son or daughter is fully capable of living his own life and making his own decisions. Trust that his path is uniquely his own. That you gave the task of raising him your best effort, that the mistakes you made were not fatal, that the times you were not a good example perhaps he still learned from you, as a cautionary tale. You trust that you walked the walk instead of just talking the talk, that he respects you enough to want your opinion on a few things. You trust that if things start to go wrong, you can speak up calmly but clearly, and that the bond you forged so many years ago will give you the influence you need at that moment, and he will hear what you have to say. So you trust him and you trust yourself, not consistently and not perfectly, but it's something you learn to do better every day.

We learn so much from our children, do we not? I believe I have learned so much more about life from my sons than they ever learned from me. It is a wonderful time of life, this time when your children are grown and you get to sit back and just enjoy them. The responsibility for raising them is over, and that is very freeing. But still, every once in a while you might find yourself whispering, in the words of Bob Dylan, "Protect my child."

Susan

Your Inner Child

"When one has not had a good father, one must create one." Friedrich Nietzsche

Those with less than great childhoods enter adult life with some significant deficits. I know a woman now in her 70's who never became a mother. It was a conscious choice on her part. She had suffered terrible abuse as a child and feared she might do the same to one of her own. It does happen. Abuse can be a horrible family legacy.

But I have known many other folks who are childhood abuse survivors who became awesome parents themselves. If you emerge from the experience with your empathy intact, you know what it is to be hurt and you make sure that never happens to a child of your own. Sometimes it's as simple as doing the opposite of what was done to you. Your kids certainly benefit from your own painful experiences that way.

And it helps that hurt child living within you as well. There is great healing in becoming the parent you never had.

Susan

Follow the Leader

"It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse." Adlai Stevenson

When we were raising our kids, their dad would sometimes say that parenting is an art, not a science. And isn't that the truth? When it comes to moms and dads, you have the nursers, the bottle feeders, the stay-at-homes, the work-from-homes, the screamers, the spankers, the negotiators, on and on it goes. As a parent, you must be a confident leader. You understand that you are the mother, and you behave like one. Your attitude and demeanor go a long way in setting the tone in your home and in your family. Please, feel free to read all the books and get all the advice and participate in all the discussions on parenting. But first and foremost have the confidence to know that these are your children and you have what it takes to lead them to adulthood. Then begin to do that.

Everything does really rise and fall on leadership. It's not being cocky or arrogant or thinking the people you lead are stupid. It's all about the confidence. In who you are and in what you intend to do.

Susan

Action

"Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you." Thomas Jefferson

One of the very important jobs a parent has is to nurture a child's self-esteem. This starts with bonding with the infant and meeting their needs quickly. As they are toddlers and you must begin to set limits, you teach them that while they may do things wrong, they are good people. They must know that you love them unconditionally, but that does not mean they can do whatever they please. As they grow, they are taught to do the right thing, given age-appropriate responsibilities, and your expectations need to be reasonable but firm. Your praise must be generous but honest. One of the things that makes them feel good about themselves is not Mom and Dad constantly saying "Good job!" It's the fact that they are doing what is good, what is right, giving it their best and they are succeeding.

Sometimes adults think they could do this, that or the other thing if only they felt better about themselves. Low self-esteem is a very real condition, and if you started out in life with a deficit, I can totally relate to that. Been there. But instead of waiting to magically feel better about who you are, why not start to do what you know is right and good? Act! You will be surprised at how the very act of doing will boost your self-esteem. At some point, we need to figure out who we want to be and start becoming that person.

Susan

How Far Have You Come?

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome." Booker T. Washington

Some of my greatest treasures are things my kids made as they were growing up. I have some of them on display, and others are kept neatly away where I can go through them from time to time. I love doing it. Did you know that a necklace made of macaroni is more precious than anything at the jewelry store?

A friend showed me some notes her ten-year-old daughter made for her. Neatly printed with words of love for her mom, colorful pictures. Any parent would be pleased and proud. But what made these love notes even more meaningful is the fact that this child is autistic and has some profound learning differences. It took a great deal of effort for her to sit down and do this, and the result is visible evidence of how far she has progressed.

Are you less than enamored with where you are in life? Take a look back and see the hurdles that you have cleared, and it might give you a different definition of the word "success."

Susan

Driven to Distraction

When our kids are growing up, one of the things we can do to help them succeed in school is to create an environment at home that is conducive to studying and getting homework done. Some children need a little down time right after school. Others do better if they just dive right in. A snack before getting started may be a good idea, because you can't think on an empty stomach. One child might like to sit at the kitchen table, but another kid needs a quieter, more private place. The parent can also help by teaching the child to manage or eliminate distractions. When I was a teenager, I did my school work while listening to music. It helped me; to someone else it would be unwelcome distraction. I guess it comes down to knowing your child and how they best work.

As we face difficulties, it sometimes seems the problems might swallow us up. It is then that we need to be distracted in a positive way. A little down time playing a favorite game on the computer, a Saturday morning on the golf course, whatever you enjoy doing that will for a little while take your mind off the problem at hand. Sometimes it is good to be distracted.

Susan

Brilliance

"These gems have life in them: their colors speak, say what words fail of." George Eliot

I have a "mother's ring." I wear it all the time and enjoy looking at the six gems in it; the birthstones of my two sons, daughter-in-law, and three grandchildren. It sparkles on my finger just as these wonderful people add brilliance to my life.

Are there words in the English language to adequately describe what it is to be a mother and a grandmother? I wonder. My ring, however, speaks volumes.

Susan