Will

"Imagine what you desire. Will what you imagine. Create what you will." George Bernard Shaw

She asked me if I believed in a spirit world, and I said that while I am not a religious person, I know that there is a lot more out there than we can see or touch. That was all the encouragement she needed to tell me her story. She told me that she and her mother lived in an old house when she was a child, and she knew there was a ghost there. She felt his presence. She sensed him. She wasn't afraid of him. This past summer her father died unexpectantly. He was in his early fifties. Their relationship was unresolved. He and her mother never married, and he was in and out of her life. Never a person she could depend on. His sudden death caused her to feel guilty that she had not talked to him for almost a year when he died. She was sorry for her part in the estrangement. She is a young woman, not yet twenty, and the guilt is a lot of her to handle. It would be for anyone of any age. It is difficult to have someone die when you don't get to say goodbye, or any of the other unsaid things you need to say.

She felt him the other day. Her dad. Just like the spirit she felt when she was a little girl. He told her that he was angry for a while that she wasn't talking to him, but he's not mad anymore. He forgives her. He is in a good, happy place. He said he was sorry for all the times he was not there for her growing up, but now he will always be with her. Watching over her. He loves her.

"That must have made you feel so good to have that reassurance," I said. She had tears in her eyes. I said, "Maybe when people die, they leave us gifts, like an inheritance of money but better. Maybe what your dad didn't give you when he was living, he will give you now that he's gone. Maybe when he was alive, he couldn't or wouldn't give you what you need." Her expression was pained. "Sometimes," I said, "I think there's a really fine line between can't and won't for some people, the difference between being unable and unwilling."

I am glad she feels better. She is a lovely person with a quirky sense of fashion that matches her quirky sense of humor, and a very kind heart. She works hard putting herself through school, and had the fortitude to get herself out of an abusive relationship with a guy. She is a strong person. The kind of person who makes things happen for herself. The kind of person who is both willing and able to do the right thing.

She needed this, this communication from her father. She likes knowing he is watching over her, this spirit who is more present in her life now than when he was alive.

Susan

School

"Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know." Pema Chodron

In my World Religions class, we just finished a unit on Hinduism. The ideas of karma and a continual cycle of birth, death, rebirth, and so on challenge my linear way of thinking. It is so unlike our Western ways, so unlike the Christianity that I am most familiar with.

I am 54 years old. Most of the time I don't think much about my age. I am blessed with excellent health. There is a lot going on in my life that keeps me very active, and requires that I continue to think in new ways. But the day I wrote the post "Where Did I Go Wrong?" I felt about 100 years old, although I have no idea what it feels like to actually be 100. A friend who saw me that day remarked how old I looked. The issue with my loved one is something that I have been dealing with one way or another my entire life. It haunts me, as the words of people who died long ago come back to me, as their faces go by. It is as if I need to learn something here that I am totally missing. The lesson is repeated over and over and over and over, but I just don't "get it." What am I missing? When will the light bulb go on over my head? When will I finally pass this course?

The lesson is a painful one, too. Very painful. You know how people who advocate corporal punishment for children say things like, "That's the only way she'll ever learn..." What is wrong with me? Can't I learn what I need to learn without having it beaten into me?

At this point I think I am not even interested in learning the lesson. I just desperately want this class to be over. I don't care about getting an "A" anymore. A "D-" would be fine, anything that is a passing grade would be fine, just so I can move on. That's my linear thinking coming into play again. I want to move ahead, move on, move forward.

But the circles keep spinning endlessly, to my immense frustration. This class never ends.

Susan

Faith

"You need one person to believe in you. You just need one." Lady Gaga

We were in small groups in my health class. The subject was aging. I was the only woman in a group of all very young men. When we came to the assigned topic of menopause, one of the guys looked at me and said, "You'll have to help us with this one." It was funny.

When we were discussing death, one of them talked of his struggles with the Roman Catholic faith in which he was raised. He asked me if I was religious, and I said I wasn't, that I used to be a Baptist but that really didn't work for me. I arrived at a place where the narrow worldview of black and white, right and wrong, good and evil, devil and god, heaven and hell just didn't make sense. I had embraced my beliefs with my usual enthusiasm and earnestness, but had to turn off the critical thinking part of my brain to be able to do that.I couldn't do that anymore.  He asked me what was I now, and I said maybe an agnostic, because I just don't know. Years ago I lost my faith, or so I thought at the time. It was a painful experience, and it seemed like the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I see now that I never lost my faith. I am still a believer. I believe that today is the best day, and that tomorrow will be even better. I believe in the inherent goodness of humanity, that while there is pain and suffering, the human spirit is amazingly resilient and can emerge triumphant. I believe in myself, in my ability to overcome obstacles, and to not let the many mistakes I've made in the past keep me from finding a better way for myself going forward. I believe that if I want things to be better, for myself, for those close to me, for the world in general, I will need to do something about that.

This faith extends to other people. Have you ever been at a time in your life when you just didn't think you were going to succeed, but knowing that someone else believed in you helped you get over the next hurdle? Knowing that someone else, even just one person, as Gaga says, can make all the difference in the world.

Who is it that you believe in? Who is it, that when they finally reach their goal, you will smile, nod and say, "I knew it all along"? Do they know how much you believe in them? Would it help them for you to tell them that today?

Susan

"Lean on Me" written by Bill Withers

Being Alive

"Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning." Joseph Campbell

The sages down through the ages have pondered the meaning of life and what its purpose might be. Some people find meaning in religion. They spend time in prayer, they read the sacred writings, they ask their god what his will would be, and they try to carry it out. Others find meaning in philanthropy, or perhaps helping their fellow men through medicine, science, music or art. There are those who chase the American dream, whose success in the business world provides jobs for other people. There are those who wander through life wondering what to do next, why they are here on this earth at this place and time, and what it is they should do. They seek meaning and purpose. They cry out for truth.

I recently read the book, "Conversations with God," by Neale Donald Walsch. I will paraphrase by saying that at one point in the book he says that we used to beg the universe for truth, and now we tell the universe our truth. I mean no disrespect to readers who embrace a more conventional faith. That is not the path that I have chosen, however.

It's my belief that Joseph Campbell nailed it when he said that the only meaning my life has is what I bring to it. I create the kind of life I want. I choose what is meaningful. I bring purpose to my life. An avid reader, I am by nature a thinker and I enjoy gathering different viewpoints, but when it comes down to what am I to do with my life, it's all up to me. I choose what is meaningful. I decide what my purpose is.

What makes you feel alive? What do you find meaningful? What are the things that you do on purpose? What is your truth?

Susan

Step by Step

"If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's called your path." Joseph Campbell

She was second guessing herself, wondering aloud if her decision to move out of the area was the "right" thing to do; if her destination was the "right" place for her. A preacher's kid, she was raised in a rigid religion where things were either "right" or wrong. The path had been laid out even before her birth, and she was expected to walk it.

I guess there is comfort for some in walking someone else's path. It's already there, so you don't have to work hard or muster any creativity to make it happen. Point A to Point B, map included so you make no missteps. One foot in front of the other, you plod along, and if you happen to be miserable, you can console yourself that at least you're on the "right" path. If you mess up, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong; you were just following the map like a good girl. If you come to a complete halt, no problem because the path is still here. You have zero accountability.

Creating your own unique journey in life is something completely different. There is no "right" or wrong, because the path is whatever you make it to be. Your step is light, because you aren't carrying the heavy burden of other people's expectations. At times you might skip over there, explore around over here, and since there is no map it could be that you aren't even completely sure of your final destination. If you stop dead in your tracks, there is no path until you begin walking again and create it with each new step. You have 100% accountability.

Is there really a choice when you look at it that way? It's not a choice between "right" or wrong. It's a choice between misery and joy; and I don't know about you, but I'll take the latter every time.

Susan

In the Sweet By and By

"The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." Ayn Rand



This hymn by S. Fillmore Bennett and Joseph P. Webster describes the comfort of a sweet after life, a place where we are reunited with loved ones.

Do you know the story of Lazarus? He and his two sisters, Mary and Martha, were close friends of Jesus. He had often been a guest in their home. When he received word that Lazarus was very ill, Jesus did not rush to him immediately. He waited two days and in that time, Lazarus passed away.

Martha heard that Jesus was finally on his way to their home, and while her sister stayed inside, Martha ran down the road to meet him. The first words out of her mouth were, "If you were here, my brother would not have died." Was she angry, hurt, disappointed? I don't know, but I can guess. Then she added, "But even now, I know that God will give you whatever you want."

Jesus told her that her brother would rise again, and Martha, who was a woman of faith, replied that she knew he would, on the last day. In the sweet by and by, if you will. Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life." Then he walked right into the house and raised Lazarus from the dead. Literally, really and truly. Right then and there.

Could it be the life we want is already ours? Could it be that we are so focused on hoping for it to happen sometime in the future that we fail to see we already possess it?

Susan