The Silent Killer

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song." Maya Angelou

Our neighbor told us children that a foster daughter would be coming to live with her. She told us that the little girl did not talk. She knew how to speak, but something very bad had happened and she stopped talking. Our neighbor asked us to please include the girl in our play, but not to ever ask her what happened. We complied, and the little girl started talking again, and after a while, she was chatting just like the rest of us. I don't know what had caused her to lose her voice. I never asked, and it's none of my business. I do hope that at some point she told her story. I hope she found her voice.

Just last week I heard a woman say she had been homeless for a while when she was a child, then she was in the foster system. She quickly added that she was a private person and she didn't like to talk about it. I understand. It's none of my business. But I hope at some point she tells her story. I hope she finds her voice.

I've heard it said that silence is golden, but silent shame is a killer. Why do we as children and young people feel such shame when it isn't our fault? Why do we protect those who hurt us with our silence? Why do we keep their dirty secrets? Why do we allow our voices to be silenced?

It hurt so much the first time, will talking about it mean reliving it all over again? What will we see in the face of the listener? Disbelief, disdain, disgust? Will people still love us if we tell them who we really are?

I hope that you, my reader, have never experienced the kind of hurt that causes the silent shame. I hope for a world where no child or young person ever has to feel that. But if you know all too well what I'm talking about, then I have two questions for you. Have you ever told your story? Have you ever found your voice?

Susan

Play, Rewind, Erase, Record. Repeat as Needed

"Shame is a lie someone told you about yourself." Anaïs Nin

On my smart phone, I have a voice recorder. It's the modern version of the old tape recorder I used to love to play with when I was a child. It was fun to record others speaking, especially when they were unaware the tape recorder was on. Not that I would do that today. Please don't even worry about that.

Inside my head, there is a tape recorder. My parents and other powerful people in my life (like teachers) made recordings long before I had the cognitive ability to discern a lie from a truth. So for a while I had to take what was on the tape at face value. I hit the play button, and the tape went on and on in an endless loop of everything that was wrong about me. There was some truth on the tape, but mostly lies. Even the most well-intentioned adult can tell a lie.

Have you played with the tape recorder that's inside your head lately? Push play and your tape will start. As soon as you hear a lie, hit rewind, then erase, then record. Now speak a truth about yourself, recording right over that old lie. At first you might not immediately realize a lie when you hear it. But if what you hear makes you feel bad or sad or ashamed, chances are good it's a lie. You could also check it out with a truthful person whom you love and trust. Play, rewind, erase, record. It's easy and fun and in no time at all you'll be really good at it.

Susan

And You Shall Know the Truth

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Leo Tolstoy

I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. She comes from a family with a long history of secrets. Don't tell this person that. Don't tell that person this. Go ahead and whisper a few words here and a few words there. Raise an eyebrow, or share a knowing glance. But let's not ever say what's what or who's who. Lies, half-truths and miscommunications abound in this family. Siblings pitted against each other by a parent. Cousins who never even meet. Folks not on speaking terms with others for years on end, and no one seems to know why.

I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. Abuse reached across a generation and grabbed at her children. She stopped it cold. It was what any loving parent would do, what any normal person would do, but this was no normal family.

I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. She then did the most stunning thing of all. She told other family members. She spoke the truth. This woman who was once a quiet girl in pigtails stood up and cleared her throat. "Excuse me?" she seemed to be saying, "The emperor has no clothes!" She didn't do it to cause dissention. She spoke the truth because, well because that is what normal people do. It is not normal to keep secrets. But this was no normal family.

I wonder if she has any idea what she has done. I'm delighted to imagine certain family members rolling in their graves, because when she spoke the truth she shook this family to its very foundation. And that had been long overdue.

You know what they say about the truth? It really does set you free. So wonder no more, for when this woman spoke the truth she set this family free.

Susan