Meet the Bickersons

You may have known a couple just like them. They are usually married, and for a long time. They are the perfect illustration of that old saying that familiarity breeds contempt. A verbal jab here, a sarcastic comment there. Heavy sighs and rolling eyes. They pick at each other like a couple of spoiled kids. I'm sure you've heard of them. They are the Bickersons.

Now maybe underneath all that nastiness, they adore each other. But they have a really weird way of showing it. Isn't it interesting how we can be so courteous, kind and respectful to strangers, but treat the ones we are closest to the worst? I think simple respect is lacking in a lot of relationships with spouses and significant others.

There is a popular book out that I have not read, but a few people I know have told me about it. The premise is that the primary need of a woman is to be loved, and the primary need of a man is to be respected. I know what it is like to be loved and not respected. That subtle and then not so subtle contempt that creeps into a relationship that lacks one of the basic foundational elements: respect. As a woman, if I had to choose between being loved and being respected, I would take respect every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Every once in a while, I think we all need to take an inventory of our relationships with the people we love the most, just to make sure we are giving our best to the ones we say we love the best.

Susan

Perfect Humility

"Do not walk in front of me; I may not follow. Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." Albert Camus

At different times in my life I have been the youngest "girl" in the office, the oldest employee, the wife of a successful businessman, a teenage fast food worker, a middle aged fast food worker, "just" the receptionist, the owner of the business, a homeowner and a boarder in someone else's home. Sometimes I've been treated differently depending on where I was in life. I've been kissed up to and kissed off. I've been looked down upon and looked up to.

Humility is the realization that all of us have equal value. Believing you are no better and no worse than anyone else. Accepting praise graciously, and not being stingy with genuine compliments to others. Assessing your weaknesses without beating yourself up, and using your strengths and talents as gifts to the world. Looking folks in the eye, walking through life with your shoulders back and head up, knowing you have just as much right to be here as the next guy. Apologizing when you're hurt someone, being quick to admit it when you make a mistake. Appreciating where you're been and being confident in where you're going. Acknowledging the people who have helped you succeed. Standing up for the underdog and sticking up for yourself. Carrying yourself with grace and dignity, and affording others the dignity they, too, deserve.

We are all in this together, are we not? Let's walk together in true humility, as friends.

Susan

Respect

"Respect commands itself, and can be neither given nor withheld when it is due." Eldridge Cleaver

Summer vacation is over, and the kids are back in school. I overheard a mom remind her young son to listen to his teacher. Part of making our children civilized is teaching respect for authority. That begins in the home, and it needs to start early. But while you are teaching that young child to respect you as the parent, you had better make sure you are the kind of person who deserves respect.

There is a big difference between respecting the position and respecting the person. All the difference in the world.

Susan

The Path of Least Resistance

"Lying has a kind of respect and reverence with it. We pay a person the compliment of acknowledging his superiority whenever we lie to him." Samuel Butler

My friend's husband asked her to do something he felt was important. She agreed, but she didn't do it because she felt it was unnecessary. Later he asked her about it, and she immediately lied. She is an honest person and not at all a good liar, so he picked up on that and pressed the matter, and she admitted she had not done it.

She was so ashamed and shocked at her behavior as she told me this story. She said, "I didn't even think about it. I just lied." She asked me what I thought about that. Well, since she asked, I told her my theory.

They have been married less than a year, still sort of on the honeymoon. They have a somewhat old-fashioned marriage where he is in charge and she is deferential. While her husband has some good qualities, he is short-tempered and tends to yell when he gets upset. She excuses this by saying he's Italian, but I'm not buying what she's selling. Now I won't go so far as to say she's afraid of him, but I did say she probably just told him what he wanted to hear to keep the peace. It's not uncommon for a volatile person to marry a peacemaker. And while sometimes the path of least resistance is the way to go, I do not recommend it for a long journey like a marriage.

Susan

Send Me No Flowers

In elementary school, we had special subjects like Music and Art once a week. The Art teacher went from class to class, school to school. During one Art class, the teacher angrily yelled at us and it was very scary. I don't recall what happened, but I do remember the sick feeling in my stomach and also knowing that he was being unfair. I understood the difference between being corrected for something wrong, and just getting dumped on, and he definitely dumped on us. The next week as Art class approached, some of us were talking about how he might behave. We weren't looking forward to it.

Art class began and he was sweet as pie; overly nice to be exact. He also brought us treats. But he never mentioned how he had behaved or said he was sorry. It all seemed so artificial to me, and I remember thinking, "Why is he pretending like everything is supposed to be okay now?" Now I guess I could have cut him a break. At least he understood he was in the wrong and was trying to make it up to us. We were just little kids, but we weren't stupid. Trying to buy us off with some cookies. Even children deserve respect.

I used to work in a large office of all women and whenever the florist made a delivery, one co-worker would invariably shake her head and say, "Oh, he's been bad." Flowers are wonderful, and a beautiful bouquet of roses can make you feel very special. But not if they are a substitute for something else. Remorse is fine. But respect is best.

Susan