Do No Harm

In his acceptance speech at the SAG Awards, Daniel Day-Lewis said that when he portrayed Abraham Lincoln, he thought of the admonition, "First, do no harm." For years this has been part of the ethics for physicians. Is a medical treatment apt to do more harm than good? Would it be better to not do anything?

I have been thinking about how this might apply to other situations in life, in general. I try to make all my interactions with others be positive. I fail at this sometimes, if I am having a bad day or if I am distracted. There are also times when I want to "help" and the help would do more harm than good. Like doing something for the person that he should do himself. Overstepping boundaries. Offering unsolicited advice. It is arrogant on my part to think that I can always make things better for other people. Often I can. Sometimes I can't. Other times, my idea of helping is actually not helping at all, and actually makes matters worse.

I need to be learning when my help truly is helpful, and when it could actually cause harm. It is difficult, and requires some maturity, to understand that sometimes I just need to be neutral and leave something alone. Hands off. Walk away. Detach.

The most obvious example in my life is in my interactions with my sons, who are now adult men. It is no longer appropriate, and in fact, would be harmful, for me to continue to treat them as if they were children or teenagers, given the fact that they are 27 and 32. I have been known to say, "Please tell me what I could do that would be helpful." That way they, and not I, determine what they might need from me.

It is not an easy lesson to learn, this "first, do no harm" thing. But it will make me a better person, in all my relationships and all my interactions, as I practice it.

Susan

Lovingly Detached

At first listen, this Buddy Holly song is one of those classic, "Oh, woe is me! He done me wrong" songs.



"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic." Anaïs Nin

Loved ones drowning in a sea of addiction or dysfunction can take us down with them, if we allow it. I don't mean to be callous. I understand a drowning man needs to be rescued, but maybe you could find a way to help that doesn't involve your own demise.

Psychologists call it detachment. Those in the 12 step programs often add the word 'loving.'" You pry those arms threatening to strangle you off your neck and throw the person a life preserver instead. It's his choice whether or not to take it. Detachment is a decision on our part, but often the toxic person drives us to it. Mr. Holly's words, "I've done everything, and now I'm sick of trying," resonate. Others might judge your detachment as being cold and cruel, but it's not. It's the only sane thing to do. It's what a normal person does. It involves a conscious decision, but is often a process that takes place over time. It is the right thing to do for yourself, for obvious reasons. And it is the right thing to do for your loved one. You step out of his way and no longer hinder him from saving himself.

Detachment is your friend. It protects you from being hurt, because you no longer give the toxic person any power over your life. It gives you time to heal from past hurts the relationship has inflicted. You'll know your detachment is complete when you reach a place of peace, a place where there is no guilt. Oh, I suppose if you were asked, you'd agree that it would be nice if the person changed. But it just doesn't matter anymore.

Susan

When the Lake Goes Dry

I remember The Crawdad Song by Chuck Cheesman from my childhood.



I've heard different versions of it. Whatcha gonna do when the lake goes dry? The creek goes dry? The well goes dry? Anyway you look at it, there's no water there. We humans are funny, how we keep going back to a place that has nothing for us.

She was pushing 90 when she died. Her son, a man in his 50's who was old enough to know better, never stopped trying to get her approval. She died without ever giving it to him. He had done it his entire life, which must have been so painful. I watched him do it for over twenty years, and it was so excruciating just to be a witness.

Can people change? Absolutely. If they see the need to change and if they want to change, and then if they are willing to do the difficult work needed to make it happen. There are many success stories in life, of people clean and sober for years, of married couples on the verge of divorce who save their marriage, of people who stop handing down the abuse from one generation to another. Their dry creekbeds flow with cool, clear water once again.

Sometimes the very people we love most in life can't or won't give us what we need. They won't change. And we can't change them. But you know what we can do? We can stop expecting them to change. We can stop going back time and again and getting hurt. We can find other healthy ways to get our needs met. There is water everywhere. It is plentiful. So here's the heads-up, in case you've missed it. There ain't no crawdads in that hole, Honey.

Susan