Checking Your Bags

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past." Lily Tomlin

One of the recent changes to air travel is that most airlines charge fees for checked bags. I was amused the last time I flew, because passengers tried to skirt around this by attempting to carry on big bags. But the airline was on to that. As we stood in line to board at the gate, an announcement over the intercom warned us that those bags would have to be checked. They gave us time so passengers could get their reading glasses or medications, things they really needed for the journey, out of the bags before they had to hand them over. In a matter-of-fact way, airline personnel walked down the line with tags in hand, smiling professionally and offering reassuring words. But it was very clear. If you wanted to board the flight, you would have to check those bags.

How we love to hold on to our stuff. We all carry around some baggage. No way can you reach adulthood without some bad experiences holding you back and holding you down. Some have more baggage than others. Some of us hold on to our bags with white knuckles, daring the world to pry it out of our hands.

A friend asks you to accompany her to a new exercise class. She tells you it's really fun. You open your baggage and look around. "I was always the last one chosen for dodgeball. I'm not athletic. People might laugh at me. Besides, I hate to exercise." You don't get that job you applied for, and you dejectedly pull that big suitcase out. "Anytime I put myself out there I always get slapped down. Why even try?" You feel rejected, but at the same time there is some kind of sick satisfaction you find in being right once again. Someone says something rude to you that smarts, and you rummage around your bag. There it is! You knew it was in there somewhere. "My father always spoke to me that way," you think.

To me, forgiveness is not about pretending it didn't happen, pretending it wasn't wrong, pretending it didn't hurt you, pretending other people are actually sorry for what they did. It's about going through your baggage and seeing what's there, and then letting it go. Easier said than done, I know. The help of a therapist can be invaluable in this process. It might take you some time to loosen that death grip you have on your baggage. No one will pry your fingers off your bag. You have to willingly give it up.

But I have some great news for you. The flight is ready to take off! You won't be on it unless you let go of that baggage. Do you actually want to go on that journey? Do you really want to fly, to soar high above those beautiful clouds to an exciting new destination? Then you know what to do. But the choice is yours.

Susan

Regret

"You want to cry aloud for your mistakes, but to tell the truth the world doesn't need anymore of that sound." Mary Oliver

Regret is such a bitter emotion. It is good to reflect upon our past mistakes. Learn whatever lessons are there. Apologize to those we may have hurt. Make amends for what was done. Then move forward, smarter for the experience. There are no buttons in life that say rewind or even pause. Just forward. It's the only way we can go.

When I was married with two little boys, a casual acquaintance made the observation to my husband that I was really hard on myself. She asked him if I was that tough on him and the kids. He replied that oddly enough, I was not; that my patience and kindness for them knew no bounds. When he told me of this, he asked me why I could be that way with the three of them, yet be so harsh with myself. This conversation was a real turning point for me, and I began to take steps to be more gentle with myself. The unexpected result was that I have made less mistakes and messed up less without all that self-imposed pressure.

I guess sometimes it's easier to forgive other people than it is to forgive yourself.

Susan