The Citadel

"I was being called to surrender the very citadel of my self." Bede Griffiths

Every emotionally healthy person has boundaries. Every healthy relationship has them. Those who have been in dysfunctional relationships, for example, growing up with an alcoholic parent, understand the painful chaos of living without boundaries.

But what about when a boundary is more than a boundary? There are those of us who build tall, thick walls around ourselves. The walls are for protection, like the citadel in a medieval castle. It's meant to be the last line of defense. It's where those in danger can flee when being attacked. It's a bulwark, to keep us safe by keeping enemies out.

Those who have known the pain of no boundaries may go too far in the other direction and decide that in order to never be hurt again, a citadel will be the perfect way to go. The higher and thicker the walls, the better.

How many people stand outside the citadel of our selves? Loving people whose encouragement, wisdom and zest for life will show us things we've never seen and take us places we've never been? Until we surrender, we'll never know.

Susan

Fence Me In

"Give me land, lots of land, under starry skies above. Don't fence me in." Cole Porter

Funny and entertaining, the piece I was reading was advice to men on how to attract women. How to be more alpha and have more game. The author counseled that you must make a woman feel safe, because she won't have sex with you unless she feels safe. Then he added, "Women are paranoid."

The first place I ever felt safe was at school. My first teacher was a no-nonsense kind of woman who smiled rarely. The other kids said she was mean, but I guess they didn't know what mean was. She was calm and consistent, rarely raising her voice. It was there that I learned a totally new concept: obey the rules and we don't get in trouble. It was wonderfully simple. The rules were few, and they all made sense to me. She didn't bend them, she imposed consequences for those who broke them, and I respected that. Even when someone broke a rule, she didn't belittle or berate or scream. Finally I had a small amount of power in my life. I could control whether or not I got in trouble (at school) by my own behavior, actions and attitudes. The rules weren't there to restrict me; they were there to keep me safe. In the safety of that environment, I soared. I learned so many new things that year, far more than just the academics. I learned that I was smart. I learned that I was good. Other kids chafed at the rules. I guess they felt fenced in and restricted. Or maybe they rebelled just for the sake of rebelling. I felt safe.

I still have no problem following rules that make sense. I appreciate knowing where the boundaries are. For you see, the safer I am, the bolder I become. When I feel safe, I show myself for who I really am. I take the most audacious risks. It's when I am safe that I can really soar. So, yes. Please fence me in.

Susan

An Eye for an Eye

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Confucius

He was grumbling about some co-workers. "I'm not taking anymore of this," he said. "I'm going to start treating people the way they treat me." I didn't get all the details, but I heard him loud and clear. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Now I've heard it said that those kind of guys finish last. Certainly if people are taking advantage of you, you need to put an end to that. I am a big believer in healthy boundaries.

Say please and thank you. Don't push and shove. Wait your turn. Don't hit. Share your toys. Young children understand the rules of getting along with others, even if they don't always observe them. They also become indignant if they obey the rules and others don't. It's not fair! If someone messes with them, they retaliate.

Getting back at someone, giving them a taste of their own medicine, can be tempting. Do you give other people what they deserve? Do you treat other people well because of who they are, or because of who YOU are?

Susan