Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Self Esteem
A UCLA researcher has discovered a gene she believes relates to optimism and self esteem. It's that old "nature vs nurture" debate. We humans are a combination of hard wiring and environment. It's not really nature vs nurture, but nature and nurture interacting with each other. That newborn baby enters this life as a complete package, but the important people in her life will certainly have an influence on her.
Are you, as Dexter Holland cleverly phrases it, a sucker with no self esteem? The obvious solution for the guy in the song is to simply break up with the girl who treats him so badly. A healthy self concept is something we can control, and it can start out in simple baby steps, by not allowing people to treat you badly.
So maybe the bad news is you don't have the gene for high self esteem and/or your parents didn't have a clue. But the good news is, you get to take it from here. You have control of your life, and how you feel about yourself doesn't rest in a gene or in your parents' hands. It's in your hands, how you feel about yourself, how you live your life, how you relate to other people. I know it works because I have done it. Not perfectly, but I have gone from low to medium to high self-esteem. I love the person I am. Can you truthfully say that about yourself? And if not, why not start today?
Susan
At What Price Peace?
"Even peace may be purchased at too high a price." Benjamin Franklin
She calls herself the peacemaker. The middle child of five, and the only girl, she is sandwiched on either side by brothers. The roles we learn to play as kids can carry over into adult life. She and her siblings are now in their 30's and 40's, but the roles are still the same. The eldest brother is the overachiever, the second is the rebel, she is the peacemaker, next is the one she calls the invisible one, and the baby is, well, the baby. With an aversion to drama and confrontation, she keeps the peace in almost every relationship in her life. With her siblings and her parents, her husband and colleagues at work. She smooths things over when she should be talking them out. She swallows her feelings when she should be speaking her mind. She mediates disputes when they are none of her business.
I will agree that peace is a wonderful thing. Peace (peace of mind) is in my opinion, life's greatest blessing. But at what price? As she approaches her 40th birthday, she suffers from a variety of stress-related illnesses. She eats well and exercises daily, but it seems that years of trying to keep the peace have exacted a very high price from her body. The chest pains that sent her to the emergency room were a wake up call for her.
The sad thing is, with all her peacemaking she has not made peace. Just because people aren't fighting and arguing, not using hurtful words, doesn't mean there is peace. If you have ever been in the same room with a quiet person who is silently seething, you know exactly what I mean. Peace is not the absence of conflict, but dealing with the conflict that is a natural part of life in a healthy way.
Susan
She calls herself the peacemaker. The middle child of five, and the only girl, she is sandwiched on either side by brothers. The roles we learn to play as kids can carry over into adult life. She and her siblings are now in their 30's and 40's, but the roles are still the same. The eldest brother is the overachiever, the second is the rebel, she is the peacemaker, next is the one she calls the invisible one, and the baby is, well, the baby. With an aversion to drama and confrontation, she keeps the peace in almost every relationship in her life. With her siblings and her parents, her husband and colleagues at work. She smooths things over when she should be talking them out. She swallows her feelings when she should be speaking her mind. She mediates disputes when they are none of her business.
I will agree that peace is a wonderful thing. Peace (peace of mind) is in my opinion, life's greatest blessing. But at what price? As she approaches her 40th birthday, she suffers from a variety of stress-related illnesses. She eats well and exercises daily, but it seems that years of trying to keep the peace have exacted a very high price from her body. The chest pains that sent her to the emergency room were a wake up call for her.
The sad thing is, with all her peacemaking she has not made peace. Just because people aren't fighting and arguing, not using hurtful words, doesn't mean there is peace. If you have ever been in the same room with a quiet person who is silently seething, you know exactly what I mean. Peace is not the absence of conflict, but dealing with the conflict that is a natural part of life in a healthy way.
Susan
Friday, September 23, 2011
Contentment or Complacency
"Being contented ought to mean in English, as it does in French, being pleased. Being content with an attic ought not to mean being unable to move from it and being resigned to live in it; it ought to mean appreciating all there is in such a position." Gilbert K. Chesterton
When I hear of one living in an attic, Anne Frank immediately comes to mind. Her famous diary gives us a glimpse into the soul of this remarkable teenager. One of my favorite quotes is from Miss Frank: "I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains."
The secret to contentment is to be fully present in the moment, to savor life as it is today. Once you learn to be content (and it is a learning process) you ensure that no matter your circumstances, you will always be able to find happiness. But we must be careful not to allow contentment to turn into complacency. While we can appreciate all that the attic has to offer, we must never lower our expectations and be satisfied with living there permanently. There are grand things ahead for those of us willing to challenge ourselves, for those of us not content with the status quo.
Susan
When I hear of one living in an attic, Anne Frank immediately comes to mind. Her famous diary gives us a glimpse into the soul of this remarkable teenager. One of my favorite quotes is from Miss Frank: "I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains."
The secret to contentment is to be fully present in the moment, to savor life as it is today. Once you learn to be content (and it is a learning process) you ensure that no matter your circumstances, you will always be able to find happiness. But we must be careful not to allow contentment to turn into complacency. While we can appreciate all that the attic has to offer, we must never lower our expectations and be satisfied with living there permanently. There are grand things ahead for those of us willing to challenge ourselves, for those of us not content with the status quo.
Susan
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Stubborn Passion
"Tell me of the lady the poet stubborn with his passion sang us." William Butler Yeats
Last year they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. It truly was a celebration, because these two people love each other and like each other and it shows. Their marriage has passion. It was not always this way. When they had been married sixteen years, they seriously contemplated divorce. Their marriage had hit a major rough patch, and it seemed their differences were irreconciliable. But they both still loved each other and wanted to make it work. One of the factors, they frankly admit, was their daughter who was just in kindergarten. But they didn't stay together because of the child, pushing the anger and resentment down, gritting their teeth, enduring. They believed their marriage was worth saving. They sought counseling and did the very difficult work of changing, as individuals and as a couple. If you saw them today you'd never think that once they teetered on the verge of becoming another statistic. Their marriage, as they will both tell you, is better than ever.
You might say that they had this stubborn passion for one another. The passion burned brightly at the beginning of their relationship. Love was blind and sparks were flying. As the years went on, things started to go south and the flame was almost out. But they gave it oxygen and fanned the flames. It's easy to be passionate about a person when you're under the influence of infatuation, but remarkable to still be passionate about someone you've been with for half a century.
It's easy to be passionate about your relationships, your career, your hobbies, your life, when things are shiny new and exciting, and only human nature to become bored and lack motivation as time goes on. It happens to all of us.
What about you in your life? Do you have a stubborn streak? When you feel the fires of your life's passion start to go out, what do you do to fan those flames?
Susan
Last year they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. It truly was a celebration, because these two people love each other and like each other and it shows. Their marriage has passion. It was not always this way. When they had been married sixteen years, they seriously contemplated divorce. Their marriage had hit a major rough patch, and it seemed their differences were irreconciliable. But they both still loved each other and wanted to make it work. One of the factors, they frankly admit, was their daughter who was just in kindergarten. But they didn't stay together because of the child, pushing the anger and resentment down, gritting their teeth, enduring. They believed their marriage was worth saving. They sought counseling and did the very difficult work of changing, as individuals and as a couple. If you saw them today you'd never think that once they teetered on the verge of becoming another statistic. Their marriage, as they will both tell you, is better than ever.
You might say that they had this stubborn passion for one another. The passion burned brightly at the beginning of their relationship. Love was blind and sparks were flying. As the years went on, things started to go south and the flame was almost out. But they gave it oxygen and fanned the flames. It's easy to be passionate about a person when you're under the influence of infatuation, but remarkable to still be passionate about someone you've been with for half a century.
It's easy to be passionate about your relationships, your career, your hobbies, your life, when things are shiny new and exciting, and only human nature to become bored and lack motivation as time goes on. It happens to all of us.
What about you in your life? Do you have a stubborn streak? When you feel the fires of your life's passion start to go out, what do you do to fan those flames?
Susan
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Somebody's Going to Pay For This
"That will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34:7 (King James Version Bible)
Some of the reason we as a nation are in such a financial mess is the idea of enjoying something today and paying for it tomorrow. A few years ago, a young couple could qualify for an interest-free mortgage with no down payment and only stated income. They then moved into their McMansion and filled it with furniture and appliances all purchased on easy credit. Those still in their 20's could enjoy the lifestyle it took their parents a lifetime to attain. No need to look for a sofa on craigslist or get that crib at a garage sale or drag the dirty clothes to the laundromat. No need to deal with reality; no need to live within your means. Problem is, somewhere, sometime, somebody is going to pay for it. And pay dearly.
Is life in general like that? Don't deal with your reality, and somewhere, sometime, somebody is going to pay for it. And pay dearly. It is often some innocent person who had nothing to do with it. The person you marry. Your own children. Your grandchildren. And on and on it goes, to the third and fourth generations in families. The sins of the parents are handed down like ugly rags no one wants to wear. I'm not advocating revenge, but wouldn't it be better to confront the person who actually did you harm than make those innocents pay? Wouldn't it be better to seek healing and help for your pain, than make those innocents pay? Until you have some resolution, all your bad stuff is out there floating around, ready to make those innocents pay. It won't just go away. It won't be okay. Because somewhere, sometime, somebody is going to pay for it. And pay dearly.
Susan
Lyrics to "She's Got Issues" by Dexter Holland
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
If a Tree Falls in the Forest...
"Who hath ears to hear, let him hear." Matthew 13:9 (King James Version Bible)
Communication is an art. It involves choice of words, tone of voice, eye contact, body language, and sometimes touch. Communication is both what you say and how you say it. Some folks who call themselves brutally honest seem to enjoy the brutal part a little too much. The flip side is that many women my age and older grew up in a time where little girls were discouraged from speaking in a direct way. It wasn't considered feminine. It was also not thought very romantic to ask for what you want or need, so we have the dilemma of a man feeling as though he must read the lady's mind. Some of what appears to be passive-aggressive behavior or even deception on the part of older women can be attributed to a degree to the way we were socialized. That's not an excuse, for we can always learn healthier ways to communicate.
My friend was telling me about when she was raped by a friend of her family. She was just a little girl of six, and she told her mom about it. She said, "My mother couldn't hear it." In Matthew's gospel narrative, he implies that some people have ears but cannot or will not hear. At first glance, it would seem that the whole point of communicating is to be heard.
You know that old question, about the tree falling in the woods. Does it still make a sound if there's no one to hear it? Is truth still truth if no one believes it? Are your words worth speaking, even if no one hears them?
In the past, I have been too concerned about how my words will be received, so I would craft my message being very aware of who the listener will be. I tended to soften the truth a bit, or leave something out, if I believed the person needed to be handled carefully. How condescending of me. Sometimes I have remained silent when I had something worthwhile to say, because I believed no one wanted to hear it. The spoken word has so much power and energy, and we all need to say what we need to say. It is my primary role in communicating to speak the truth, and it is up to the listener to hear it or not, then to do with it whatever he will. What happens after I say it is really none of my business.
I don't know about the tree in the woods, but I do know this. Truth is still truth even if no one believes it. And what comes out of my mouth is a reflection of my own integrity (or lack thereof) even if no one hears it.
Susan
Communication is an art. It involves choice of words, tone of voice, eye contact, body language, and sometimes touch. Communication is both what you say and how you say it. Some folks who call themselves brutally honest seem to enjoy the brutal part a little too much. The flip side is that many women my age and older grew up in a time where little girls were discouraged from speaking in a direct way. It wasn't considered feminine. It was also not thought very romantic to ask for what you want or need, so we have the dilemma of a man feeling as though he must read the lady's mind. Some of what appears to be passive-aggressive behavior or even deception on the part of older women can be attributed to a degree to the way we were socialized. That's not an excuse, for we can always learn healthier ways to communicate.
My friend was telling me about when she was raped by a friend of her family. She was just a little girl of six, and she told her mom about it. She said, "My mother couldn't hear it." In Matthew's gospel narrative, he implies that some people have ears but cannot or will not hear. At first glance, it would seem that the whole point of communicating is to be heard.
You know that old question, about the tree falling in the woods. Does it still make a sound if there's no one to hear it? Is truth still truth if no one believes it? Are your words worth speaking, even if no one hears them?
In the past, I have been too concerned about how my words will be received, so I would craft my message being very aware of who the listener will be. I tended to soften the truth a bit, or leave something out, if I believed the person needed to be handled carefully. How condescending of me. Sometimes I have remained silent when I had something worthwhile to say, because I believed no one wanted to hear it. The spoken word has so much power and energy, and we all need to say what we need to say. It is my primary role in communicating to speak the truth, and it is up to the listener to hear it or not, then to do with it whatever he will. What happens after I say it is really none of my business.
I don't know about the tree in the woods, but I do know this. Truth is still truth even if no one believes it. And what comes out of my mouth is a reflection of my own integrity (or lack thereof) even if no one hears it.
Susan
Monday, August 8, 2011
The End Of The World
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." Alexander Graham Bell
She hates her empty nest. It is tearing her apart. Her youngest child is at a university out of state. The middle child moved out on her own in an apartment the next town over. The oldest child accepted a job that took him 1,000 miles away from the family nest. It all happened this summer, and it shook her world to its foundation. She is trying to be happy for her kids, who all have something very exciting going on, but she is feeling pretty sorry for herself. Now it is very possible that they will be coming back home again to live. It happens with young adults who find the economy too challenging. They move back in with mom and dad. Some have gleefully pointed this out to her. Others (myself included) have told her of the joys of the empty nest. But for now, anyway, she's not buying what we're selling. Hopefully she will work through this, but right now, things are definitely not fine. It's the end of the world.
If you have lived for any length of time, you, too, may have experienced the end of the world as you know it. Perhaps it was a serious illness, the death of a loved one, the loss of a home, or the end of a relationship. Some people make a lifetime vocation of sitting and looking at the closed door. They long for the good old days. They live in the past. Then there are the others who spend some time mourning the loss, then look around to see the open door. They decide to walk through it, to experience life anew. It is always a choice, how we view the end of the world and whether we walk through the open door. It's always a choice, whether or not we'll be fine.
Susan
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