Question and Answer Time

"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers now, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them, and the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even knowing it, live your way into the answers." Ranier Maria Rilke

She came home from preschool and asked, "Mommy, where did I come from? The mother was prepared; she had rehearsed this facts of life speech over and over. So she began to carefully explain it all, starting with conception, moving on to pregnancy, the birth and so on. When she was finished, the child said, "Oh. 'Cause Tiffany came from Arizona."

We have the questions, but sometimes we can't hear the answers. Not yet. I have been in many different situations where I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, and then, all of a sudden, I know. The proverbial light bulb goes on over my head and I have total clarity. How much stress we could spare ourselves, if we would trust that when we are ready for the answer, it will come.

Susan

Full Circle

"Words -- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary; how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them." Nathaniel Hawthorne

Since I was a child, I have had such respect for words. Words are powerful. I believe I am about to come full circle. Words were used against me when I was just a tiny girl. Verbal abuse was my mother's weapon of choice. I could share with you some of the things I heard over and over and over, but I think for now I will not. Words were used as weapons to wound me, and now I find that words are a part of my healing, and it is my hope that my words can be used to heal others. Then the circle will be complete, and some good will come out of something so bad.

We need to respect words and choose them carefully, because they have the power to make a person or break a person.

Susan

Bleeding

"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein." Walter Wellesley Smith

Almost ten months ago I started Hero In Your Soul. It wasn't about me. Not at first anyway. Two other friends had an idea and I started blogging to promote that. They haven't taken their concept anywhere yet, but I am still at it. Looking through the blog archive, I wrote forty-seven posts in April and three in August, with the other months somewhere in between. If I had something to say, I would write.

I hesitated to say I was a writer. Many people fancy themselves the author of the next great American novel. I have had friends say they were going to write the story of their life, and I secretly (snarkily) thought, "I know a lot about your life and trust me, it's not that interesting." But it's likely I didn't want to proclaim myself a writer, because then I would have to write. But I said it and it's out there now, no taking it back. I write. I am a writer.

Recently I have begun to impose some discipline to my writing. Each day I carve out some time to write. I may not publish a post that day, but I will write. Yesterday afternoon I was wondering why I felt spent...physically, emotionally, mentally. It was because I had been writing and it's hard work. For someone who is a somewhat private person to share herself in her writing? Well, that takes even more out of me.

But I am a writer. So I shall write.

Susan

Just One Person

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something I can do." Helen Keller

Experts tell us that the difference between an abused child merely surviving or actually thriving can be the presence of just one loving adult. It doesn't even need to be a family member. It could be a teacher. Just one loving adult to show the child he is deserving and worthy of love. I was fortunate, because I had several such grown-ups in my life. I owe them a lot.

I doesn't take a mighty army. One person can make all the difference in the world. As I go through my daily life, I can be preoccupied and I can also be cranky. I know there are times I've blown people off. But I try to make a habit of being nice to everyone I meet, a smile here or a kind word there. It doesn't cost me a thing, and who knows how much it might mean to that other person?

Susan

Change of Address

"Find out what you're afraid of and go live there." Chuck Palahniuk

I hide. Like many behaviors, it's something I learned to do as a child. My mother was a volatile person, a tantrum throwing bully whose favorite target was me. I spent a lot of time in my room, or at some friend's home when I was a teenager. I avoided her in that way. I also hid emotionally. I learned not to show that she had hurt me, because it only fueled the abuse. After all, a sadist derives enjoyment from inflicting pain. I didn't let her see me cry. I didn't share my experiences or thoughts or feelings or fears with her, because she would use them against me. I became very good at hiding. Too good, in fact. On our computers, we have default settings. My default was hiding.

Did you know if you don't like your settings you can change them to something else? Imagine that! I have reset mine, so that hiding is no longer my default. I have forced myself to do some bold and scary things I would not have done earlier in life. I am putting myself out there and I am speaking my truth. Nothing horrible has happened. In fact, just the opposite has taken place. I have not been punished for coming out of hiding. I have been rewarded. Imagine that.

We all have fears. What is one of yours? I would encourage you to find it and then go live there. If you need a friendly neighbor, well, I'm just next door.

Susan

Loudmouth Birdie

Did you come here looking for Loudmouth Birdie? She lives just around the corner at www.loudmouthbirdie.com

For those of you who don't know Loudmouth Birdie, she is my friend/roommate/honorary sister. Her blog is great! Check it out.

Susan

Sanctuary

The year I was in fourth grade was a very tough one for me. I don't know what was happening in my mother's life during that year, but her cruel treatment of me seemed to peak.

My teacher that year was a young woman who was extraordinarily kind. She impacted me in such a positive way that more than forty years later I looked her up, found her address and sent her a letter telling her what she had meant to me. We reconnected, and the next time I visited my hometown, she and I had lunch together.

I was not the only one who was having a rough time in that 1967-68 school year. None of us children knew it, but our teacher was hurting, too. Her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer before school started that year. She was with us during the day, but spent as much time as possible in the evenings and on weekends with her mother. Her mom passed away that same school year, in the spring. She told me that in that classroom, we kids were precious to her because she could forget the pain of knowing her mother was dying and concentrate on us.

My abuse was not physical, so from the outside I didn't betray the pain I went through. She knew nothing of my nightmare and I knew nothing of hers, yet we found sanctuary together. It made me feel so good that someone who had helped me was also helped by me.

Who are those who have shown you love and kindness, just when you needed it most? And have you ever let them know just what that meant to you?

Susan