Miracle

The classic oldies station was on our radio today, and interspersed with commercials for a reverse mortgage and a reputable knee replacement clinic was some great music from back in the day. "This Is It" written by Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald was playing, and I sang along. I was particularly happy because I had just returned from buying toothpaste and paper towels, both of which were phenomenal (my new word) deals at the local drugstore. I was greeted with admiration and perhaps a touch of envy as fellow shoppers saw the Valentine's Day headband I was wearing. Pink hearts on springs on top of my head, a gift from my dear roommate/friend.

It was a good day. Valentine's Day. My day off. I got up this morning and had some delicious coffee, then promptly went back to bed and slept for almost three hours. I guess I needed the extra sleep if I could do that. This is the story I tell myself any time I sleep during the day.

The weather was beautiful. Sunny and crisp. Bright blue skies with puffy white clouds. I enjoyed being outside. I crave the outdoors, and spend as much time in it as I can. It always makes me feel better.

Later I caught up with some emails, and I answered one from a woman who is on a similar journey to mine. I told her about one of my miracles, and said that maybe she was ready for hers. Life is full of the phenomenal, the miraculous. Life. This is it.

Susan

Heart

We have regular customers at the store where I work. Most of them are older women with probably too much time on their hands, and by older I mean older than me. The other day, I was waiting on one of our regulars, and when I handed over her bag, I said, "It's always so nice to see you." She looked at my name tag, and said, "Susan," deliberately, as if she was trying to commit my name to memory. "Thank you, Susan. You have heart."

I have heart. I like that. Maybe she was referring to the song by Richard Adler. It is, after all, from her era. Tomorrow is Heart Day. Valentine's Day. I love the day that is all about love. Oh. I know that some say it's just a Hallmark holiday, commercialized and all that. And I know that some men are intimidated by the unrealistically high expectations that some of us women have about it. And I know it is depressing for some who don't have a special Valentine.

But it's about love! To me, the holiday is about love in general, which is something all of us could use more of, right? So Happy Valentine's Day to you, as we celebrate L-O-V-E. I hope you give it and I hope you get it back.

Happy Heart Day.

Susan

Big Bear

It's been in the news lately. Big Bear, California and Christopher Dorner. Guns and violence. I make an effort to stay up with current events, but lately I have felt overwhelmed at all the badness and sadness in the world. I was getting ready to write a post on gun control, but feel that at least for today, I will share with you a beautiful photo.

Big Bear is one of the places we in southern California visit when we want to ski or snowboard or just play in the snow. Snow is a novelty here, and I understand that this is February and some of my readers might be thinking that they are tired of living in the snow and dealing with cold and bad weather.

This post is to remind us (mostly to remind me) that although the bad stuff gets all the publicity, this world is still a good place. Full of beauty and wonder. And while there are many things we should be working together to change, it's good just to sometimes empty our minds, be still and quiet and take it all in.

Susan

Seeking

"What you seek is seeking you." Rumi

A few months ago I wrote about the knowledge that I have received, that if I am going to be everything I can be, I will need a man in my life. You can read about it here.

Since then, some things have changed. And that is to be expected, right? I am blessed to have a roommate who is also a good friend, and her little Australian Shepherd has sort of become my dog, too. We have a lovely place to live, and we enjoy each other's company. I have other friends and a wonderful family, as well. But I've become lonely. The kind of loneliness, the kind of need that a man would fill.

I am a whole person. I am not a half, waiting for another half to equal a whole. I am already complete, so I am not seeking someone to complete me. I am not broken, looking for someone to fix me. I am not damaged, hoping that someone can heal me. I am not a prisoner, longing for someone who can rescue me. But I need him, in ways that I have begun to realize and in ways that I have yet to see. And I think he needs me in the same way.

I don't get upset or unhappy about my needs. Actually, I have all sorts of needs. It means I am human. It's funny how some of us want to be self-sufficient, and I am all for grown ups being fully functioning adults. But sometimes it seems like we are embarrassed or ashamed for having needs. I don't get impatient with myself for needing to use the bathroom, or being thirsty or being hungry. Why should my other needs represent some kind of failing or weakness? My needs let me see that I am fully alive. So that's a good thing, I think.

I'm not afraid to have needs, or to feel them. I don't need to deny them, or to worry that they will make me all crazy desperate so that I make foolish choices. I am good with it, with feeling some need, some loneliness, some discomfort, and yes, even some pain. I like being human. I love being alive.

And I know that what I seek is seeking me.

Susan

Phenomenal

"No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has escaped the kingdom of night." Elie Wiesel

We were catching up over lunch, as we do every few months. She and I have been friends for several years, and she has been through some of the changes in my life with me. Often, she will comment on how happy I look, or how well I have created a new life for myself, or the absence of what she calls "stress lines" on my face.

There we were, exclaiming over the pictures on her phone of her new grandson, when she stopped and just looked at me for a few seconds. "I am so happy we are friends, because you are such a phenomenal woman. You did such a courageous thing," she said, referring to my ending my marriage. I thanked her, wanting to minimize the courage that it did take me for my plan my exit and execute it, and feeling a little embarrassed at being called "phenomenal." I simply thanked her. I said, "It really did change me. It shifted everything. I valued myself enough to save myself."

She nodded and added, "And you're not bitter. You have reason to be, and you aren't." This kind of surprised me, because I honestly don't think I have anything to be bitter about.

And then it welled up inside of me, this feeling of gratitude that I so often feel. I shook my head. "Bitter?" I said to her. "I feel so, so lucky. So blessed."

That I do. I am one of the luckiest gals you would ever want to meet. Life has taken me to some dark places, yet I always have my light. It is wonderful just to be here. Happy, healthy and safe. Empathetic. Able to give and accept love. I laugh and cry and sing and dance. I am happy today, and I look forward to an even better tomorrow.

Just being here on this planet is something phenomenal, to use my friend's word. And maybe gratitude is the opposite of bitterness, or at least it is for me.

Susan

Super

Last year I wrote about domestic abuse and Super Bowl Sunday. Four years ago Super Bowl Sunday was a bad day for me. I was married at the time, and my husband went on a tirade that lasted almost two hours. For the first time, I knew he would physically harm me. Not that he could, for any one could. But that he would, if I stayed with him. I wonder if I ever would have left, had I not had that concern. We will never know. He never did hurt me physically, by the way. Later when we talked about it, he was offended and said he never would do that, that he had never in his life touched a woman that way nor would he.

Since then, I did not watch the Super Bowl at all the first year, and just a bit the second and third years. Maybe a few minutes here and there, but it had such an unpleasant connotation for me that I couldn't really participate. I haven't watched any football at all as such for that time either. I like a little football, or I used to. My younger son played in high school, so I learned the game, and his dad and I were his greatest fans. But I have lost touch with it to the point where I don't even know who still plays for my city's team, the San Diego Chargers, or what kind of seasons they have had over the past few years.

I have a memory for dates, which means if I know your birthday, I won't forget it. On February 1 of this year, a Friday, I remembered that it was February 1 on that unpleasant Super Bowl Sunday. I was at work for a couple of hours, when a migraine hit me. I used to suffer migraines once or twice a month, but since I got out of my marriage, it has been more like once or twice a year. But this past Friday I had a horrid one, the kind that doesn't creep up, but hits suddenly and hard. I think it came on because I had begun to think back to that February 1 four years ago, and I began to feel some of the horror of that day, what I didn't fully feel the day that it all actually took place. I used to have a way of becoming very stoic, and I would think I was being strong, but all I was being was shut down so I didn't have to feel the sadness and the badness. So I could hold it all together. A necessity at the time, but not anymore. This past Friday, I really felt it fully for the first time. I suppose I was ready. The migraine lasted five or six hours, then it was over, and so were the feelings. I was okay. The next day I was fine.

Then Sunday came around, and without really planning to, I found myself watching the Super Bowl. And enjoying it. Did you watch any of it? I liked the Gangham dancing pistachios and the VW commercials. Beyonce was wonderful, and how fun to see the Destiny's Child girls back together. The power failure helped turn things around for the 49ers, and it turned out to be a game after all. It was nice to watch football again, and have it be fun. It was great to watch the Super Bowl and not have bad memories or sadness. I guess those feelings I had on Friday needed to be felt. And it's wonderful that I am not carrying that icky stuff around, not participating fully in life because something bad happened to me. I don't want to be that person. I don't have to be that person.

Isn't it wonderful that we can get over things, that we can work through them? That the past doesn't have to cast a shadow forever? So the Ravens won, and the Niners lost. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. But there's always next year. For them. And for me, too.

Susan

Abundance

Lately I have been losing weight, which is a good thing. It means that I have been needing new clothes, and from the start I have known that some lovely things would come my way. Thrift stores and consignment shops and clearance sales at stores all have helped me with my wardrobe without costing a lot of money. As I have been going down in sizes, I don't want to invest much in clothes because I won't be wearing them for long.

Last week a coworker asked me how much weight I had lost and what size I currently wear. Then she told me she had a lot of clothes she doesn't need anymore and asked me if I wanted them. "YESSSSS!" The next day she handed me a huge bag of clothes, and I only had a few minutes on my  break to look through the bag.

That night, I got home and dumped out the bag on the living room floor and started to try things on. Thirteen tops, four pairs of pants, two skirts, and two pairs of tights. Red tights! Blue tights! All the clothes are like new; some of them were new with the tags still on. I cried with joy and thankfulness at all that abundance.

The next day I wore the red tights with a skirt that has all sorts of bright colors in it, and a purply red top. She saw me in it and said how great it looked, and I discovered that it was a win/win. I win, because I get a brand new wardrobe, and she wins because she sees me wearing the clothes and enjoying them.

I didn't even know this lady very well, since she works in another area of the store. I hadn't been talking about my weight loss or my need of clothes or my very tight budget, so I think that makes it even more wonderful that she decided to be such an angel in my life.

I had no doubt that I would get new clothes as I needed them. But I never dreamed they would come in such abundance. Or that this latest blessing would be absolutely free. Although I will do something wonderful for her; I am just not sure yet what I will do.

I am so happy! She said she has more clothes. Things she isn't able to part with right now. Like an off-the-shoulder peacock dress. A peacock dress! She says she loves it but has never worn it. "I have no place to wear something like that," she said.

Let me tell you something. If she gives me the peacock dress, this girl will find a place to wear it!

Susan